by Dean, Ali
I’ve kept the Beck details to a minimum. When we were dating, I said he was a senior, but didn’t explain he was twenty-five years old. I also told them he was a really good skateboarder, but didn’t mention he’s a world champion. They think I broke up with him because he was graduating and would be traveling for skateboarding. So, I was partly truthful.
My hand goes to my necklace and I twirl the pendants. “Yeah, I guess maybe I am sad, but I’ve been sad for two weeks straight now so it doesn’t really feel that different,” I admit. I don’t want to break Mom’s heart, but she knows I’m not myself, so I might as well talk to her about it.
“Well, Dr. Harrison gave me a list of therapists if your mood doesn’t improve. She says that managing those symptoms is really important.”
“I don’t really want to see a therapist, Mom.”
“Will you promise to get outside every day at least then?” she asks as she starts the car.
“Yeah, I can promise that.”
Mom pauses at the road out of the parking lot. “Did you still want to go to the library?”
“Sure, that was a good idea. I haven’t done much reading since the summer. Not reading for fun anyway.”
“Hopefully they won’t give you a headache,” Mom comments as she turns toward the library.
Right, that. So not only can’t I skateboard, but I can’t watch TV or read either. I’m so accustomed to being in pity party mode I barely realize I’m doing it. But then I think of what Zora would say, something like, “Well at least you can still have sex.” And Lucy adding, “As long as you’re just lying there and aren’t doing too much movement.” I smile to myself, and try to keep it plastered there even as I remember I won’t be having sex with anyone anytime soon.
Chapter Seven
Beck
She calls the third day of filming. Fortunately, I’m already in my room, having just gotten out of the shower.
“I’m sorry, I know you’re at the Shred Live house. Do you want to talk later, or…?”
I love how she just calls, doesn’t bother with texting. And wait, it’s her number calling me, so she could text now if she wanted.
“No, I’m in my room. They can’t film in here unless the door’s open. It’s locked, so we’re good.”
“Why’s it locked?” Before I can open my mouth to answer, she asks, “Are you alone?”
“Yeah, Jordan, I’m alone.” She isn’t really thinking I’ve moved on already, is she? “It’s only locked because I just got out of the shower. I’m not taking chances someone barges in here. There’s definitely some people on the show looking to do whatever they can to get air time.” I keep my voice low, not wanting to be overheard. My roommate, Romeo, went outside to start grilling for dinner as I was coming in to shower. He and I get along fine, but I don’t see us becoming close friends.
“Oh. That sucks, Beck. Moses is there at least, right? Anyone else you like?”
“I’m getting to know a few others who seem all right. But the whole thing’s weird. I feel like I need to keep my guard up.” God, it’s nice talking to her about something real. But then I remember what Griffin told me the day I started filming. My voice softens. “How are you, Jordan? Griff told me you’re not coming back this semester.”
“Yeah, I should have called you myself to tell you.”
“He said it was because of the concussion. The doctor didn’t think you were ready for classes?”
“She’s right. I didn’t even try to argue. I can’t read a chapter of a book without getting a really bad headache. She said it might take three months total before I’m ready and by then the semester will be halfway done.”
“I know everyone’s gonna miss you. But you’ll be back. What have you been up to then?” She can’t read a chapter in a book and can’t skateboard. All I want to do is give her a hug. And then try some other things to help her get her mind off missing out on everything. I barely even realize I’m moving my hand beneath my towel thinking way too hard about pleasuring Jordan.
“Just hanging with my parents. Even doing a little cooking. I’ve been spending time with Phoebe and Wyatt. I’m bored though and want to get a job.”
Feeling a little disgusted with myself for letting my mind and hand wander where they have, I get off the bed to find some boxers. “You need something to look forward to. By the time you’re recovered, I’ll be done filming. Maybe we can go on a trip together.” I don’t let myself think it through. She’s called me, twice now, and I haven’t reached out to her. That’s only because I had no way to contact her, but she knows where I stand. I need to keep making it clear I’m not going anywhere.
There’s a long pause, but I don’t regret putting it out there.
“Yeah, maybe.” She sounds thoughtful, and I hold on to that. “But Beck, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you out of my life. I really don’t. Even if I did, it wouldn’t be easy with your sisters and Griff and just, everything.” Thank fuck for that. I pull on a pair of shorts and run a towel over my wet head.
“Good, I don’t want you out of my life either. Tried that for like a week after we first met. Didn’t really like it.”
Sometimes I still feel a little uncomfortable remembering how young she is. It had me running the other way not so long ago. But she’s so much wiser than most grown-ass women, so much more self-aware, I don’t let myself dwell on it. Hell, she’s got her shit together more than I do. Most of the time. When it comes to us, I still can’t quite accept that ending it was the right thing to do. Even now, knowing she’s thousands of miles away and we won’t see each other for months, I still want to be together. Then maybe I could have stayed on the bed and we could have both enjoyed ourselves…
“But I don’t know how to be just friends. And I haven’t changed my mind about everything else. If anything, with my head all screwed up right now, I can’t handle competitions or social media or keeping us a secret, none of it.”
Not wanting to talk about us, at least not the way things are going, I go for a slight change in subject. “Griff said you’re okay with him making a statement on his social media?”
“Yeah, I got a new phone. Same number but I don’t want the old phone back. It’s got bad juju or something. There’s no social media on this new phone, so he needs to say something for me about the crash and why I’m not repping Brazen.”
“The truth seems to work this time, yeah?”
“Yeah, pretty much just saying I can’t skate right now while I recover, I’m home in Connecticut taking a semester off and I don’t want to do social media because screen time gives me headaches.”
“That should shut down the relationship talk.”
“Hope so.”
I don’t know if anyone’s kept her in the loop on that. Razzle, the one who sent the photo indicating she was following Jordan, is still active with her comments. Bubble seems to have lost interest, but there are plenty of others with unwanted opinions. I wouldn’t say it’s gotten worse since her crash, but considering there haven’t been any pictures of any of us together, it’s surprising people are still talking about it all. Hopefully Griff’s statement will get people to move on.
Sitting back down on my bed, I just want to hear her keep talking. About anything really, I don’t care.
“What are you doing right now?”
“I’m standing outside Phoebe and Wyatt’s apartment building.”
“Really? I figured you were at home, lying in bed. That’s kind of how I picture you all the time now.”
“Beck, are you flirting or are you referring to how bleak my life is these days?”
I laugh. “Definitely just referring to the picture you’ve painted me of your life. I’d rather be picturing you skateboarding.” Or naked, in my bed, but she doesn’t need to know that.
“My parents have been making me get out. Phoebe and Wyatt are about to start classes again. I promised everyone I’d go out with them tonight.”
“Everyone?”
<
br /> “Yeah, my parents and Phoebe and Wyatt. They make me go out and be social every day.”
I swallow down the emotion rising. She’s said a lot with those statements. It means she’s not doing awesome. But it also means people are taking care of her, looking out for her.
“What do you guys do when you go out?” She’s never been a partier, and I didn’t get the impression her friends at home were either.
“Well, I’m pretty pathetic so we can’t go to the movies or play games. The options are limited. We basically hang out at their apartment, or at one of their new friends’ places from college. Eat together, talk. We went to see some high school friends play at a bar on New Year’s. They’re in a band, and pretty good. That didn’t go too well for me actually. I’m kind of worried tonight won’t either. So far it’s been small groups, not really a party. But it sounds like this will be a party.”
“You hate parties.”
“I don’t always hate them. Small ones are okay. Sometimes.”
“You don’t have to go,” I remind her, and then bite my lip. I love that her friends are keeping her from sitting alone all day, but I hate the idea of her at a big party without me. Yeah, I can pretend it’s because I’m worried about it being too loud and crazy with her head injury, but I’m sure her friends are keeping an eye on her for that too.
“I know. But I think getting out does help my mood a little, even if it tires me out too. I’ve never been an extrovert, but that doesn’t mean I thrive being alone in a dark room all the time. If I can’t skateboard, I at least need some human interaction. Besides my parents, that is.”
“What are you doing standing outside?”
“I don’t have a car, and didn’t want anyone dealing with driving me so I just took the bus. Called you on the walk from the bus over here. Walking’s basically the only activity I can do right now so I’ll take it. It’s freezing here though.”
I picture her standing on a sidewalk in the dark shivering her ass off. It fills my lungs with the kind of breath I haven’t been able to take in weeks, because she’s doing it just to talk to me, but it also makes me ache. Why do we have to be so far apart? Not wanting to let her go, I force myself to tell her to go inside. “Be safe, Jordan. I want to take care of you,” I admit. “But I can’t, so you have to take care of yourself, okay?” It’s a little passive aggressive of me, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t killing me that she didn’t want me cancelling Shred Live for her. And now she’s forced to go to parties to get social interaction so she doesn’t stay cooped up in her parents’ house all day. We could be hanging out together at least. Wouldn’t she rather have been cooped up with me? I’m not going to ask that question, because I know the answer. Even if it’s yes, she’d never admit it. She wouldn’t want me stuck cooped up with her. If only she understood I don’t see it that way.
There’s a knock on my door as we end the call. Sarah Kase telling me burgers are ready. Yeah, I’d so much rather be cooped up with Jordan right now.
Chapter Eight
Jordan
Everyone’s back on campus, hugging and excited to see each other after break. But this isn’t my campus, and I’m not in the right place. Phoebe and Wyatt have introduced me to their friends, and I’ve been enjoying no one on their campus knowing anything about me. Skateboarding isn’t big here. While people from my hometown might have kept up with me, no one at Hooper College has heard of me. I’m sure a lot of them have heard the names Beckett Steele or Griffin Perry before, but the odds of them keeping up with their love lives are low. In that way, I feel safe. But I also know this isn’t my place. This isn’t my school. I’m not starting classes with the rest of them. I’m only here tonight as a sort of therapy. To avoid being alone too much. To prevent sinking into social isolation.
“It’s getting pretty crowded! You okay?” Wyatt is nearly shouting to be heard. This apartment isn’t big, and it’s now packed so tight I can barely move.
“I’m okay. But I think I’m gonna go outside for a minute. It’s hot in here and I could use some fresh air.”
“Okay, I’ll come.”
“I’ll be fine, Wyatt. Go find Phoebe.”
I’ve gotten a text from Beck and I want to check it.
“All right, but I’ll come find you if you’re not back in a minute.”
The sharp air feels good when I step outside a moment later. There’s a small group of people smoking down the street, and I slide out my phone as I lean against the wall outside.
Beck: Where are you sleeping tonight? I hope you’re not planning to take the bus home late.
I don’t want him worrying about me. Hell, that’s the main reason I ended things with him. It’s why I wasn’t even sure I should call him to check in. But the truth is, this text makes my chest fill with warmth, even if there’s some guilt there too.
Me: I’m staying at Wyatt and Phoebe’s. Their apartment is across the street from the party. Kind of tempted to go there right now but I’m trying to make it a full hour first.
Beck doesn’t respond right away and my eyes move up and down the sidewalk, wishing I had my skateboard right now. It snowed a few days ago, but it’s been shoveled away. I could skate flat surfaces easily with no risk of falling, and I’m not sure why I haven’t yet.
“Jordan Slattery!” My head snaps to the group of smokers. I didn’t look closely before, but the grin is unmistakable under the street light now. It’s Tanner Pollard. The bully of Hartsville skatepark, and the main reason I never skated at night in high school. He starts walking toward me, and I glance at the three others. I don’t recognize them as his entourage from high school. Tanner and his two buddies from Hartsville tormented Levi, my best friend from elementary and middle school. When Levi moved away, they tried to torment me too.
As the others put out their cigarettes and start to move toward me as well, I hold my ground. Maybe I should turn and rush back inside, but even as a stab of fear hits me square in the chest, something inside me refuses to run.
Tanner is grinning, and while I doubt he’s changed, I realize that I have. Whether stupid or brave, in this moment, I don’t want to run from potential danger.
My spine straightens as Tanner gets closer.
He shakes his head. “Always acting too good for us. Now look at you.”
“It’s nice to see you, Tanner.”
His new friends join him. “This is Jordan Slattery? She’s hotter online.”
“It’s the jacket, man. What’s underneath it? Remember that halter top shot?” one guy asks.
Another whistles. “When she shows skin, she’s hot.”
“I see you made some quality new friends,” I tell Tanner, trying like hell to keep my cool.
The side of his mouth lifts in a cruel smirk, and I know he’s about to deliver a meaningful insult.
“And I see you were just biding your time. Waiting to spread your legs for guys who could give you sponsorships and get you into competitions. So, which one did you give it up for first? Griffin Perry or Beckett Steele?”
That headache that was coming on earlier erupts as I struggle for a retort. Before I can open my mouth, a vaguely familiar voice responds from behind the guys who are now caging me against the wall.
“And I see you haven’t grown up much since middle school.”
My jaw drops as a much taller, much larger version of my old friend shoves his way through until he’s standing beside me. I hardly register the other guy with him, who takes my other side.
My eyes are glued to Levi, whose lower voice isn’t the only thing different about him. He’s grown a full foot, towering over the rest of us at somewhere near six and a half feet.
Levi stares down Tanner and his buddies. “Still trying to make yourself feel bigger by picking on people you’re jealous of, I see. With a new group of insecure guys to help you.”
One of the said insecure guys starts to defend himself, but Tanner takes a menacing step forward. Somehow, it doesn’t seem a
s menacing anymore though. The Levi I remember never would have stood up to Tanner, especially not when we’re outnumbered.
“And I see you’re still daydreaming about sucking dick and taking it up the ass.” His friends snicker but Levi only smiles like he’s totally unaffected.
“No, I don’t have to daydream about it anymore.”
“And he usually likes to be on top,” the guy beside me adds, and when I glance over at him, my eyes widen. With maybe one exception, the blond on my other side is the most good-looking dude I’ve ever seen.
“Hey!” Wyatt shoves past Tanner, Phoebe right behind him. “What’s going on out here? Oh shit! Levi?”
Levi nods. “Hey man. You comin’ from Alice’s place?”
“Alice? Yeah. That’s where you’re headed? Wait, are you a student here?”
Levi smiles and glances over my head to the hottie beside me. “I am now. Just transferred.”
“Yeah, to get his dick sucked by this pansy,” Tanner taunts.
Wyatt doesn’t even acknowledge the peanut gallery behind us. We got so used to ignoring Tanner and his groupies in high school, guess it’s still second nature to Wyatt.
“Come on!” Phoebe bounces between us. “Let’s head in! It’s freezing out here!”
Wyatt throws an arm around her. “Told you to put a jacket on, babe.” But we’re already moving, the five of us brushing right past Tanner, even as his friends continue calling insults.
The door shuts behind us, and my head reminds me it’s not done screaming at me yet.
Phoebe’s concerned face is in front of mine. “You okay, Jo Jo?”
“Was Tanner going to this party too? Are they coming in?” I glance behind me to the door.
“Kinda hope they do. I’ve been wanting to punch that guy for years,” Levi says.
“He’s not worth it,” the hottie says. “I’m Devon, Levi’s boyfriend, by the way.”