by Laura Kaye
Her first instinct had been to go to Jesse and celebrate with him.
But she couldn’t.
And not sharing it with him made her realize there was a hole in her life—a Jesse-shaped hole. Being willing to fight her fears didn’t get rid of all their challenges, but she was ready to try, to at least explore if they could be together. More than that, realizing that her first instinct was to go to Jesse made her realize that they also couldn’t go back to being just friends—because she didn’t feel just friendly about him.
What exactly she felt, she wasn’t sure. But there were feelings there. Oh hell yes, there were. Yet she’d chased away the man those emotions were blooming toward without even realizing she was feeling them.
Because her fear had blocked everything else out like a storm cloud over the freaking sun.
The cumulative effect of all of these too-late revelations was that she felt utterly alone, even though she was sitting across the same table from Jesse. Maybe even because he was here. His presence should’ve made her happy—and it was good to see him, always—but what Jesse being here most did was hold up in front of Tara the amazing possibility she’d thrown away.
And, oh, God, on top of it all, he’d thought that he wasn’t worth her fighting her fears for. When, without him, she might never have realized that she was stronger than her fears ever were.
Or, at least, she could be. If only she was as brave as he believed her to be.
So tell him you were wrong.
Tara peered across the table at him. He was laughing at some story Sean and Jud were telling, his demeanor open, easy, engaged. God, he was sexy and interesting and so freaking gorgeous.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse caught her looking. He did a doubletake, his brow cranking down as if in question. And all that open easiness bled right out of his expression. Finally, he looked away.
She had to tell him. Tonight. After dinner.
Having decided that, Tara was beyond happy when it finally wrapped up.
“You okay?” Dani asked when they’d all gotten up from the table.
Tara knew she hadn’t been herself throughout the meal, but she just hadn’t been able to help it. Through the first half she’d been all stuck in her own head, and through the second, she’d been too eager to get the hell out of there. “Yeah, just have some things on my mind.” She waved a hand. “Work stuff.”
“Well, if you need to talk, give me a call, okay? I know our schedules don’t always jive, but we could go to dinner or a movie or something.”
Smiling, Tara nodded. “I’d like that, Dani.”
They spilled out of the restaurant into the chilly March night air, and everyone called out good-byes as they scattered for their cars. “Okay, I’ll text you my schedule and let’s set something up.”
“Perfect,” Tara said, truly looking forward to getting to know Dani even better. Clearly, Tara needed to make more of an effort to build a community for herself.
Which brought her thoughts back to Jesse. Scanning the parking lot, she saw him at the far side getting into his Jeep. His lights came on as he started it up.
Damnit!
She’d wanted to talk to him, but he’d beelined out of there like he was escaping enemy waters. Tara’s shoulders sagged as she got into her own car, backed out, and pulled into the street.
Which was when she realized Jesse was two cars ahead of her, waiting at the light. It wasn’t like she didn’t know where he lived…
She might’ve felt like a bit of a creeper following him across town if he hadn’t been going the exact same way she was, especially when she floored it on a yellow light so they didn’t get separated. Now that she’d determined to talk to him, she was nearly coming out of her skin to do it as soon as she could.
Now. She wanted him to know she wanted him now.
He turned onto the street with access to the Marriott’s garage. Tara had two choices—to go home and walk back over, or…
Jesse turned into his garage. Tara turned in after him.
Butterflies performed a whole freaking aerial show in her belly. If Jesse hadn’t realized before that she’d been following him on purpose, he sure as hell did now.
The worst thing was she didn’t know how he was going to react to her, proving that, once again, the anticipation of what you feared was worse than the thing itself. At least, she sure as hell hoped that would be true here.
Two levels down, he parked, passing several available spots in favor of one that had free spaces adjacent to it. Perfect. She pulled in right next to him, killed her engine, and looked to her right—to find Jesse staring at her wearing an expression she couldn’t read.
He got out. So did she.
“What’s going on, Tara?” he asked. Wary. That was the only way to describe him—his tone, his posture, the look in his eyes.
Stomach doing a flip, Tara met him at the back of his car. “I need to talk to you.”
He leaned back against his Jeep, stance wide, arms crossed. Like he was resigned but not happy about it. “Okay.”
Wasn’t going to make this easy for her, was he? Fair enough. She was the one who’d put them through this after all. She forced a deep breath, debated for the space of a second what to say, and then let the words fly. “I made a mistake.”
“About what?”
“About us.”
He shook his head. “No, you didn’t.”
She frowned. “I’m pretty sure I know how I feel, Jesse, and I—”
“How do you feel?” Oh, man, the walls were up so high behind those dark eyes.
Her words spilled out in a heartfelt rush. “I miss you. I realized I let myself be ruled by fear, and I’m angry at myself about that. And most of all I have feelings for you that are beyond friendship.”
Jesse swallowed so thickly his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. “I have feelings for you, too, Tara. But nothing’s changed.”
His words both lifted her up and threatened to crash her to earth again. “Everything’s changed.”
“Like what?” he said, suddenly raking at his hair.
“Like I have feelings for you. And I’d like the opportunity to explore them with you. To see where we can go. I don’t want to let fear and anxiety rule the rest of my life. But I do want you.”
He frowned, and it made her stomach drop to the floor. “The thing is, Tara, I’ve had the chance to do a lot of thinking these past two weeks, every bit of which adds up to one thing—you were right.”
“But, Jesse—”
“This bridge inspection…” He shook his head as if he were gathering the word-bricks to build his wall even higher. “Jesus, Tara, you were right. I don’t look at you the same way I look at the others. I can’t. Because having feelings for you means that my head knows you’re as good as anybody else on the team, but my fucking heart hurt for you knowing what this job was putting you through. But I couldn’t let you know that, because I didn’t want to make it worse.”
That was why he’d been so distant? Because he was worried to show that he cared? Cautious hope rose in her chest. “But we did our jobs, just like you said. And I beat my fear of this stupid project.”
“You did. And I was really fucking proud of you. But that doesn’t change the basic premise of the problem you laid out. Nothing’s changed.”
She laid a hand to her chest. “I’ve changed.”
His eyes were so sad that she felt his pain. “I haven’t.”
“Are you saying this because you think you’re not worth me fighting for? Because you are, Jesse, you are worth fighting for. To me,” she said around a sudden tightness in her throat.
He ignored her question. “I’m saying this because it’s true.”
Her stomach tossed. Her hands got shaky. Her chest tightened. She knew what these signs meant—something was scaring her. Badly. And it made her desperate to put an end to her fear. “Then I’ll…I’ll look for another job.”
Jesse pushed off his Jeep and came
right at her, a storm of emotion rolling across his face. “No fucking way.”
Tara held her ground. “Why not?”
He nailed her with a stare. “Because you’ll regret it. And then someday you’ll resent me. And I’m not worth it—that much you’ll have to take my word for.”
“I don’t believe you, Jesse. I don’t know why you feel that way. But you’ll never convince me.”
On a sigh, he planted his hands on his hips. “Tara…”
She shook her head, mentally pushing away every one of his arguments, because they all added up to an outcome she no longer wanted. Them, apart. “But what about us?”
Jesse’s expression softened, and he stroked his knuckles down her cheek. He gave her a small, sad smile. “We’ll always have Paris.”
Sudden hot tears spilled from her eyes. He’d just slid the sweetest knife right into her heart. But if he said Rick’s here’s looking at you, kid line, she was going to legit sob. “Don’t quote Casablanca to me now.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, catching her tears with his thumb. “About all of it.”
Tara turned away and wiped at her face. But the stupid tears wouldn’t stop spilling, as if they were the only way her heart could release the pressure squeezing it inside her chest.
Big hands settled on her shoulders from behind. Jesse kissed the top of her head. “Do you want me to drive your car over to your place for you?”
Her breath caught. She turned in his embrace, but he dropped his hands to his sides. “But…” She didn’t know what she’d been about to say, just that she didn’t want this to be the end. Finally, she shook her head. “No, I can manage getting home.”
“Okay.”
The only thing Tara knew in that moment was that she couldn’t watch him walk away. So she got in her car and left him standing there.
Don’t look back, don’t look back.
But of course she did, finding him in her rear-view mirror still standing in the same spot, arms crossed, head hanging.
All the possibility between them finally gone, once and for all.
Chapter 17
Jesse had never been so fucking grateful to get off a boat in his life. The Going Deep came into their marina on Thursday evening, the bridge inspection project complete.
And that meant two very important things—one Jesse hated, and one he was potentially excited about.
The thing he hated was that part of him was glad to get some space from Tara. They’d gotten through the week without anyone else being the wiser. But ever since their conversation last Saturday night, Jesse had felt like he was a walking open wound that he didn’t know how to close.
Seeing her hurt. Hearing her hurt. Accidentally touching her hurt. Hell, seeing her hurt goddamned hurt. So, frankly, he was glad for her to have some time apart from him, too.
She was right. They were a mess.
And, for him, she was another brutal loss to add to all the ones that’d come before, tearing yet another hole in him until he feared he wasn’t a whole man. How many pieces could he possibly have left to lose? Because even though he and Tara should’ve had everything going for them, there was an immovable obstacle still standing in their way. And fuck but it was hell learning that sometimes love wasn’t enough.
Because he had that. He fucking had that in spades.
And still he couldn’t make a relationship work.
The thing that he was potentially excited about had hit his email on Monday. A personal invitation to a recruitment event for veterans with Metro Police, which was expecting an opening on the bomb squad within their Special Operations Division following the retirement of the squad’s long-time commander late this spring. Jesse had submitted an interest card through their website months ago and had forgotten all about it after he’d accepted CMDS’s offer.
Was Jesse interested in being considered for the position?
Hell, yes, he was.
If he got the job, it would obviously cause some challenges for his current situation. He’d feel bad for leaving Boone, and he sincerely hoped the man would understand because Jesse had already grown to like and respect him. But maybe, just maybe it would also solve some even bigger problems. Jesus, maybe even the biggest problem he’d ever had in his life.
The problem of loving Tara Hunter.
Since they’d returned to DC a day earlier than expected, Jesse could attend the first day of the recruitment event tomorrow instead of waiting until Saturday.
Small victories, but man, he’d take ’em where he could find ’em.
The team got the GD docked and cleaned up, stowed all their equipment, and said their good-byes to Mama D. And then Jesse headed out into the lengthening light of evening like work had been a jail and he was a newly freed man.
Fuck, this hope was so goddamned dangerous to be feeling. There were about a hundred things that needed to happen before he’d be remotely justified feeling it, but nobody ever accused the heart of being rational. Lately, his had been entirely out of fucking control.
Now, maybe he could do something about it.
He paused to unlock his car door, and something made him look up. He shouldn’t have been surprised to find Tara looking at him, because they were like magnets, only right now they were set to repel.
He gave her a nod, and she attempted a smile.
Hold on for me, Tara.
Sending that thought to her was all he could do for now. Raising his own hope was one thing. Raising hers would be unforgivable if he couldn’t deliver on it.
So he was at the recruitment event at a DC hotel first thing the next morning dressed in a brand new suit he’d bought off the rack the night before. Since he’d RSVPed, they were expecting him. And since he’d submitted his experiences, qualifications, and personal statement one night from the Going Deep, he was directed to a partitioned conference room.
A uniformed officer rose and shook Jesse’s hand. “I’m Officer Landers with the SOD, uh, the Special Operations Division.”
“Hello, sir, I’m Jesse Anderson.”
The man gestured to the seat opposite his at the table. “Please sit while I pull up your application materials.” He scrolled through some information on an iPad and finally nodded, an increasingly impressed look on his dark brown face. “Twenty years in the navy, rising to the rank of chief petty officer. Over a dozen years EOD, with leadership positions in more than one of the navy’s mobile EOD units. Special warfare training. These are impressive credentials, Mr. Anderson.”
“Thank you.”
“What makes you interested in Metro PD?” The officer gave him an appraising look.
“Sir, I retired from the navy a little over a year ago. During the two years before that, I lost eight of my men.” Admitting this felt a lot like swallowing crushed glass, but it was the truth. And his fear that their loss represented a failure of his leadership was something he’d been thinking a lot about the past week. Because of something Tara had said.
I don’t want to let fear and anxiety rule the rest of my life.
He’d replayed every part of their conversation over and over again in his head, and slowly that declaration began to stand out to him.
Because hadn’t he been doing the same thing? His fear that he was bad for the EOD community. That he’d let them down. That if he stayed, he’d lead even more men to get hurt or killed.
Fuck, Tara had nearly died and managed to beat her fears. And he knew without knowing that she’d lost people she cared about, too. Because that was a cost of war that every single service member paid. But still she kept fighting.
Now it was time for him to fight. For himself. And so he could do it for Tara.
She thought he was worth fighting for—maybe it was time he started to believe that, too. Because he sure as hell knew that she was worth the fight.
Jesse continued, “At the time, I didn’t have enough distance from those losses to understand that I hadn’t caused them. This last year has given me perspective. I
t’s made me see that every one of those men understood the danger and was prepared to sacrifice, just as I was. I currently work at a commercial diving outfit with some great people. I like the work. But it’s not my passion. Being the wall between bad people and their dangerous weapons and our community—that’s what I’ve dedicated most of my life to. And it’s what I realized I still feel passionate about.”
The words spilled from him like a revelation. And to him, they were. Because somehow in the midst of absolute heartbreak, he’d found a piece of himself again. And fuck if Tara hadn’t given that to him—along with so much else.
The officer made some notes as Jesse talked. “Your field has the tendency to chew people up and spit them out.”
“That’s for sure, sir.”
“Tell me about some of your special warfare training.”
Jesse detailed the schools he’d gone to, the special training he’d completed, and gave an overview of some of the ops he’d been a part of, wishing he knew what the magic words were to get the man to say “you’re hired,” even though he knew that wasn’t happening today no matter what. Like the military, law enforcement had layers of testing and screening before decisions were made.
After making some additional notes, the man put down the iPad, leaned back in his chair, and laced his fingers. “It’s not often we get a candidate with quite your level of experience, not just EOD but underwater EOD, too. It goes without saying that we’d love to see you progress through the application process. You’re aware that there’s an upcoming opening on our bomb squad?”
Jesse nodded, more of that dangerous hope crowding into his chest.
“Would you be available next Wednesday to take the required online tests for our Experienced Officer Program?”
“Yes.” Jesse would talk to Boone as soon as he was done here to get the day off.