Zombie Lover

by Piers Anthony

“The what perspective?”

  “Female.”

  “Oh. Well, I'll do my best.” She addressed Jeremy again. “Now this perfect woman is foreign. That means she's not a werewolf?”

  “At least is not a werewolf of the Isle of Wolves, though I have checked the local bitches too.”

  “The local what’s?”

  “A female canine is a bitch. It is not a term of disrespect in this context.“

  “I knew that,” she said, remembering. “So she could be a different type of crossbreed, or even dull human.”

  “She could be anything,” Jeremy said. “That's what makes the search so difficult.”

  “For sure. But can we assume that she will have a human form, or can take that form when she wants to?”

  “I don't know.”

  “Well, let's assume it, because that makes it a whole lot easier. Because what little I know about women is all human. I can't help you learn to impress a bi— a nonhuman female.”

  “That makes sense,” King Dor said. “And perhaps the conventions for different species are similar enough in essence to make it relevant.”

  “Let's hope,” Breanna said. “Okay, so lets see if we can make you so appealing to women that the right one is bound to take notice. It would be better if we had a real woman, but I guess we'll have to make do with what's available. Which is a simple girl. If you can impress me you can probably impress her.”

  “I have impressed many women,” Jeremy said. “But none would have noticed me if I weren't royal.”

  “Precisely. So let's pretend you are a completely ordinary werewolf. Ditch the crown.”

  Jeremy lifted the crown from his head. He buried it out of sight in the funk. “Now I am just another werewolf.”

  “Right.” Breanna looked around. “Help me, guys. What comes next?”

  “Perhaps you should be a woman passing by, and he tries to impress you.” King Dor suggested.

  “Okay. Impress me, Jeremy.” Breanna walked just outside the glade, turned, and walked innocently back in. The three kings faded circumspectly into the background.

  Jeremy became a huge wolf and rose up with a horrendous growl.

  “Eeeeeek!” Breanna screamed. “The big bad wolf is going to eat me up!”

  The wolf became the man. “No go?”

  “No go,” Breanna agreed. “I mean, impress me as a man. Like for a date.” She walked out of the glade, and back in.

  “Hello, luscious maiden,” Jeremy said. “Have a date.” He proffered a thyme berry.

  Breanna almost fell over laughing.

  “I made an error?” Jeremy asked, annoyed.

  “My fault, I guess, for using a Mundane term. I meant a date, as in boy and girl go somewhere together and do something fun together.”

  “But you are too young for that.”

  “I don't mean storks!” she exploded. “Isn't there anything else on a man's mind?”

  “Should there be?”

  “At ease, Breanna. It was a natural misunderstanding on his part, and he reacted appropriately. He's a decent sort.” So she stifled her natural reaction, and used the occasion for some necessary education. “Some subtlety may be in order here. Men may think that storks are in constant need of summoning, but women have other things on their minds.”

  “They do?” The werewolf seemed amazed.

  “Definitely. So get the stork out of your mind. Anyway, we're play-acting here, so my age is irrelevant. So don't think of storks, not because I'm too young, but because no woman thinks of them until late in the game. Make her love you, then maybe she'll think of the stork. Eventually.”

  “Actually, the women of the Isle of Women seemed to think of nothing but storks, according to the report of the kings.”

  “They were trying to nab a king. That's different.”

  “I suppose it is. It seems to be true that men have storks, or at least the act of summoning them, on their minds more than women do.”

  Jeremy shook his head. “This is more difficult than I ever imagined. How can women exist without constantly thinking of storks?”

  “We have disciplined minds. So just try to figure out something that you and I might like to do together that has nothing to do with storks.”

  The man pondered, and cogitated, and thought, and considered, and reflected. Sweat formed on his brow.

  “You stumped him.”

  Breanna almost laughed. “I guess I'd better give you a hint. How about taking a nice walk together?”

  “Where?”

  “Anywhere. It doesn't matter. The point is just to be doing it.”

  “This is strange indeed.”

  “Aren't there any interesting sights on the Isle of Wolves?”

  “Well, there's the quandary.”

  “So let's take a walk and go see that.”

  “If you insist. It's really not much, especially with the masses.”

  “You aren't making this very interesting,” Breanna said. “What masses?”

  “The mass confusion and mass hysteria. People go near them, and—”

  “I get the picture. Are there any other local sights?”

  “There's the ink well. We draw buckets of ink up, and ship them to all other parts of Xanth.”

  Breanna made a gesture as of tearing her hair. “None of this will do. We'd better stick to boy-girl. Suppose we just walk around in a circle and make interesting conversation?”

  “But you said that girls don't think of anything interesting.”

  Breanna opened her mouth, but Justin intercepted her expostulation before it got out. “He means your refusal to think of stork summoning. Change the subject.”

  Good advice, again. “I think I'm just going to have to tell you some things to talk about. But that means I won't be able to judge how impressive it is. We need another girl.”

  “One who doesn't know I am a prince,” Jeremy agreed.

  “For sure. Okay, first off, you'll have to notice how pretty I am.”

  “But—”

  “I don't mean me personally! I mean any woman. You have to compliment her. You have to scratch for nice things to say about her. If she's got distinctive features, you notice them. Whatever they are. Even if they're really not much. Now try noticing me.”

  He studied her head. “You have lustrous long black hair.”

  She clapped her hands. “That's it! You're making me be flattered, and that makes me like you better. Try again.”

  He looked at her face. “You have glowing green eyes.”

  “Right on!”

  He looked at her mid section. “You have a nice little—”

  “Nuh-uh! Off limits. There's nothing in that region you're supposed to notice.”

  He looked at her chest. “You—”

  “No!”

  “But there's not much else to notice.”

  “Then get creative. And after that, with luck, she'll ask about you, and you must tell her something moody and feelingful, evoking her sympathy, and then follow up with whatever seems apt. Just keep the dialogue going nicely, and she'll get interested in you. Then if she's the one. you're home free.”

  “I never did any of this before.”

  “Which is maybe why you never got anywhere. Let's see what else we can we arm you with.” She looked around. “Any of you have suggestions?”

  “The weather?” King Dor asked.

  “Okay, Jeremy, if there's awkward silence, and you can't think of anything else, talk about the weather. Not bad weather; interesting weather.”

  “This all seems horribly far-fetched.”

  “Women have far-fetched minds. Now let's review this, to be sure you have it straight. Then we'll have to go out and test it on a real woman.”

  They worked on it, and bit by bit he seemed to be getting it. But Breanna was really worried about whether it would every play in real life. This promised to be a long, grueling. and probably fruitless exercise. Meanwhile, she was tired; she normally slept in the daytime,
and she hadn't had much of a chance yet today.

  Chapter 12

  IMPROMPTU INGENUE

  They seemed to be making progress, but Dolph was bored. Teaching Jeremy Werewolf to impress women favorably might be a positive step, but the chances of him being able to impress the right one in time seemed remote. How long would it take? Days? Weeks? Months? They couldn't afford the time. They had a big wedding to get back to, back home—wherever that was.

  He stepped back out of sight, then became a small bird and flew up to take a look around. The isle was quiet; it was late afternoon and the wolves were mostly snoozing.

  He flew toward the mainland—and there was Para, the duck-footed boat, paddling toward the isle. Riding in it were Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat. He knew what that meant: Sammy could find anything except home, so the two had been sent out to find the three kings. To remind them to get on back home instead of dawdling. The three were more than ready to go home, the moment they could!

  He was going to fly down and introduce himself, as Jenny was his friend. Then he thought of something: Jenny could be their ingenue! She was female, and of age, and didn't know what they were doing. So he had better not tell her anything; he would warn the others, and thus give Jeremy some real practice.

  He looped down, and soon returned to the funk grove. He resumed his natural form. The awful smell of the grove hit him anew; he had become acclimatized, until he got a breath of fresh air. “Jenny Elf's coming.” he announced.

  “Sent to find us,” Dor said. “She will know where our home is.”

  “Yes.” Bink agreed. “But we can't ethically leave until we solve Jeremy's problem.”

  “I was thinking that Jenny could help in that. She can be the ingenue.”

  “The ingenue!” Dor exclaimed.

  Breanna glanced across at them. “What's this?”

  “Our friend Jenny Elf is coming,” Dolph explained. “She must have been sent to find us, because her cat Sammy can find almost anything. She can be the ingenue, because she won't know that Jeremy is a prince. He can try to impress her.”

  “Is that fair?” Breanna asked. “To put one of your friends in that position?”

  “You think I'm going to chomp off her arm?” Jeremy demanded.

  “No. It's just that—well, I suppose it's all right.” She turned to the werewolf “But make sure you remember that you're just practicing. You don't actually want to summon any storks. You want to see what works, so that you can go out and maybe win your perfect love.”

  “I understand,” the werewolf prince said. “If I can impress her. maybe I can yet manage to break the curse.”

  “Meanwhile, what about the rest of us?” Dolph asked. “Won't we be in the way?”

  “We can go eat, take a nap, or whatever else we fancy,” Dor said. “But someone should stay, just in case.”

  “I'm dead on my feet,” Breanna said. “I just want to sleep.”

  “You can have my bed, here.” Jeremy said. “I'll go meet her outside the grove.”

  “She'll be looking for us, so we three kings had better meet her,” Dor said. “But then we can move on. So why don't you go with us, Dolph. then change form and keep an eye on Jenny.” He glanced at Jeremy. “It's not that we don't trust you, but if there is awkwardness, this ensures immediate contact with us. Probably there will be errors, and we'll have to explain things to Jenny. I'm sure she'll cooperate; she's a very nice girl.”

  “That's good. I'm suddenly very nervous. I have come to know Breanna, but this is a stranger. A thousand things could go wrong.”

  They organized and started out of the grove, while Breanna plumped herself down, put her head on her crossed arms, and went to sleep.

  Jeremy glanced back. “Breanna is nice too. I'm sorry she's not the one.”

  “She's a good girl,” Bink agreed. “Made better, perhaps, by Justin Tree's presence.”

  “It must be nice to find such companionship.”

  “Maybe it will happen for you.”

  “Especially if you learn how to impress women,” Dolph said.

  They emerged from the grove. Their timing was right: Jenny Elf and Sammy Cat were just arriving. The elf girl was wrinkling her nose as if she smelled something horrible—the mottled funk, of course.

  “Oh, there you are!” Jenny cried. She ran up to hug Dolph. She was so small she seemed like a child, though he knew she was twenty; usually he didn't notice. “You have to come back now. They are setting up wedding rehearsals, and you have parts to play.”

  “We will, soon,” Dolph said, “But right now we have something else to do. Would you mind waiting with Jeremy?” he gestured to the werewolf, who looked tongue-tied.

  “Oh, sure,” she agreed. “Just don't be too long. I promised to bring you back to Castle Roogna within a day.”

  “Castle Roogna?”

  Jenny lifted a brow. “You know. Home.”

  “Home!” Dor exclaimed, remembering.

  Jenny laughed. “You couldn't have forgotten, could you?”

  “I'm afraid we could have,” Bink said. “We drank some lethe water by accident.”

  “Oh, that explains it! We didn't know what was keeping you.”

  “We will return shortly,” Dolph said.

  The three of them walked on, leaving Jenny with Jeremy. As soon as they went around a bend in the path. Dolph became an invisible winged man and looped back. He had always been able to change forms, but as he had grown older and gained experience, his talent had broadened and deepened, until now he could do much more. For example, he had learned to assume other human forms, so that he could make himself more handsome or muscular, or smarter. He seldom did it, because Electra liked him just the way he was natural, but he could do it when he had reason. Now he had reason: he wanted to retain his full human intelligence, which could get cramped in small-headed bird form, yet be able to move silently without leaving footprints. So this form was good for that, and he would change it when he needed to.

  He flitted back to eavesdrop on Jeremy and Jenny. He felt a bit guilty for not telling Jenny what was going on, but if he had done so, that would have spoiled Jeremy's test. He would tell her everything as soon as it was feasible.

  The two were standing in the very kind of awkward silence that was supposed to be avoided. Dolph came up behind the werewolf. “Compliment,” he whispered.

  “You have nice spectacles,” Jeremy said.

  “Oh, they're just from a spectacle bush,” Jenny said. “I can't see very well without them.”

  There was more silence. “Try again,” Dolph whispered.

  “You have nice hands.”

  Jenny held them up. “You like four fingers?”

  “Four fingers!” he said, amazed.

  Worse and worse. This wasn't working.

  “You didn't know?” Jenny asked. “Then why did you comment?”

  Jeremy stared at his feet. “I'm sorry. I was trying to say something nice, but I'm not good at it.”

  “Something nice? Why?”

  “Do you really want to know?” he asked, dejected.

  “Yes, of course.”

  “It's sort of complicated.”

  “Life often is. Tell me.”

  “I'm trying to learn how to impress women, because I am cursed not to recognize my true love until she comes to me only she won't know it so won't come, so I need to be interesting enough so she'll want to.”

  Jenny digested that. “I guess it's a start. But I should think you would fare better just by being yourself.”

  “But I'm just sort of dull and clumsy, in this form.”

  “This form? What other form do you have?”

  “I'm a werewolf.”

  “A werewolf!” Jenny exclaimed, delighted. “That's wonderful!”

  “It is?”

  “I always liked wolves. I'm a wolf-rider.”

  “You ride wolves?”

  “Well, I did back home. But I never met any wolves here in Xanth. so I couldn't ride.
Anyway, it isn't as if I could ride just any wolf.”

  “It isn't?”

  “No, it has to be a wolf friend. That's—well, it gets complicated to explain.”

  “In my wolf form, I can read minds. May I read yours?”

  “A telepathic wolf? Certainly; why not? I have nothing to hide. and you can get the concept much more quickly and completely.”

  Jeremy changed to wolf form. Jenny smiled and stroked his fur. She was a small girl, and he was a big wolf, so his head was as high as hers. She showed no fear at all; instead she was plainly delighted to be in the company of a wolf.

  Dolph shook his invisible head. Suddenly this was working out, but not in the way expected. Jeremy hadn't impressed her by his attempted compliments, but by his basic nature, which Jenny happened to like. Did that count?”

  Jeremy resumed manform so he could talk. “Your World of Two Moons—how wonderfully strange,” he said. “I had no idea you were such a remarkable person, with such an exotic origin.”

  “Oh, I'm not remarkable or exotic.” she protested. “I just came to Xanth by accident, chasing Sammy Cat. I'm strictly nothing much.”

  “Not as I see it.” Jeremy hesitated. “I am strong enough to carry you. Would you like to ride me? In my wolf form, I mean?”

  She clapped her hands. “Oh. Yes!”

  “I'll go very slowly, so you won't fall off.”

  “Don't worry about that, I won't fall off. An elf never forgets wolf-riding.”

  Jeremy resumed his wolf shape. He started to bend down, so Jenny could climb on him, but she didn't wait. She leaped, and was on his back, holding on to the long fur of his collar. He started to walk, slowly, but she showed no sign of unsteadiness. So he moved faster, and she had no trouble. He was evidently reading her mind, and knowing that she was all right.

  Then he broke into a run. Dolph changed to invisible wolf form and followed. They charged along the path and on to the beach, where the wolf did his utmost, running swiftly along between the water and the jungle. Jenny never wavered; Dolph could see her smiling.

  After a while Jeremy slowed, then stopped, and Jenny slid off. “Oh. thank you so much!” she cried. “That was the most wonderful experience I've had in years!”

  Jeremy resumed man form. “It's nice being appreciated like that. You really do know how to ride a wolf.”