He let me go, resignation mirroring in his eyes. “I told you, there are others. Dangerous creatures that wouldn’t mind using you.”
“Which creatures? How?” I demanded, my heart thumping wildly with tension.
“Dark creatures…” His look was emphasising the meaning. “They would use anyone to get to us angels. And who would be a better target than the one we loved so much we would give our own lives for them without thinking twice. Who could seem a more attractive prey to them than the ones we would protect, no matter what agony we would have to endure.”
My gut knotted slowly while he spoke.
“Physical pain is nothing compared to what it feels like, losing the ones we so purely love.” He fell silent, motionless.
“What are you talking about?” I scrutinized his expression. It was full of fear and terror. “You wouldn’t die for me. You can’t.” I choked at the thought. “You mustn’t”
“I’m nearly as strong as they are, but you’re frail compared to the strength they hold.” His tone offended me.
“You’re talking like I’m eggshell.” My voice was harder than I had intended.
“Probably not—compared to your kind. But to my kind you’re less than frail glass. They could shatter you with a look.”
I touched his hand and pulled it towards me with a little effort. “Adam, who are they?”
He looked up again with probing eyes. “I tell you, you don’t want to know.”
“Yes I do,” I contradicted, defiance ringing in every single word.
His expression grew softer. Almost tenderly he freed his hand from mine and wound his arm around my waist, the other hand stroked up my neck and disappeared into my messy hair. “Come, be with me for now,” he breathed as he pulled me closer.
It was unfair, he wasn’t supposed to have such an intense effect on my feelings and body. I simply couldn’t resist him, not even when I knew he would throw me out after this conversation. I leaned in to inhale his scent, to feel his warmth on my face, to—
I got carried away. Carefully I grabbed the front of his soft woollen sweater and pulled myself against his chest. It was far too comfortable for my own good—being so close to him. It was self-destructive to get more and more deeply involved, now that I knew he was going to send me away. It was the sweetest intermezzo—a hint of what the thing between us could have been.
“Breathe, Claire,” the melody of Adam’s voice penetrated my thoughts and brought me back to reality.
Suddenly I regained control. Without knowing how, I had pulled away from him and took a deep breath before attempting to speak.
“Adam, I can’t…” I tried, hopelessly searching my brain for the right words.
“Good.” His voice was shaken and his face showed a deep sadness that instantly echoed in my heart. “You know it’s the only way.”
“That’s not what I meant—I can’t be with you now, like nothing has happened.” Confidence flowed through my bones as I managed to finish the sentence. “I can be with you if that’s what you want, because it is what I want, too. But then nothing will keep us apart.”
His eyes closed and I couldn’t read their expression.
“No one will make me fear, because as long as you’re with me nothing can ever happen. No Ben will make me leave you, no girl that admires you will turn me away. No other creature will get in our way, as long as we’re together.”
Something glistened on his cheek. It took me a second to realize it was a tear. Was he actually crying?
“You mean a demon?” His throat made a dry sound as he swallowed quickly.
“No creature, no matter how dark it is, can keep me away from you.”
Something undefinable between disapproval and bliss flashed over his features. “It’s unfair,” he complained, a crease forming on his forehead. “That’s more than I’ve ever dared dreaming of—knowing you feel so strongly for me.” The crease stretched wider. “But right now I’d rather you didn’t.”
His words stung like a rapier gouged into my heart. “How can you say this…” I sighed the words, trying to suppress the pain.
“I don’t want to draw you to the front line of an eternal war, Claire. You are too precious.” He explained curtly.
“Then don’t.” The sun was at its highest point now, and the pale winter landscape looked beautiful and dead outside the window I was facing. The trees were like sleek dark statues. Nothing was moving outside except for their shadows which crept from west to east at a barely noticeable speed. “Just be Adam the human instead of Adam the angel.”
He sighed a dark half-laugh. “You know how much I wish that would be possible. You know I tried. Remember last time I tried to shut away all the weird things I happen to be?”
I flinched at the memory. He had looked barely human then with his lifeless eyes. Ironic he should look inhuman when that had been the only time he had tried so hard to be nothing but human.
“Then be the angel—but be my angel.”
“I already am. Yours through and through.”
Frustration creeping up my body, I turned around and flung myself back onto the couch. A light white feather had lifted from the floor at my swift movement and hung mid-air before my eyes for a moment. I wondered if it was one of his.
“What are you thinking?”
I shook my head, denying him the information.
“When I leave now—will I ever see you again?” I hardly got the question to leave my dry mouth, fearing I already knew the answer.
Now it was him who shook his head denying me the only thing I had ever wanted.
Something inside my chest broke apart. I didn’t dare search for the source of pain that welled in my body. I knew I wouldn’t find it there, because it was standing right in front of me with the most apologetic smile on his beautiful angel-face.
Friday
I didn’t want to go when this meant I would never see him again, but I knew from the look he gave me that he wouldn’t allow me to change his mind. It was a fact I had to simply accept.
“Goodbye.” The words rang in my ears though it had been barely a whisper. I wasn’t sure if it had been him who had spoken them or me; all I was aware of was the hot numbness that trickled through my body. A dense veil of despair fogged my thoughts as I took one small step after the other, slow enough for him to stop me from going at least a million times before I reached the door; but no words told me to stay, no hands held me back, no arms slung around me. He made no attempt to make me stay, and I knew: This was it.
My feet somehow—I honestly didn’t know how—carried me through the door, that now led from his room instead of to it, down the hall past the satin-like shimmering hangings, down the marble stairs and out the front door, over the gravel to my car. I noticed that the sun had wandered further to the west. The shadows had stretched long north-east and began to fade into twilight as I drove down the winding path. It seemed to lead away from Adam—everything did—like he was the center of a web and no matter where I chose to go, it just increased the distance between me and him.
I drove through the streets very slowly, provoking angry honks and nasty gestures from my fellow road users. It didn’t bother me at all. All that bothered me was Adam’s absence from my life.
The headlights of my car had long gone dark when I managed to drag myself to the house. Nigel was sitting on the porch, looking up at me with big yellow eyes. I unlocked the door and shooed him in, following close and switching on the lights on my way to the living room. Nigel crawled onto my lap the moment I sat down on the sofa. My hand stroked his soft fur reflexively. It was comforting, having him here after all. He was the only part of my past that hadn’t left me.
I recalled the memory of the day my mom had brought him home. He had been so tiny, his eyes barely open, his rosy gray speckled nose cold and wet, and his little paws had stretched towards me when my mom had handed him to me. This had been the year before their accident. I gulped.
Nigel was fo
ur years old now, nose still speckled and fur so fluffy it felt like feathers. I gulped again.
I tried not to let myself be reminded of the inevitable issues I couldn’t shove aside much longer.
As much as I wished it wouldn’t, the scene replayed in my head—like a nightmare—making me sick all over again …
Adam’s smile flashed through my thoughts and I shut my inner eye to block out what had happened that afternoon. Another well of tears washed down my cheeks, and I fell into an uneasy sleep with dreams that showed me Adam: Adam winged, Adam without wings, Adam with Maureen, Adam without Maureen, Adam with shadows dancing around him…
The ringing of my cell woke me about an hour later. It was Sophie’s voice that chirped at me happily as I answered.
“I have my free day today, so I thought I’d just call you. Everything is so exiting,” she babbled. I nodded to myself without taking in too much of what she was saying.
“I saved a life today—can you believe it? The guy had a heart attack right in the ER and I…”
Why had Adam said it was dangerous for me to know too much? Why had he told me anything then?
“…and then his heart started to work normally again…”
I had wanted to know everything—that was why he had told me. It still was a mystery to me how I had managed to walk away from him.
“…Dr. Phelbs says I’ve got great potential for internal medicine, you know. I’m also quite ahead in anatomy and diagnostics. Thanks for returning the book by the way, you saved me a lot of money—Caire?”
I jumped. I had forgotten I was still on the phone.
“Sorry—what?”
“Thank you for returning the book for me.”
“Oh, yeah—right.”
“Claire, are you alright?” She sounded worried.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I lied. “I’m just tired. You woke me up with the call.”
“Sorry. Shall I let you sleep then, little sister?”
“Sure.”
“Sleep tight.”
“You too.” I hung up and threw the cell onto the sofa. I removed Nigel from my lap and headed for the bathroom. The water in the shower washed away the pain in my muscles—but not the pain in my chest.
Fortune was on my side as I lay down in my bed, my nightie on and my hair dried, and soon fell asleep without any dreams this time.
Next day, I woke up with a growing anger flaring in my stomach. I had been stupid, pathetic—why hadn’t I put up a better fight?
It felt like the conversation we had the day before could have found another—better—outcome, if I hadn’t been so weak, so…theatrical. I wrinkled my nose at my own weakness as I pictured myself kneeling in the open front door, sobbing hysterically. It must have been a view of utter weakness—like throwing a steel hammer onto a cuddly toy—me the toy and Adam the hammer, smashing down on me with impossible words of love and denial. I shivered in disgust.
Phase one—denial—seemed to be at its zenith. I tried, with the very essence of my being, to find reasons why our conversation had been a mistake. The situation had derailed—at least I told myself that much. If I talked to him now, everything would be alright. He would take me right back into his arms and love me forever—or longer. I hadn’t got a clue about an angel’s lifespan.
But my pride kept me from calling him, and I was glad it did. I had already made too much a fool of myself. I had cried like a little girl and I had longed like an adult woman, I had tasted sweetness and bitterness all in one moment; and I couldn’t bear how my gut still knotted at the thought of his eyes, his smile.
Adam could have helped to make it much easier if he hadn’t told me all the time how much I meant to him. What good was it, talking of love when love was forbidden? After all, he was a heavenly creature—strong and true and divine. I’d read about it in the book—angels or sons of God fell in love with the daughters of men. And the angels’ love was pristine and pure.
I picked up the book from the drawer of my bedside table and opened it to the page where I had stopped reading.
More than anyone before did they desire to coalesce with their beloveth’s soul. But from the day the first angel hath placed his lips on a woman’s lips, the creatures of shadow and thunder do pursuit of their destruction. And no angel shall find happiness in the arms of an earthly woman, nor of the female of their own kind, until the shadow’s hold on them is broken. I looked up, realizing Adam’s warning in the words I had just read.
I was the earthly woman, obviously, and he was the angel …missing …who was the shadowy creature; the demon, as Adam had called it? Maybe all his words had been true and it really was concern for our safety that kept him turning away from me.
To me, it seemed like I had done too much wrong in my life to deserve this perfect creature. Something this heavenly surely couldn’t be meant for me—after all, I had stopped believing in anything the day of my parents’ car accident.
Right now my greatest desire was to steal myself into this divine creature’s life—and it was also my worst sin, as this seemed to be inevitably mingled with putting him in danger.
I didn’t care that much about how safe my own life was right now. I cared about how much it hurt that he would never hold me in his arms again, that I would never see his joy again or his green eyes. And he would never again feel how much I loved him.
With great effort, I flung myself from the bed and ambled to the bathroom, got dressed and brushed my teeth and finally made it down to the kitchen. As I opened the fridge, emptiness looked back at me. I groaned—shopping jumped to the top of my to-do list with great verve. I took the remaining milk out of the fridge and poured it into a glass. The cereal was nearly empty as well. A bit of bread and some cheese were left. I grabbed them and processed them into my breakfast with a few slow movements. Tired as I was, I sat down at the table and started eating in slow-motion.
It was Sunday morning. The sun was webbing through the cool mist that was rising from the ground as I left for the supermarket. Under different conditions I might have been delighted by the sun, but today it contradicted my emotions. It was like it wanted to make mince meat of my already touchy mood. I was determined not to let it.
A few minutes later I let my car roll to a halt in the parking lot. The lot was empty compared to other days of the week. Only a few people liked to do their shopping Sunday morning—I usually didn’t either. But today was different from other days in so many ways—even from the other Sundays—that no protocol of normal behaviour would apply.
I slowly walked towards the entrance and got myself a shopping cart. The shopping list contained groceries, mainly. I pulled everything I needed from the shelves indifferently, trying neither to hurry nor to slow the process down on purpose.
Most of the fellow shoppers strolled through the aisles picking out their groceries. Some stood deep in thought, taking endless time to study either ingredients or nutrition panels, or comparing prices.
Some of the people seemed to be in a hurry and grabbed only two or three things and they were on their way. In some aisles employees were restocking the shelves. It was a perfectly normal picture.
I had reached the end of an aisle and was on my way to find my favorite cereal—with honey—when suddenly the picture of normality wavered. A man was standing a few feet away from me. He stood out from the other shoppers; with his silvery gray hair and his too young face, his light eyes gave me a contemptuous look. Even without his strange hair he would have drawn attention. The clothes he was wearing were a stylish composition of black and dark gray—black pants and a dark gray shirt.
He wore a frock coat that was made of a thick woollen material with banded collar and leather-appliqués on shoulders, sleeves and hem. His right hand rested on the handle of his empty shopping cart, the left one playing with a chunky silver necklace that dangled down to his chest. An eye-catching pendant was attached to it. In the short second my gaze swept over it the shape resembled an amulet.
Something about his overall appearance was intimidating. I chose to turn around and go the other way, where I had seen an employee stocking shelves. I had just put one foot forward when something bumped into me. Startled, I looked down and saw a blond shock of hair and two gold brown eyes gazing up at me. I sighed with relief. For one second I had thought…
“Sorry,” the boy apologized. He was about eight. His face was strangely familiar. I pondered for a second, trying to figure out if he was from my neighborhood, but couldn’t place him. “Never mind.” I smiled at him. He gave me a wide impish grin in return, and ran away.
When I turned to face the odd, black dressed man again he was gone. Shaking my head at myself, wondering where he had gone, and feeling glad that he had, I pushed the shopping cart towards the cereal shelf.
The whole way to the check-out I saw neither the guy nor the kid. They weren’t outside in the parking lot either.
* * *
I put the shopping into the kitchen cabinets and the fridge, taking more time than I usually would have needed. Nigel was curling around my legs, curiously eying the things as I passed them from my hands into drawers, shelves and boxes. He mewed loudly as I held the cat food in my hand.
“Look who’s hungry!” I filled his feeding dish and placed it on the floor in front of his nose. Nigel ate greedily, his tail still winding around my leg. I bent down to scratch him between his ears once and headed for my room. I still had a lot of school stuff on my to-do list, and I hadn’t even done the absolutely necessary things so far—not to mention all the additional work that arose due to my stupidity; like repeating history dates for hours.
So I slouched to my bed with my school things in my hand and spread them across the blanket. Starting with algebra, my favourite, I made my way through English and wrote an essay for philosophy. I had fried chicken for lunch in between before I changed to my least favorite task.
The history book weighed heavy in my arms as I lifted it and reluctantly opened it at page fifty-three. I hadn’t taken in too much about World War II during our last history class, so I had to catch up, and I was glad—somehow—because it kept my mind busy and delayed the moment my thoughts would, without a doubt, return to Adam’s perfection and the pain that was in my chest.
White (The Wings Trilogy Book 1) Page 19