“I’m okay. I promise. Well, I wasn’t, but now I am,” Bailey said.
“You actually sound like you’re doing good. What gives, girl?” CJ asked.
“It’s the strangest thing. When it happened I was devastated. I really thought I would be comatose for weeks, but two days later someone else came into my life unexpectedly. The best part is, you know that incredible feeling when you are first falling for someone? I have been feeling that, and it trumped my breakup sadness. Between the breakup and this new person, I am one raw emotional nerve these days, though, and completely inappropriate too. I bawled my eyes out yesterday when the Starbucks guy put regular milk in my latte instead of soy. I’ve become a total nut job,” Bailey said.
“Okay, so when do we meet this amazing new guy?” CJ demanded.
“Well, that’s the surprising thing….” Bailey hesitated and was interrupted by an overly caffeinated Coco.
“Surprising? Why surprising?” Coco asked suspiciously.
“Because it happened so fast, I’m sure,” Olivia said.
“Well, I guess it’s the timing too, but the bigger surprise is that she’s a she,” Bailey said and then waited for a reaction.
They all just sat there and stared at her.
CJ spoke first. “Let me get this straight. You no longer are?”
“One minute you’re moving in with Graham Shore and the next you’re a lesbian?” Coco said sarcastically. “Oh, honey, you must be very upset. This is all a little hasty.”
“I’m not a lesbian. Nothing’s actually happened. Gertie and I have just been spending an incredible amount of time together. We have this really intense connection. Something I’ve never experienced before,” Bailey said.
“A girl named Gertie? Like Gertie Whitmore?” Olivia said.
“Exactly like Gertie Whitmore,” Bailey said as she gave them a knowing look.
“Oh, my god, you’re fucking Gertie Whitmore?” CJ exclaimed.
“Shh! I’m not fucking her! Nothing’s really happened. I’m just…. attracted to her,” Bailey said, smiling.
“Attracted?” Coco asked.
“Yeah, it’s a bit confusing for me,” Bailey said as she looked at the table of gaping mouths.
Olivia turned to CJ. “So what is she?”
“I’m gay, so I’m the expert?” CJ said.
“Well, yeah. More than anyone at this table at least,” Olivia replied.
“Slow down, you guys. She isn’t a lesbian and neither am I. We’re just exploring a friendship right now,” Bailey said.
“Okay, sure. Well, I can tell you this,” CJ said. “Female sexuality is fluid. They call it ‘flexisexual’ these days. So it isn’t so unusual for a woman to all of a sudden be attracted to another woman. It’s why you’ll see a woman who has been with a man for years up and leave him for another woman,” CJ said.
“I’m not rushing into anything. It just feels right for now,” Bailey said. “We’ve been inseparable all week, and she is just amazing. She is really involved with charity work. She’s been to Kenya twice with the World Food Programme. I’m in awe. I can’t wait for you guys to meet her.”
“You sound smitten,” Coco said. “Good for you, sweetheart. Love’s love. It’s all good.”
“So, you and Gertie Whitmore.” Olivia was still in shock.
“Never mind all that. I think our bigger issue now is getting Malcolm and Saul to talk to Detective Casey and…. Oh, god, did you tell Gertie Whitmore?” Coco asked.
“No way!”
“Okay, good, let’s keep it on a need-to-know basis. You have to call Saul,” Coco said to Bailey.
“I’m seeing him Monday.”
“Not good enough. Call him now,” Coco insisted.
“Yes, you must. I’m going to get a Nelly again, and it’s going to ruin my weekend! I have to know what he needs to tell you. Please, do it for the children,” CJ said.
“What children?” Coco asked. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I don’t know. People are always doing things for ‘the children.’ She’s a Hollywood type, so maybe it will motivate her.”
“Stop it. You two are pathetic. I’ll call him, sheesh,” Bailey conceded.
Normally Bailey wouldn’t bother a co-worker on a Saturday, but Saul was always on the job. He told her that after some digging and calling in a few favors, he had a cell phone number that he believed belonged to Blackbeard, the one at the center of the Chief Bruno mystery. He had learned that someone had ratted out almost the entire Kennebunkport government, and everyone went to jail, everyone, including, apparently, Chief Bruno. But Blackbeard was still out there, and the mayor must’ve known about it. Saul was sure this was what the mayor had over the chief of police. He suspected, in fact, that the mayor was Blackbeard. Or maybe Bruno was. He was still working on it.
As Bailey listened to Saul tell her this story, the other three could see on her face that it was juicy. When Bailey got off the phone, she explained that it might be the mayor, and not Bruno, who was Blackbeard. Knowing that they were getting similar information from two sources, they realized they might be close to an answer. They felt a bit of hope that they had a shot at justice for whoever that poor girl rolled up in the rug was. They agreed to call Detective Casey immediately to tell him what Bailey had just learned. Casey, paranoid their phones could have been bugged, insisted they meet him in a parking lot, the municipal lot behind Tiffany’s off Lewis Street. Of course they knew where that was.
Olivia, who hadn’t really spoken since she heard the news about Bailey’s impending lesbianism, perked up when she heard they would be meeting with Rob.
Coco pulled her aside on the way out. “Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked.
“I’ve never had a gay friend before, and now I have one of each,” Olivia said.
“This isn’t a state quarter collection, hon.”
When they arrived at Detective Casey’s meeting spot, he was dressed as he had been at the party: bad suit jacket, terrible shoes, but very cool Wayfarers.
“Well, at least his shades are trendy,” CJ said snidely. “But I wonder if he’s just had the same pair since the eighties. What goes around comes around…. except the rest of that getup.”
“Stop it, you snot,” Bailey scolded. Fortunately, she was the only one who’d heard.
When Olivia saw him again, she thought that he was incredibly handsome, maybe even more than the last time she saw him, and she bolted out of CJ’s car the moment it stopped.
“Way to keep your cool, girl,” CJ yelled after her.
But Olivia just ignored him and ran up to Rob, unsure if she should kiss him hello or shake his hand. She may not have known how to act, but she knew she was extremely happy to see him. Rob leaned in for an it’s-in-front-of-an-audience-but-I-like-you hug-kiss combo.
“I could never get away with that,” Coco said, referring to Olivia’s blatant tail wagging.
“Me neither, it reads too desperate from me,” Bailey said.
“She can pull it off,” CJ replied. “She has that small- fragile-kitten thing going on.”
When Coco caught up to Detective Casey and his retro sunglasses, she had a vision that it was 1950 and Olivia was a bobby-soxer, ogling the dreamboat captain of the football team. She suspected he had the same vision as she noticed him trying not to be distracted by Olivia’s gaze, yet leaning in slightly to smell her perfume.
“Tell me what you’ve got.” Casey directed this statement to Bailey, staring at Olivia all the while.
Bailey told the detective everything she had heard from Saul, then handed him a piece of paper with the mysterious Blackbeard’s alleged cell phone number scrawled on it.
“What are you going to do with it?” Coco wanted to know.
“I’m not sure yet. We’ll see what happens,” Casey said, as noncommittal as a detective should be to interlopers.
“We have some more information for you. It’s about those envelopes,” CJ said.
/> “Great, let’s hear it,” Detective Casey said in his best FBI voice.
“You told Olivia that the DNA on the seals of those envelopes belonged to Malcolm Marconi, is that right?” CJ said.
“Yes.”
“And the way you matched it to him was that all government employees have their DNA, fingerprints, all of that crap on file, is that right?” CJ said.
“Yes.”
“I just want to make sure that’s how you know, and that Malcolm doesn’t have a criminal record,” CJ said.
“Even if he did, I couldn’t disclose that information to you,” Detective Casey said.
“Don’t worry, I’ll ask him myself,” CJ replied insolently.
“So, I take it you know him? Did you ask him about the envelopes?”
“I did, and he said that he had no idea why the mayor wanted him to gather that information on all of us. He was told that we were the corrupt ones and that it was some great heroic gesture on the mayor’s part. But I set him straight.”
“He knows the mayor was trying to blackmail you? How do you know he’s loyal to you?”
“Oh, I know, trust me. I’m a thousand percent certain he’s on our side. Here,” CJ said as he reached into his man purse and handed Detective Casey copies of all of the original documents the mayor had made as well as the ones he’d doctored.
“Impressive,” said Casey as he looked over the documents, which were encased in plastic. “Should I ask what you had to do to get these, or should I just be happy you did?”
“The second one,” CJ said, giving a knowing smile. “Unless you want a demonstration, hot stuff.”
“Some other time.”
“Hang on a second. Are all of our papers in there? Mine too?” Coco asked.
“Yeah, this is everything,” CJ said.
“You didn’t tell me you got my stuff too,” Coco said as she ripped the documents from Detective Casey’s hands and furiously thumbed through them until she got to the ones with Sam’s name on them.
“That asshole!” she screamed.
“Who’s the asshole? What’s wrong?” CJ asked.
“These were totally changed. I knew Sam had no idea that his partners were doing any of this. That asshole changed all of the dates. Here’s the original!” she said as she held a piece of paper two inches from CJ’s face.
He backed up a bit. “Yeah, that’s what forgery is. It’s a crime, Mary. So’s blackmail. This is just another to add to the list.”
“I just wanted to see for myself. I’m going to have to tell Sam. He thinks I don’t believe him. I mean, I did believe him…. but on some level I wasn’t exactly sure. Oh, god. I feel horrible,” Coco said.
“Oh no, no. You can’t tell him yet! The fewer people who know, the better. Give it another day or two. Please.” Detective Casey was practically begging.
“Okay, okay.” Coco understood his point. A day or two wouldn’t matter in the long run as far as Sam was concerned. The detective needed to crack this.
“So is that it?” Bailey said.
“That’s all we have for now,” Casey said. “Leave the rest up to me. Olivia, I think you and I need to take these to your attorney so you can get your mother’s case against you dismissed.”
“Thank you, Rob.” Olivia’s big saucer eyes were moist as she looked up at him. “You saved my house. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“And your hideously purple room.” He smiled.
“Yes, and my hideous purple room.” She laughed.
CJ, Bailey, and Coco looked at each other quizzically.
As they said their good-byes and turned to walk away, Olivia felt sad that this meet-up with Rob had been socially fruitless, especially after she’d bought new date clothes and everything. But just as she had lost hope, she felt a hand grab her arm. It was Rob. He leaned in and whispered in her ear, “How about dinner at Lupe’s tomorrow night?”
“I have the perfect dress,” she replied in her most demure tone.
“That’s a yes, right?” he said.
“Yes, it’s a yes,” Olivia said as she was whisked away by CJ.
“Pick you up at eight,” Rob shouted to the back of her head. She waved.
“Honey, you really have to play it cooler than that.” CJ sighed.
“Why? If he’s my soul mate, it will just work out. The right guy is the right guy, and you can’t screw that up,” Olivia said.
“Oh, honey, what turnip truck did you fall off of? Back in the eighties I would have six soul mates a night, girl. It’s about who wants to be honest and stick it out, who wants to be around long enough. Take it from me, it’s who you can learn to disagree with, argue with, go through it all with. Life is full of bullshit. Your partner in life isn’t perfect. You take the good with the bad, sweetie, and that’s my advice as far as the gay crow flies,” CJ chirped.
“Coco, what do you think?” Olivia asked her.
“You wanna know what I think?” Bailey interrupted. “Love is like an amusement park. You can get on either the teacup ride or the megamonster roller coaster. But if you choose the coaster, you’d better hold on for dear life, because if you fall off there’s a whole line of women behind you waiting to get on.”
“Uh, thanks. Coco?” Olivia said.
“Well,” she began, “the way I see it, relationships aren’t just about always having a date on a Saturday night, getting laid, and not being alone on your birthday. They’re also about waiting for the person to get ready when you’re in a hurry; doing the dishes when he’s cooked; dealing with his friends or your parents; having a fat day or a bad hair day, or just waiting for you to pick the right tomato at the supermarket. It’s more than just the good stuff at the beginning. You have to be ready for all of it.”
“I think I am,” Olivia said.
“Just be sure he is,” Bailey said.
“My best piece of advice? Take out your wisdom teeth and your back molars. Make room, girl,” CJ said.
“Jesus. You are vile, ” Coco said as she smacked him.
Eighteen
And the Dogs Came Running
Coco came home with a peace offering. She knew that her sex talk with Sam was a fantastic start, particularly since he had agreed to go along with whatever she wanted to try. But she also knew that she needed to keep talking, to open up more; she worried that keeping him in the dark about what the four friends saw on Halloween night would only keep them at a stalemate, yet she had promised Detective Casey that mouths would stay closed for now. So she went with what worked with dissatisfied customers when shipments were late: bribery.
Into the house she waltzed, overflowing with big bags of McDonald’s. For her, nothing fast was really food, but it was Sam’s favorite indulgence; she knew it was what he secretly ate while she was away on business trips. He did a shitty job at hiding the wrappers. So she showed up with tons of the stuff. That’s how bribery works.
“Hello, it’s your McWife. I’m McHome!” she chirped.
Sam walked in from the living room, where he’d been fully engrossed in a repeat of the World Series of Poker finals. He didn’t really play poker, except for occasionally on his iPad, but for some reason he enjoyed watching it. It was the ultimate in no-risk gambling.
“I wasn’t expecting you. What’s all this?” Sam said.
“Now don’t play coy with me, I know that you, Mayor McCheese, Grimace, and the McNugget Buddies have regular orgies while I’m away,” she joked.
“Thank you. That’s a nice treat, but I feel totally outed now. How can I enjoy it anymore if it’s not a secret?” Sam asked as he dug into the fries.
“And that’s not all. Say hello to a couple of our mutual friends, Monsieurs Ben et Jerry,” she said as she held up Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby.
“Is this your passive-aggressive way of telling me I’m fat?” he scoffed.
“No, it’s not, silly boy,” she said as she ruffled his hair. “It’s just my way of saying I’m sorry for
being such a McShit lately. And to tell you that I really do love you.”
“So you’re finally going to tell me what’s been going on?”
“Well, I can’t. Really. Give me a few more days.”
“A few more days? What is so secretive and so important that you can’t share it with me!” Sam was starting to get upset.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“Of course you are. You always are. But that’s not good enough. If we’re to be husband and wife, you’re going to have to start trusting me with everything; otherwise this is never going to work.” Sam was finally losing his cool, double cheeseburger or no. “So are you going to tell me or not?”
“Not. I’m really sor——” she started to say it again.
“Don’t! Just don’t say another fucking word. Good-bye, Coco. You call me when you figure this out, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be there. But I doubt it,” he said as he stormed out the door sans Big Mac.
Coco sat there for a second in disbelief. Had Sam really just walked out? What the hell was she doing? In an effort to protect him she’d sacrificed him. It no longer made sense. She knew who was to blame. Not her, not Sam. No, it was that goddamned mayor—Quilty, not McCheese. She picked up the container of fries and threw them against the wall. The dogs, who’d been cowering from all the yelling, were elated. They hadn’t had McDonald’s in a while either.
Later, as Coco drove to Olivia’s house, it all began to sink in. She was almost in hysterics by the time she got to the door. Neither Detective Casey—who’d stopped by—nor Olivia could console her.
“Just a few months ago everything was great, all was right in my world. My career was going well, my life with Sam was good, and our relationship was stable. Sure, his business had collapsed, but I was making more than enough money; we were going to be just fine. Yet now, ever since that stupid goddamned party…. I wasn’t even going to go. Rory insisted because of that scarf woman and the rumors of my death. Argh!” She was exasperated.
“Have a tissue,” Olivia said as she held out a box of Puffs.
Coco hardly noticed but took one anyway. “No, no, I didn’t ask to witness a murder. Why did he have to do that, the asshole? Why did we have to go over there? This was all inflicted on us. He’s the one who killed someone, and we’re paying the price. Besides that poor girl, of course. Damn it! I can’t, I can’t…. I simply cannot do this anymore. He’s going to pay for what he did. I’m not sitting idly by waiting for you to gather evidence against him,” she said as she pushed Detective Casey in the chest, sending him back a foot or two.
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