Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  I folded my hands together and started crying even before I could say two words. “I’m sorry. It’s harder than I thought.”

  He reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. “You sure you want to do this? I’m ain’t goin’ anywhere, Katy. I can wait until you’re able to do it.”

  “No,” I shook my head. “I have to.”

  Bobby waited for me to get myself together. “Baby, just breathe.”

  I took a few deep breaths and looked right at him. “I told you the story about how my parents died and I had to go live with the Valentines. You know I was engaged to Branch and on the night before my wedding I slept with Brooks, and that was the reason that I left town and everyone behind. I couldn’t take the embarrassment of what I’d done. I couldn’t look them in the eyes, so I ran.”

  “I remember you tellin’ me.”

  “And then you remember when we met I told you that I wasn’t ready to move on, because my heart was broken?”

  He pulled away and held up the palms of his hands. “That, my dear, is somethin’ I wouldn’t forget. It’s been hard knowing you’d never feel that way about me. Hell, I think it sent me over the edge several times. I never meant to hurt you, Katy. You have to know that.”

  “Yeah, I do. Anyway, I swear to you that I never spoke to Brooks since the night before my wedding. He was in Afghanistan, and I was here with you. Then I got pregnant and we got married. I suppose if I was given the chance, I would have tried to reach out to him, but I never had the nerve, at least not until a few months ago. You see, I felt like things were going good and enough time had passed to ask him for closure. After getting his address from my old friend, I sent him one letter, asking exactly for that. I just wanted him to somehow tell me to move on, so that you and I could move forward. I didn’t know he would write me back. Not only did he tell me he’d never given up on me, but he talked about seeing me again someday.”

  I waited for Bobby to yell or scream. He ran his hands over his face a couple times and tightened his lips, but didn’t say a word.

  “Bobby, the letters continued. We wrote to each other almost every day until they just stopped.” I started crying again. “I think that’s when I knew he was gone.”

  I sat there with my face covered sobbing. I could hear him opening the box and unfolding one the pieces of paper. The room got quiet and finally I looked up to see him reading it. I didn’t know which letter it was, or what it said exactly, not that it mattered. Bobby was getting the full truth, because he deserved it. I couldn’t live with the lie when he was offering me comfort without question. He needed to know that Brooks was my weakness, no matter what it did to our marriage.

  Letter after letter, he read them, sitting there across from me in silence, until he was finished. He sat the last one down and looked at me with tears in his own eyes. “Katy, he never mentioned B.”

  I shook my head and sobbed more. “Because I never told him.”

  His concerned face turned to shock and all of the sudden it was like a light switch had gone off in his head. “Why would you do that?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was scared of how he would react. I was scared of what it would do to you and your relationship with her.”

  A tear fell down his face. “You thought about me?”

  “Of course I did. Just because I have feelings for Brooks doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Bobby.”

  He covered his face again and I prepared for him to lash out. “I just have one question for you.”

  “Okay. Just ask.” I was still sobbing, but I was calm enough to hear what he was saying to me.

  I watched as he wiped his eyes and looked right into mine. “I’m real sorry to ask you this right now, but I think considerin’ all you’ve told me, I have the right to ask.” He sniffled and played with his wedding ring as he spoke. “What happens now? What happens with us?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What I want to know is, after all that’s happened it’s clear he was what was standing in the way of us being happy. Now what happens? Do I get another chance? Can we rebuild all that’s been broken, or is this your way of sayin’ goodbye to me to? Because, I’m tellin’ you right now, I’ve been patient and understandin’. I’ve sat here listening to you tell me you loved someone else. I read that man’s letters to you. All I can tell you is that I want what he had. I want to feel that love and what it could do for us.”

  Bobby was right. As much as it hurt to admit, I’d strewn him along and pretty much used him, knowing all along that if Brooks showed up one day, nothing would stop me from being with him.

  I hadn’t been fair.

  The thing was, at that very moment, I needed Bobby. I needed him more than ever before. It wasn’t just about me either. Bobby was the only father B would ever know. I owed it to her to give things a second chance; to start over, even if it was because my first choice was gone forever.

  “I never realized how important you were until all of this happened. I don’t expect you to understand, but I need you.”

  Bobby crossed his arms and looked right at me. “You need me? Since when?”

  “Since right now. Does it really matter what circumstances made me say it?”

  He finally smiled. “No, you’re right. It doesn’t matter. What matters is me being in that little girl’s life. She’s my world, Katy, and so are you.”

  I could feel my lips trembling. “I know.”

  He reached over and touched the top of my hand. “I love you.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling that love radiate through me; the love that Bobby had always wanted to give me. Without regard for what I was doing, or even if it was the truth, I looked right at him. “I love you, too.”

  I’d never love Bobby the way that I loved Brooks, but I loved him for loving me and B. I loved him for putting all of his feelings aside to comfort me when I lost the other man in my life. It took courage and understanding and not every man would have been able to do it. Bobby had showed me compassion and now it was my turn to stop holding onto something that would never be and move forward with what already was.

  I owed him a lot and I vowed right then and there that I was going to do everything in my power to be a better partner to him and to our family.

  In my eyes we were even.

  Chapter 24

  May 2013

  There was one thing good about my situation. The more I focused on my marriage, the less I dwelled on things I couldn’t change, like losing Brooks.

  Bobby and I were still seeing a counselor, except we’d been going together to help our marriage move in the right direction.

  Since I’d destroyed my cell phone and never wanted to hear from Melissa or anyone else again, I decided to get a new phone with a new number. My life had enough drama and I just needed to stay focused.

  It was amazing how much a difference it made in my relationship when I gave it my all. I’d never been able to communicate with Bobby the way we were, and to make things even better, he was getting around with the help of a walker. He’d been going into the shop a few days a week to make calls and do some backed-up paperwork. I spent those days visiting Sarah, grocery shopping and spending quality alone time with B. I can’t say it was easy looking into her blue eyes and seeing so much of Brooks there. When she smiled, it melted my heart and I knew she was the greatest gift he could have ever given me.

  It was in the middle of the week when I started noticing an unfamiliar truck parked outside of my house. The first day I just figured it was someone from the permit office doing a double check on the property.

  The next day, when Bobby noticed the same truck, I started to get nervous. After we’d both agreed that we didn’t recognize the vehicle, we called the sheriff, feeling as if we were being scoped out for a robbery.

  As a favor to Bobby, he parked on the road and waited for the conspicuous truck to show up.

  It never did.

  A week went by and we didn’t see it
again.

  Bobby had made a commitment to service all of the school buses in the area for their annual inspection and it required him to be present to sign off on each job. I knew he was going to be gone the whole week during the day, so after dropping him off at work that Monday, B and I went into town to do some shopping.

  I’d wanted new things for the house and hadn’t had time to really go out and shop. We headed to a bigger town, called Columbia, where there were malls and larger stores to shop at.

  I hadn’t thought about it being extremely close to the Army base.

  Everywhere I drove, and each store I entered, I saw people wearing fatigues. As a direct response to it, I would lose it, thinking of Brooks and how I’d never see him again. I ended up spending the majority of the day sitting in the car with B, crying my eyes out.

  On the way home, we were sitting at a light and a group of soldiers pulled up in an open camouflaged jeep. My windows were down and I was trying to avoid eye contact. I didn’t notice if they were waving to her, but in the rear view mirror I could see her waving to them, full of smiles.

  When the light changed to green I started driving. They were still beside me and she was waving up a storm. I reached back and touched her little foot. “B, your daddy was a soldier. One day, I’ll tell you all about him.”

  We kept driving until finally we were on the open road with no vehicles near us. Out of nowhere, B started saying the word, ‘daddy’, over and over again. My stomach dropped as she continued to repeat it. By the time we’d made it to Bobby’s shop, she’d fallen asleep, but the damage had been done to my heart.

  He climbed in the car and immediately knew that I’d had a terrible day. After leaning over to kiss me, he let his lips linger near my ear. “What’s wrong, baby?”

  I grabbed his hand and nestled my face against his. “I just want to go home, put on some pajamas and lay with you, if that’s alright?”

  He kissed me slowly, making sure I knew he was perfectly alright with holding me for as long as I needed it. Out of nowhere, things started to heat up in the front seat. Bobby had his hand down my pants and had started massaging my sex while our tongues mingled together. I was desperate for his affections to heal my heart and was ready to climb on top of him and make it happen.

  Then B woke up. “Mama. Dada.”

  We stopped and looked back at her sitting there, smiling. Bobby gave her all of his attention. “There’s my girl. Did you have a good nap?”

  “Out!” She was done being in her car seat and I knew it was time to get home.

  It was weird pulling on our road and seeing the truck sitting there again. Bobby seemed alarmed, but as we approached, it pulled away. Bobby got a license plate number and called the sheriff again. As nervous as I was about it, I stayed focused on finishing what we’d started in the car.

  We worked together, playing with B until she was exhausted and out cold for the night.

  Bobby led me into our bedroom and pulled my shirt over my head. He was doing well standing up, but couldn’t do it without help for a long period of time. One of his legs was almost fully healed, while the other was still in pretty bad shape.

  I looked into his eyes and pulled off his shirt. “Make love to me.”

  He kissed me, sucking on my bottom lip before pulling away. “I love when we’re like this, Katy. I feel like, after all this time, I finally have you.”

  I pushed him until he sat down on the bed. My pants and underwear came off next, and I climbed on top of him. “You do.”

  That was all he needed to hear. After removing his pants we got under the covers. Bobby took his time, kissing me in all the right places, while holding both of my hands. I savored his kisses and the way our hands fit together. Giving myself to Bobby was easy when it was what I wanted. It had taken me a long time to do it, but since I had, I’d discovered that he wasn’t just a wonderful lover. Bobby was an emotional lover, and the more he received himself, the more he gave back. I could feel his love with every kiss and absorbed it into my body as if it were giving me strength to move on.

  He let go of me so that his hands could trace over my skin. With every slip of his hand, my breathing increased. He thumbed my nipples and flicked them with his tongue, causing me to gasp. I was so hot for him and wanted him inside of me, giving me everything he had to offer.

  When I knew he was starting to hurt, we switched positions, with me on top. I sat up and released my hair-tie, letting my long strands fall down over my nipples. Bobby licked his lips, watching me run one hand between them. He positioned himself and entered me slowly, never taking his sexy eyes off of me. We moved in sync, enjoying the feelings that being intimate gave us.

  After some time, we lay there naked next to each other. He played with my hair while kissing on my hand. “Katy, can I ask you somethin’?”

  I nodded and smiled, while running my hand through his thick, dark hair. “Anything.”

  “Have a baby with me, darlin’. Let’s give B a sister or brother. I love her as if she were my own, but nothin’ would make me more happy than to have another one.”

  It was one thing that we’d never talked about. I considered the idea for only a few seconds before knowing what my answer would be. After placing a long kiss on his lips, I pulled away and looked him right in the eyes. “Okay.”

  Bobby’s smile let me know he was thrilled. “Really? You’d have a baby with me?”

  I shoved him playfully. “You’re my husband. We’ve been through Hell and back. I get that it hasn’t been easy being married to me. Things are different now. I can’t live in the past and expect to be happy.”

  “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy. I know I never told you this, but I knew the first time I met you that you were somethin’ special. After what I’ve done, I never would have expected you to let me back into your life. I get that you did it because I got hurt. No matter what it was, I’m grateful, Katy. You and B give me all I could ever need.”

  I smiled, knowing that if I hadn’t had Bobby, I didn’t know where I’d be. “I’m not going anywhere, you know.”

  He pulled me close up against his chest. “Hearin’ that never gets old.”

  While playing with the small patch of hair on his chest I smiled, knowing that we had a chance at making a good life together. “Get used to it.”

  I knew a baby wouldn’t solve all of my problems, but we were in a good place and I wanted him to know it.

  Through our worst of times, Bobby had always done one thing right; being a father.

  B was the perfect example of how deep his love could go. I wasn’t making excuses for his violent side, but for some reason I could sympathize with why he felt like it had to go that far. After trying so hard to make me happy, I was basically shoving it in his face that I would never love him. It had to have hurt him intensely. How else would someone feel if the one person they loved unconditionally could never be true to them?

  Being in Bobby’s arms was so different than how it used to be. I felt safe and protected, how a wife should feel. I knew that being pregnant with his child would give him that one thing that he thought he’d never have with me.

  I wanted him to know I was fully vested in our family.

  Though my heart would always ache for Brooks and what we could have been, I had to believe that he was out there somewhere watching over me and B. Believing that was going to give me the strength to move on.

  The only thing standing in the way had been me and I was ready to accept that it was time.

  I had to.

  Chapter 25

  July 4th 2013

  Our town’s annual parade and celebration was in full swing. My almost two year old, B, swung a flag around in her hand as the first group of performers walked by in the parade.

  I knew he’d be miserable later, but Bobby was insistent on walking with just a cane.

  I scanned the crowd to try and find Sarah and Dave. Their daughter was going to be riding on the church float and th
ey went off to get a closer view so they could snap pictures.

  Bobby grabbed B and put her on his shoulders when the crowds got too heavy for her to see. Besides, I felt much better about her being in his arms than on the ground, where she could run off in a second.

  I had to say that two years had made a huge difference. I stood next to Bobby and felt proud of the life we had. Though I still wasn’t pregnant, I was hopeful that we would get good news before the year was over.

  B was getting a kick out of the attractions. She clapped and screamed in excitement as she watched, and when the horses came trotting through she started hopping on top of her father’s shoulders. I laughed and snapped a picture, loving the memories that we were making together.

  It was astounding how different my life was going with the help of a good therapist. I guess the reason it was working this time was because I wanted it to. Before, I was incapable of letting go. I wanted to have that piece of hope that I’d be with Brooks again. Now that I knew it would never happen, it had changed my whole outlook on life.

  Just like my parents, someone else that I’d loved was taken too early in their life. This time, I didn’t get a call saying goodbye, not that I think I would even want something like that. I don’t know what I would have done if I heard him in pain or suffering and I hated even imagining it.

  That was the thing that I talked about when I met with my doctor. I still had feelings, even though I was making baby steps at getting on with life.

  When people say out of sight out of mind, it isn’t always that easy. I still thought about Melissa and Branch. It wasn’t my business, but I wanted to know how and when they’d gotten together. I wanted to know what he’d done to gain her trust and earn her undying love. Most of all, I wanted to know when she knew she wanted him.

  The night before my nuptials, when all Hell had broken loose; she thought she was going to have Brooks. My thoughts now were that maybe she always had a thing for Branch. It was possible that they’d even messed around while we were a couple. It wasn’t like we were compatible. Branch was the worst lover that I’d ever been with, not that I had much to compare him to.