Someone Like You

by L. M. Brown

  The next morning Todd woke before the rest of the household and crept out to go across town to Deacon’s. A light blanket of snow covered the ground, and it seemed as though there would be a white Christmas again this year. He drove his father’s car through the icy streets to the neighbourhood where Deacon lived. The large spacious residences with landscaped gardens were left behind all too soon. By the time Todd reached Deacon’s street the tiny yards were filled with junk, and more than one building had been boarded up to stop squatters from getting in. Todd pulled up outside Deacon’s house and immediately saw it was in an even worse state of repair than the last time he had visited. One of the upstairs windows had been broken and patched up with plastic sheeting, and the front door and window frames were in desperate need of a coat of paint. Deacon had always been the one to at least try to make sure the place was well kept, but he appeared to have let things slide over the last few months.

  The clock on the dashboard said it was only eight o’clock, and Todd was hesitant to disturb the household so early. Deacon’s room was located round the back and upstairs, and Todd remembered past attempts to get inside had always failed. There were no useful trees or drainpipes to climb. He decided to wait until he could see someone moving about inside. He didn’t have to wait too long because just before nine he saw the silhouette of someone walking in the living room. Todd got out of the car and carefully made his way down the slippery path to ring the doorbell.

  “Piss off!” came the shout from inside. Todd ignored him and knocked on the glass pane. After a few minutes the door swung open to reveal Steve Jones, Deacon’s older brother. He hadn’t changed much save for a few more piercings and tattoos. “Are you fucking deaf? Piss off.”

  Todd put his foot out before it slammed in his face. “I just want to talk to Deacon.”

  “He ain’t here.”

  “Where is he?”

  “How the fuck would I know?” Todd stood his ground as Steve tried to push the door closed despite Todd’s limb being in the way.

  “When is he expected back?”

  “He ain’t. Dad kicked the cocksucker out months ago.”

  Todd staggered at Steve’s words and barely managed to maintain his position. Deacon had always worried about his family finding out he was gay. In light of Steve’s comment Todd had a pretty fair idea what had transpired; he just needed the details to track his boyfriend down.

  “What happened?”

  Steve eased the pressure on Todd’s foot and sneered. “Someone should have been more careful about which clubs he goes to. I do business all over, and imagine my surprise when I see my little brother humping another bloke on the dance floor one night. A bloke with brown hair, a big nose he should keep out of other people’s business, and missing a couple of teeth.”

  Todd could tell from his tone Steve was talking about him. “I’m not missing any teeth.”

  “You will be if you don’t fuck off in the next two seconds.”

  “I’ll leave when you tell me where Deacon is.”

  “I don’t know, and I don’t care. Dad wasn’t too happy when he found out one of his sons likes cock. He threw him out as soon as he discovered the truth about the golden boy.”

  “And when was that?”

  “A couple of days after Deacon’s money ran out, and he couldn’t pay for my silence any longer. Now piss off.”

  The sound of someone else moving about drew their attention inside the house. “Who’s at the door, Steve?”

  “Just some pouf looking for Deacon. I’ve told him to piss off.”

  Deacon’s father peered around the doorframe. “He don’t live here no more.”

  “So I hear. Do you know where he is, sir?”

  Maybe it was the sir that did it, but Mr Jones nodded and stepped forward. “He’s living with Billy Wright over Billy’s garage on Station Road. Or he was last I heard. If he ain’t there, Billy’ll probably know where to find him.”

  At least he seemed to be getting somewhere now. “Thanks. I’ll head on over there.”

  “I wouldn’t bother,” Steve said with another sneer. “Deacon likes older men who can give it to him good and hard, not snobby little pansies like you.”

  Todd didn’t even bother replying as he turned on his heel and walked back to the car. Even so, he couldn’t stop the sick feeling in his stomach at the idea of Deacon being with anyone other than him.

  * * * *

  Todd pulled up at Billy’s garage ten minutes later. Relief washed over him when he saw the place was open. He knew of Billy even though he had never met him. He was one of the few openly gay men in the small town, and he had fought tooth and nail to keep his business running in the face of local hostility. Over time, the residents of the town appeared to have gotten used to his presence, and his business had flourished enough to keep afloat despite the recession. From everything Todd had heard about him, Billy seemed like a decent bloke, but what the hell was Deacon doing with him?

  After mustering his courage Todd got out of the car and walked over to the garage entrance. “Hello?”

  Something clattered on the floor and a man Todd guessed to be Billy rolled out from underneath the car he was working on. “Well, well, I wondered how long it’d be before you turned up on my doorstep.”

  Todd faltered in surprise, forgetting what he had intended to say. “Have we met?”

  “Nah, but I figured you’d be here looking for Deacon sooner or later. He’s upstairs in the flat. I’ll give him a yell for you.”

  Fidgeting nervously, Todd hovered in the garage while Billy went to yell—literally—for Deacon to get his arse downstairs. Billy called for Deacon with a familiarity that didn’t sound quite right for a boss beckoning his employee. Could there really be something to Steve’s snide comments? There was only one way to find out, and that was from Deacon himself.

  “Hi,” Deacon said as he appeared in the doorway. He hadn’t changed much since Todd had last seen him, at least not physically. He still had the same dirty blond hair sticking up awkwardly no matter how much he tried to tame it. He looked as though he had put on some muscle in the last few months, or maybe it was the tight shirt he was wearing, showing off his body as his brother’s loose-fitting hand-me-downs never had. There was something different in the blue eyes, though. They were colder than Todd had ever seen them, and Deacon’s whole demeanour screamed out he was far from happy to see Todd. He wanted to pull Deacon into his arms, but the iciness in Deacon’s eyes froze him in place.

  “Hi,” Todd replied quietly, unsure what to say now Deacon finally stood in front of him. “How have you been?”

  “Fine. Good really. You?”

  “Okay. Just home for the holidays.”

  “I figured as much. How did you know where to find me?”

  “Your dad told me. What happened?”

  Deacon turned away to the door. “Dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay. Now I’m living with Billy. He’s training me as a mechanic.”

  “How did that come about?”

  “I broke into the garage after a couple of nights on the street. He found me the next morning, and we’ve been living together since.”

  Todd bristled at the casual way Deacon told him he’d moved on and found someone else. “You couldn’t have picked up the phone to tell me?”

  “I didn’t exactly get a chance to pack. I had to leave my phone back home with the rest of my crap when Dad kicked me out.”

  “You could have gone to my parents and asked for my number.”

  Deacon gave a mocking laugh. “Yeah, right. I’m sure your parents would be thrilled to have me show up on their perfectly manicured lawn.”

  “They wouldn’t mind.” The lie nearly stuck in his throat, but he forced the words out anyway.

  “You think they’d be pleased to find their precious son’s bit of rough turning up at their front door? You always were an idiot.”

  Todd swallowed down the sharp retort and forced Deacon round to face
him. “Don’t talk about yourself like that!”

  “Why not? You know it’s what everyone says. Did you think I couldn’t hear your other friends back in school all wondering why you went slumming when you started seeing me?”

  “Do you think I care what anyone else says? You’re my boyfriend and—”

  “Was your boyfriend,” Deacon interrupted with a shake of his head. “We’ve both moved on now. You’ve got your university and your new friends; I’ve got my job here, and Billy takes care of me real good.”

  Todd let go of Deacon’s arm as though his hand had been burned. “You can forget about what we had so easily?”

  “We had a fling while we were at school,” Deacon replied with a shrug.

  “A three-year fling!”

  “Whatever. It’s not like either of us had any other options back at school. Now I’ve got Billy, and you’ve got your pick of guys at university.”

  Todd ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t want another guy. I only ever wanted you.”

  Deacon turned back to the doorway and wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You need to forget about me and get on with your life. You’ve got places to go. You’re going to make your mark on the world just like we talked about. I’m not going to be the one to hold you back.”

  “That sounds like my father talking.”

  “Your father probably wants what’s best for you, same as I do.”

  This wasn’t like Deacon. What had happened to turn him into the iceman standing before him? “And don’t I get a choice in what I want?”

  “Sure, you get to choose from all those university guys.”

  Todd leaned back against the bench and sighed. “What happened to you?” he asked. “You never used to think like this.”

  “I grew up,” Deacon said. “Something you should be doing as well.”

  Todd scowled at Deacon’s back, but the expression was lost on the other man who continued to stare out at the street. “So, this is it then? This is goodbye?”

  “I guess. You can always stop by if you’re in town, though. I’ll get Billy to give you a good deal on any repairs you need doing on whatever flashy car you end up with.”

  Todd pushed off from the bench and walked out into the snow that was starting to come down again. “I don’t want a good deal. I want you.”

  Deacon didn’t say a word as Todd climbed into his father’s car and drove away.

  * * * *

  Billy sat waiting near the bottom of the exterior metal staircase leading up to the flat when Deacon went back outside. The snow didn’t seem to be bothering him at all.

  “Eavesdropping?” Deacon asked.

  “Yep. That was quite a performance you put on there. Never heard such a load of bollocks in my life, and that’s saying something.”

  “I didn’t want him coming back again. It’s best he forget about me.”

  “Like you’ve forgotten about him?” Billy asked with a secretive smile. “Bet you still have his picture on you.”

  Deacon’s hand moved reflexively to the breast pocket of his shirt that contained two passport-sized photos. He had kept them with him since the day he and Todd had had them taken. He wondered if Todd still had the other two pictures. The photos were one of the few things Deacon had had on him the day he’d been kicked out. Of course, at the time, he’d have given anything to have had his wallet and phone with him instead of a few quid in change and a couple of photos. Thankfully, Billy had helped him with sorting out his replacement ID and driving licence. Later, he’d been grateful to have the pictures, even though they were small and worn, not to mention the usual bad quality of photo booth snaps.

  “He still loves you.”

  Deacon sat down on the cold, damp stair below Billy’s feet. “You can tell how he feels from tab-hanging on one conversation?”

  “Yep. You know you’re the one being the idiot, right?”

  “He’s better off without me.”

  “Isn’t that for him to decide? You let him think you don’t love him anymore. He’s probably gutted right now.”

  “He’ll get over it.”

  “Not if he really loves you, he won’t. Take some advice from someone older and wiser, it doesn’t matter how old or young you are, when you find love it still hurts like the devil years later if you let it go.”

  Deacon didn’t want to hear that. He was miserable enough after sending Todd packing, and the thought of the pain not subsiding in the very near future troubled him more than he wanted to admit. He needed to harden his heart against Todd and the effect he had on him, but it was easier said than done.

  “Have you ever been in love?” Deacon asked. Despite living under the same roof as Billy for several months, he didn’t actually know very much about Billy’s past. He never brought men home, and there were no personal photos of a past lover around the place.

  “Once—a long time ago.”

  “What happened?”

  “I was the idiot who didn’t know what I had right in front of me. I lost him, and I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes I did.”

  “I’m sure your situation was totally different.”

  “Not really. He was the rich guy, just like your Todd. He had plans for his career, and his parents asked me to step aside to let him achieve his dreams. They wanted him to find a nice young lady to marry, and eventually he did.”

  “Wasn’t he gay?”

  “Of course. Lots of gay men get married to women for various stupid reasons. In Greg’s case it was for his career. He came to see me about a year after the wedding. His marriage was already falling apart. I knew by then I’d never love anyone else, and I took him back into my bed whenever he asked. Then some reporter started sniffing around, and he broke things off.”

  “A reporter? Is he someone famous?”

  “Not really. But he wanted to be. He was running in the local council election.” Deacon raised an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that. He isn’t from round here. He got scared and paid me to leave town. That was when I made my second mistake.”

  “What was the first mistake?”

  Billy shook his head. “Aren’t you listening?”

  Deacon bristled. “Yeah, of course I am.”

  “My first mistake was letting him marry a woman he didn’t love instead of fighting for him. My second was taking his money and skipping town. I came here and used the money to open up this place.”

  “What happened to him?”

  “His wife divorced him. He never got elected anyway, and last I heard he was living back with his mother, still pretending to be straight. Is that the sort of life you want for Todd?”

  “Todd’s parents don’t care about him being gay. He’ll never marry a woman.”

  “Whether he chooses a woman or another man, it makes no difference. You’re condemning him to a life with someone he doesn’t love. He’ll still be miserable.”

  “You don’t know that. He might be perfectly happy with some doctor or lawyer.”

  “It looked to me like he’d be pretty damn happy with a mechanic as well.”

  Deacon sat on the stairs for a long time after Billy had gone back inside. He didn’t even notice the snow starting to settle again. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the pictures of Todd to study them. The photos were a couple of years old, and Todd had only improved with age. His jaw was firmer and his cheekbones more defined. His brown hair had grown longer in the months he had been away and was close to brushing his collar. His eyes were still the same, though Deacon ached to see them sparkling with laughter or gazing at him with desire, instead of filled with sadness. Had he made a mistake in sending Todd on his way? One thing was for sure, seeing Todd again had done nothing to help diminish his own feelings. He wanted him as badly as ever.

  Chapter Four

  Todd tossed restlessly in his bed. He had spent most of the last week moping around the house trying to figure out exactly when things had gone wrong between him and Deac
on. Other friends, back in town for the holidays, had tried to persuade him to put in an appearance at one party or another, but Todd preferred wallowing in his misery. He’d left the house to do a bit of last-minute Christmas shopping, and then returned to brooding—or sulking as his siblings called it—when he realised the present he had bought for Deacon was still in his bag. He knew he was being bad company, but he couldn’t seem to find the holiday spirit the rest of his family had in abundance.

  He eventually fell into a deep sleep only to be woken again by a noise from outside. Todd looked at the clock and saw it was after midnight. He was wondering what had roused him when he heard the tapping on the window. He shot up in bed and squinted across the dark room. Deacon was crouched outside his window just as he used to. At first Todd wondered if he was dreaming, but the cold floor beneath his feet as he walked across the room halted any thoughts of that nature. He stood on the nearby stool and eased the window open so Deacon could slip into the room.

  “I thought you’d never wake up,” Deacon complained as he stood shivering in the basement.

  Todd steered him towards the battered sofa and grabbed the comforter off the back to wrap around Deacon’s shoulders. “How long were you out there?”

  “About half an hour. I was about to give up and go home.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t.”

  Deacon curled up into the corner of the sofa and Todd sat opposite him with his back up against the other arm. “What are you doing here?”

  “I couldn’t sleep.”

  “I’d have thought you’d have no trouble with that these days,” Todd replied cautiously, trying not to recall all the times Deacon had slept in his arms after insisting he couldn’t sleep unless he was with Todd.

  “I’ve not had a decent night’s sleep since you showed up last week.”

  Todd tried to quell the small kernel of pleasure he felt at knowing Deacon’s days hadn’t been as perfect as Todd had spent the week fearing they had been. “So, why come round here?”