“Is there anything I can do to help you?” she asked Benjamin.
The horse was down again, and Ben was examining his head and ears. “Have you heated any water?”
“No, but I can.”
“Not boiling. Just warm enough to dissolve a powder.”
“All right.” She hurried to the house to do his bidding and returned later with the teakettle.
Benjamin held a jar containing a white powder. He poured water into a bowl, then measured the white substance in and stirred. Finally he tested the temperature, let the liquid cool a bit, then used a huge glass dropper to dribble the medicine into the horse’s mouth.
“Just look at his lips and gums,” he grumbled angrily.
Lorabeth observed bleeding sores.
“I’d like to put a bit in that man’s mouth and jerk him around by the reins until his temperament changes.”
Benjamin’s compassion for the animal touched Lorabeth. “Can you save him?”
“At this point I think it will depend on this boy’s gumption to live,” he replied.
Lorabeth tentatively stroked the animal’s neck, and his skin quivered under her touch.
“Look at that,” Ben pointed out. “He even has tender skin. A horseman should notice things like that about his own stock.” Once he’d administered all the liquid from the bowl, he handed her the utensils. “If you’d wash those so I can use ’em later.”
“Certainly.”
He left and returned with a bottle and a clean rag. “Think you can hold his lips back while I dab this on those sores?”
“I think so.”
The horse turned a cunning brown eye on her, but didn’t fight their attentions.
“It’s almost as though he knows you’re helping him,” she said.
“Horses are smart critters,” he replied. “He knows I mean him no harm.”
“Unlike cats,” she observed.
He glanced at her, then continued with his task.
She watched him, grateful for a helping task. This was the first time she’d felt useful, the first time he’d seemed to need her for anything, and she was glad she’d insisted on accompanying him. Sometime later he covered his patient with blankets and sat back against the wall.
“You should go get some sleep,” he told her.
“What about you?”
“I’ll stay to make sure he rests through the night. I have more blankets and I’ll bed down here.”
“I can stay with you.”
“No, you go be comfortable. Tomorrow I’ll need to go into town to tend to my horse. You can stay with this one then.”
“Okay.” She gathered her skirts and stood, picking up the items he’d used. “Good night, then.”
“Good night, Lorabeth.”
They didn’t discuss the argument they’d had. Things weren’t exactly tense between them, but it was apparent that nothing had been resolved. Lorabeth visited Caleb at his office, and after an examination, he assured her that she and the baby were healthy. This should have been the time to tell her husband the news, but she hesitated in fear of his reaction.
The injured animal made a remarkable recovery in the week that followed, and Marshal Connor made the horse’s owner sell it to Benjamin. The surly man left town on the train.
On Saturday night the Barlows held a holiday dance in their barn and invited the townspeople. Lorabeth had never visited one of the ranches before, so Benjamin drove her out early to show her the stables and the outbuildings. Charles and his wife were well-to-do and their home was evidence. Lorabeth helped the friendly woman carry food and drinks from the house to the enormous barn.
As the guests arrived, Lorabeth realized how full her world had grown since she’d known the Chaneys and fuller since her marriage to a respected and well-liked man with standing in Newton. Everyone welcomed and greeted her. Their acceptance delighted her.
Her in-laws arrived, and Lorabeth hugged the children and Ellie. She exchanged a look with Caleb. She wanted to tell Benjamin about the baby, but she was concerned over how to do that.
Ellie shifted Madeline on her shoulder and patted her back. “The Evanses are here.”
Lorabeth turned to see Suzanne placing pies on the dessert table. “I hope she brought her raspberry pie.”
“I was jealous of them, you know.”
“Of the Evanses?”
Ellie nodded. “It took me a while to see that Benjamin wasn’t being disloyal by getting to know his father. His feelings for me won’t change. I’m truly happy for him. And for you.”
Lorabeth took Ellie’s hand. “I’m jealous of you,” she confessed. “I’m jealous of your marriage to Caleb. And of course I’m jealous of you and Benjamin. His loyalty to you is unshakable. Benjamin depends on you. He…he needs you.”
Ellie looked at her in surprise. “My brother worships the ground you walk on.”
Lorabeth shook her head. “I know he cares for me. But he doesn’t need me. I want to be—” preparing to speak these next words was as painful as opening a raw wound “—I want to be the air he breathes…the first thing he thinks of in the morning and the last at night…I want to be needed—like food or water.”
“How can you not see what I see when I watch the two of you together?” Ellie asked. “When I see the way he looks at you?”
“He doesn’t…” Lorabeth’s throat got tight, and her eyes filled with embarrassing tears. “This isn’t the time or the place.”
“Stay right there.” Ellie turned and found her husband visiting with the Connors and Hollisters and handed Madeline to him. Returning to Lorabeth, she said, “Let’s get our coats and go to the house for a minute of privacy. Pru won’t mind if we sit in her kitchen.”
Once inside, the stove gave off enough heat that they didn’t need their coats, so they shed them. “Now tell me what has you so unhappy,” Ellie said.
“I’m embarrassed to talk about it,” Lorabeth answered hesitantly.
“Some things need to be said.”
Lorabeth glanced around the room before looking at her hands and searching for the right words. “Benjamin doesn’t…touch me. We’ve only been, you know, intimate like husband and wife twice since we were married, and that was weeks and weeks ago.”
Ellie’s expression was grim. Had Lorabeth revealed something too personal for a sister to know? Was Ellie shocked that Lorabeth would even care?
“Is that normal, Ellie? Because I don’t know. If it is, then I must be a wicked person, because…” She couldn’t even go on. Her face burned with shame.
Ellie took a deep breath and pulled out two wooden chairs to face each other. She gestured for Lorabeth to take one, then she sat. “Ben has no idea of what’s normal and what isn’t,” she said. “Ben and I saw things in our childhood that no one—child or adult—should ever have seen. Children are impressionable, and what we witnessed was…well, it was sinful and disrespectful. Our mother entertained her ‘clients’ in the same room where we slept,” she said. “I never knew whether to use the threadbare blanket for warmth or as a curtain to shield the view.”
“I’m sorry, Ellie. You don’t have to tell me this.”
“Ben won’t tell you. So I do have to. Ben won’t tell you about something that happened to me that shaped his whole life. It’s my secret to tell, so I’m going to.”
Lorabeth was so intrigued that she couldn’t deny her desire to possess this knowledge.
“When I was just a girl, maybe thirteen or fourteen, my mother took money to let a man have sex with me.” She took a deep breath. “Ben stood outside, pounding on the carriage door trying to get in and help me.”
Horror flooded Lorabeth. That this kind, generous woman had experienced such horror was inconceivable. And Benjamin had been there…and had been unable to help her. Unable to protect her.
Ellie leaned forward. “He was only eight years old, Lorabeth. Eight years old.”
Tears stung Lorabeth’s eyes. Her husband’s concern about her
well-being and his agony over the brief pain he’d caused her made perfect sense now. He’d been trying to protect her from something he knew as only bringing hurt and shame.
“He knows that what happened to me was not what takes place between a man and a wife,” Ellie said. “Just like I knew it when Caleb and I were married. But he has to understand it in his heart—and experience love to truly understand.”
“He has nightmares,” Lorabeth said softly.
“I thought maybe he’d outgrown those.”
Lorabeth shook her head.
“His helplessness ate him alive. He was angry and tortured for so long. He resented Caleb when we were first married…until he grew to understand Caleb’s love for me—for all of us—and believed that Caleb meant me no harm.”
“He’s probably afraid of his own feelings toward me,” she said perceptively. “He keeps himself held in such tight control all the time.”
“You know my brother well,” Ellie said.
“I thought his reluctance was because of me,” she said. “Something wrong with me. I’ve been so selfish.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you. Let me tell you the rest.”
“There’s more?” Lorabeth asked.
Ellie went on. “When our mother died the boys went to a foster home.”
“He told me about the Heaths.”
“I got a job as a Harvey Girl, hoping to earn enough to get them back and take care of them. But I broke my arm and couldn’t work. Caleb doctored me and asked me to take care of Nate. He was recently widowed. He taught me to trust. He taught me love and compassion, but it took a long time to break through. My past was a wall around my heart.”
“Ellie, you’re so brave and strong,” she said.
“I wasn’t then. But listen. One night the man who had raped me lured away Caleb with a fake message and came to the house. He hit Benjamin, then tied him to a chair and abducted me. It was going to happen all over again.”
“What happened then?”
“Somehow Benjamin got loose and came after me. There was a scuffle and…Ben got the man’s gun away. He shot him.”
“The man died?”
“Yes. Caleb explained to the law, and after questioning all of us, they ruled it was self-defense.” Ellie’s voice revealed deep emotion. “Ben risked his life for me. He saved me. But I think the fact that he was angry and scared enough to shoot a man—even protecting me—has colored his view of himself.”
“I’m sure you’re right.”
“This was my story to tell you,” Ellie said. “And now that you know, I hope you’ll be able to help Ben.”
“If love is what it takes, then I have plenty of that to offer.”
Ellie leaned forward and hugged her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Lorabeth looked at her protector differently throughout the rest of the evening. He was the man she wanted to share the rest of her life with. He was everything she’d dreamed of and more. She’d vowed not to hold back and miss anything, and she was going to make good on that claim now.
The banjo player called ladies’ choice for the upcoming dance, and Lorabeth found Benjamin and led the way through the crowd to the dance area.
Even without a word between them, awareness was as strong as ever. Halfway through the song, she said, “I’d like to go home now.”
“Are you feeling poorly?”
“I feel fine. I just want to go home.”
“All right.” He guided her to the side of the room and left her while he found their coats, then they said their goodbyes to his family.
A light snow was falling as he drove the buggy toward town. He halted the horse near the back porch and assisted her down.
She accepted his help, knowing his need to do so. Inside she hurried up the stairs and into the bedroom where she laid kindling in the small heater and started a fire to take the chill from the air.
She had changed into a silver-blue gown by the time he came up the stairs to join her. Before he could reach the lamp, she stepped in front of him. “I’d like it if you left the lamps burning tonight.”
He met her gaze assessingly, then agreed. “All right.”
He untied his tie and removed his shirt. His boots and stockings came next.
Lorabeth turned her back and moved to sit on the bed. She got comfortable in the center.
“You want the wicks down low or left as they are?” he asked.
“They’re fine as they are,” she replied.
She could tell he was indecisive about what to do next. If he was coming to bed he’d have to remove his trousers.
“Benjamin?”
He turned his gaze on her, and his eyes shone vivid blue in the lantern light.
“I want a husband who isn’t ashamed to want me.”
He was careful to guard his expression, but she caught his initial wariness.
“I want to know all the secrets lovers share. Are you shocked?”
“I don’t know.”
“I want you to touch me the way a man touches his wife.”
A muscle in his jaw worked. He held her gaze.
“And if someday you could find it in your heart to love me, I mean truly love me, I would be the happiest woman there ever was.”
Finally he moved, kneeling on the bed and pushing her back against the pillows to lean over her. “I made a mistake,” he said. “With all the presents.”
“I liked them…”
“But they were a poor substitute. And I understand now. It’s just…Lorabeth, you’re so perfect, and I couldn’t bear to hurt you or do anything to dishonor you.”
“Benjamin.”
“What?”
“Do you recall the tantrum I threw the other day in this very room?”
“You were angry with me. It was justified.”
“Would a perfect woman lose her temper that way?”
“You were right.”
“I’m not perfect, and I’m tired of trying to be perfect. I don’t want to be on a pedestal where you can’t touch me. I spent too many years living up to my father’s standards to want to try to please another man the same way. Please don’t expect perfection of me. I’m human—a flesh-and-blood woman, and I want to be treated like one. I want to feel like one. I want to make mistakes and find out the hard way. Is that so wrong?”
He leaned down to kiss her. “No,” he said against her lips. “It’s not wrong at all. I’ve been unfair to you.”
She framed his face between her palms and studied the face she loved. “Don’t hold back anymore,” she begged him.
The flicker of pain that passed in his eyes told her it was time to lay it all out.
“I know,” she told him.
He frowned. “Know what?”
“Everything. Ellie told me. She told me what happened to her. How you tried to help her when you were so young.”
His face revealed surprise. Then concern.
“About what happened later when the same man came for her. And you—”
“I killed him,” he finished for her. He leaned away and moved to a sitting position.
Lorabeth rose to face him. “You saved her. You risked your life for her.”
“I’d do it again,” he said.
“Of course you would. You would protect her at any cost. You would do the same for me. Wouldn’t you?”
“What does that make me? I killed a man.”
She reached to thread her fingers through his. His wedding band caught the light. “It makes you brave. And self-sacrificing.”
“It scared me that I had that in me,” he told her.
“You didn’t shoot him out of anger, you shot him in desperation to save your sister—and yourself. You’re not a killer,” she told him. “You’re a healer. You just did what you had to do. Now I know why you’re so hard on yourself. You’ve set standards for yourself so high you couldn’t possibly meet them. I know why you couldn’t bear the thought of hurting me. I know why passion seems
like a weakness to you.
“You’re not responsible for the whole world, Benjamin. There was only one man who ever was, and He did the job well enough.”
Ben had listened to every word with growing acceptance and incredulity. It hadn’t been his place to tell about Ellie, and he would never have asked his sister to uncover these things. But she’d cared enough about him—and about Lorabeth—to reveal it all.
The amazing part now was that none of the shocking truths about his life had turned Lorabeth away. Not even his ignorance or blind stubbornness had changed her determination. She was incredible.
“I do love you, Lorabeth,” he said at last. “I’ve loved you since we first met. I never let myself dream like you did. I’ve been afraid to trust. I was always afraid of bein’ like the men I hated. Like the father I imagined. Since I met you—since I met Wes—I’ve had to change all my thinkin’. It hasn’t been easy.”
“You’re a most determined man,” she said. “I’m sure that once you’ve made up your mind to change, you’ll do it.”
He pulled her down alongside him. “And you’re a determined woman.”
She laid her hand on his warm skin and pressed a kiss to his chest.
He caught her hair around his wrist. “I want you, Lorabeth. In my heart I know you’re willing and that lovemaking is a good thing. Sometimes my head doesn’t quite catch up, so be patient with me.”
He put all his feelings into the kiss he gave his delightfully impatient and impulsive wife. He was a fortunate man. In that moment he chose to trust her with his heart.
“There’s something else,” she said when he paused to trail kisses down her jawline to her neck.
“What is it?” he asked against her skin.
“It’s about one of the gifts you gave me.” She paused. “Remember that love never fails.”
“I love you.”
“We’re going to have a baby.”
His lips paused under her ear. Beneath her palm, his heart kicked into a gallop.
“When I first learned it, I knew God had blessed our marriage. All you have to do is love our children, Benjamin. Everything else will follow.”
He raised his head to look at her.
“They won’t be perfect,” she told him. “And neither of us will be perfect parents. But we’ll love them. And we’ll give them all we never had and more.”
The Preacher’s Daughter Page 22