by Ruby Knoxx
“Fine,” I said, not really caring what she did. I took the card off the front of her desk and reached into my back pocket, retrieving my card holder. I pulled out my own card and tossed it on the desk. “Use that when you need to get hold of me. Unless I hear from you, I’ll stop by tomorrow for that list.”
It was everything in me to restrain myself, to not start yelling and demanding answers, to not reach across the desk and kiss her. I had to get out of that office. I had to get away from her so I could think clearly.
I turned to the door. I was almost completely out of it when she stopped me.
“Leon,” she said, her voice reminding me of Black Velvet.
I couldn’t help it. I turned to look back at her, and maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe I should have kept walking. But when she said my name with that slightly husky voice of hers, that reflectively made my lion start to purr within me, I was powerless.
“It was good to see you again,” she said. Her lips pushed together, like she was thinking as her lashes turned down. They rose again and met mine, a light smile highlighting her face. “We should catch up sometime.”
I nodded, not knowing what else to do, not trusting myself to say anything I wouldn’t regret. Inside, pain was stretching and strangling every organ and winding itself through every tissue in my body. But I couldn’t tell her “no.” I couldn’t tell her that she had blown her chance and that she had caused me too much pain by simply being alive right now. Who said something like that, anyway?
And so, wordlessly, I agreed before closing the door behind me.
Chapter 4 – Justine
I shifted my purse on my arm as I walked down the hall of the daycare. One thing I was grateful for with my new job was that I could afford some place like this. The walls were all lined with painted animals and the letters that those animals started with. The tiles on the floor counted the steps to each room, and I could hear singing from various spaces.
So far, Kitty was only in kindergarten every other day to ease her into school, which wasn’t optimal, but the fact that I was able to get her into a daycare that valued education at the same time made it easier.
I found her room and stepped in, seeing Kitty with her long dark hair drawing in the corner. The bow I’d tied her hair back with was gone, which I had somewhat expected. Her hair flowed over the shoulder of her purple shirt as she worked, her little tongue sticking out a little as she concentrated.
She looked up and saw me, smiling and waving before she put down her crayon and brought her picture over to me.
“I made this for you, Mommy,” she said, handing me the drawing. She had drawn a family of lions with big jungle trees surrounding them. I loved her imagination. She was so perceptive. She even knew that the lioness didn’t have a mane. I supposed that it helped that she was obsessed with wildlife documentaries.
“Thank you honey,” I said, wrapping my arms around her and giving her a tight squeeze.
Holding her there, I struggled to let her go. Seeing Leon earlier had thrown me headlong into memories that I didn’t want to dwell on. All I knew was that I was so grateful for my little girl and that all that was behind us. I had worked hard to put it all in the past, and I had no intention of dredging it back into our new lives.
“I’m going to put this in my purse for safe keeping, okay?” I said, slipping the drawing into my bag as Kitty nodded, her little dimples deepening.
I caught the eye of Denise, one of the staff in the room, and gave her a wave, letting her know I was taking Kitty. She smiled and waved back, mouthing that she would see me on Thursday, Kitty’s next day in daycare.
I took my daughter’s hand in mine, and we began the walk home. I had a car, but I tried not to drive it too much in the city, especially if I had Kitty with me. City drivers could be pretty intense, and I didn’t want to risk something happening. That might have just been my own caution from the past, though, after my own accident. I knew how quickly and easily things could happen and the longstanding damage that could result in just a few seconds of bad decisions.
As Kitty told me all about her day in daycare, I couldn’t concentrate. I made the right noises as she spoke, but my mind was stuck on Leon. I didn’t know how I felt after seeing him. It had been so long and I couldn’t tell how he felt about seeing me, either.
I had put him behind me after everything. I had to. There was no other choice. And it was hard getting over him. I remembered him telling me that he loved me and that I was his mate, and at the time, it scared me. It wasn’t until later that I realized that I loved him too. It was so soon and so fast and so hard that I didn’t know what hit me, only that I loved him too.
But if he loved me, he never came looking for me. I hadn’t realized what it meant to be a shifter’s mate at the time. Hell, I’d only just learned about shifters at the time. But as the years went on, I learned that it was something bigger than I could have thought, that it was like a predetermined destiny. And if I was his destiny, then why hadn’t he come looking for me?
And so I left him behind. Along with the accident, I left him behind. I had to. I had a daughter to think about. She was all that mattered and the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.
So why couldn’t I stop thinking about him?
Part of me was upset at myself for telling him I wanted to catch up. I shouldn’t have. I was just going to make things more complicated for myself and for Kitty, and neither of us needed that. Not when we were trying to start our lives over. But I needed to tell him. She did need to meet him. After all, Leon was Kitty’s father. He deserved to know she existed. And she deserved to have two parents in her life. It was one thing when I didn’t know if I’d ever see him again, but now I knew where he was, now I had a way of contacting him, and I owed it to her to try, didn’t I?
We turned the corner, the sun shining directly over us. I didn’t think I could ever get over how much I loved being in the sun. Kitty did too, she never seemed to burn, just grow a golden brown that matched her light brown eyes. It was like she was made to be in it.
I do need to call him, I decided. I had unanswered questions, and I did need to tell him about Kitty. Besides, I hadn’t been interested in love since him, and maybe the fact that we hadn’t had any closure was the reason why. This way, at least, I could be a grown up, I could put an end to whatever was there, and if he didn’t want to be a part of Kat’s life, then he didn’t have to be. But I would be free to move on to find someone who was to fill the role of my daughter’s father.
***
When I called Leon, I hadn’t expected to go out with him that night. It was a whirlwind of convincing an old bandmate of mine, Nina, in the city, to take Kat for the night (though truth be told, Nina didn’t need much convincing), and trying to get myself ready to meet up with Leon. It was going to be a late dinner with all that I needed to arrange, but a dinner nonetheless.
I answered the door in my robe, my hair twisted up in a towel, when Nina arrived to get Kat.
“Is that how you’re going on your date?” she asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking. “I suppose it cuts out a step.”
I rolled my eyes. “It’s not a date. It’s … a meeting.”
“This late at night?”
“It’s 7:30,” I said.
“And when’s he picking you up?”
“He’s not,” I said. “I’m meeting him there, I’m paying for the food, or at least my half, and I’m sticking to drinking iced tea.”
“You’re so hard core,” she smiled as I opened the door wider to let her into my apartment. “Hey there doll face!” Nina kneeled down and opened her arms wide as Kitty came in for a hug. She kissed her on the cheek before standing and taking her hand. “I’m dropping her off at …?”
“The school. She’s got kindergarten tomorrow.” I picked up her over-night bag and her little backpack and passed them to Nina before hugging Kitty. “I’ll see you tomorrow after school, okay?”
She nodded and smiled
before I kissed the top of her head. “Thanks again for this,” I said.
“Just tell me how it goes if you get l-a-i-d,” she said, winking.
“What are you, in high school?” I asked, rolling my eyes and closing the door behind them.
Left alone in the silence of my apartment, I was stuck on the same quandary that had been rotating through my mind before Nina arrived: what the hell was I supposed to wear? I had told myself on repeat that this wasn’t a date, and yet there was a small part of me that wanted it to be a date.
I hit the play button on my mp3 player and tried to let the sounds of Jimmy Hendrix, Led Zeppelin, Rush, and AC/DC guide my dressing choice. But they didn’t. All they succeeded in doing was sending me back to memory lane, to the night that I met Leon.
He had been so distracting. I couldn’t stop staring at him. It was like he was the only one in the crowd who saw me, and he was the only one that I could see. I felt like I was singing just for him. Then after our set, as soon as we pulled all our gear off the stage, he was there, asking me for a drink.
There was something about those eyes of his, that black mane of hair, and his half smile that I just couldn’t say no to. I stayed in the bar with him until kick-out, went back to his place with him, where he showed me the music he had been classically trained to sing. I was all about the old school rock, but he had a voice that I had no idea a man could possess. What he was doing there in Northern California instead of Carnegie Hall was beyond me.
But that was it. I was hooked on him after that. It all went downhill from there. Or uphill. I didn’t really know, and still didn’t.
Damnit. I didn’t want to be thinking about that time. Not when it was such a good time. Those times were lost, and I needed to, I had to let them go.
I found myself in an off-the-shoulder black shirt and some dark blue bootcut jeans, a pair of silver, dangling earrings, and letting my shoulder length hair loose. It was nice but casual, the kind of thing I could get away with wearing no matter the occasion. I ruffled my hair, trying to tease it up and give its layers more body before I zipped up some black leather boots over my jeans.
I glanced at the clock. I was late. I grabbed my keys off my dresser and stuffed them in my purse before grabbing my little black jacket that basically only served as a cover for my arms, adorned in little silver buckles, and went for the door.
I pulled it open and yelped, jumping back.
There was a man on my door.
A devastatingly handsome man.
“Damnit, Leon,” I said, my hand going to my chest. “You scared the bejesus out of me.”
He chuckled. “Bejesus? That’s the word you chose?”
He leaned on my door frame, like he had been hanging out there all night, his thick hair surrounding his face like a mane, and a smirk on his face. His black shirt was tucked into his jeans, and his hands were stuffed in his pockets as his dark eyes watched me struggle to regain my composure.
It was like seeing him in that bar all over again. I had watched him during my whole performance. And there he was again, though this time on my doorstep, and I was powerless to take my eyes off him.
“What are you doing here?” I finally managed to ask.
“That’s twice now,” he said. “Today. Is that how you greet people these days?”
I grunted, shaking my head. “No. I mean, I was supposed to meet you at the restaurant.”
“I know,” he said. “I thought I would pick you up. I didn’t make sense for two of us to drive.”
I didn’t want to tell him that I wasn’t going to get in the car with him. I didn’t know how to say that these days, the only drivers I trusted were myself and my parents. No taxi drivers, no friends, just me, my mom, or my dad.
I was struggling to tell him that no, I was going to drive. I could only think of one thing.
“How the hell did you know where I lived?” I asked. The other question that I wanted to ask was if he could find out where I lived now, why couldn’t he have done it years ago? But I didn’t. I left it at the more immediate question.
“I’m a part of the ops,” he said. “I have access to that kind of information.”
I blinked, unable to make my mouth work as it opened and closed. He used government resources to find out where I lived so he could pick me up? What kind of abuse of resources was that? It almost felt disgusting.
Then he chuckled. “I’m kidding,” he said. “You’re listed in the white pages.”
I closed my eyes and let out an amused grunt before I giggled. “Oh. Of course I am. I forgot about that.”
I felt myself waffle back and forth between feeling like I needed to take control of the night and be stern, to wanting to giggle and blush like a school girl. What was wrong with me? How was it that I felt drunk on this guy when all he had done was show up on my doorstep?
I was going to struggle through the night. That much I knew.
The smile from his chuckle faded, and it seemed like perhaps he, too, was indulging in the same oscillating I was. Though I couldn’t quite tell, I thought I saw a twinge of hurt in him.
Chapter 5 – Leon
I had to lean on the door frame. There was no way I could have remained standing at the sight of Justine Justice Wilson in that top, those jeans, and with that dark rocker eyeliner and those light lips. She had caught me off guard at the office earlier that day, but now she was there, looking just as hot and beautiful as she was the day I met her.
I kept my hands stuffed in my pockets and pressed my shoulder against that doorframe because if I didn’t, then I was going to lean forward and kiss her and remind her of how much I loved her and how much that fire for her still burned in me.
But could I do that? After so much time had passed, after it had been so long since we had seen each other, I had no right, did I? Hell, I didn’t even know if she was with someone else. But if she was, then why would she make herself look so good for me? Old times sake?
As much as I wanted her to have been dressed up for me, I was still hurting. The fact that she just disappeared and let me think she was dead all these years was atrocious, and I didn’t know that I could forgive her for that. Could I? Could someone turn their back on their mate?
I agreed to meet up with her because when she called, it wasn’t me who was in charge of myself. It was my lion. Whenever I was in my lion form, I had some control over what my lion did, unless I completely let go, but even then, I was always present. But in this bizarre instance, my lion took hold of my body, my language, all of it. It made me answer, tell her that yes, I would meet her for dinner.
Now that I was there, my lion almost completely left me on my own to fend for myself. I had to figure out how to navigate the hurt she had inflicted on me that was at odds with my draw to her.
I needed to rein in my attraction and want for her. Too much had changed since the last time I saw her. Aside from her abandoning me without a word, I had dedicated my life to never finding my mate. I had dedicated my life to my work, and I didn’t need anything more than that. That was the truth. Just because Justine showed up in my life again didn’t mean I could drop everything for her.
We stood there, me in the door and Justine staring back at me, and I was unable to say anything. I had made my witty joke about the phone book. Now what?
I realized that I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be in public, not with her, not on my own. I just wanted to go to my apartment, take a hot shower, forget everything, and start the next day. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that I changed my mind, that this wasn’t a good idea.
Yet …
I wanted to know why she wanted to meet up with me. I didn’t know if she was wanting to rekindle things or if she just wanted to be friends. I didn’t know if she had something to tell me or what it was that she wanted. As far as I knew, it was just to talk about our mutual client. The curiosity of it was what kept me from bailing right then and there.
I rubbed the back of my
neck. “So,” I said, “I actually feel kind of bad. I’m pretty wiped from the day, and I think maybe getting some coffee or something might be better than going for dinner.”
“Oh,” she said. “I had reservations … it doesn’t matter.”
My body then betrayed me, letting out an unmissable, loud yowl of hunger, drawing out every grumble it had in it, for what felt like several long minutes, to my complete embarrassment.
“You’re sure about coffee?” Justine asked, cocking an eyebrow and suppressing a smile.
I winced. She caught me out. I hadn’t eaten all day. I had felt too sick after seeing her in that office, and instead of going home, I hit the gym, trying to work out my head through my sweat. Now my body wanted to pay up on the calories I robbed from it, both in thinking and physical exertion.
“I guess maybe we should get some food,” I gave in.
“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “Let’s just stay here. I’ll order in a couple of pizzas, and it can be chill. I don’t have anything really to drink in the fridge other than diet soda and Kool-Aid though.”
I chuckled. “Sounds like a plan.”
“Great.” She turned and slapped the back of the couch that faced an electric fireplace with a television above it, mounted on the wall. She had fairy lights lining the ceiling, which was the only light in her living room. She pulled her phone from her purse. “You take a seat, relax, tell me what drink you want, and I’ll get the pizzas on the go and cancel the reservations while I’m at it.”
“Water’s fine for me,” I said, taking a seat on the couch. It was comfortable, and it smelled like Justine. I leaned my head back, looking over the string of lights with little stars over the bulbs. They were white stars with pink, glittery centers. They didn’t really seem like Justine’s style, but what did I know any more?