by Nicole Thorn
I sat by myself, at the same table every day. Sometimes people would come to steal the other chairs but they would never sit with me. That had bothered me when I was younger but now, I liked the solitude. It gave me time to get things done. Like my homework. I finished it all before I started on the lunch I didn’t want. It was like chewing on cardboard but I ate everything.
My stomach wasn’t happy with me for doing so, either.
When I was finished, I decided to head to my last hour. I left the noise of the cafeteria behind and got the quiet of the locker-lined hallways instead, though, I was not alone. That guy from this morning, I thought his name was Julian, was there. He leaned over a girl, talking low to her.
She was short. At least a foot shorter than I was, at any rate. Her white-blond hair had been pinned back into a ponytail, and her shoulders were hunched. Her eyes focused on the ground. Even from where I stood, I could tell that she didn’t like Julian’s presence but she didn’t try to get away from him either.
I drew close enough to hear their conversation. “I’m just saying,” Julian whispered. “It would be fun.”
“No. Thank you,” she whispered back.
“Why not?” Julian asked. “It’s not like you have guys lining up to take you out. I’m doing you a favor, really.”
“It’s a favor I don’t want,” the girl said. Her eyes darted to the side, and her chest pumped up and down. She wanted an escape but wouldn’t take one. Julian’s friends stood behind him, and they had their arms crossed over their chests. Offering another wall between her and freedom.
“Don’t be stupid,” Julian said. “How can you not want it? I’m the best offer you’ll ever get.”
The girl, who I realized was in most of my classes, shook her head. Her lips pressed together tightly. I racked my brain, trying to remember her name. It started with an M. The teachers liked to call on her because she was too quiet. They thought it was important to bring her out of her shell, when they were only torturing her.
“You only want to go out with me because of who my family is,” she said. “So, no. But thanks for the offer.”
She tried to dart around him but Julian slammed his hands on either side of her. The lockers rattled, and her chest started pumping faster. “So, what if that’s my motivation?” he asked. “You can spend the rest of your life alone, or you can settle for someone who wants you for your money. It won’t be me because I don’t want to be tied to you for life but you and I can have some fun together. Before I start getting bored with you.”
My eyebrows popped. I finally understood what was happening. He didn’t actually want to go out with her. He wanted to pick on her, and thought this would be the best way. I didn’t understand the appeal but didn’t say anything either.
Manny. I remembered. Her name is Manny. She’s from a metal worker family. That was what he meant by who her family was.
Power brushed through the hallway, and with it came wind. It felt like Julian. The wind buffeted down the hallway and knocked into his friends. They maintained their footing but Manny didn’t. She went down on her knees, and her bag fell from her hands. Its contents spilled across the floor, and the wind sent it flying against walls, up to the ceiling.
“You should think before you reject people so rudely,” he said. The wind died down. He turned on his heel and began to march down the hallway. He made an aggressive move at me when he saw me standing there. “What are you watching, creep?”
“I’m watching a guy with too much ego and not enough humility at the prime of his life,” I said, my voice flat.
For some reason, even though I only answered his question, he moved at me even more aggressively. I called my own power, before his fist could connect with mine. I didn’t have to do anything else before Julian fell back, his eyes wide with terror. His two friends took off down the hallway at a dead run, while he stood still for a moment. Then he followed them.
Manny still knelt on the ground. I would have walked past her but she wasn’t moving. She stared directly ahead of her, at nothing at all. When I approached, I noticed a bruise on her arm. It was light, so it might’ve still been forming. “You should put some ice on that,” I said.
She jumped about a foot into the air and then stared at me. Her eyes went to the bruise, and she snorted. “Oh? Should I?” The words lacked some aggression that she probably meant to give them.
I nodded. “It’ll help with the swelling, and the cool effect might ease some of the pain.”
She stared at me for several seconds, as if wondering whether or not I was serious. People stared at me that way often. I wondered if there was something about me that didn’t seem serious but it hardly mattered. Most of the other students didn’t talk to me at all. Those that did were often like Julian.
I didn’t understand the hostility but it was hardly something I needed to worry about.
“Well... Thanks, I guess,” Manny said. She climbed to her feet, and had her arms wrapped around her stomach. She watched me. I did not know for what, so I just stared back at her.
Her shoulders curled inward, like preparing for a blow, and her eyes darted around. I was about to ask if she was all right or if I should go, when my stomach rebelled. It turned over so heavily that I didn’t have time to think. I darted over to a trashcan and hunched over it seconds before everything I had eaten for lunch came back up. For the second time that day, I retched for what felt like hours but it was only a handful of minutes. When it was over, I stood up fully.
Manny stared at me with wide eyes. “Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded and went to wipe my mouth.
“Don’t!” she said. Her eyes darted around nervously, and then she pulled a tissue from her pocket and handed it over. I used that to wipe my mouth, and then wandered over to a water fountain to rinse it out. It took several tries before I felt somewhat clean again.
I didn’t expect to see Manny still standing there when I turned around but she was. I stopped and shuffled my feet. “What?”
“Shouldn’t you go to the nurse?” she asked.
“Why?”
“Because you got sick,” she said. “You should head home, so that you don’t get sick again.”
All her things were still scattered around the hall, and lunch would let out in another few minutes. The other students wouldn’t care if they ruined all her things by walking over them. I wandered over and started collecting them for her. “I only have one more class,” I said. “It’s fine.”
“Shouldn’t one of your parents come to get you?” she asked before dropping down and grabbing her belongings as well. She moved in jittery bursts that made her seem uncoordinated but it got the job done.
“I’m eighteen,” I said. “If I wanted to go home, I could sign myself out. I don’t want to go home.”
The statement brought her attention to me. “Why not?” she asked.
“My father is at home,” I told her. “He’s got clients, and he doesn’t like me around when they’re around. He says that I bother them, even if I stay out of their way and don’t speak with them. Since I seem to bother people here by just being in the same room, I figure that he’s right.”
“Oh,” Manny said. She shoved her books into her backpack. “Maybe he’d understand... since you’re sick?”
I didn’t know how to explain it to her, so I didn’t bother trying. I grabbed the last of her papers and handed them over. Then I rose to my feet. She stared up at me for a second when I offered my hand. She did not take it, choosing instead to climb up on her own. She crossed her arms over her chest, like she could guard herself against me by doing so.
My hand dropped.
She watched it and bit her lip. “Sorry, I just—”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Most people don’t like touching me.”
“No, that’s not it,” she said.
I didn’t believe her because what else could it have been? People always drew away from me but it didn’t offend me. I tried
to explain. “I’m not upset,” I said. “No one likes having me near them. It’s because of what I can do. It freaks them out because it would take nothing for me to hurt them.”
“That really isn’t it,” Manny said. Her eyes darted around while she tried to think through what to say. I waited until she took a deep breath. “I don’t like getting touched. That’s all. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset,” I told her, honestly.
“It had nothing to do with you,” she said. She clearly thought the words were inadequate because she shrugged, staring into my eyes with her pale green ones.
“Okay,” I said.
“I’m not lying,” Manny said.
“I didn’t think you were,” I said, frowning. “You really should put ice on that, and I’d avoid being alone with Julian. My father would say that he has a need to dominate. Bye now.” I stepped away from her as the bell started to ring. She said something that I didn’t catch, and then the crush of students heading to their next classes pressed into the hallway. I walked away, going to my government class.
Mrs. Knott looked up when I stepped into the room, her eyes narrowed. She was in a mood today, and I worried about getting sent home twice. My empty stomach turned over.
Chapter Four
Worthless
Manny
No one was in the bathroom, so I lifted up my shirt to see what kind of damage was done. I didn’t mean for that boy to see my arm yesterday but with what Lane had done to me, I couldn’t really hide it all.
My stomach was dark, dark purple, and every step was agony. I’d taken to shuffling because it was the easiest thing to do. Most of my body was a different color than it was meant to be. Old bruises and new ones mingled, making my skin yellow and purple all over. I had to be more careful next time. Not piss off Lane, and not let anyone see this.
The bell rang, and I reflexively dropped my shirt. I smoothed it out, careful not to put pressure on my stomach. I should have taken a cold bath a couple of nights ago, instead of going to sleep. But my head had been pounding, and all I’d wanted was sleep. Quiet.
Lunchtime, so I left the bathroom and waited until the hurrying crowd thinned enough for me to safely enter. When I did, I rushed through people, trying to get safely to the other side of the hall. A few people rammed into me, and I winced as I got to the nook at the wall. After a couple of minutes to recover, I headed off to lunch.
Even with having to stop to recover, I made it to the lunchroom in time to actually get food. Last week I had three days in a row where I had to skip it because there wasn’t enough time. I’d almost thrown up from hunger but I got past it. I nearly had my body trained.
I got in line and looked ahead to see what we were having. Soup and a breadstick. I had to pay five dollars for half the amount of food that would barely get me by. When I got to the front of the line, I put a little of everything on my red plastic tray, and then the hell began.
Finding a seat was a real bitch, and I never looked forward to it. Lane never let me sit with him and his friends when he went here, so I was going on twelve years of sitting all by myself. Something I was used to but there was a dance to picking a seat. Not too close to someone who may talk to me, or someone who was saving a seat for their friend. No sitting next to anyone with more than one friend because the unwelcoming glares were painful.
Luck fell upon me when I saw two tables in the middle of the lunch room. One was totally empty. The other one had one boy sitting at it but he had turned around, chatting with a full table of students.
I went to sit at the empty table.
I’d opened my milk and picked up my spoon when the boy turned around. He frowned at me, like he was a kid being told he was getting ice cream and his parents took him to the dentist instead.
“Sorry but can you move?” he asked. “My friends are coming, and I have these tables saved.”
He wasn’t rude about it, in an obvious way. He didn’t even laugh at me, just stared without mercy until I stood up and gathered my things again. While the boy didn’t laugh, I got some amused looks by a table of girls close by and a giggle from a bitch with dark lipstick.
As I walked toward the bathrooms — where I would be eating my lunch for the fiftieth time this year — I caught sight of Julian again. He glanced at me, smirking smugly. I could have sat with him if I’d taken him up on that offer the other day. Not worth it.
They all thought so little of me, didn’t they? The little freak girl with too much power; she would jump on any attention she could get. He thought I should go out with him, just because no one else seemed to want me. Not only that but he thought his utter honesty would work on me. As if I were insane enough or hated myself enough to take what I would get, even if it was blatant abuse. I didn’t care that boys didn’t give me attention, or that the girls didn’t like me. I would rather die a friendless virgin than associate with the bitches here, or sleep with a boy because he thought I would be fun. I didn’t hate myself quite that much. And I didn’t need another reason to feel disgusting.
Before I got to the bathroom, I turned my head one more time. I breathed in relief when I saw one gloriously empty table, right by the wall. I hurried over to it, assuming people would be rushing it any time now. With another few steps, I got past the wall, and saw that the table was not at all empty.
That boy was sitting there, stirring his soup with a spoon, staring at the yellow gunk as it spun around. Maybe he was cooling it, or maybe he wasn’t. Either way, I watched him.
Becket was his name, and I knew very little else about him. I knew that he was... off. Like a dislocated arm. The parts were there but not in the right spots. Not in working order. People stared at him, teased him, and said terrible things. Things that no one as quiet as him deserved to be said about them. As far as I knew, he’d never earned any of the ridicule. His only sin was being broken in the head. If that was really a sin, then we were both hell-bound.
I started walking before I was aware of it. All I knew was that I was starving and didn’t want to eat in the bathroom again. Becket didn’t look like the kind of person who would hurt me. Maybe if I gave him a reason to but I could be careful. I could be quiet.
In a whisper, I said, “Can I sit here, please?”
The boy looked up at me, and I saw a blank innocence I wasn’t expecting. “Why?”
All right then. “Um because there aren’t seats anywhere else. I... I can just leave...”
I turned around and took a single step before Becket said, “Wait. It’s fine if you sit here.”
With a bright red face, I sat across from him. I didn’t say anything before I started in on my meal.
Sometime later, Becket looked up and over my shoulder. “Were you lying to me? Why would you do that?”
Unsure of what he meant, I looked in the direction he was seeing. The tables I was removed from were still empty, and I glared at it. “No, that guy told me to take a hike.”
“Rude of him,” Becket responded. “Who would need that many seats?”
Our question was answered when a few students came in with paint and massive banners that were half-finished. Something about a dance coming up in the next couple weeks or whatever. I left this hellhole as soon as the last bell rang, so after school stuff wasn’t on my radar.
We went back to lunch, and it was wonderfully silent.
I didn’t feel it was necessary to say anything to my companion across the table, and I very much enjoyed that feeling. My place was in the background, fading away and going unseen. This boy probably wanted that too, given how he acted. He looked... sad. Did he know he was sad?
What did I say to him? I wanted to know why he was broken, and it wasn’t like I had a great skillset when it came to human interaction. What did boys like to talk about? I had no friggin’ clue, so I was a little screwed here.
So, I went with, “Naked girls are pretty great. Am I right?”
What. The. Fuck? This, this is why I’m dying a
lone.
Becket looked up at me slowly, cocking his head. “Hmm?”
I cleared my throat, wishing I were dead. My hand went to my lap, and my nails started digging into my thigh. “Just making conversation.”
“And that’s your opener?”
I shrugged, trying to play it cool. “I mean... yeah.”
He blinked at me. “Well, what would you like to talk about, since you seem to want a conversation?”
Tell me why your eyes are so hollow and so alert at the same time. “I don’t really have anything in mind. People are supposed to have conversations, right?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
Okay then, this would be a little tricky.
I removed my hand from my lap and glanced down when I noticed the stinging. Five little red marks colored my jeans but I ignored them. I knew how to get those kinds of stains out.
The boy looked at me funny, and his eyes flashed to my stained fingernails, which I put right back on my lap. “Do you like your soup?”
He exhaled, then stared at the food. “I didn’t know it was supposed to be soup. Is it legal to call it that? It has to be breaking some kind of moral code.”
I giggled because I couldn’t help it. My hands went to my mouth, trying to muffle it so I wouldn’t snort.
“What?” Becket asked me.
“What?” I repeated.
“You laughed.”
“Because you were funny...”
His dark eyebrows pushed together. “Was I?”
Oh no. Did he not understand, or did he not think it was all that funny? I guess he hadn’t been doing it on purpose, so I couldn’t hold that as a strike against him. I still couldn’t see what exactly was up with him. Odd, unaware but not stupid. Just quiet.
Fuck. The boy spent all his time alone, so whatever he was, was shaped by the few people he was around. I assumed his family because that was what made me... whatever the hell I was. Damaged, weird, weak. All of the above.