“You know, it’s okay if you’re getting cold feet,” Nora continued when I didn’t respond. “Completely normal to feel that the night before your wedding. But trust me when I say all that will be gone when you wake up in the morning and realize it’s your wedding day, that it’s the day you promise your forever to the man you love, and he promises his forever to you.”
She reached over, squeezing Glen’s hand. He was talking to Emery’s father, but he squeezed her hand in return without even knowing what she’d said.
They were still the most beautiful team.
I wondered what it would have been like if my parents had been the same.
“Did I just hear someone say cold feet?” Emery asked.
The way the fire illuminated him from where he towered over me made me lose my breath. It was the same effect he’d had on me that first day we’d met at the diner, when he’d walked through the door and made time stop. His sandy blond hair was a little longer now, still tussled in the effortless manner it always had been — like he’d just run his hands through it in the most nonchalant way. I knew every hard line of his face now — that jaw, that nose with the slight bend at the top. And even in the darkness, his honey eyes sparkled and glowed, only now, there wasn’t emptiness behind them.
There was love.
He reached for my hand when I didn’t answer, pulling me up and laying a kiss on me so quick I barely registered it before he was in my seat and I was in his lap, laughing.
“You have your own chair, you know,” I said, resting my hands on his chest.
He kissed my nose, his eyes a little glossy from the beers he’d been drinking with everyone that night. I was the only one not partaking, which had always been my preference, but I never minded when Emery got a buzz.
If anything, he was even cuter when he got a little inebriated.
“I do,” he agreed. “But, it’s much easier to check the temperature of your tootsies from this position.”
Before I could argue, he reached down and tugged the boot off my non-prosthetic foot. I giggled and writhed in his grip as he reached under the sock, pressing his fingertips against the arch of my foot.
“Your hands are the only thing that’s cold!” I said, still swatting at him as I struggled to catch my breath through the laughter.
He laughed, too, replacing my boot with tender care before he wrapped me up in his arms. “Just checking.”
I shook my head, still smiling as I rested my head on his chest. He wrapped me up even tighter, chiming in on the conversation Tammy had started about tarot cards. He was still so averse to believing in anything that science couldn’t prove, but I knew there was a little part of him that wondered now. When I saw him on his mat, when I saw him close his eyes and press his hands together at heart center, I could feel it.
He believed in something.
And even if that something was just himself, and living, that was good enough for me.
I let him do the talking, falling back into my silence as the fire died down. It was getting late, and soon, we’d all retreat to our own tents for the evening, and I’d fall asleep in the same arms that held me now.
For the last time as fiancés.
My stomach dropped, and not in the way I knew it should have as that thought passed through me. I shifted a little to ease the discomfort, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Nora still watching me. I wondered if she saw it, what I couldn’t.
I wondered if she knew that instead of feeling excited the night before my wedding, I felt completely and absolutely paralyzed by fear.
And that I had no idea why.
Angel’s Landing was a five-mile hike — two and a half up to the top, two and a half back down to the start — and was one of the most renowned hikes in the world. Emery and I had added it to our bucket list the summer we visited Zion, and when we decided we’d hike it for the first time on our wedding day, I was nothing short of thrilled.
I knew it would be strenuous. I’d read about the steep inclines, the ominous switchbacks from hell, the deathly drop off in the final stretch where you would cling to chains and shimmy your way up the rest of the cliff. But in that moment, when we were making plans, none of that mattered.
All that mattered was that I’d get to marry the man I loved once we hit the top.
Still, I should have known that one of my dearest friends in the world, Tammy, would not be so happy about our choice.
“I just… want… you to know…” she said between pants. “That even though… I love you… I really… really… hate you… right now.”
We had just rounded the first set of steep switchbacks, leveling off into a shaded walk alongside the cliff known as “Refrigerator Canyon.” It was cooler than the hike up the canyon had been, with a gorgeous view of the trees stretching out before us. We still had the famous “Walter’s Wiggles” switchbacks to tackle before we’d even make it to Scout’s Landing. And that was where the real fun would begin, because once we made it there, we’d start to trek up the narrow canyon where only your own hand gripping a chain kept you from tumbling off the edge should you misstep.
I chuckled through my own discomfort, trying to hide how badly my leg was hurting me. The inclines were steep, and since the trail was mostly paved, there was no give of the earth to help the shock on my prosthetic. We weren’t even what I would consider halfway through, and I was struggling.
“Just wait until you see the view at the top, Tammy. It’ll be worth it.”
She chuffed. “Listen, missy. The only reason I’m doing this is to see your happy little ass get married. You can bet every dollar you own that I’ll never hike again after this.”
“Ah, don’t be such a grump, Tammy,” Lily chimed in, easily brushing past Tammy and me. She had always been fit and active, and she seemed to have only broken a light sheen of sweat in our first hike of switchbacks. “Look around you! This park is magical, like stepping back in time to when dinosaurs were here.”
“Or being on another planet completely,” Emery’s mother said from the back of the pack. She was taking it slow, just like Tammy and I, but she was much cheerier in spirit.
Emery’s mom appeared to me to be the light to balance out the dark in her husband, Emery’s father, who — even though his son was doing much better than he had been when he left home — still didn’t seem to understand depression or Emery’s life choices of being a yoga instructor. He’d been relatively quiet each time I’d been around them, with Emery’s mom carrying the conversation. And even now, on the day of his son’s wedding, he seemed about as thrilled as Tammy was to be on that hike with us.
But I loved to look at them — Emery’s parents. I loved to trace their features, look for clues as to what Emery got from each of them. He had his mother’s hazel eyes, his father’s strong jaw and prominent nose. Whether they agreed with our life choices or not, they were here, and they were the ones who brought my husband to life.
As my stomach twisted just as violently as it had the night before, I groaned, slowing my step.
A vision of my own parents flashed in my eyes — Dad draining a bottle of vodka at the card table we used as our kitchen one, Mom sprawled out on the couch, either asleep or high, I never knew which. I couldn’t imagine their wedding day, couldn’t imagine a time when they were in love. I couldn’t imagine them being here, with me, on my wedding day, and yet, it killed me that they weren’t.
Dad hadn’t received the invitation. It had been sent back to us, the address I had for him no longer his.
And Mom had died just six months after Emery and I got to Seattle.
“You alright?” Joanne asked as she caught up to me. She was one of the students Emery had invited, along with her husband, Patrick. Joanne had struggled with depression most of her life, and she and Patrick had been in the worst time of their relationship when they went to their first class with Emery.
They said he changed their lives.
They’ve practiced yoga and medit
ation with him for over a year now, and become two of our closest friends in our time spent together outside of the studio. And with her hand on my shoulder, I realized they were my family. Them, and Tammy, and Lily, and Nora and Glen. Soon, Emery’s parents would be my family, too.
But that didn’t change the fact that something felt off.
“I’m okay. Just… taking it easy,” I offered with as much of a smile as I could muster, nodding to my leg.
She smiled in understanding. “Take your time, there’s no rush.”
Kalo lapped at my leg with her floppy tongue, her eyes wide as she panted and weaved in and out of us. Dogs weren’t normally allowed on the trails in Zion National Park, but we’d requested a special permit to have her there for our wedding. It wouldn’t have been our wedding without her there — crossed eyes and all.
Her leash was in my future husband’s hand, who watched me carefully from a distance, as if he sensed that something was off and didn’t know how to approach me about it.
I wished he would. I wished he wouldn’t.
I didn’t know what I wanted or needed in that moment at all.
Everyone talked and laughed as we made our way through the cool and shady canyon. I listened without chiming in, trying to school my breathing, to calm my anxious heart. It was such a foreign feeling to me, the uneasiness. I was always positive, full of light, nothing but a bundle of sunshine.
And today, on my wedding day, I hadn’t said more than ten words.
I glanced down at the gemstones on my white tank top, the ones that spelled out bride in cursive letters. They shimmered in the rays of sunlight that reached us through the breaks in the canyon, and when we rounded the corner that led to the next set of switchbacks, all the gemstones lit up in a brilliant display.
My wedding dress was carefully folded in the bag Tammy carried on her back. My custom fit wedges were in Lily’s, along with the makeup she’d use to finish off my bridal look at the top. Our people were here. My dog was even here. The weather was perfect, sunny with a few passing clouds and a cool breeze to sweep through the mid-eighty-degree temperature from time to time.
It was the most perfect day.
And I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
My chest tightened as we started up the wiggles, Tammy making more jokes about hating me with each loop we made. I smiled from time to time, but kept my focus on my feet.
One step, two. Three steps, four.
My heart beat erratically inside my chest, and I didn’t know if it was from the climb or from the unfamiliar sense of dread washing over me with every step we took. My leg ached, sweat beaded at my hairline, and every few feet, someone else would ask me if I was okay.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” — Joanne
“Anything I can get you, sweetie?” — Nora
“Just because I hate you right now doesn’t mean I won’t go to battle for you. You doing okay, kid?” — Tammy
“Talk to me, bestie.” — Lily
By the time we got to the top of the switchbacks, to the famous Scout’s Landing, my fuse was nothing more than the tip of a toothpick. I couldn’t slow my breathing, couldn’t calm my heart, couldn’t figure out the answer to why I kept telling everyone I was fine when I knew I wasn’t.
It was all too much, and when I tripped over a rock, hitting it with the boot strapped onto my prosthetic leg before I lost my footing and tumbled down to the dirt, I broke.
“Damn it!” I screamed, wrapping both hands over where my prosthetic connected to what was left of my leg. It was zinging from the impact, shaking my bones all the way up to my neck.
Everyone rushed back to me, but I held up a hand to wave them off.
“Don’t. I’m fine.”
“Coop…” Tammy said, her voice soft with pity.
“JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!” I screamed back, and my eyes bubbled with tears before I knew how to stop them. I sniffed them back, shaking my head before I tucked both knees into my chest and buried my face in my arms. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t pick myself up, couldn’t take another step.
I was completely immobile in that moment.
“Why don’t you guys go on ahead of us,” I heard Emery say through the uncomfortable silence. I heard him shifting, handing stuff to someone — including Kalo’s leash, I imagined, since the sound of her trotting away filled the silence next. For the next few minutes, I just listened to the sound of everyone’s boots shuffling away and toward the chains, to the sound of Emery kneeling next to me. When it was quiet again, I lifted my head just enough to peek through my damp lashes, and when I saw Emery’s face, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
His brows were bent together, a sadness I hadn’t seen in years clouding his golden eyes. He chewed his lip, watching me for a long moment before he let out a breath.
“Well,” he said, clearing his throat. “I guess my cold feet check was wrong last night, huh?”
I whimpered, shaking my head as I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes. “No. No, I promise. My feet are the warmest they’ve ever been.”
“Clearly.”
I sighed, letting my hands flop down to my thighs. “I don’t know what’s wrong, Emery. I’ve been so excited for this weekend, for this day, and then something happened last night and I…” My voice faded, tears blurring my vision again. “My mind was racing, but not making sense. My chest was tight. I thought maybe it was just butterflies, that it would all go away this morning like Nora said. But it didn’t. If anything, it’s worse.” My face twisted as I fought back more tears. “And the worst part is that I can’t explain it, what I’m feeling. I don’t understand it. I feel crazy.”
Emery reached for me just as two more tears slipped free, rolling down my hot cheeks. He pulled me into him, wrapping me up tight, his lips pressing to my forehead, my hair, before he rested his cheek on top of my head.
“You’re not crazy, Little Penny,” he spoke softly. “It’s okay to not always understand the way you’re feeling. Remember how bad my off days used to be? How I would be so miserable and have no real reason as to why I felt that way?”
I nodded, clinging to his shirt with both fists.
“Sometimes our body reacts to our feelings before we have time to logically break them down. But, you know what has helped me?”
“Meditation and yoga.”
He nodded. “Yes, but there was something else.”
“What?”
Emery pulled back, sweeping his thumb over my cheeks to dry them. “Talking to you.”
I sniffed, eyes searching his. “Really?”
“Really.” He smiled. “When I open up to you, even when it’s scary or I’m not sure what I’m saying, you make me feel understood. And accepted. And that’s the best feeling in the world.” He paused. “It’s a feeling I never knew before you came into my life.”
My shoulders sagged, and as my bottom lip trembled, he pulled me into him again with a soft chuckle.
“I didn’t say that to make you cry,” he said, still laughing lightly. “I said that because I thought maybe you could talk to me. It doesn’t even have to make sense. Just… tell me what’s on your mind.”
“My leg hurts.”
He chuckled softly, reaching down to massage where my prosthetic met my leg. I groaned, the firm touch of his hands on the sore muscle soothing me instantly.
“Now,” he said, still massaging. “What’s on your mind?”
I blew out a breath, sniffling as I nuzzled into his chest. His shirt was a little damp from the hike, his natural scent mixing with the cologne he’d sprayed that morning. That combination already comforted me more than he knew, because that smell was the same one that hugged his side of the bed, that filtered out from his side of the closet when I opened the door.
“I don’t know,” I finally murmured, trying to sort through it. “There’s nothing I want in this world more than to be with you forever. But…”
“You’re scared.”
My lip quivered and I nodded, tugging his shirt to pull him closer. “I keep thinking about my parents.”
He stiffened a little at that, and I knew it wasn’t because he was worried about my leaving him at the altar, but because he absolutely loathed my parents for the way they’d treated me growing up. He resented them, even though he didn’t know them.
And he also thanked them, because they were part of the journey that led me to him.
“Let’s talk more about that,” he said after a moment, continuing his massage. “What are you thinking about regarding them, specifically?”
That question was harder to answer.
“They were the only marriage I saw in real life for the longest time,” I said, voice softer. “And their marriage wasn’t full of love. It was full of… everything but. I looked up to Lily’s parents, and then they got divorced. I met Tammy and she told me all about how her ex-husband beat her.” I swallowed. “It’s just like you said when we were on our road trip. Do you remember?”
He was silent, methodically rubbing my leg and letting me do all the talking.
“You asked me if I knew a single couple who was happy, and I didn’t. You and me? We’re happy… now. But like you said back then, what if we start hating it? What if we get married and you hate sleeping in the same bed with me, or I start asking you what your five-year plan is. I mean, I don’t care about that right now but what if I do one day?” I held my hand up in a what then gesture before letting it fall to my lap again. “Then I’ll just drive you away and you’ll leave me and I’ll be alone and heartbroken and we’ll both be worse off. Love is fleeting in every single person’s life around me.” I shook my head. “Why would we be any different?”
My stomach twisted violently once the words were out of my mouth. It was like finally saying them out loud, finally bringing those thoughts I’d been having to life made them more real than when they were in my head. My chest tightened, eyes watering as I waited for him to say something.
Emery inhaled a long breath, letting it go through his nose before he dropped his hold on my legs, and turned until I was cradled in his arms, our noses just inches apart. “Well, first of all, you should know by now that I’m an idiot and you shouldn’t listen to me.”
Summer Romance Boxset - Weightless, Revelry, On the Way to You Page 89