“I do like you. And okay, now I feel stupid and I hate feeling stupid. I really do.”
“I can understand that, but you shouldn’t.” And maybe he should just say, okay. Agree with her that this wasn’t really going anywhere and cut his losses, but he couldn’t seem do it. He’d known her a handful of weeks. She was leaving in a handful more. But… “Is it that you don’t trust me?”
“It’s not about trust. It’s really not. It’s my problem. Call it a hang up, call it whatever you want, but it’s there. You’re a temptation,” she said, and followed it with a stiff laugh. “You absolutely are. But maybe we should just be friends, given my hang ups. That’s probably for the best, right?”
He wanted to say no, not right. Not by a long shot. He almost did. But all the sudden there were tears gathering on her lashes and she was trying like hell not to let them show. That told him that whatever or whoever had caused her hang up, had done a real number on her.
“Sure,” he said, and leaned in, cupped her cheek in his hand and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. “We can be friends. I’d say we already are.”
And call it perseverance or stubbornness, but he wasn’t agreeing to anything just yet. They could be friends. But not just.
Ava held onto Luke’s bicep as he walked her to the door. His other hand, big and warm, covered hers. She was shaking and hoped like hell he couldn’t feel it. It was bad enough she’d almost cried in front of him. Her emotions were all over the place.
“Goodnight,” he said at the door. “Thanks for going.”
“Sure,” she said softly, and managed to get inside the house before the tears came. She let herself have a moment to flush out this emotional overload, then roughly rubbed the tears away. It was stupid to cry over a man she hardly knew and she’d had enough stupid for one night. She’d call Maddie, eat some ice cream.
Thankful the house was quiet she grabbed some ice cream and went to her room, closing the door softly behind her. The last thing she wanted was her mom coming in asking her thirty–one-year-old divorced daughter how her date was.
She’d put on a movie, one she’d watched a hundred times with her friend. She grabbed the quart sized container she’d placed in the bottom right corner. Prying off the top, she dug in with her spoon and nearly gagged when she got a mouthful of lime sorbet instead of the Rocky Road she’d expected.
She hated lime anything and spit the bite into the kitchen sink. Time to add braille to the ice cream, she thought with a sigh. Eventually she found her ice cream and took it and a spoon to her room.
When she was settled on the bed, she directed Siri to call Maddie.
“Hey.”
“Hey. What’s up?”
She sighed. “Nothing. Eating ice cream.”
“Oh, boy. Bowl or container?”
“Container. But there’s not that much left.”
“Mmm hmm. Hang on. I’ll get mine. You know it’s pathetic of you to even try to hide it. Just tell me.”
Ava sighed again and gave her friend the long and entirely too detailed version, adding in how idiotic she felt and going all the way back to their almost kiss in the tack room and their ride in the woods.
“I can’t explain it really. He’s such a guy, you know? A former Army Ranger. This is a guy who has hunted down terrorists in the middle of the night and, like, seized airfields. He could probably live in the woods for a month with nothing but a pocket knife and have a log home built by day three.”
“Hot,” Maddie said around a mouthful of ice cream.
“But there’s more to him than that. We talk and he makes me feel… I don’t know. Admired. Perfectly able and at the same time he goes out of his way to make things easier for me.”
“Sigh.”
“Yeah.” And when she was with him, she wanted to lean on him. Wanted to have him hold her hand through a crowd or serve up nachos. And in a space jammed with people and noise she’d always been keenly aware of Luke. “I like being around him but…”
“But what?”
But she wasn’t so sure she wouldn’t fall for Luke, regardless of time.
“You’re afraid. Understandable.”
“No, I just don’t think I’m ready.”
“Same thing isn’t it? And damn it, I’m out of ice cream. And mine wasn’t almost empty. That was your fault.”
Ava smiled. “I miss you.”
“Miss you more.” A moment passed. “Have you heard about the job?”
“No.”
“Would I be a bitch if I admitted I’d rather you stay in New York?”
“No. You wouldn’t be. I’d feel the same way about you. Just don’t talk to Rick and Nancy.”
“Oh, shit. You told your parents?”
“It slipped out and they reacted about like you’d expect. My brother is being all big brother on me.”
“Damn him.”
“Luke’s the only person that seems remotely interested or excited.”
“Luke doesn’t love you like we do. He won’t miss you like we will.”
“True.” And she felt a painful skip in her chest at the absolute truth of that. Her parents would worry and make her feel guilty. Her brother would be fine after he gave her some grief. Her best friend would miss her, but Maddie had a huge network of friends and a demanding job. And… that was all.
There was no one who couldn’t live without her. No one she couldn’t live without. She should be glad about that.
19
Zach made his cut with the circular saw then waited for Luke to finish screwing in the first vertical piece of window trim.
“We’ve already got his mattress as low as it will go,” Zach said. “And he’s still getting over the crib rail like it’s nothing so Nora’s like, we gotta baby proof his room, make it safe for when he climbs out.”
“And what if he decided to go rogue around the house?”
“Exactly. And since we really don’t want to close him up in his room, I put up a baby gate across the doorway, three feet high. He goes over like it’s nothing. And I’m thinking, one day this kid’s going to be fifteen, sixteen, and if we can’t outsmart him now then we’re in deep shit.
“So we put up another baby gate over the first one. Now it’s six feet high and even though there’s no way he’s getting over, Nora puts a twin mattress in the hallway just in case. Guess what happened?”
“He went over,” Luke said, taking the wood from his brother.
“Damn right. We’re in the bedroom, doing… you know and I hear this little voice in the doorway. Scared the shit out of me. I’m telling you,” Zach said. “The force is strong with that one.”
Luke smiled, picturing his little brother as Daddy and all that went with it. “He’s probably laughing at you.”
Zach sighed. “Damn it. He probably is.”
“What’s your next move?”
“We’re working on it.”
“How about a screen door? With a latch.”
Zach paused. “Huh. That’s not a bad idea.”
They worked another fifteen minutes in silence before either of them spoke again.
“Anything from Dallas?”
“No,” Zach said. “Nick is asking around. Quietly. Only thing for sure is he’s undercover. And if he can’t get word out or if they’re too cautious to get word out for him, he must be deep.”
“Yeah.” And deep was synonymous with dangerous.
“Ava seemed nice,” Zach said, taking measurements of the next window.
“Yeah.” Luke lined up the next piece, pulled the drill from his tool belt.
“Definitely easy to look at.”
Luke looked at him but Zach didn’t raise his head from the board.
“Noticed you looking at her quite a bit.”
Luke turned again and caught his brother’s smirk.
“Anything going on there?”
“Nope.” And he’d been expending a good bit of energy trying not to be too disappointed about that. “An
d don’t come off your honeymoon and start trying to pair me off.”
“Okay. My bad. Thought you were interested.”
“I didn’t say I wasn’t.”
“Okay. Good talk.”
Was that hurt he heard in his brother’s voice? Frustration? Did his little brother really care that much if he opened up and talked to him? But Zach had always been the one to fill the silence. Luke reminded himself he wanted to connect. If so, he needed to make an effort.
“She put the brakes on.” He shrugged like it was no big deal but the gesture felt forced. Because he did care. He cared a hell of a lot which was way past smart.
Zach didn’t say anything else for a minute and Luke thought, well, that wasn’t so bad.
“Any particular reason?”
Damn it. Should have known Zach wouldn’t let that be the end of it. “She had a few, one of which is that she’s going back to New York soon. And be careful with that nail gun. She’s a little testy.”
“I got it,” Zach said. “And I guess that’s understandable, her going back to New York. Though in my experience, women rarely have one reason for anything. It’s not even a list, more like a damn web of reasons and reasonings.”
Luke sank the next screw with too much force and had to back it out and do it again.
“So, you just going to let her blow you off?”
“I didn’t say she blew me off.” Luke wrenched it, tightening it harder than it needed and heard the start of the wood splitting. “Shit.” He was too pissed to look up but thought he heard his brother snicker.
“And what difference does it make? She is going back to the city soon. Hell, she’s doing her best to get a job in another country.”
“Oh. So you want her to stay here and she doesn’t want to. Huh.” Zach stood there, peering up at Zach’s finished window. “Makes sense.”
Luke glared at his younger brother. “What makes sense?”
“You want her to stay and she—”
“I heard what you said, you’re just so far off base, I’m—forget it. Just drop it.”
“Sure. Pass me that tape measure.” They worked in silence another few minutes.
“And I’m sure if you did want more and she didn’t, that would have nothing to do with why you hung half that trim finished edge up and the other half, finished side down. Since I’m way off base, I guess you’re just a dumbass.”
Luke stepped back, looked at the window. “Fuck.”
Zach stopped what he was doing and Luke could feel his curious stare.
“You know, if this isn’t about the girl, then… we could… you know. Talk or something.”
“What else would it be?”
“Hell, I don’t know. God knows a woman is enough to get a guy tied up. But if it was something else… I’m just saying. I’m here. Ya, know?”
Luke stood scowling at the glaring mistake he’d made, trying to take his little brother’s offer at face value. It was just an offer, not asking him to unload all his troubles. “Thanks, man. I’m good.”
Luke threw himself into the chore of tearing off what he’d done and starting over while Zach made cuts for the window he’d measured.
“Okay, man,” Zach said three hours later. “Time for me to call it a day.”
Luke stopped, hung the cordless drill in his belt. “Thanks for the help.”
“You got it.” He paused at his truck door. “Think I’ll go screen door shopping on my way home. I’ll you know how it turns out.”
Huh. He was going to let him know.
Luke figured that was reconnecting in a way and it hadn’t even been that hard. He watched his brother drive off to his wife and baby and daddy stuff. He had a passing thought about what that would feel like. Seemed like a hell of a lot of worry on top of ultimate responsibility.
He didn’t let himself wonder about it long, instead throwing himself into the next step which was the front porch. While he worked, he got the idea to hand cut the ladder rungs, make it more rustic and he liked to whittle. He could sit out here at night, keep his hands busy.
The rest of the week passed without seeing Ava and it was driving him crazy. And crazier still that he couldn’t bring himself to ask Hannah when she was coming out to ride again. Was she not riding because she didn’t want to see him? Or was he just missing her by chance?
He worked until he lost the light. His back and arms ached with the satisfaction of hard labor. Next on his agenda… Shower. Dinner. Ladder rungs. And a long night of quiet. Maybe too much quiet.
20
She needed to swim. That’s what Ava thought as she downed the last of her morning coffee. It’d been a few days since she’d told Luke they should be friends. She hadn’t been riding since then, not because she was avoiding him, just…because.
She needed to move, to burn some energy and frustration. Her parents, her growing feelings for Luke Walker.
“Hey, Mom?”
She turned to face the direction her mother sat at the kitchen table. “I was thinking I might take you up on your offer and go to the Y.” Her mom had been a member at the YMCA for as long as she could remember. “I’ve been missing the exercise.”
“You’re rail thin,” her mom scoffed. “You don’t need to exercise.”
“Well… I’d still like to go. You know exercise isn’t only about losing weight. It’s good for the soul, the mind. Gets those happy endorphins flowing.”
“Well, I don’t know if we should leave your father. And I don’t think they have my aerobics class today.”
“I wasn’t really thinking both of us. I’d really like to swim.”
“Oh, Ava. I don’t think you want to swim in that pool. For one thing the water is frigid.”
Ava stood and went to the sink with her empty mug. It was a straight shot, six steps. “Once I get going I’ll warm up. That is why they kept the water cooler, after all. Because the pool was used for swimming laps. Dad’s already done his PT this morning,” she went on, before her mother could list more reasons she shouldn’t.
“How would you get there? I guess I could drop you, but it’s all the way across town.”
In the city, her gym was two blocks away. And she never had to ask permission or give explanations. She just decided and she went. Maybe it had been a mistake to stay away so much that her parents really hadn’t gotten used to seeing how she managed by herself.
“I’ll call a ride with my app. I do it all the time,” she said quickly, ready for the protest.
“I wish you wouldn’t. I just don’t think it’s safe. I’ve seen it on the news, Ava. Uber drivers abducting people.”
“Mom.” Ava turned, smiling. “Do you really see that all the time?”
She heard her mom’s chair slide back and the sound of her slippers on the tile. “Okay. Maybe it was once, but—”
“But nothing.” She kissed her mother’s cheek as she joined her at the sink. “It’ll help me to get out and burn off some energy.”
“Nance?” Her father called from the other room and Ava made her escape.
She used the ride app on her phone to call for a pick-up and when she got the message back that her ride was five only minutes away, she grabbed a bag, stuffed in her suit and a towel and went out the front door to wait.
Not for the first time, she wished she was home. A gym she was familiar with. With public transportation she relied on. But she hadn’t lied, she did use Uber occasionally, but it could be tricky since she couldn’t see exactly where the pick up dot was. Here in front of her parents’ house shouldn’t be a problem.
Using her cane, she made her way down the sidewalk to wait at the mailbox. She heard, then felt a car approach, but she waited for the driver to put down the window and say her name.
“Yes. Thank you.” She felt for the passenger door and got in.
“Hello,” he said. Bob was his name, according to the app. He sounded middle aged and had a jazz station playing on low.
She took the time to thin
k things through. There’d be a sign in desk. She’d need to show her ID, her proof of parents’ membership then find her way to the pool. If she had to ask for help, she would. She accepted that sometimes there was no other way.
It was an eighteen to twenty-minute drive so she sat lost in her own thoughts. Her dad, her job at the UN, and the possibility of a job in Italy. She pictured herself strolling old streets, running her fingers over swirling limestone architecture. Popping into delis for Prosciutto and pastries. She smiled remembering Luke’s observation that maybe she loved the city for the food. Then she just remembered Luke.
There was no denying the attraction, the deeper interest. He was an interesting man. But she’d made the decision to step back from whatever was happening between them and it was the right one. She was only going to be here another month, maybe six weeks. No need to set herself up for rejection.
And on the heels of that thought came anger. She’d never expected to be rejected and now she expected nothing else. It pissed her off that Blake had done that. Had changed her. Like the surgery had changed him.
She couldn’t blame him, at least not for that. Being able to see after not seeing was a huge change. A huge adjustment. Something as simple as walking through a park was new and exciting.
“It’s so bright, Ava,” Blake had said, a few weeks after his surgery, as they walked through Central Park. “I know I keep saying it, but you just can’t understand how bright it is. Like a ball of fire that you can only look at for a second before having to look away.”
It was winter, but she’d known the sun was out, felt the warmth on her face as she walked beside Blake through the park. She’d been happy to be out with him, her hand on his arm. They used to eat lunch in a park near the UN almost every day. Lately he’d started taking lunch with his coworkers in an adjoining building.
“Oh, my gosh, you should see the flowers. There’s already so many more than there were just last week. Yellow and pink and red.”
She didn’t know yellow. Or red or pink, but she nodded, smiled and let him talk and narrate as he’d done nonstop since the day he opened his new eyes to a whole new world. Like her, Blake had been blind since birth and the joy in his voice was palpable. She couldn’t imagine all he was seeing for the first time.
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