by Tahereh Mafi
“Why?” Kenji asks. “You have something in mind?”
“Oh,” I say. “No, I just . . .” I hesitate. “Well, Warner’s going to be here in an hour, so I wasn’t sure if—”
Something crashes in the kitchen. A bowl. In the sink. Silverware flying everywhere.
Adam steps into the living room.
His eyes.
“He’s not coming back here.” These, the first five words Adam says to me.
“But I already told him,” I try to say. “He’s going to—”
“This is my home,” he says, eyes flashing. “I won’t let him in here.”
I’m staring at Adam, heart beating out of my chest. I never thought he’d be capable of looking at me like he hates me. Really, really hates me.
“Kent, man—,” I hear Kenji say.
“NO.”
“C’mon bro, it doesn’t have to be like this—”
“If you want to see him so badly,” Adam says to me, “you can get the hell out of my house. But he’s not coming back here. Not ever.”
I blink.
This isn’t really happening.
“Where is she supposed to go?” Kenji says to him. “You want her to stand on the side of the street? So someone can report her and get her killed? Are you out of your mind?”
“I don’t give a shit anymore,” Adam says. “She can go do whatever the hell she wants.” He turns to me again. “You want to be with him?” He points to the door. “Go. Drop dead.”
Ice is eating away at my body.
I stumble to my feet. My legs are unsteady. I’m nodding and I don’t know why but I can’t seem to stop. I make my way to the door.
“Juliette—”
I spin around, even though it’s Kenji calling my name, not Adam.
“Don’t go anywhere,” Kenji says to me. “Don’t move. This is ridiculous.”
This has spiraled out of control. This isn’t just a fight anymore. There is pure, unadulterated hatred in Adam’s eyes, and I’m so blindsided by the impossibility of it—so thrown off guard—that I don’t know how to react. I never could’ve anticipated this—never could’ve imagined things could turn out this way.
The real Adam wouldn’t kick me out of his house like this. He wouldn’t talk to me like this. Not the Adam I know. The Adam I thought I knew.
“Kent,” Kenji says again, “you need to calm down. There is nothing going on between her and Warner, okay? She’s just trying to do what she thinks is right—”
“Bullshit!” Adam explodes. “That’s bullshit, and you know it, and you’re a jackass for denying it. She’s been lying to me this whole damn time—”
“You guys aren’t even together, man, you can’t lay a claim on her—”
“We never broke up!” Adam shouts.
“Of course you did,” Kenji snaps back. “Every single person at Point heard your melodramatic ass in the freaking tunnels. We all know you broke up. So stop fighting it.”
“That didn’t count as a breakup,” Adam says, his voice rough. “We still loved each other—”
“Okay, you know what? Whatever. I don’t care.” Kenji waves his hands, rolls his eyes. “But we’re in the middle of a war right now. For shit’s sake, she was shot in the chest a couple days ago and almost died. Don’t you think it’s possible she’s really trying to think of something bigger than just the two of you? Warner’s crazy, but he can help—”
“She looks at that psycho like she’s in love with him,” Adam barks back. “You think I don’t know what that look is? You think I wouldn’t be able to tell? She used to look at me like that. I know her—I know her so well—”
“Maybe you don’t.”
“Stop defending her!”
“You don’t even know what you’re saying,” Kenji tells him. “You’re acting crazy—”
“I was happier,” Adam says, “when I thought she was dead.”
“You don’t mean that. Don’t say things like that, man. Once you say that kind of shit you can’t take it back—”
“Oh, I mean it,” Adam says. “I really, really mean it.” He finally looks at me. Fists clenched. “Thinking you were dead,” he says to me, “was so much better. It hurt so much less than this.”
The walls are moving. I’m seeing spots, blinking at nothing.
This isn’t really happening, I keep telling myself.
This is just a terrible nightmare, and when I wake up Adam will be gentle and kind and wonderful again. Because he isn’t cruel like this. Not to me. Never to me.
“You, of all people,” Adam says to me. He looks so disgusted. “I trusted you—told you things I never should’ve told you—and now you’re going out of your way to throw it all back in my face. I can’t believe you’d do this to me. That you’d fall for him. What the hell is wrong with you?” he demands, his voice rising in pitch. “How sick in the head do you have to be?”
I’m so afraid to speak.
So afraid to move my lips.
I’m so scared that if I move even an inch, my body will snap in half and everyone will see that my insides are made up of nothing but all the tears I’m swallowing back right now.
Adam shakes his head. Laughs a sad, twisted laugh. “You won’t even deny it,” he says. “Unbelievable.”
“Leave her alone, Kent,” Kenji says suddenly, his voice deathly sharp. “I’m serious.”
“This is none of your business—”
“You’re being a dick—”
“You think I give a shit what you think?” Adam turns on him. “This isn’t your fight, Kenji. Just because she’s too much of a coward to say anything doesn’t mean you have to defend her—”
I feel like I’ve stepped outside of myself. Like my body has collapsed onto the floor and I’m looking on, watching as Adam transforms into a completely different human being. Every word. Every insult he hurls at me seems to fracture my bones. Pretty soon I’ll be nothing but blood and a beating heart.
“I’m leaving,” Adam is saying. “I’m leaving, and when I come back, I want her gone.”
Don’t cry, I keep saying to myself.
Don’t cry.
This isn’t real.
“You and me,” Adam is saying to me now, his voice so rough, so angry, “we’re done. We’re finished,” he snaps. “I never want to see you again. Not anywhere in this world, and definitely not in my own goddamn house.” He stares at me, chest heaving. “So get the hell out. Get out before I get back.”
He stalks across the room. Grabs a coat. Yanks the door open.
The walls shake as he slams it shut.
TWENTY-EIGHT
I’m standing in the middle of the room, staring at nothing.
I’m suddenly freezing. My hands, I think, are shaking. Or maybe it’s my bones. Maybe my bones are shaking. I move mechanically, so slowly, my mind still fuzzy. I’m vaguely aware that someone might be saying something to me, but I’m too focused on getting my coat because I’m so cold. It’s so cold in here. I really need my jacket. And maybe my gloves. I can’t stop shivering.
I pull my coat on. Shove my hands into the pockets. I feel like someone might be talking to me but I can’t hear anything through the weird haze muting my senses. I clench my fists and my fingers fumble against a piece of plastic.
The pager. I’d almost forgotten.
I pull it out of my pocket. It’s a tiny little thing; a thin, black rectangle with a button set flush against the length of it. I press it without thinking. I press it over and over and over again, because the action calms me. Soothes me, somehow. Click click. I like the repetitive motion. Click. Click click. I don’t know what else to do.
Click.
Hands land on my shoulders.
I turn around. Castle is standing just behind me, his eyes heavy with concern. “You’re not going to leave,” he says to me. “We’ll work things out. It’ll be all right.”
“No.” My tongue is dust. My teeth have crumbled away. “I have to go.”
Click.
Click click.
“Come sit down,” Castle is saying to me. “Adam is upset, but he’ll be okay. I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.”
“I’m pretty sure he did,” Ian says.
Castle shoots him a sharp look.
“You can’t leave,” says Winston. “I thought we were going to kick some ass together. You promised.”
“Yeah,” Lily pipes up, trying to sound upbeat. But her eyes are wary, pulled together in fear or concern and I realize she’s terrified for me.
Not of me.
For me.
It’s the strangest sensation.
Click click click.
Click click.
“If you go,” she’s saying, trying to smile, “we’ll have to live like this forever. And I don’t want to live with a bunch of smelly guys for the rest of my life.”
Click.
Click click.
“Don’t go,” James says. He looks so sad. So serious. “I’m sorry Adam was mean to you. But I don’t want you to die,” he says. “And I don’t wish you were dead. I swear I don’t.”
James. Sweet James. His eyes break my heart.
“I can’t stay.” My voice sounds strange to me. Broken. “He really meant what he said—”
“We’ll be a sad, sorry lot if you leave.” Brendan cuts me off. “And I have to agree with Lily. I don’t want to live like this for much longer.”
“But how—”
The front door flies open.
“JULIETTE—Juliette—”
I spin around.
Warner is standing there, face flushed, chest rising and falling, staring at me like I might be a ghost. He strides across the room before I have a chance to say a word and cups my face in his hands, his eyes searching me. “Are you okay?” he’s saying. “God—are you okay? What happened? Are you all right?”
He’s here.
He’s here and all I want to do is fall apart but I don’t.
I won’t.
“Thank you,” I manage to say to him. “Thank you for coming—”
He wraps me up in his arms, not caring about the eight sets of eyes watching us. He just holds me, one arm tight around my waist, the other held to the back of my head. My face is buried in his chest and the warmth of him is so familiar to me now. Oddly comforting. He runs his hand up and down my back, tilts his head toward mine. “What’s wrong, love?” he whispers. “What happened? Please tell me—”
I blink.
“Do you want me to take you back?”
I don’t answer.
I don’t know what I want or need to do anymore. Everyone is telling me to stay, but this isn’t their home. This is Adam’s home, and it’s so clear he hates me now. But I also don’t want to leave my friends. I don’t want to leave Kenji.
“Do you want me to leave?” Warner asks.
“No,” I say too quickly. “No.”
Warner leans back, just a little. “Tell me what you want,” he says desperately. “Tell me what to do,” he says, “and I’ll do it.”
“This is, by far, the craziest shit I have ever seen,” Kenji says. “I really never would’ve believed it. Not in a million years.”
“It’s like a soap opera.” Ian nods. “But with worse acting.”
“I think it’s kind of sweet,” Winston says.
I jerk back, half spinning around. Everyone is staring at us. Winston is the only one smiling.
“What’s going on?” Warner asks them. “Why does she look like she’s about to cry?”
No one answers.
“Where’s Kent?” Warner asks, eyes narrowing as he reads their faces. “What did he do to her?”
“He’s out,” Lily says. “He left a little bit ago.”
Warner’s eyes darken as he processes the information. He turns to me. “Please tell me you don’t want to stay here anymore.”
I drop my head into my hands. “Everyone wants to help—to fight—except for Adam. But they can’t leave. And I don’t want to leave them behind.”
Warner sighs. Closes his eyes. “Then stay,” he says gently. “If that’s what you want. Stay here. I can always meet you.”
“I can’t,” I tell him. “I have to go. I’m not allowed to come back here again.”
“What?” Anger. In and out of his eyes. “What do you mean you’re not allowed?”
“Adam doesn’t want me to stay here anymore. I have to be gone before he gets back.”
Warner’s jaw tightens. He stares at me for what feels like a century. I can almost see him thinking—his mind working at an impossible rate—to find a solution. “Okay,” he finally says. “Okay.” He exhales. “Kishimoto,” he says all at once, never breaking eye contact with me.
“Present, sir.”
Warner tries not to roll his eyes as he turns toward Kenji. “I will set up your group in my private training quarters on base. I will require a day to work out the details, but I will make sure you are granted easy access and clearance to enter the grounds upon arrival. You will make yourself and your team invisible and follow my lead. You are free to stay in these quarters until we are ready to proceed with the first stage of our plan.” A pause. “Will this arrangement work for you?”
Kenji actually looks disgusted. “Hell no.”
“Why not?”
“You’re going to lock us up in your ‘private training quarters’?” Kenji says, making air quotes with his fingers. “Why don’t you just say you’re going to put us in a cage and kill us slowly? You think I’m a moron? What reason would I have to believe that kind of shit?”
“I will make sure you are fed well and regularly,” Warner says by way of response. “Your accommodations will be simple, but they will not be simpler than this,” he says, gesturing to the room. “The arrangement will provide us ample opportunity to meet and structure our next moves. You must know that you’re putting everyone at risk by staying on unregulated territory. You and your friends will be safer with me.”
“Why would you do that, though?” Ian asks. “Why would you want to help us and feed us and keep us alive? That doesn’t make any sense—”
“It doesn’t need to make sense.”
“Of course it does,” Lily counters. Her eyes are hard, angry. “We’re not going to walk onto a military base just to get ourselves killed,” she snaps. “This could be some sick trick.”
“Fine,” Warner says.
“Fine, what?” Lily asks.
“Don’t come.”
“Oh.” Lily blinks.
Warner turns to Kenji. “You are officially refusing my offer, then?”
“Yeah, no thanks,” Kenji says.
Warner nods. Looks to me. “Should we get going?”
“But—no—” I’m panicking now, looking from Warner to Kenji and back to Warner again. “I can’t just leave—I can’t just never see them again—”
I turn to Kenji.
“You’re just going to stay here?” I ask. “And I’ll never see you again?”
“You can stay here with us.” Kenji crosses his arms against his chest. “You don’t have to go.”
“You know I can’t stay,” I tell him, angry and hurt. “You know Adam meant what he said—he’ll go crazy if he comes back and I’m still here—”
“So you’re just going to leave, then?” Kenji says sharply. “You’re going to walk away from all of us”—he gestures to everyone—“just because Adam decided to be a douchebag? You’re trading all of us in for Warner?”
“Kenji—I’m not—I have nowhere else to live! What am I supposed to—”
“Stay.”
“Adam will throw me out—”
“No he won’t,” Kenji says. “We won’t let him.”
“I won’t force myself on him. I won’t beg him. Let me at least leave with a shred of dignity—”
Kenji throws his arms in the air in frustration. “This is bullsh
it!”
“Come with me,” I say to him. “Please—I want us to stay together—”
“We can’t,” he says. “We can’t risk that, J. I don’t know what’s going on between you two,” he says, gesturing between me and Warner. “Maybe he really is different with you, I don’t know, whatever—but I can’t put all of our lives at risk based on emotions and an assumption. Maybe he cares about you,” Kenji says, “but he doesn’t give a shit about the rest of us.” He looks at Warner. “Do you?”
“Do I what?” Warner asks.
“Do you care about any of us? About our survival—our well-being?”
“No.”
Kenji almost laughs. “Well at least you’re honest.”
“My offer, however, still stands. And you’re an idiot to refuse,” Warner says. “You’ll all die out here, and you know that better than I do.”
“We’ll take our chances.”
“No,” I gasp. “Kenji—”
“It’ll be all right,” he says to me. His forehead is pinched, his eyes heavy. “I’m sure we’ll find a way to see each other one day. Do what you need to do.”
“No,” I’m trying to say. Trying to breathe. My lungs are swelling up, my heart racing so fast I can hear it pounding in my ears. I’m feeling hot and cold and too hot, too cold, and all I can think is no, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this, it wasn’t all supposed to fall apart, not again not again—
Warner grabs my arms. “Please,” he’s saying, his voice urgent, panicked. “Please don’t do that, love, I need you not to do that—”
“Dammit, Kenji!” I explode, breaking away from Warner. “Please, for the love of God, don’t be an idiot. You have to come with me—I need you—”
“I need some kind of guarantee, J”—Kenji is pacing, hands in his hair—“I can’t just trust that everything is going to be all right—”
I turn on Warner, chest heaving, fists clenched. “Give them what they want. I don’t care what it is,” I say to him. “Please, you have to negotiate. You have to make this work. I need him. I need my friends.”
Warner looks at me for a long time.
“Please,” I whisper.
He looks away. Looks back at me.
He finally meets Kenji’s eyes. Sighs. “What do you want?”