“Blake, can I ask you something?”
“Um… Sure,” he said, sounding almost surprised that she’d stopped him mid-sentence.
“Did you really hate being blind so much?”
“What?”
“Did you hate it? Hate your life? Or were we happy?”
“Well, I’m not sure, Ava.”
“Yes, you are. It’s a simple question. What if the surgery hadn’t worked? Would you have moved on? Continued on as you were?” She already knew the answer, she just didn’t know why it was just occurring to her.
“If you’re asking if I would have been happy if it hadn’t worked, I think the obvious answer is, no.”
“Not happy that it didn’t work, just happy. With me, with yourself, with life.”
“I’m not sure I see the difference.”
That’s what she’d thought.
“Look,” he said. “I hated knowing people were looking at me, at us. Then after… people still looked.”
“Because of me.”
“Yes. I don’t want to hurt you, but yes. Only then I could see them and it was worse.”
“But they weren’t looking at you, they were looking at me. I assume.”
“Yes, but I was with you.”
“Ahh.”
“Ava, I’m sorry.”
She smiled. “You don’t have to apologize, Blake. Don’t apologize for being who you are.” And I won’t apologize for feeling sorry for you.
A man so self-conscious, who cares so much about what other people think, that he’d leave his wife.
Luke wouldn’t care. Luke was the type of man to do what he wanted, be who he was. And the world could take it or leave it.
And she’d left it.
“Have a good day, Blake,” she said, happily walking away from her past, and bitterly regretting walking away from what might have been her future.
40
Luke missed his friend, his lover. He hadn’t seen Ava in exactly nine days and it felt like a lifetime. He wanted to show her the guide ropes that had been added in front of the cabin. The wooden braille name plates he’d made to hang outside the cabin doors.
He made his way down the city sidewalk with irate honks and exhaust from the taxis following him. His steps were lighter today, stronger and more sure than they’d been since the accident. He’d spent the entire flight to New York working out what he would say. Now that he was here, he wasn’t sure anything he’d come up with would be enough.
He stopped at the corner, waiting for the blinking red hand to turn to green. He could barely hear the beeping Ava had mentioned over the noise of the city. But if this worked out the way he hoped, it’d be his city too, so he’d better get used to it.
The scent of a sidewalk cart selling hot dogs filled his nose and followed him six more steps. Yeah, he caught himself counting steps.
Nothing was familiar so he double checked the map on his phone, as he headed to the address Ava’s brother had given him. How in the hell did she find her way around here? He crossed another block and took a right. His plan was to be there waiting when she got home from work. It was four-thirty now, so he might have a few hours to kill.
He hadn’t told Ava’s brother why he was coming, or even exactly when. Hadn’t told him he was coming at all. For all Ryan knew Luke was adding Ava to his Christmas card list.
But Connie, the sister-in-law, she knew. That female sixth sense, he thought, reading the incoming text.
Ava’s at Trattoria. Friday drinks. 5-8 Corner of East 44th and Second Avenue. Don’t be an idiot.
He smiled, feeling a slight bolstering to have someone on his side. He checked the restaurant address on his phone and changed course.
When he saw the name lettered on the black and white striped awning up ahead his heart skipped. And as he drew closer and scanned the outdoor tables, he could see that she’d held to tradition. He stopped short, causing a man to curse behind him and a woman to bump his shoulder with her bag.
He didn’t care.
The woman seated with her, Maddie he assumed, sat with her back to him and Ava couldn’t see him so he took a minute. She wore a heavy navy coat over a white top. The coat hood was down and the fur edge curved around and under her chin. Smiling at whatever her friend was saying, she gathered her hair in her hand and pulled it around, holding it at her shoulder to keep it from blowing in her face.
This was it, he thought, as another rushing New Yorker skirted around him, cursing under his breath. This was how it fit, how it felt. What he hadn’t understood at his brother’s wedding just weeks ago. But it didn’t matter how long ago it was. He hadn’t known Ava then, so it might as well have been a lifetime.
And just a few weeks ago, when he was making that terrifying slide toward love, he’d thought he needed time. Just enough to get a handle on it, to get the details of his life ironed out, but he didn’t, he realized. He didn’t need time. He only needed Ava. And if she needed time… Well… If she did, he was about to find out.
Luke had to go through the restaurant to get to the outside seating and as he made his approach, he saw the female he assumed was Maddie catch site of him and do a double take. As he continued in their direction she raised her eyebrows at him and he gave her a tight smile.
When he reached the table, the friend whispered something to Ava then gathered her purse from an unoccupied chair and stood. “I’m guessing you’re the cowboy,” she said, staring him down.
He nodded. She touched his arm as she passed and in a low voice said, “If you hurt her, I’ll kill you.” Then she flashed him a slightly scary smile and left.
“Hey,” he said and his heart pounded in his chest.
Her eyes were wide and her mouth had dropped open as she cast those blue, blue eyes directly at him. Damn, she was beautiful.
“I can’t believe you’re here. How are you? How’s your leg? Here, sit.”
He pulled out the iron chair her friend and just vacated and sat. Unable to help himself he leaned in, simply letting his lips linger on her forehead a moment until he felt steadier.
“Luke? Are you sure you’re okay?”
“No. Not really. But I will be.” He scooted his chair in, angling closer to Ava until their knees were touching. “And that’s not where I wanted to start, but I guess it’s got to be covered so I will.”
“Ava,” he started and took both her hands in his own. “I know you were scared, baby and I understand why, but what happened was a fluke. An accident. I was damn lucky you were there. I might have tried to drive. Might have fainted. Anything. Things happen.”
He looked at her small hands in his, stroked his thumbs over the back of them. In the beginning, he’d taken her hand for her, then later for himself. Then somewhere along the way he’d started taking her hand just because.
“Ava, I know you think being blind brings challenges, but I come with challenges too. I still don’t sleep like a normal person. There’ll be times I forget and leave stuff out but I’ll try my damnedest not to. I don’t think I’ll ever have a conventional nine to five job. You’d have to take all those, just as I take you. And I wouldn’t have you any other way, because that’s who you are, and you are exactly who I want.
“And there’s more than one way to help someone, Ava. To lead someone. There may be times I lead you physically, but you know as well as I do that you don’t need much leading. But you lead me, too.”
“I don’t think I’ve been leading—”
“You’re wrong. Physically or emotionally? Who’s to say which is more important? I was looking at the past. You made me want to look at the future. And now I only want to look if that future includes you. I have my sight. You don’t. My eyes are wide open on that one and I’m sitting here, choosing you. Choosing us.”
“I’m asking you to choose me Ava, to choose us.” He gathered her hands close to his chest, forcing her to turn in her seat. “I don’t care where we are, but I don’t want to spend my life without you. I lov
e you.” He said it gently. “I won’t go away and I won’t stop loving you. Even if I have to navigate this circus all alone.”
“You’d hate it here and you love the farm.”
“I love you.”
“But you’re helping Hannah. And you said you needed to be there. That it was good for you.”
“I need to be with you. You’re good for me.”
“Luke.”
She drew in a long deep breath before speaking. It was no more than second and yet he felt like a man, standing on the block, waiting for his execution, praying for a reprieve.
“I’ve always wanted to make a difference,” she finally said. “To leave a mark. To do something that I felt was important, and honestly, that made me feel important.”
“Ava—”
“No. Let me finish. I wanted to feel… I don’t know, accomplished maybe? I wanted to contribute something because I was so worried I didn’t have enough to contribute, or that I had to contribute more than other people for it to count. To prove I was more. But my mom was right. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s been right all along. I could work as an interpreter at a hospital or a clinic. And you, you made me feel like I was enough even if I did nothing at all.”
“You could sit in a field and pick daisies and you’d be more than enough.”
“It’s crazy that you actually make me believe that. I don’t need what I thought I needed. I already knew that. I can help people and make a difference without having my UN clearance badge. The work Hannah’s doing, helping her with that, that might make the biggest difference of all, but then you got hurt and…” Her face dropped.
“That can happen anytime.”
“It’s more of a risk with me,” she said.
And when she raised her face back to his there were tears clinging to her lashes and it nearly killed him. “No. No one knows what’s going to happen tomorrow. I could lose my legs tomorrow, my sight, my arm. It would be a commitment. Good or bad. Whatever happens.”
“I thought you might be relieved.”
“Relieved? No. I’ve been sitting outside on my porch with a kitten in my lap and—”
“Wait. Did you say your porch not the porch?”
“Yeah. Hannah’s given up on the camp this summer. Says there’s too many codes and details and, anyway, she also decided that if I was going to stay on that I should take that cabin and build the others a little closer to the barn and— Look. None of that matters.
“Ava, you’re the first woman I’ve ever loved and you’ll be the last. I spent most of my life convincing myself I didn’t need anyone. I thought I wanted to be alone, that I was better off alone. Or other people were better off.”
“Luke—”
“I used to think that. And then you came along and…”
She put her hand to his cheek and just that simple gesture nearly did him in. Without warning, Luke caught her face in his hands, covered her mouth with his and all but inhaled her. He lifted his lips from hers, looked into those blue, blue eyes. “Marry me, Ava.”
She jerked back as far as she could with his hands still holding her face.
“I know you said it was the last thing you’d do. But that was before. At least I hope it was before because I’m serious. I want it all. Marriage, an entire life, with you. A family, if you want it. And don’t say we can’t because we can. We can do anything we want. Together. Marry me.”
She was still staring, her mouth opened, but no sound came out. All the emotions he’d been carrying for years, decades, climbed up his throat until his eyes and nose burned with the effort of holding it back. He took one of Ava’s hands, laid it on his cheek.
“Do you know the last time I cried? No? Neither do I. But you can feel this Ava. Even if you can’t see it. Just like you can feel the rain. Here’s your rain.”
“Luke.” Her chin quivered and her eyes welled with tears, making deep, blue pools. “Don’t.”
“It’s okay and a long time coming. Though I can’t believe I’m actually crying at an outdoor table in the middle of the city. But it’s okay.” He smiled.
Ava shook her head slowly. “I can’t believe this is happening. I can’t believe I would even consider it.”
“But you are. Considering it.”
“More than. I’m more than considering it. I’m saying yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes.” She threw herself at him, taking a strangle hold around his neck. “Yes. But it won’t be here,” she said, loosening her grip, easing back. “I love you, Luke. Let’s go home.”
He kissed her, a long, slow, sweet kiss and thought she heard clapping in the background. Wondered absently if it was for them.
She brushed her fingers over his damp cheek, and rested her forehead against his. Everything she wanted was right here in her grasp. And she could trust this. She could trust him with her heart and she would give hers to him, without reservation, without fear. Forever.
Four months later…
Luke walked with Ava on his arm down a floral scented cobblestone street, the scent of fresh baked pastries guiding them. The sun had set and now lights lit the ancient streets, reflecting off the water on lamp posts and draping strings.
Yesterday, she’d become his wife, he’d become her husband, on a centuries old bridge crossing a narrow waterway in Venice. They hadn’t planned it, not exactly, and it wasn’t legally binding, they’d take care of that when they go back to the states, but it had been perfect.
Ava in a white summer dress flowing around her knees, her hair long and loose and fluttering around her cheeks. They’d promised to love, to honor, to remain faithful. They’d exchanged rings they’d found in a little shop on a street they’d only gone down because they’d gotten lost. And just as the sun dropped into the horizon, as a gondolier sang as he floated under them, they’d said I do.
So now they walked, his wife—and Zach had been right about the sound of that— on his arm, their bellies stuffed with pasta and prosciutto. His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, slowing his steps as he read the text.
Ava drew to a stop beside him. “What is it?”
“Dallas is home.” He shook his head almost not believing it.
“Wow. Is that all he said?”
“Yeah. That’s all Zach said.” But it sounded like there was a load of words behind the simple statement.
“Do you need to call him?”
Luke thought a minute and started walking again. “I’ll call him later. Right now I promised my wife a chocolate croissant and that’s what she’s going to get.”
Ava got her croissant, Luke a cannoli, and they shared a cappuccino as they walked into an open piazza. She heard slow, moaning notes of a lone violin, heard people nearby speaking in English, French, and Italian. City sounds without the cars.
As they neared the violin, Ava felt the stone under her feet change to grass. Luke slowed his steps.
“Dance with me.”
“Now? Here?”
“Why not?”
Laughing she went into his arms, even kicked off her sandals. The grass was cool under her bare feet and Luke’s hand was warm wrapped around hers, holding it over his heart. His other hand moved slowly up and down her back. “It all started with a dance,” she said.
“Funny, I thought it started with cookies.” He dipped his head, kissed her neck. “You in this dress is making me crazy.”
“It’s just a sundress.”
“It’s a sundress that needs to come off.” He nipped her ear.
“Don’t rush me,” she said, smiling. “It’s our last night.” But she sifted her fingers through the hair at his neck, knowing it made him crazy.
“You know it’s damn sexy listening to you speak in Italian. We’re going to have to figure out a way to continue that at home.”
“I think that can be arranged.”
“Are you sorry you won’t be living here?”
“Not even a little.” She lifted her face to
his. “And Italy would have been so much less without you. You’ve made me see it.” There was sultry and romantic music, food, scents, and Luke touching her, always touching her. Her hand, her face, skimming his fingers through her hair. “But I’ll also be happy to be home. I’m sure Night Rider misses you.”
Luke lifted her hand to his face, laid her palm over his smile then kissed her fingers. He gathered her close again, resting his chin on the top of her head.
There would be a dinner with her family when they returned. Thankfully her parents hadn’t been too disappointed at the elopement news. The impending birth of her nephew helped. She imagined there would be a Walker dinner to celebrate the return of Dallas. She knew Luke was anxious about Dallas and his dark years of working undercover, but also knew Luke would do whatever it took to help him through it.
The cabin was finished and Luke had added on a room which he was sure would become a nursery. They hadn’t been trying long, but it was a thrilling thought. Four other cabins that would house campers were nearly complete about fifty yards away. They’d talked about moving into town, or maybe hiring a builder to build something bigger on the farm, but for now they were content.
She helped Hannah and volunteered as an interpreter at the hospital. And she had a garden. She and Luke walked and rode. Sat on the porch and sometimes on the swing. Sometimes in the moonlight, sometimes in the sunlight, either way Luke painted a picture, a feeling, in her mind. And if there was rain, she knew and she painted her own.
She knew everything she needed to know. Her heart and his. Sometimes there was light, sometimes darkness, and then sometimes, if you were lucky, you got rain.
Turn the page to read an excerpt from WORTH THE WAIT
About the Author
Claudia Connor is an award winning New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of Contemporary Romance. Claudia attended Auburn University, where she received her undergraduate and masters degrees in early childhood education. When she's not writing, she enjoys movies, reading, and travel, with a heavy dose of daydreaming during all three. Claudia lives near Memphis, Tennessee, with her husband and three daughters.
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