by J. M. Paul
“Say yes,” Jacob whispers affectionately with tears gleaming in his eyes.
“Please.” Jagger hugs my legs.
I bend down to get eye-level with him and search his adorable little face.
“I love and miss my mommy, but I want a new mommy to love me.” He starts to whimper as he blinks up at me. “Will you be her?”
How can I say no? Not that I ever would.
“I don’t know what could make me any happier, little man. I would be honored to be such an important person in your life.” I brush the hair back from his forehead.
“Will you love me forever?” His hopeful eyes study me.
I wrap him up as tight as I can in my arms and whisper in his ear, “Forever and always.”
“Yay!” Jagger squeezes me back before pulling away and beaming up at me and then Jacob. “She said yes, Daddy!” He jumps up and down and claps. “I have a new mommy! I have a new mommy!”
There’s commotion on the hill, and I see Maya, Liz, Camila carrying Josia, Ben, Landon, and Miami walking toward us with joy and excitement apparent in all of their expressions.
My wide eyes turn to Jacob.
A sheepish smile lights his face. “I thought you’d want to celebrate.”
I stand and blink in awe at my luck in finding the man of my dreams who loves me beyond reason and can give me the one thing I thought I’d never be able to have—two beautiful children.
Jenna shrieks excitedly and claps her hands with Jagger. When she sees me again, she reaches for me. “Mama, mama,” she says.
And I lose it. I start balling the happiest tears I’ve ever cried. Taking Jenna into my arms, I rain kisses all over her face as Jacob takes both of us in a hug. Jagger comes over and wraps his arms around our legs while our friends admire us.
“We’re your family now, Joslyn, just like you’re ours,” Jacob whispers into my ear. “Thank you for making me the happiest man in the world.”
And then he kisses me with a passion and desperation I know will never fade.
My heart is his. It’s always been his since I met him a year ago in this exact place. I never believed in love at first sight until Jacob Ancroft walked into my life. Since then, he’s offered me everything I ever wanted and could hope for. I found a man who worships me, despite my flaws, and one who made me a mom when I never thought it was possible.
Maybe it’s true that, when you want something badly enough, God, the universe, fate, whoever will find an alternative way to make it a reality. All you have to do is have faith in yourself and believe that miracles can happen.
Because of Jacob, Jagger, and Jenna, I’m no longer half the woman I thought myself to be. My new family fills every empty crack of me until I’m overflowing in love and completeness.
I’m finally whole.
THE END
MY STORY
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Half of Me was extremely difficult to write because it’s deeply close to my heart. They say writers always leave a chunk of themselves in each story, but I feel as if this one sliced me open and was written in my blood.
My husband and I wanted a family more than anything. We fought infertility for six years, only to have our story end with my body betraying me.
I learned I had a severe case of endometriosis, and it would ultimately prevent me from conceiving. After years of doctors, testing, many needles, infertility treatments/medications, and three surgeries, my fight to have biological children ended with a Wertheim’s hysterectomy—which means that everything was taken, except for my lymph nodes. That type of hysterectomy is usually reserved for cervical cancer victims, but my endometriosis was so advanced that I required the procedure.
This outcome made me slip into a dark place for a while, but I fought my way out and have learned to accept my lot in life. I’ve been told I handled it well and that I always had a positive attitude—which is true—but it doesn’t mean that I still don’t struggle with the conclusion. Most days are okay, but some days are still difficult. But I’ve learned to overcome my sorrow. I’ve channeled my mothering tendencies to my dogs, and I’ve learned to nurture other dreams I wouldn’t have been able to realize or afford if we’d had children. I try to make the best of every day, despite the loss I will forever feel in the recesses of my heart.
To the women and men who are or will struggle with infertility, my thoughts are with you. There will be days you think the world is fighting against you and that everyone else, except for you, can get pregnant. There will be days you think the pain and loss will never lift and that it will choke and break you. Please don’t succumb. Have bad days. Sob in the corner and grieve. It’s okay. We are only human and can only bear so much. But don’t let your sorrow live and fester in your heart and soul. Don’t let it weigh you down because you deserve happiness in whatever form it might be. Believe in yourself, believe in miracles, and always believe something better is out there, waiting.
I hope every woman and man who wants to be a parent finds their happy ending. No story should end like mine, but I’m okay. I wake up each day, excited about life. My infertility beat me down, but by no means did it break me. I am and will always remain a mother in my heart.
If you would like to read more about my endometriosis/infertility/hysterectomy struggles, please see the article I wrote and published in Good Housekeeping.
http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a32571/hysterectomy-at-34/
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
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Before I break into my thank-yous, here’s a fun fact. The character names for Half of Me were chosen with purpose. My and my husband’s names begin with a J, so we wanted to carry Js down to our children. Our girl choices were Jenna or Joslyn, and our boys were Jagger or Jacob. Each of my characters becomes my babies in a way, so it was an easy choice when it came to naming them for this particular story.
Okay, moving on to the good stuff.
My biggest thank-you goes to my husband, Jeff. You have loved, accepted, and supported me through all of our ups and downs. Everything we’ve been through together has created a bond between us that only few people are blessed to acquire or understand. You carried me when most men would have walked away, which was the deepest and most sincere expression of your character and heart. I love you beyond reason.
Cathy Weeks—I wouldn’t have made it through everything I did without your love, support, hand holding mine, or allowing me to cry on your shoulder and curse at the world. Without fault, you’re there for me through all my ups and downs in everything. I love you mostest.
Kim Bennett (I miss your face!) and Amy Ballard—My soul loves you both so hard. You’ll never understand how much I appreciate you letting me relish the experience of mothering through the two of you. You’re two of the best women I know, and you have always been there to support me. You kept me involved in your pregnancies and gave me direction when I was lost. You’re my heart, I cherish you, and I love you and your kids, as if they were my own.
Phil Foote—I love you, and I’m so thankful you came into my life. You always wish and hope for nothing but the best for me, and I’ll never be able to express how much I value you. Thank you for always being there for me. You’re the one who taught me love and that being present in parenting is more valuable than being related by blood. You’re my dad in every way that matters.
Kerry Clucas—I freaking love you, girlfriend! You’re one of the most thoughtful people I know. To The Lumineers concert and new story ideas. And to trips to Petoskey—I found a way to write it (and me torturing you with Ernest Hemingway’s stool) into the story! A BIG shout-out goes to Phil Clucas and Mike and Najette Hammond on that last part as well. :)
Becky Wyble—Thank you for allowing me to drive you nuts with my writing rants…again. I notice when you periodically roll your eyes at me (and I snicker internally at your agony), but if you randomly smack me upside the head one day, I’ll understand why. Thanks for always being there.
Snoopy—Insert a big he
art-eyes emoji right here. I treasure our talks about the roller coaster of life, love, family, dogs, vacations, and writing. Thank you for everything you do and for always being there. You’re the half-angel and half-devil sitting on my shoulder, cheering me on, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Ashley Faller—I miss seeing your beautiful face every day, but I know you’re rocking this new adventure. Thank you for having my best interests in mind, for pushing me outside my comfort zone (Women Rock!), and for believing in me. Also, you give the best Christmas presents, and I will cherish them for years to come. Love ya!
Marie Hauswirth—You encouraged me to step outside my box and do my first book signing. It’s because of you that I now have the wonderful experience under my belt. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for believing in me, for pushing me beyond my boundaries, and for your excitement. Love ya!
Charlie Paul—Thanks for clueing me in to the happenings around a hospital. We’ll have to exchange more stories when you get home. Love you!
Tracy Clucas—You rock my socks. Thank you for always supporting me, for checking in to see how my writing’s going, and for sharing my stories with your friends. Love ya!
Toni Clary and Darlene Watkins—Your excitement for my next story always warms my heart. You tirelessly help me promote them, and there isn’t a THANK-YOU big enough to express how much I appreciate your support. Love you both bunches! When are we going back to Chicago? :)
Carrie Manning (aka my first fan!)—Thank you for your excitement and generosity in sharing my stories with your friends. It means the world to me. Remember the conversation we had at bowling one night in March? Follow your dreams and desires, girl. All it takes is faith and having the guts to start. xoxo
Amber Hath—I miss our mile-long emails and periodic trips across the state to hang out. There are no words in the English language capable of expressing my sincere thank-you for suggesting my books to your library. It means everything to me. Miss you!
Jovana Shirley at Unforeseen Editing—I really, really appreciate you. You’re an editing machine extraordinaire. Thank you for sprinkling pixie dust over my words, so readers aren’t tortured by the garbage that spews from my fingertips. :)
Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations—You’re a magician. Thank you.
To my Girl Gang (you know who you are)—I love you all so very much and couldn’t get through any of this without you by my side. Sisters before misters and all that. But does it still apply now that we’re all married?
And to my magnificent readers—You are my rock stars. Without you, I wouldn’t be here, and this is exactly where I want to be. Thank you for your passion, your energy, your enthusiasm, and for spreading the word about my stories. YOU are the reason I do this. I heart you so big and appreciate the heck out of you!
To anyone else I forgot to mention, I’m sorry! I was under a deadline. :) Slap me with a wet noodle the next time you see me, and then maybe I’ll remember because I heart pasta. ;)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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J.M. Paul is the author of contemporary romances, The Last Series and stand-alone, Freeing Liberty. A native of Michigan and a graduate of Grand Valley State University, she lives with her high-school-sweetheart-turned-husband and their 140-pound English Mastiff in the Mitten.
J.M. has a slight obsession with holidays, researching vacations she’ll never take, and fashion—although she rarely wears anything but jeans. She’s probably the only author on earth—and person in her family—who doesn’t drink coffee. When she’s not writing, J.M. can be found boating, jogging, cheering for her favorite football teams, running from bees, or reading, because she never goes anywhere without a book.
J.M. Paul loves to hear from her readers and can be found online.
Blog and website: www.jmpaulauthor.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/authorjmpaul.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/authorjmpaul
Twitter: www.twitter.com/_JMPaul