[LP81]I definitely think you can expand this a bit to include more detail and sensory info.
[LL82]Seems to me they would have thought of this sooner, especially Elle after discovering what Sophie could do.
I feel like she would have made sure to share this with Jackson before he and Alex left – even if he would hate her for killing his dad, she would want him to be prepared for a world that was now much more dangerous than they’d believed. Without warning them, she comes across as pretty selfish, putting her own fear before the lives of two people she truly cares for.
I think you can fix this easily by moving the Sophie/Elle discovery scene to after Jackson and Alex have left – then Elle isn’t putting their lives at risk.
[K83]I do like the tie in to the prologue here
[LL84]I would think this would trigger her memories of her stepdad as well as her sleep paralysis issues. Also, is the sleep paralysis no longer an issue? Is she totally over the stuff about her stepdad? Because it was huge in the beginning, but it just sort of faded away.
[MOU85]Explain this more. I don’t know anything about this group, and I’m probably not alone in that haha.
[LL86]If she has a broken rib, I think this would cause her some pretty intense pain. Also with the strained arm.
[LL87]Where?
[LL88]So is her wrist strained?
[LL89]So, Sophie would know this, too, right?
[LP90]SF-
I spent the entire time worrying that they were going to contract the virus now that they were (possibly) exposed to it. Especially after they went to town and Del brought their son’s body back.
Is there a reason why they don’t or wouldn’t come down with the virus? If there is, or if it’s not a concern for some reason, I’d love for someone to mention it. That way I wouldn’t spend the whole time freaking out about their welfare. Hahahaa.
[K91]I’m not sure that I fully understood Jen’s riddle. Was she predicting the apocalypse? Will we hear more about this? Or maybe the note just represents a piece of her sister?
[LL92]Now, I really think Elle should have told Jackson about her and Sophie’s powers. She clearly cares about them a ton, and it seems out of character for her to endanger them by not telling them.
[H93]This is something that Alex said earlier, yet Jackson had said nothing in agreement then. Maybe have him say something about how Alex was right.
[LL94]This seems a little cold.
[LL95]I feel like this needs a bit more description. Is it stinky? Or is it so cold that even the temperature inside is keeping things frozen?
[LL96]I think he would view her omission and endangerment of him and Alex as an even bigger betrayal.
[MOU97]I think as a Trooper he should probably know this. That would (or should) definitely be something that he would look for in his job.
[MOU98]This description is a little confusing, and I’m not sure I made appropriate suggestions here haha.
[LL99]Is this literally just a rack of ribs, or is it a whole side of an animal?
[SD100]She didn’t say that aloud
[101]Is this supposed to say he's never had to buy it before?
[K102]I feel likes there are a lot of mes in this paragraph
[K103]I feel like these two lines should be switched.
[CM104]This confused me a little… because they were talking about the food. I had to go back to remember they were talking about the meanings of their names.
[105]No body else has a particularly fascinating story either....
[LL106]Seems pretty fascinating to me!
[LP107]Describe
[LP108]I know I’ve commented on this earlier, but Elle not telling Jackson about the powers feels off. I would either find a way to resequence events so Sophie doesn’t tell Elle about this until more recently, so Elle hasn’t had a chance to tell him (haven’t been in the same place together yet), or have her tell him sooner. I definitely think that whenever she tells him, it needs to be before he heads off somewhere again, so she’s not letting him venture out without this super important knowledge about how much more dangerous the world is now.
[MOU109]Add something about this going against his nature and just being because of all that he’d seen since the virus started or something. As a Trooper, I don’t think he would ever debate whether to save someone in trouble.
[LP110]LF – her not warning him about the dangers out there is just as much of an issue.
[MOU111]The paragraph indentations are off here for the next couple lines, but I’m not sure which ones should be moved!
[LP112]LF; everyone should be angry at Elle and Sophie for hiding the potential dangers out there.
[SF113]Because I like to have random one-sided conversations in other people’s beta reads, here’s one about sat phones. Lucky you!
I’ve read various answers about whether or not sat phones will work in the apoc. I’m still not sure, based on the assortment of answers I’ve read.
However, it has been less than a year, so I think you can get away with that for sure. Fuck ‘em, it’s your world!
The general consensus is that satellites are constantly monitored and adjusted by a ground control station to keep them where they need to be. If there’s no one to do that, then they go out of orbit and the phone won’t connect. Some say it would be weeks. However, many others say that they’d be fine for a little while—six months to a year, maybe, which fits with your time in the book anyway--and still others say maybe longer. So, who the heck knows?
Also, more recently, some folks have said the newer satellites are better at keeping themselves in orbit.
I didn’t include sat phones in my first series because I had no freaking clue who was right, and I gave up and used radio. Haha.
I truly think it’s fine! Not that you were worried. LOL
Anyhoo, my point in all this is that if you have definitive knowledge, I would love to hear it!
[K114] I am wondering why he only shows up with one survivor.
[SF115]Of course, the way Ross acts makes me think he’s a bad guy. I know it doesn’t turn out that way, but I want to know why he acted weird. I assume we will in the next book, yes?
Also, is Jackson not even a little perturbed by this convo? Even if it’s just a sentence, I would like to hear how either the sustenance might feel a bit uneasy, or that he smooths it over by thinking how phone conversations are always slightly stilted or something.
Above this line, Jackson does say how he’s changed, too, which is great and totally speaks to that. But I guess I didn’t expect him to end on such a peaceful/positive note, especially if he feels Ross may have changed—which could be for the worse, as they (and we readers) know. He’s smart enough to suspect that, all the more because Ross won’t explain his whereabouts.
Does that make sense?
However, I was quite happy that he DOES quickly suspect Ross of bad intentions when they get there instead of dithering about it for ten days. ??
[LP116]LF: I don’t understand how/why he isn’t reacting to the knowledge that some people have apparent super powers now.
[LP117]He’s coming across as a bit man-baby-ish to me right now.
[118]Does Sophie know about this just because of her touch thing? I don't feel like she had to tell him about that.... I think you should have Elle tell him about that.
[LP119]I would’ve thought Sophie would have shared this with him when she told him what happened – in which case, I feel like his reaction would be very different and more understanding, especially considering that, as written, his wife was killed by a home intruder. His whole reaction since finding out feels out of character to me.
[SF120]Hello, Sophie! I like her parts, just so you know. I thought it might be confusing or odd or too similar, so I was on the lookout for that, and I didn’t feel that way at all.
[K121]I do like the switch to Sophie here and I think you added the perfect amount of backstory for Alex & Sophie. I am curious to know more about the
pregnancy & why Alex would buy a pregnancy test for a girl he hardly knows, but I’m sure it will be in the next book.
[122]I think this section needs work. The first part is really unclear... And they might be 2 separate paragraphs, because it seems like you could expand on the second part of this. (of course that might be where you are going.
Maybe you don't need the first part???
[LP123]LF: Wouldn’t she already know this?
[LP124]LF would be simple to test, why hasn’t either of them thought about this?
[K125]Maybe reword
[126]I think that you could put more Sophie POV chapters in. I'd like a bit more of her back story, and her "power" is interesting.
[127]I like this. Can he talk to other animals or just the wolves?
[SF128]Okay, here’s something about Ross! Maybe expand on that a little more.
[SF129]Right? Thankfully, Jackson isn’t a moron.
[130]I don't understand why it makes him feel like a disloyal piece of shit... Disloyal to his wife?
[MOU131]Who said this?
[132]why? Pardon me for getting all political here, but this comes across as a bit misogynistic....
[LP133]Stories, I think?
[134]Some kids of his own? Stories??
[LP135]If the ice is thin enough in patches for this to happen, I think we need to have a caution issued to the kids from Took or Del when they first arrive.
[LP136]This seems reckless.
[137]This needs some work.
[138]needs work, it's a bit redundant.
[K139]repetitive
[H140]This sounds like there are 10 in Elle and Jackson’s group.
[MOU141]Haha I like Alex a lot.
[LP142]I’m a bit confused here - does Alex know because he saw, or is he just being incredibly insightful?
[SF143]Poor kids.
[SF144]Me too, buster.
[LP145]And Beau and Thea right?
[LP146]Wouldn’t they be assuming there are others with powers, since almost all of them have them?
[147]It seems like it would be more in line with her character to say something more along the lines of "I don't want to talk about him." Or he wasn't really my family.
[148]Where did this yawn come from? She was just talking about how she couldn't sleep.
[LP149]LF: ?
[MOU150]Maybe explain this a little more. Elle might know what these tattoos are or what they look like, but I sure don’t haha.
[151]this seems out of place.
[MOU152]Why not? I know the story needs to move along, but I think they should discuss some serious reason they can’t just stay. Especially if he’s feeling off about Ross. I also think Took, Del, and Jade should make more of an effort to get them to stay – or say that they understand they can’t stay because of _____. Everyone seems very WELL TIME TO GO and other than being sad, no one seems to be fighting it haha. But as a reader, I’m not sure why they couldn’t just stay and be happy other than that it would end the story.
[153]which she?
[H154]Who are you talking about?
[LP155]How long have they been there?
[156]Were they going to Whitehorse and then on to Hartly??? I thought they were going separate ways before then.
[K157]Do we find out what this gift is?
[SF158]Another random convo, brought to you by SLF.
When we were in Alaska, the daylight was CRAZY. And it was early August, which isn’t the lightest time of year like June. (I know it’s not June in your book, either, though it’s likely light fairly late in May, especially up north.)
Anyway, my point: It was so light for so long (especially up by Fairbanks) that we had no freaking clue what time it was, ever. We were crazy-ass balls of energy (and I’m notoriously lazy) who would breeze into a small town and wonder why stores were closed (um, it was 10 p.m.) or forget to eat dinner/lunch/whatever.
We lost all concept of time. When we were at Denali National Park, it was pouring and going to pour for the next few days. That was no weather to try to see a mountain, so we decided, at 6 p.m., to drive to a place 60 miles past Fairbanks. (About a six-hour drive.)
We weren’t even tired when we got there—and it was twilight at midnight.
We called it Cracklight because we were so strung out, yet happy. I would think people who live in Alaska likely get used to it, but it was bonkers. And awesome. ??
[MOU159]Aren’t they already well into May? Chapter 25 started in May, and a LOT has happened since then. I would definitely add the dates to the chapter headings throughout. The second part is really tough as far as keeping their timeline straight.
[160]Feel like it should take more than one night...
[K161]I am wondering if one of these women was who Jackson heard on the phone or if this is separate. What happened to the woman on the phone?
[MOU162]Haha! While a great description, I don’t think he’d say this in front of the little kids.
[MOU163]Mention earlier that the wolves did arrive.
[LP164]Seems like it would be smart to have had Sophie shake his hand or something to make sure everything really is fine.
[CM165]Was that her boyfriend or…?
[H166]On page 356, you said that Sophie was up on a hill outside the room
[SF167]We don’t get this from Jackson in the next chapter, and I was looking for the details of their talk. Maybe they didn’t—he just got Ross to clean up and shit—but it left me curious.
[LP168]Like, she was knocked out??
[K169]Is he already up the hill?
[LP170]Men/s?
This is confusing coming right after the shoes sizes.
[SF171]I want the Ross thing fleshed out a little more, though I think the main story can wait for the next book, if that was your plan. Maybe just a tad bit more?
[LP172]This is another moment that I would expect to remind her of her sleep paralysis issues – possibly make her wonder if what she was seeing was real or a hallucination.
[H173]This needs to be fleshed out, especially given the beginning of the story
[SF174]Whaaaa?
[SF175]At least for now… Dun-dun-DUN!
??
[H176]You just said this a few lines up
[SF177]Well then, don’t be weird, Ross!
[SF178]Maybe here—even just one line about why he was weird, that you could flesh out in the next book. But you could also leave it alone, if it’s something you can’t get into.
It’s more me trying to make sense of it/being curious rather than something not working with the writing.
[K179]reword
[LP180]Hmmm – so now I understand about people wanting more, and I would have to agree. I think you need one more chapter that includes the info from Woody. There’s no sense of a conclusion to this book’s storyline, and it really does feel unfinished.
The Darkest Winter Page 34