Expecting You

by Claire Cullen

  “Ahoy, there,” Zac greeted, wearing a captain’s hat and a patch over his eye. “Welcome to the pirate ship Treasure Seeker. I’m Zackie, the first mate.”

  Luca giggled, squirming to get out of Beckett’s arms. He accepted the hat Zac set on his head with a squeal of glee and threw himself down onto the cushions.

  Zac looked to Beckett, his eyes twinkling as he held out another hat. “Every good pirate ship needs a captain.”

  He accepted the hat with a grin, settling it on his head.

  “We’ve got treasure to find, Master Luca,” Zac said, sinking down onto the floor next to him. They stretched out on their bellies. “Where will we look first?”

  It soon transpired that the nooks and crannies Zac had built were all drawn with colorful precision onto a treasure map. The three of them spent a long time looking at the map and crawling around the room in search of treasure. Each treasure was a snack that they coaxed Luca into eating, and a little toy to add to his bounty. When he was tired, he just lay down where he was, hugging a stuffed toy parrot to his chest as he drifted to sleep.

  “You’re amazing,” Beckett whispered to Zac, setting his hat down on a cushion. “He’s not going to remember today as his first day of treatment, he’s going to remember it as the day he became a pirate.”

  “What kid wouldn’t want to be a pirate?” Zac asked with a grin. “We’ll keep the theme going for the rest of the week. Tomorrow, a friend of mine is bringing his pet parrot to visit. I thought we could dig for treasure in the sandpit on Wednesday, and play walk the plank on Thursday.”

  The afternoon schedule was reading stories and watching a movie. Just the thing for a tired kid. Beckett snuck off and got a few hours’ work done, returning to join them for dinner. He found Luca struggling to stay awake, which wasn’t surprising. Between the two of them, they coaxed a few mouthfuls of food into him, and then Beckett carried him to bed. Zac came with them, turning down the bedspread and helping Beckett get Luca out of his clothes. The monitor was already set up on the nightstand.

  They crept out into the hallway and closed over the door.

  “I could listen for him tonight, if you want?” Zac offered, leaning close to whisper to him. “I can stay next door, in the guest room.”

  “Thank you but, this being his first night and all, I’d prefer to do it myself.”

  He’d check on Luca a few times during the night, and the monitor would alert him if Luca woke otherwise.

  “Of course. But call me if you need me, no matter the time.”

  “Thanks, Zac. You know, I was really expecting today to be a nightmare. First days always are. But it wasn’t. In fact, I think it might have been one of the best days we’ve ever had. And that’s saying something. So, thank you, again. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

  He settled a hand on Zac’s shoulder, feeling the warmth of the omega’s skin beneath his T-shirt. They stared at one another, their eyes bright in the twilight, and then they were leaning in, pressing their lips together. The kiss was sweet and soft, and Beckett didn’t want it to end. But a cold feeling washed over him, and Zac tensed. They pulled apart at the same time, staring at each other with matching expressions of horror.

  “I’m so sorry,” Zac burst out in a hushed whisper. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  “No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I got carried away in the moment. It’s my fault.”

  “No, it’s mine. I shouldn’t have…”

  They lapsed into an awkward silence.

  “How about we chalk it down to a difficult day, move on, and pretend it never happened?”

  Beckett wasn’t about to let an impulse ruin what was the best thing to happen to him and Luca in months.

  “I think that would be for the best,” Zac agreed.

  The omega bit his lip nervously, which only served to draw Beckett’s attention to his mouth again. He groaned inwardly and forced his gaze away.

  “Goodnight, Zac. Thank you again for today.”

  “Goodnight, Beckett. You’re very welcome.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Zac felt his cheeks burn every time he thought about the kiss he’d shared with Beckett. What a disaster. He was lucky he wasn’t fired. But it was worse than just a kiss: he was on the verge of breaking the first rule of nannying. The one written in capital letters and underlined in red pen. Never fall for your employer. Beckett might have been single, but that didn’t mean no one would get hurt. He blamed the baby hormones. That was the only reason he could think of that had led him to do something so foolish as lock lips with the handsome alpha.

  Every time his mind wandered back to the kiss, which was far more often than it should, he flooded with emotion. If it was just embarrassment, he’d have accepted it, but it was more than that. He tried a cold shower and making himself do mundane things like times tables when his mind tried to zero in on the alpha and their kiss. Mostly, he just focused on doing his job. Luca was what mattered in this equation. The little boy needed him, not as his father’s love interest, but as their nanny.

  The rest of Luca’s week of preparation for his treatment went smoothly, though his visit with his grandma on Friday wound up being cut short. Beckett had three back-to-back client meetings on Saturday morning, so Zac and Luca spent the morning together. The weather was nice, and Luca’s energy had rebounded, so they spent time out in the garden, enjoying the sunshine.

  Zac noticed that Luca seemed very attuned to anything that moved: birds, leaves in the breeze, insects, but it was only after a while that he noticed Luca wasn’t just looking—he was stalking. He watched with bemusement, a little bewildered by Luca’s behavior, until he saw the skin of Luca’s back ripple beneath his T-shirt. Uh-oh.

  He jogged across the garden to him.

  “Luca, come have some juice.” They needed a distraction, stat.

  Luca spun around, his expression eager at the mention of juice, when he stopped and looked down at his arm in puzzlement. Zac saw the telltale ripple again, and Luca let out a startled cry and hugged his arm close to his chest.

  Zac was by his side in an instant, taking Luca into his arms.

  “It’s okay, baby. You’re okay.”

  “My arm hurts.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  He ran his hand lightly over Luca’s arm, which was still pressed against his chest. The muscles were tightly bunched and spasming.

  With care, he eased Luca’s arm away from his body and rubbed his hand briskly up and down it, trying to distract from the unpleasant sensations Luca was experiencing. Luca was making soft whimpering noises, one hand clinging to Zac’s shirt. He felt Luca tense further, and then his legs went from under him. Zac caught him before he could hit the ground, lifting Luca into his arms.

  “Let’s get you inside now. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

  “Want Daddy.”

  “I’m going to call him right now.”

  Knowing it would be better to get Luca into the house first, he carried him to his room and pulled out his phone to make the call. He stuck the call on speaker and tossed the phone onto the bed. He’d need both hands to care for Luca.

  “Zac? Something wrong?”

  Beckett’s slightly breathless voice was there a few moments later.

  “We need you to come home. Luca’s having pre-shift spasms. They’re pretty bad.”

  “Damn. I’m on my way. Can you tell how close he is to shifting?”

  “Probably hours, or even a day away. It’s mostly limb spasms so far. I have some training in children’s massage…”

  “Anything you can do to help,” Beckett said. “I’ll be home as soon as I can. Should we try to stop this? I know there are abortive medications.”

  “They don’t dole those out to kids for a reason. You could call Dr. Khalid?”

  “I’ll do that right now. Talk to you soon.”

  He was gone, and Zac busied himself getting what he needed.

  “Luca? Whe
re hurts worst, sweetheart?”

  The toddler blinked up at him with tearful brown eyes before holding out his arm.

  “I’d like to help make you feel better, okay? Can I try?”

  He didn’t want Luca’s clothes to get covered in oil, so he put down a towel and undressed him to his underwear.

  “I’ve got magic hands, Luca. Want to see?”

  The little boy nodded eagerly as Zac started up a gentle massage of the tense muscles of his arm. Starting at Luca’s shoulder, he worked his way slowly down, moving Luca around as he did. At first, Luca squirmed and whimpered, but he quickly settled, his breathing slowing down. He could feel the muscles losing some of their stiffness as he worked. Moving from arm to leg, he started again, with careful concentration. By the time he reached Luca’s feet, the little boy was more asleep than awake. He giggled drowsily when Zac’s fingers gently massaged the sole of his foot.

  “Tickles, huh?”

  “Uh-huh. Daddy home?”

  Before Zac could answer, Beckett spoke from the doorway.

  “Daddy’s right here, kiddo.”

  He sat down on the side of the bed, leaning down to kiss Luca’s forehead.

  “Feeling better?”

  Luca nodded. “Zac chased the bad stings away.”

  “Did he? Isn’t he the best? You look done in, buddy. Time for a nap, huh?”

  Luca yawned in answer, and Beckett grabbed a blanket, settling it over him. He stroked a hand through Luca’s hair until he’d drifted to sleep.

  “Life’s never easy for him,” the alpha said softly. “This, he could really do without. He starts treatment in two days.”

  “Shifting is a sign of strength. If his ability to change is recovering, that’s a good thing.”

  “It just takes so much out of him. He can barely eat enough to keep up with his needs right now. How is he going to manage if he’s shifting form too? Besides, all this pain will be for nothing. He might even lose the ability again before he properly shifts.”

  Zac ran a hand down Luca’s back. “His shifter animal is very close to the surface. I’d guess he’ll change by tomorrow afternoon.”

  “Well, if he does, we’ll just have to help him through it. Dr. Khalid says they only suppress if there’s an immediate risk to life. The meds are too dangerous.”

  Beckett sounded so negative that Zac was reluctant to say much, but he felt it was wrong to let the alpha’s misconceptions go unchallenged.

  “Shifting is a net positive for kids. It causes improvements across the board: physically, mentally, psychologically.”

  “Tell that to Luca who’s just had his morning ruined.”

  “Kids learn by example. Their behavior, their attitudes. In a family of active shifters, kids undergoing treatments like chemo never stop shifting. And they have higher survival rates as a result. Encouraging Luca to change form might help him get through this.”

  Beckett faltered. “That can’t be right. Dr. Khalid, all the support groups, they said losing the ability to shift is normal.”

  “Common doesn’t mean normal. They might stop shifting because it’s expected of them. Because they’re sick, right? And we tell them sick kids are too weak to shift. Self-fulfilling prophecy.”

  Beckett sounded less sure of himself as the conversation dragged on, though there was some heat in his voice when he replied, “I think I should take the word of Luca’s doctor over—”

  “Of course,” Zac said soothingly. “His job is to prepare you for what to expect. That doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing. I can send you those studies if you want to have a look at them. I know it’s hard to see it right now, but if Luca is actively shifting before his treatment starts, and we can keep it up throughout, it could really help him get through this.”

  Beckett held his gaze.

  “Do you really believe that? This isn’t just some naturopathic quack telling you this?”

  “I don’t listen to quacks. There are multiple, peer-reviewed papers from well-respected hospitals, universities, and physicians. I did a lit review on it. It was the topic I planned to choose for my dissertation.”

  Zac didn’t react to the surprise on Beckett’s face. Very few people expected nannies to pursue further education. A lot of people saw it as a calling. For omegas, it often was. They took care of other people’s kids until it was time to have some of their own.

  “I’ll take a look at them,” Beckett promised warmly. “Do you really think it could help?”

  “It can. You’re right, though, we’ll have to work in extra calories to counteract the energy the shift takes. But shifting also increases appetite, so it should balance out. He might even gain some weight.”

  Beckett looked torn between hopeful and skeptical as he headed to his office to finish up his work for the morning. Zac stayed with Luca, finding the papers in his email, and sending them on. When Luca seemed settled, he took the monitor with him to the kitchen while he prepared lunch.

  While he was tossing the salad and checking on the toasted cheese to make sure it didn’t burn, he heard Beckett enter Luca’s room, the two of them having a murmured conversation. Footsteps came his way, and he turned to greet them as Beckett carried a sleepy Luca into the kitchen.

  “I made your favorite, Luca. Grilled cheese and cherry tomatoes.”

  The little boy loved to pop the tomatoes between his teeth.

  “Yummy.”

  “Very yummy,” Beckett agreed.

  They sat down at the table together, Luca yawning widely but perking up when a glass of juice was set down in front of him.

  “I read those papers,” Beckett said softly while Luca was busy sticking stringy pieces of cheese into his mouth. “They were very… encouraging.”

  “I’m glad you think so.”

  “There is one thing I didn’t quite understand. They spoke a lot about stimulating a child to shift, but none of them explained what that actually meant. How do we do that?”

  Zac took a drink of his water before replying.

  “It’s no one thing. Encouraging a child to shift is about creating a positive mindset toward shifting and an environment that promotes it. But also showing by example. Kids shift when they’re in close proximity to other people who change form.”

  “Does that mean you could…”

  “I’d be happy to,” Zac offered. “If you feel comfortable with that. What about you?”

  Beckett regarded him with a frown. “What about me? We already talked about this. My shifter animal is dormant.”

  Zac hid a smile. “And I think dormancy is psychosomatic. It’s not that you can’t, it’s that you believe you can’t.”

  “Works out to the same thing, doesn’t it?” Beckett said tightly.

  They were working hard to keep their tones light since little ears were listening in.

  “Of course not. If it’s only a belief, then it means you can shift, but you won’t. Sure, my shifting will do something to help Luca, but if you change form with him… that’s a whole other level of encouragement.”

  Beckett’s expression went from anger to contemplation to doubt.

  “Zac, I really don’t think I can. Believe me, I’d do anything to help Luca, you know I would. But this is not a choice I’m making.”

  “Maybe it’s a choice someone else made for you,” Zac suggested softly. “Like your parents.”

  Beckett shook his head. “If I could shift, I would. That’s the bottom line.”

  “All I’m asking you to do is try.”

  “More juice!” Luca piped up suddenly, banging his cup on the table.

  “That is not how we ask for juice, is it, young man?” Beckett said, pretending to be stern, though Zac could see the smile on his face.

  Luca frowned in thought, his lower lip sticking out in a pout. “More juice, please?”

  “Of course, sweetheart,” Zac said. “Thank you for asking so nicely.”

  Luca beamed at them, pleased with himself.

&nbs
p; When Zac returned to the table, Beckett was staring off into the distance, deep in thought, his half-eaten sandwich forgotten. Maybe Zac had pushed the alpha too hard. He wanted what was best for Luca, they both did, but Beckett was fragile in his own way. Zac needed to keep all their heads above water.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Late Saturday evening, Beckett set aside what Zac had told him about shifting, deciding to sleep on it. His night was plagued with dreams, and he tossed and turned, restless despite his exhaustion. His parents took center stage in his dreams, their words repeating over and over again in his head.

  “Children shift. Young men do not. It’s a childish habit, and you will grow out of it.”

  He woke with a groan just after seven, his father’s voice ringing in his ears. His mother had been the shifter and had grown out of it early, just after turning twelve. A fact that was constantly thrown in his face growing up. His father had always regarded the ability to shift with distaste, seeing it as something uncouth, that the lower classes engaged in. Not something his son and heir should display.

  Beckett had tried to hide it as soon as he learned how, but it wasn’t always that easy. Sometimes he shifted in his sleep, and there was no way to disguise torn clothes and sheets and the occasional ruined mattress. But as he grew older, it got easier, until he was certain he’d left it behind in childhood, able to meet his father’s scrutinizing gaze with a clear conscience.

  He’d been determined that he’d never treat his own son like that, but now he wondered. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d never consciously discouraged Luca from shifting. But what if he’d been doing it unconsciously? There were definitely times when he could have encouraged Luca and hadn’t. Times he’d been more worried about other people and what they might think when they were out in public, or around friends and family. If Zac was right—about any of it, about all of it—then Beckett had a lot to atone for.