by J. M. Paul
With a huff, I close my eyes and roll onto my side. I’m too tired to figure out my problems tonight, so I might as well try to get some sleep.
My phone vibrates on the table, and I grab it. Pressing my thumb on the identity reader, I open the Messages app.
Jacob: I’m sorry.
Sorry for what? I think. There are a lot of things to cover.
Without replying, I roll back over and will myself to get some shut-eye.
Maya’s the greatest—although I would never tell her so because her ego is already overinflated.
She called Camila and Liz for an all-day girls’ day on Sunday. All three of my friends dropped everything on their schedules and made me their priority. It was just what I needed. We sat around, talking, bashing Jacob and his bullheaded stupidity on how to handle a challenging situation, and eating junk food all day. Even Camila—who is still trying to shed the last few pounds of Mommyhood—joined in on the pig-out session. She said it was for the greater good and that she was taking one for the team. We all rolled our eyes and threw popcorn in her hair.
We didn’t solve any of the world’s problems, let alone what I should do about Jacob, but I feel ten times better because of them.
Except for the one text message on Saturday night, I haven’t heard anything from Jacob. I suppose he’s stewing over whatever his mind is weaving. And I also assume, if I haven’t heard from him, he still wants me to pick up the kids for school and daycare, like I promised.
That’s why I’m sitting in my car in his driveway, contemplating if I should go in or honk the horn and have Jacob bring the kids out to me. That house holds too many memories.
My phone beeps, pulling me out of my teeter-totter of emotions.
Maya: Go get ’em, tiger! Rule #1 in a breakup: Always look hot as hell when you see the ex—which I did you up, so I know you do. ;) Rule #2: Never let them see you down. You own this, so go OWN him. Love you! xx
And the bestest best friend award goes to…Maya!
I exit my car and swagger up to the house, like I don’t have a care in the world. The door swings open before I have a chance to knock.
“Joslyn!” Jagger’s excited voice along with a huge smile greet me.
I bend down to his level and spread my arms wide, and he runs into them to give me a tight hug.
“Hey, buddy. How’s my little man?” I ask when he pulls back.
We step into the house. I shut the door, and when I turn toward him, he’s staring at the floor and digging his foot into the foyer rug. Placing my hand under his chin, I lift until he’s looking at me. He’s not able to hide the sadness in his big blue eyes.
“What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“Nothing.” He bites his bottom lip.
I crouch down again. “You know better than to lie. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“You were gone, and I missed you,” he whines. “I didn’t know if you were going to come back.”
It feels like someone punched a fist through my chest to squeeze my heart.
“I missed you, too.” I run my hand through his hair. I know he’s thinking about how his mom left him, and I wince. “But I’m here now.”
That makes his face light up again.
“Go get your things, or we’re going to be late.” I pat his bottom and peer down the hallway, trying to see if Jenna’s ready.
“Aren’t you going to have coffee with Daddy?” He sits on the floor to put his shoes on.
“Um…”
The last several weeks, Jacob and I would share a cup of coffee together before we all went about our days. As much as I missed our routine, I knew I wouldn’t be able to pretend like everything was fine between Jacob and me while we sipped our morning caffeine.
“Not today, Jagster. Joslyn’s right. You’re going to be late if you don’t get moving,” Jacob says.
My head snaps up at his voice, and I see him walking toward us with Jenna in his arms. His hair is in disarray, it appears he hasn’t shaved since the last time I saw him, and he’s in wrinkled black sleep pants and a T-shirt with bare feet. I’ve never seen him not put together, but only Jacob can make the disheveled appearance look hot.
I stand and shove my hair over my shoulder. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Jacob says when he comes to a stop in front of me.
Jenna squeals and reaches in my direction.
“Hi, angel. You’re adorable with your tiny pigtails.” I take her into my arms and cover her face with kisses.
She belly laughs and tries to grab my face with her chubby hands. I pretend like I’m biting her fingers, and it steals another giggle from her.
“She’s missed you.” Jacob rubs a hand over Jenna’s head. “So have I,” he says much quieter as he catches my gaze.
We’re stuck in that moment together, not knowing how to move forward or how to turn back time.
Before either of us can say anything, Jagger yells, “Ready!”
I blink to clear my head and to escape the net I was caught in with Jacob. “Well then, I guess we should load our luggage into the airplane and fly to school, so you can be cool.”
“It’s not an airplane, silly. It’s a car.” Jagger hefts his backpack onto his shoulders.
“Oh, that’s right. I forgot.” I pull on his ear. “I’ll take that,” I say to Jacob as I hold out my hand for Jenna’s diaper bag.
“I’ve got it.” Jacob holds the door open for all of us to walk outside.
When I skirt by him, I catch his scent, and it nearly knocks me to my knees. I thought I knew how much I missed him, but it’s not until I’m right next to him that I realize that ache was nothing compared to the new one that’s blooming inside my chest.
I strap Jenna into her car seat while Jacob puts Jagger in his. When I close the door and move to get in the driver’s side, Jacob is standing in my way.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
I flick my watch. “We really are going to be late.”
“How about tonight when you drop the kids off?” His voice sounds hopeful. “We could maybe have dinner together?”
“My schedule’s crazy this week. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pick the kids up. I have two quizzes and a test to study for. Plus, I have to put in extra hours at the hospital since I didn’t work this weekend.” It sounds like an excuse, but everything’s true.
“Oh.” He steps back, his features pulled tight.
“I’m sorry. I meant to talk to you about it on Friday night before…”
“Yeah, okay. No problem.” He takes another step back.
“Joslyn!” Jagger yells from inside the car.
“You’d better go.” He taps the roof and starts to walk back toward the house. “Text me if you can’t pick them up. I’m working from home today, so I can get them.”
“Okay.” I open my door and put one leg in.
“Have a good day, Joslyn,” Jacob says intently.
“You, too.”
I climb into the car, fighting against threatening tears, and drop off Jagger and Jenna. When I pull into the school parking lot, my phone beeps with a text message.
Jacob: You looked beautiful this morning. x
I thump my head back against the cushion and contemplate on skipping class to figure out what the hell is going on in my mind. I wish I had gotten a vibe on what Jacob was thinking, but alas, he was closed as tight as a diary.
Except his appearance spoke volumes, I remind myself.
My phone beeps again, and I anxiously glance at it, hoping to hear from Jacob again, giving me some clue as to where his thoughts are.
Maya: Where are you? Get your ass to class, girlfriend!
And, with that, I turn off the overthinking switch in my mind, grab my bag, and set out to continue on with my life.
CHAPTER 31
* * *
DARK ABYSS
I wipe the sweat from my brow and watch a drunken Liz do a cannonball into the lake. She breaks the surface, sputtering and smiling at the che
ers from the people around us, completely oblivious to the black trails of mascara tracking down her face. She’s never one to appear less than perfect, so I’m sure Maya and I will hear about her blunder for days.
“Do you want a drink?” Maya asks as she pops the lid open to our cooler and grabs a beer for herself.
The sun’s at its peak, and I swear, the air can be cut with a knife. It always seems like July is the hottest month in Michigan.
“Yeah, but I’ll make it. Go flirt.” I wave my hand at her.
She winks and moves to another pontoon to talk to a guy she’s been eyeing all day.
I mix a gin and tonic. I squeeze one of the precut limes I prepped earlier today into my Yeti cup and secure the lid.
I’m sipping my drink, minding my own business, when a guy sits next to me and starts up idle conversation. He’s cute in a harmless way with blond hair, light-blue eyes, and no hair anywhere on his body. Innocent boys just don’t do it for me anymore, and I blame it on the fact that I’m still in love with an older man.
“Are you staying for the fireworks tonight?” The guy scoots closer to me when two girls shimmy onto the bench next to us.
Their high-pitched giggles tell me they definitely aren’t sober.
We’re anchored in the middle of the lake Liz’s parents live on, tied up to I don’t know how many other boats. It’s tradition, and it’s always fun, but my mind is somewhere else, with someone else. I just wish I knew where he was.
“I’m planning on it,” I answer.
“Cool. My name’s Ian.” He stretches out his hand to me.
“Joslyn.” I take it and shake once.
“So, Joslyn, what do you like to do for fun?”
And, with that, I spend the next twenty or so minutes bullshitting with Ian. It’s nice in a way that gets my mind off other things but mundane because I know it won’t lead anywhere. I should probably tell Ian that he’s wasting his time because I can tell he’s trying to work his mack-daddy moves on me, but I like his attention.
A large speedboat pulls up a few pontoons down. I hear, “Bro,” and a bunch of male hoots and hollers ring out. I don’t pay much attention until I hear a familiar voice call out my name. It causes the hair on my body to stand at attention, and a warm, shivery tingle zings down my spine.
I know it’s my mind playing tricks on me, but I turn toward the voice anyway.
“Hey, I thought that was you.” Jacob unwinds himself from a too-skinny brunette’s arm and hops over the boat’s railing to make his way to me.
The sight of him with another woman shreds something inside me. I feel like I’m drowning in the water surrounding us. It’s as if the boat’s sinking, I’m the only passenger, and everyone else is too busy to notice I’m going under. My jealousy over Too-Skinny Brunette is an anchor knotted around my ankle, pulling me down, down, down into the dark abyss.
“Do you know him?” Ian asks close to my ear.
His proximity startles me, and I notice Jacob’s body stiffen.
“He’s my boss,” I answer, my eyes still glued to Jacob.
“Oh.”
As Jacob makes his way through the tied boats, every girl he passes stops and takes notice of his presence. He has that effect on women without even trying.
Jacob looks good. Deliciously good. He’s shirtless, wearing aviator glasses and American flag swimming trunks. His thick dark hair is slicked back from his face, and his skin is bronzed and sculpted over perfectly hard pectoral muscles and abs.
It’s been three months since I learned Juliana was my sister, and romantically, things fell apart between us over that fact, but it still seems like yesterday.
Jacob and I tried to talk about the situation several times, but he would shut down and close himself off. I told myself I wouldn’t get involved with a man who barricaded me from his mind, feelings, and heart, so I gave up on anything progressing further between us.
But, even though I halted my relationship with Jacob, I couldn’t give up on my connection with the kids, so I’m still their nanny. I love them way too much to walk away, and they’re my niece and nephew—which my mind is still reeling over.
I moved out of Jacob’s house and into Maya’s apartment almost immediately after learning about Juliana, but I still spend a great deal of time there. It proves to be difficult on most days—being surrounded by the memories and smells of Jacob—but he’s gone back to his workaholic ways, and we barely see one another. We have a schedule of who can do what and when each week, and we only overlap when we’re exchanging kids. It’s impersonal and disheartening, but it keeps me connected to the two little innocent souls I’ve grown to love.
When Jacob’s finally standing in front of me, he doesn’t say anything. Although I can’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses, I can feel his gaze rake over me.
“Joslyn,” he finally says.
“Jacob.”
“Who’s this?” Jacob gestures to Ian.
Feeling the evilness in me grow, I place my hand on Ian’s thigh because I know it’ll piss off Jacob. It’s immature and vile, but Too-Skinny Brunette is shooting daggers at me from the boat Jacob just vacated. In my overheated mind, that gives me the right and permission for payback.
“This is Ian,” I purr as I lean closer into him.
An overzealous Ian wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.
“I think it’s time for you to move along, Ian.” Jacob steps closer, and I swear, he tries to make his body seem bigger, more intimidating.
“I…what?” Ian’s voice cracks.
“Jacob,” I warn.
Jacob’s jaw twitches, and I swear, I hear his teeth grind. “Ian, if you’d be so kind as to give me a few moments alone with the lady, I’d be in your debt.” He’s using a polite and formal tone, but it’s laced with venom all the way through.
Ian blinks at Jacob and then regards me, his brows drawn together.
I nod. “We’ll just be a minute.”
“Or thirty,” Jacob corrects.
I pat Ian on the leg as a hint for him to leave. He takes the clue and stands to step around Jacob.
“Run along now, little boy,” Jacob says under his breath, but it’s loud enough to hear.
I glare at him. “Quit being an asshole.”
“Now, is that any way to speak to your boss?” He smirks and takes Ian’s seat.
I fruitlessly try to scoot over, so we’re not touching.
“No, but he’s not here. It seems my ex-lover is, and he’s pissing his territorial scent all over me,” I hiss.
“He had his hand on you, Joslyn,” Jacob growls.
“And you haven’t had your hands on me in months,” I retort.
“Believe me, I know.” He adjusts his position on the seat, so he’s facing me.
“It doesn’t seem like you’re missing me too much.” I nudge my chin over to the pouty Too-Skinny Brunette.
His gaze follows mine, and he shakes his head before turning back to me. “She’s no one.”
“Her arm wrapped around your waist didn’t make her seem like no one.” I squeeze my eyes shut at that statement.
Why am I acting like a jealous twat?
Because you’re being one.
Great. The voices in my head are answering each other. It must be the heat.
“Well, it’s true.” He lifts a piece of my hair and spins it around his finger. “It turns out, I have a thing for hot blondes with gorgeous blue eyes.” Leaning closer, he shoves his aviators up onto his head. “And it also seems I have a thing for sisters.”
I jerk back, blink several times, and then shove him away from me. “That’s hugely inappropriate, Jacob, and puts you in deep douche-bag country.”
“It’s not my first vacation there.” He shrugs.
“Have you been drinking?” I ask. It’s the only logical explanation for his behavior right now. I’ve never seen him like this.
Two girls scream as a guy pushes them into the water with a bi
g splash. There are cheers and laughter and clanking bottles between several boats.
“I’ve had a couple of beers. Why?” He runs his hand along his jaw.
“Because you’re in rare form.” The humid breeze catches a stray piece of my hair, and I shove it back from my sweaty face.
A cocky grin slides onto his mouth, and he inches closer. “My rare form wouldn’t mind getting reacquainted with yours.”
“Really? This is how you wanted this conversation to go?” I ask in disgust.
His face falls, and he sits back. “No.”
“Then, what was that?” My brows draw together.
I see shame flash in his blue eyes.
“That was me reverting back to my old college ways to impress the woman I want.”
“And that actually worked?” I take a long drink from my gin and tonic.
“Quite well actually.” He rakes his hand through his hair.
“Wow. I’ve just lost all faith in the female race.” I shake my head.
He appears agitated at my statement but brushes it aside. Grabbing the cup from my hand, he swallows several times, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob—why is that so sexy?—before he hands it back to me.
“Was that good?” I ask sarcastically.
“Not as good as when I have the taste of you on my lips.” His hand rests on my knee and slowly makes its way up my bare thigh.
The feel of his skin against mine ignites a fire in me that I haven’t experienced in months, but as much as I want this, I can’t allow myself to have it, so I smack his hand away.
“Joslyn…”
“I can’t, Jacob. My heart’s been broken one too many times, and I’m trying to repair it, to mend myself and my dreams.”
I try to gain some space on the bench, but he’s too big and overcrowds everything. Even the two girls who were sitting on the other end got up.
“Letting you get your rocks off with me while you’re jealous, under the influence of a ‘couple of beers’”—I air quote the last few words—“and trying to forget why things ended between us in the first place? It doesn’t bode well with my plan.”
“And what plan is that?” He carefully studies me.