When I opened my eyes again I was sitting in the passenger seat of my car. Jaden was driving. He looked at the street in high concentration. I didn’t recognize any buildings or street names. I probably had never been here.
“What happened?” I asked, confused. “Where are we?”
“You almost killed yourself.” He stated, not taking his eyes off the road.
“I didn’t—not intentionally.” I defended myself.
“Whatever.” His face was set, not showing any emotion.
I watched him driving for a while. Breathing in and out, trying to ignore the barbed wire that was knitting into my heart again.
“You can’t go on like that,” he finally opened his mouth to speak again. “You can’t just be that reckless. No matter how much it hurts, you need to stay in your right mind.”
I listened to him, understanding every word, knowing what he wanted to tell me, agreeing with him; but I was sure it wouldn’t be that easy. Try wouldn’t suffice.
“I’ll take you home,” he told me. His face was a bit softer now. “I’m here for you. I won’t let you hand yourself over to insanity. It will become easier—after some time. Until then I won’t leave your side.”
I nodded, not knowing whether to agree with him or not.
I opened my eyes and looked out of the window. It had become warmer in the last few days. The frozen ground was soaked with the rain that had been falling continuously since the day after Adam’s death.
My thoughts were circling around one and the same thing over and over again—Adam. All the days we had spent together since we had first met in the graveyard…
My cellphone rang for what seemed like the hundredth time. I reached out to fetch it from the bedside table, but it wasn’t there. Sophie answered it in the living room. “…oh hello Jenna …yeah, I’m alright, thank you …How are you? …………I know, I saw it yesterday …. No, she’s still asleep. I think it’s best for her, to sleep, to forget …. I’ll tell her you called …. Yeah, bye!”
Only a few minutes later Sophie opened the door to check if I was still asleep. As she noticed I was awake, she smiled.
“Jenna called. She asked how you are feeling.”
I was one-hundred percent sure that I wouldn’t answer that question honestly. Nobody could know how much I was suffering, how sore my broken heart still was and how my thoughts were never going to stop circling around the moment when my reason to live had been taken away from me.
“Thanks, I’ll call her,” I crawled out of bed to get to my cellphone. I didn’t know what to tell her, what to ask her. While the phone dialed I went through the events in my head again, and a cold, numb feeling spread through my body. I could feel Sophie’s eyes on my back.
“Hello?” I nearly jumped when Jenna answered the phone. “Hey Jenna, Sophie told me you called. How are you?” I heard a sigh at the other end of the line, a sob and finally she spoke.
“I haven’t slept a lot since—well, since it happened. I’m trying to keep the facade up for Ben, but I think, I can’t fool him—how are you?”
I needed a moment to get my head together; I couldn’t tell how I felt exactly. I knew that I felt little but numb and that I was more than slightly panicking, facing the fact that my personal heaven had turned into hell. “I—I’ve just woken up, but it hurts so much I’m not sure I’ll return to bed straight away. I don’t know what to do, Jenna. What now?”
I felt tears running down my cheeks, they were hot. I really had no idea. The few days that had passed since Adam’s death hadn’t changed anything about the way I was suffering—every second was full of his absence, and my heart didn’t find any anchor to steady itself. What should I do? Where should I go? How should life go on without the one you loved?
“We’d love to have you here for lunch. Bring Sophie if she likes,” Jenna invited me. That was the concrete part of the answers I needed to have something to distract me. Getting ready for lunch and driving to the Gallagers’ place. But would I be able to stand it, being there, where he should be, but never would be again?
“Thanks Jenna, I’ll bring her, I don’t think I should drive myself.” I thought back to my last trip home from the Gallagers’ place and shuddered. “In an hour?” She agreed and hung up.
Sophie was still standing in the doorway to my room, looking slightly alarmed. “Jenna invited us to join them for lunch.” Sophie nodded.
Focusing on my current task I kept my thoughts busy while heading towards the bathroom. I decided to take a shower.
The water felt good, it washed away the cold, numb feeling a little. My knees gave way under the pressure from the past few days. I couldn’t hold my own weight, and I leaned against the wet wall for support. My body immediately slid down.
The shampoo had to be somewhere near. I looked around and spotted it within reach. I grabbed it and washed my hair. It smelled of herbs, I liked it. It revitalized my senses, and washing my hair kept my hands busy.
As I rinsed my hair, my thoughts wandered off to the last memory of Adam I had. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest.
He had spread his wings, the radiating light had burned within him. I had seen the silver flashes, and I had seen him falter as he was hit, his eyes searching for me, finding mine, his smile, his legs trembling, his body falling backwards, his lips mouthing I love you. Then he had fallen out of my view. Maybe I imagined that his last thought had been of me, but I held on to that memory—I wouldn’t get a better one.
Sophie knocked at the door. I jumped up, out of the shower and fetched a towel to dry myself. Then I opened the door. Sophie was keeping an eye on me all the time, always anxious I would snap and go crazy from the loss. She thought it was too much for me, first losing my parents, and then, after readjusting to life, my boyfriend. She had no idea how close she was to the truth—how close I was to going crazy.
“Time’s almost up,” Sophie said smiling, “Hurry, dear.”
Drying my hair took only a few minutes. I tied it into a messy knot at the back of my head, not caring what it looked like. I jumped into the first pair of jeans I found, put on a gray long-sleeved shirt and a black sweater and went to search for fresh socks.
Sophie was already waiting with the front door open when I put on my sneakers and grabbed a jacket before heading for the car.
The Gallagers’ house was not too far away, but neither of us spoke. The silence stretched the few minutes into endless moments of Adam’s absence. He was missing in every second, in every picture I saw rushing by outside the windows. I felt my lungs reject the air I was breathing in. My head was spinning and my focus was shifted for a moment. I felt tears running down my cheeks and forced the air down my throat, trying to hide my breakdown from Sophie.
She looked at the road with concentration creasing her forehead. I couldn’t tell if she noticed what was going on right beside her.
When we arrived, Antonio was the first to greet us. His always happy barking was soothing. I went down on my knees and embraced him while he tried to jump up and lick my face. If everyone else was sad and grieving, Antonio was still his happy self. Jenna was standing in the open door behind the dog, shaking her head.
“He hasn’t as much as wagged his tail since Adam’s been gone. You’re the first to get that reaction from him in days. I already thought about taking him to the vet.”
What did that mean? Antonio had been Adam’s dog mainly, but he had been part of the family, he wasn’t supposed to grieve the way we did, and if he did, why would he get up and greet me that happily. Jenna led us to the kitchen where a big pot of steaming soup was waiting.
“Please, sit down, Claire, Sophie.” She pointed at two chairs on the far end of the table.
I sat down, Sophie followed my example.
“Thanks for the invitation, Jenna. I’m glad I don’t have to eat alone today.”
I watched Sophie from the corner of my eye. I hoped she knew what I had meant with not alone. I knew I wasn’t alone at home. I ha
d meant without someone who was close to Adam, for sure his family was. Sophie hadn’t noticed, or she was good at hiding it.
Antonio trotted over to lie down on top of my feet. Without thinking about it my hand reached down to stroke his head. Ben appeared through the kitchen door, his eyes were slightly red. He walked over and sat down next to Sophie.
Chris was standing behind Ben, he looked worn, a lot older. He shook Sophie’s hand, “Sophie, nice to have you here. Hey Claire,” he waved at me over Ben’s shoulder.
Adam’s parents and my sister had gotten along well in the past few days. She had been here for me and for them in the same way, helping where she could.
Geoffrey served the soup. We sat in silence for a while, Sophie and Chris ate, Ben shoved the bowl aside, Jenna and I both moved the spoon through the soup, but did not lift it to our mouths.
“The date for the funeral is set,” Chris said into the silence. I flinched, and Ben snorted.
“When is it?” Sophie asked politely.
“Friday, the fourth of February—Friday this week.”
As I took in the words I had been dreading, my head spun and the barbed wire started to curl around my insides and knot them together all over again.—So soon.
“We’ll be there,” Sophie told Chris, stroking my upper arm with her free hand.
I nodded and finally lifted the spoon to my lips. The soup was tasty. It filled my stomach and warmed my insides—a little. All my memories of Adam—everything, all the beautiful moments and the painful last days of running from the demons—rushed through my mind in a second and I was stuck in this unendurable ache that filled my whole body.
Chris lifted his head and I knew he sensed what I was feeling. His pain must be doubled. Adam had been his son and his catalyst. Adam had carried his mark. I could only imagine how hard it was for Chris to put on the brave face for his family. I gave him a wry smile and he pursed his lips in an understanding expression.
Ben looked at us with accusing eyes and then turned his attention to his mother who was still looking at her soup without eating.
“Can I talk to you, Chris?” I asked quietly, not looking up from the bowl in front of me.
“Sure, what is it?”
“Alone,” I urged, ignoring the others’ curious faces.
“Come with me.” He got up from the table and led the way to the library. I followed him sheepishly, evading Sophie’s questioning look.
We walked upstairs and down the corridor to the old wooden door to the library. Chris pushed down the handle and it creaked open.
“What is your concern, Claire?” Chris asked as he closed the door behind us.
I didn’t know how to ask, but I was afraid of the demons. I was afraid they would come back and get me, and I was afraid Adam had died for nothing.
“Why are you afraid?” He eyed me, his forehead creasing above his worried eyes.
Of course he did sense my fear. “Do you think they’re going to come back?” I asked without looking at him. I felt fear, and I was ashamed of it. I felt weak and helpless. Nothing I did made any difference now. If they came for me I would be easy prey, more than ever.
“I don’t think they will—not now.” He exhaled slowly. “Maybe in a while, but not right now—they don’t have a reason. They achieved a great goal in punishing both of us with Adam’s death.”
I looked up. “Both of us?”
“You carry his mark, and he carried mine.”
I didn’t understand.
“Both our souls were torn by his death.” His eyes shone wet as he spoke. “I’m less affected, because I’m an angel myself, my soul is stronger than yours, I can endure a lot of pain before I break—” He looked at me with intense eyes and they started gleaming. “—and I got a bit of him back through you. You carry a part of him with you, as long as you carry his mark. It helps—if only a little.”
I looked at him in wonder. “But if a part of him is still with me—how can it hurt like that?” I clutched my chest in reflex, feeling the wires pull my insides into a knot.
“That’s because a part of you died with him. When he marked you, he gave you a part of his soul unintentionally and took a part of your soul to replace the lost part. You were irrevocably interlaced.” He took my hand and squeezed it. “When he died you lost a part of yourself, too.” He looked at me for a moment, quiet and musing.
“Is it ever going to become better?” I asked into the silence between us.
“Never.”
I nodded, understanding. So, I was never going to heal. That was how it felt anyway. The barbed wire tore through my heart as if to emphasise what was starting to sink in.
“What if the demons come back?” I shuddered.
Chris pulled me to the armchairs and pushed me down into one of them. I looked up at him with big eyes.
“If they should really come back for you, I will be there.”
I was stiff with horror. “You can’t, Chris.” I told him. “Jenna needs you, and Ben—” I pleaded with him. “What if something happens to you?”
“By killing Adam, they messed with me.” Chris eyes were suddenly fierce. “I might have not used my abilities in a while, but I’m older than Adam—I’m stronger than he was. They can’t take me down that easily. If they ever touch my family—and I consider you part of it—again I will take them down one by one until none of them remains to tell the story.”
I hadn’t gotten to know this side of Chris so far, but I was glad that he was on my side. He looked dangerous with his now glowing eyes and determined face. I did believe every word he said, and my fear was diminished—a little.
“Thank you, Chris,” I said in a small voice.
“Don’t worry right now, Claire. At the moment there are more important matters. We have to make the last arrangements for the funeral…”
I looked to the floor, not wanting to hear it. I felt another stab in my heart, a constant reminder that Adam would never be with me again, that the space he had left there would never be filled.
“And,” he continued, “—my family and your sister are waiting for us in the kitchen. They will be wondering what we’re up to.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, “Let’s go back.” I got to my feet and straightened up. Chris was at the door, holding it open for me. I was sure I would need some time to get used to him being an angel.
Sophie was talking to Jenna when we returned to the kitchen. They abruptly stopped mid-sentence as I entered the room. I knew they had been talking about our parents. I had heard their names. And I could guess what Sophie had told Jenna—that I wasn’t stable, that I had gone through too much in the last few years, that they should keep an eye on me.
Like I would do anything stupid. All I wanted was to have Adam back—something impossible. I wouldn’t do anything—I would wait until something happened to me.
Sophie looked at me sheepishly. “Shall we?”
Again I felt the urge to get away. I needed time to think about what had happened, about why he had had to die. I needed to go through every detail once more. I wanted to see where exactly I had gone wrong.
“Yeah.” I walked over to Jenna, hugging her. “See you at the—” I inhaled, smothering the pain in my insides. “—funeral.”
Chris gave me a serious look from behind Jenna. I nodded at him—a gesture of silent understanding. Ben didn’t look at me. It seemed I had become invisible to him. It hurt me, that Adam’s brother avoided me so much.
Sophie took me home. I went straight to my room and curled up on my bed. The rain was hammering onto the roof and against the windows, reminding me that I was still in this reality though the pictures in my head had returned to my wing-spreading, falling angel. I felt a hand on my cheek, stroking my face gently, soothing.
“I’ll stay with you if that’s alright?” Jaden asked, and I nodded into my pillow. He didn’t leave my side for a long time, stroking my head while I cried myself to sleep.
* * *
I c
ould feel the car slowing down. The trees outside the window, the ones encircling the graveyard, were wet from the rain. They were silent witnesses.
Some cars were parked in the small parking lot on the other side of the street. I could feel our car stopping too.—It was time.
Sophie opened the door for me. I reluctantly moved my feet out of the car and set them on the ground. It was cold and wet. The only black jacket I owned was too thin for the cold winter air.
Sophie helped me out and led the too familiar way to the wrought iron gate. The street was full of people of all ages. We followed them into the graveyard and walked over to where Adam’s family stood. Chris’s eyes were red and Jenna had wound her arm around his shoulders. Ben was standing next to her in a black suit, his face cold and mask-like, but his eyes slightly red. I lifted one hand to say hi and Chris waved back, curling the edge of his lips into a distorted smile.
Jenna nodded at me and looked back at her husband who was staring at the grave in front of him. A priest was standing next to the family. He was young and looked very busy with the books in his hands. Some of the mourners were holding black umbrellas to shield themselves against the rain.
I stopped a few yards away from the open grave, looking around. People were standing in a half-circle around a hole in the wet ground. I recognized only few of them. I caught a glimpse of Lydia and Amber standing at the other side of the grave at the back of the crowd. Lydia was holding Richard’s hand, and Amber was clutching the handle of an umbrella with both her hands, huddling underneath it. I was surprised they were here. I had told them the same lie I had told the police and they had swallowed it without questioning, but they had been shocked at the suicide. They had come here for me. I nodded at them, not knowing if they noticed, and turned back to the gaping hole in the ground.
The pain in my insides welled up again as I fully took in the scene.
A fallen angel was lying in a plain wooden coffin. I did not feel the need to move closer and have a glimpse through the tiny window on the upper side. The only thing I would see there was the face of the one I loved, the one I had lost.
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