by K. Michelle
“Wow. That almost sounded like the most fucked up apology and blame shift I’ve ever heard,” I rub my head, “What happened to my sister? What’s her name? Do we have the same dad?”
“No, you don’t, and I’m telling you, Dessa. Stop. Digging. You’re going to regret what you find.”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
“Doesn’t matter. But I don’t know her name. I didn’t even hold her. I never even told the guy. Pushed her out and sent her on her way.”
“Why didn’t you give me up? Send me off to live with a family who might have actually treated me decent? I had a better life in the year I was out on the streets than I did with you. The best thing to ever happen to me was Sally. She found me in an ally; cold, starving and ready to fucking pull the trigger on life, and you know what she did? She grabbed me, put me in her car, and decided she was going to pour all the love I’d never been given, into me—plus some.” I chuckle in a way that it’s obvious I don’t think the situation is funny at all. “She did more for me in the little amount of time I was with her than you did for me my entire life.”
“Well then, you’re welcome for being so shitty that you ran away.” She does a fake bow while sitting down.
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what, Dessa? I’m running out of patience for this visit.”
“That your flavor of the month tried raping me that night. But he underestimated the shit you put me through. That’s when he ended up with a steak-knife in his thigh. I packed my shit and left.”
“You’re lying,” she accuses right off the bat.
My eyebrows lift. “Why would I lie about that? You are unbelievable. Un-freaking-believable.” I grab my bag, frantically searching for my keys and the envelope as her eyes fixed on me, debating on whether or not she believes me.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
This is the first time in my life that she has ever looked genuinely concerned.
“You really think you would’ve done something? Senia, you would’ve kicked me out for trying to steal your man or something. Because that’s who you are. You are a selfish, ugly woman. And this is the last time you will ever see me, so get a good look.” I adjust my bag on my shoulder and turn towards the door. “Have a nice life, Senia.” She stares at me with what looks like concern, but it’s far too late for her to try and redeem herself, and I’m too far gone. I run out to my car, texting the only name in my recents these days.
Me: Distract me. I need a reason to hate you some more.
I throw my phone in the passenger seat and head to my place, but when I arrive, I park outside my apartment, sitting in the cold and replaying the visit with Senia. I should’ve never gone, but in a way, it was eye-opening. There was absolutely nothing I could’ve done to make my mother want or love me. There was nothing wrong with me; she said so herself. The only reason my mom hated me was because she had a baby, and it ruined her life. Years wasted wondering what I could’ve done to make my mother love me or want me. It turns out the answer was nothing.
Russo: Come over and help me dig through this fucking pile of papers.
I chew my lip in contemplation. I did ask for it … I know my answer immediately, so this inward debate I’m having is useless.
Me: Be there soon.
I’m sorting through the files I got from Henry’s office. Evan and I spent hours today scouring files upon files. Papers and more papers. Our pile is wilting, but still no luck. Evan’s on a job for Sanctum tonight, so it’s only me. Having to take orders from Henry for Sanctum pisses us off right now. We have no choice but to go on as usual because we need the ease of having inside access to get more information. I’m looking through more foreign words when there’s a timid knock at the door. I get up and open the door to see a version of Dessa I’ve only seen one other time, and I was eight years old then. Her thumbnail is between her teeth, her other hand tapping her thigh. She’s a nervous wreck, and the crinkle between her brow proves so. When her eyes meet mine, the intensity of her features relax, but not all the way. Her shoulders are still tight, and she balls her fists at her sides. Dessa graces me with a half-smile.
“That was a timid knock for such a fierce woman.”
“Wow, did you get that off of a Yoplait lid?”
“I’m a Chobani guy.” And my comment earns me a full, white smile and an eye roll as I step to the side, letting her in. The vibe we’re letting off feels a lot like we just brought the woods into my house, which is dangerous territory, but territory I’ve wanted to expand. We’ve only ever let us truly see each other out there in the heavy fog of trees, where nothing but black surrounds us. No one could come between us, not even each other. “You hungry? I was gonna get some take-away.”
“I’m beyond starving. I’ve had the shittiest day. And holy hell, I am not going to tell you about my day like an old married couple.” I think the last part of that sentence was more for her, not me.
“That would require me to care.” I do.
“Har-har, asshole.”
We both chuckle as she sits on the barstool at my island, and I stand directly across from her. Leaning forward, I plant my arms over the countertop and look up at her. And for a few minutes, we stay like this, staring at each other.
“I know you feel it right now, Dessa. You can take it down and talk to me.” Come on, Little One. Drop that guard.
Her eyes drill holes into mine, and if she doesn’t stop, her teeth will chew through her lip. I let her work out whatever is going through her head.
“Or you don’t have to, and I can order a ridiculous amount of Chinese or pizza or whatever you’re feeling, and we can sort through that mountain of files.” I point to the table, and her eyes grow.
“Wow. You’ve given me some tempting options.” She rolls her eyes. “Sushi. I could put down a ridiculous amount of California rolls. And that fried tuna one.”
I chuckle. “Deal.” I pull up my app and order four California rolls, three fried tuna rolls, a side of rice, and two egg rolls to be delivered. “And done. Should be here soon.”
“So technologically advanced.” She waves her hands. “Can I use your shower? I need to wash the day and places I’ve been off me.”
I stare at Dessa as she grabs her bag and sorts through it. When I don’t reply, she looks up at me. I smirk, letting her know all I’m thinking about is her, naked. In my shower. A smile takes over as she slowly pads toward me, lifting to her toes and bringing her mouth to the side of my face. “I’ll try not to be too long. But I’m very dirty.”
Clearing my throat, I adjust myself and turn as Dessa walks past, adding an extra swing to those hips—the little vixen. Shaking my head, I walk into the kitchen and get glasses down for drinks. Ten minutes later, our sushi arrives, and I set us up a spot in the living room. Pearl Jam plays in the background as she walks into the living room in an oversized USC sweatshirt and fitted sweats. Her hair is down and damp, and her face is free of makeup. Dessa’s fucking stunning, and the torment of temptation boils inside me.
She breathes in the scent of food and moans, torturing the hell out of me. “Damn, I’m so hungry. And you got just enough to feed me.” She rubs her hands together and plops down on the floor next to me, grabbing a plate and loading it fully. I bite back a smile at her enthusiasm because I ordered enough sushi to feed a small army of men.
“Thank you. This is so good,” Dessa says through a full mouth, and I shake my head at her ability to simply be herself, uncaring if you like her or not. It’s completely, “take me or leave me,” and it’s a quality I admire because it’s so rare to find.
“So, what’s got you all up in knots, Little One?”
“Is that what we’re doing now?” She shoves another sushi roll in her mouth. I’m beginning to think she really can eat the majority of this. I shrug my shoulders, eating some of my own before making eye contact with her.
“You know. I know we both get our shits and giggles out of hatin
g each other. I get it because I’ve hated you for as long as you’ve hated me. But, Dessa?” I rub my jaw, wondering if these words are actually coming out of my damn mouth. My heart races in anticipation. “I’m ready to stop playing this game when you are.”
She sets down her chopsticks and brushes her hands off as she looks at me through pinched eyebrows. “Please, enlighten me as to what game we’re playing, Cohen.”
“The one like the time I found you bruised and broken in the woods when we were kids, and it was easier to hate each other than talk about what that night did to the both of us. We knew we found what was missing that night, and we found it in each other. Because, Dessa, ignoring what’s really between us is easy. Fueling our hate is the coward’s way out, and I’m done being a coward. So, I need you to admit it. When it’s only us in those woods, you feel what I feel.”
“What do you feel?” She’s curious now.
I lean towards her, lifting her chin with my finger until her eyes meet mine, and I shake my head. “There are these fleeting moments of clarity that hit me harder than any amount of rage ever could. And it’s when you try to prove you don’t want anything more than the bickering or fighting. But it’s a lie. We both know why we’ve always hated each other. Why we both forced it so much.” Her eyes are glued to mine, soaking up every word. I lean in a little more, only a hairs-length away, the heat of our lips teasing our senses. “It’s because you’re the only girl I have ever wanted to be mine, ever wanted to love. And I know you’d say the same thing about me. But we’re stubborn and prideful and selfish, and it would be easier to hate than it would be to love, and it fuels our fire even more.”
Dessa’s throat bobs as she swallows, eyes batting back and forth between mine. “I don’t know the first thing about love, Cohen. I was deprived of it my entire life, until Sally,” she scoffs as she backs away from me and rubs her hands down her face. “The night I left my mom’s house, her boyfriend, or whatever he was, tried to rape me. You know me, I don’t back down. I got away from him and into the kitchen. He followed, and I put a knife in him, the first one I could grab. I’m not asking for pity, because nothing happened. My mom walked in, seeing a knife in her boyfriend, and she screamed at me, already throwing blame my way. Senia didn’t even ask me what happened or if I was okay. She told me that was the last straw, and I needed to get the hell out. Called me an ungrateful little bitch, not one ounce of love or compassion for her sixteen-year-old daughter who lived for her approval. That’s when I knew I’d never get love, or even kindness, from her. Some women aren’t fit to be mothers, and it was clear to me she was one of them. So, I stole the small stack of money she kept in a coffee can for bills, packed a bag, and left.”
She chuckles silently. “It was my ‘fuck you’ to her for being such a terrible mother. The streets were scarier and safer all at once. It’s hard to explain, but I was lucky to meet several people. We banded together and survived for as long as we could. I woke up one morning, and they were gone, a story for another day, but I remember how my chest felt heavy—so fucking heavy. It took all my energy just to breathe, and every time I did, I thought my head would explode. I was freezing and burning up at the same time, starving and wearing soaking wet clothes from the snow. I couldn’t move out of that alley, and I just knew right then my friends weren’t going to come for me. The sun went down, and I was still stuck in that alley, too sick to move, and then up pulls Sally. My own personal lighthouse. Picked me up and put me in her car. She kept me. She chose me. She could’ve easily passed me by, like dirt on the bottom of her shoe, but she didn’t. Sally saw a broken and sick teenage girl and decided she wanted me, and she wanted to love me. It was a concept I couldn’t fathom for a really long time.”
Dessa’s picking at her nails and looking everywhere else but me. But here I am, and I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s telling me the dirty parts she’s always hidden from me. The parts she didn’t want me to dig and find.
Dessa inhales a deep breath. “I received something while I was at USC and needed to confront my mom about it. Today was the first time I’d been back since leaving that night years ago. I didn’t leave with the answers I was looking for, but she managed to give me the realizations I needed. My mom never wanted me. I was given to her by divine design and there was nothing I could ever do to make her love or want me. There was no deed on this Earth for me to do what was good enough for her. As a daughter, you always wonder that, you know? Could I have done more? Something to make her love me? And today, I learned the answer is no. Sally is the best thing to ever happen in my life. I didn’t treat her the best as a teenager, but love was foreign to me. I detested it because I wanted it so bad and never got it. But I’ve realized so much between leaving and coming back home.”
Dessa clears her throat and lifts her eyes to mine. “I don’t know what to do with love when it’s given to me, let alone how to give it, Cohen. You can tell me all the words you want about us quitting this game and giving in to what we both may want, but just because I want to love you, doesn’t mean I know how to.” She pauses, letting her confession wash over both of us. “Plus, even if we did decide right here and now to stop with the back and forth banter, I’m not ready to receive your love when I just started getting used to your hate again.”
“Well, whether we like it or not, our game will have a different dynamic after tonight.”
“You might be right, but at least you know where I stand. At least you know why we’re so different, how my life was messy and jagged compared to your cookie-cutter upbringing,” she says with disdain, and it makes her statement irk me.
“I can respect that, but I can also relate to what you’re saying. You’re not the only one with a shitty childhood, Dessa.”
She raises her brow, questioning me. “Okay. Well, while you grew up in a clean, massive home with plenty of money and food to spare, I … did not. We couldn’t be more opposite.” She picks some more sushi, diverting her eyes from mine. I stare at her, wondering how much I want to share. I hate talking about this shit, the reason I’ve never brought it up with anyone.
I shake my head, deciding to bite my tongue, not in the mood for her sour ass tonight. To be honest, I don’t need her condescending attitude.
Dessa sighs as if I’m the one being a pain in her ass.
“Spit it out, Cohen.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I think a lesson is about to be taught.
“You clearly are annoyed by my remark. What’s in that brain of yours?”
“Right now, I want to hurt you in a way that will make you learn a lesson for talking to me like that.” My rebuttal makes her eyebrows shoot up, and my blood cools to a simmer at her shock. “Prior to your attitude, I thought you were a lot smarter than assuming you know someone by the inanimate objects surrounding them, family included.”
She bites her lip and rubs her forehead, her black nails a stark contrast to her bare skin. “No, you’re right. Can I blame that on my shitty day? I’ll even call a truce for tonight.”
I wait a minute before nodding with a small smile, and we stare at each other for a bit. The silence around us is comforting like the fire before us. She lets out a breath and gives me a timid smile, tucking her hair behind her ears.
“So … what did you receive that made you go see your mom today?”
She huffs, annoyed I caught on to the little detail. Her mouth pulls to the side as she contemplates her words for a bit. “Cohen, you cannot tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”
I hold up my fingers. “Scouts honor.”
“Nice try, Asshole. You were never a scout. I need a pinky promise.” She holds out her pinky.
“Are you serious?”
“Uh, yeah. You just tried to ‘scouts honor’ me, don’t act like this is so weird.”
I roll my eyes and wrap my pinky around hers.
“Okay,” she releases a breath, “last year, I got a letter in the mail. It basically said I had a sister. My mind explod
ed, but I just knew in the bottom of my stomach it was true, and I have the strongest urge to find her. It said she needed my help, and it didn’t take long for me to decide I’d do everything in my power to find her. I couldn’t exactly leave college, plus I only had a year left, and I didn’t know where she was. So, I tried to do as much as I could from California. After graduation and my art picked up, I decided to come back here and search. It doesn’t matter where I do my art anyways, as it’s all online. But when I talked to Senia today, she swore she didn’t send it and warned me several times to stop digging, that I’d regret it. Which, of course, makes me want to dig even deeper, naturally. But she wouldn’t give me any leads. She had nothing. I’m still stuck at square one.”
“Do you have the letter?” My brain is working overtime, wondering if this could have any correlation to the pictures Sanctum has of Dessa, which she still doesn’t know about.
“I actually do.” Standing, she walks to her purse, pulls out the envelope, and hands it to me.
After opening it, I don’t recognize anything about it. But my gut instinct is telling me this might have something to do with Sanctum. It’s too much of a coincidence not to. “You know, Evan and I can help you. If you want, that is.”
“No! I can’t ask that of you. This is my … thing.”
“You didn’t. I offered.”
She mulls it over, hesitant to answer, but she does. “I think I’m going to take you up on that. I would really appreciate the help, honestly. Thank you, Cohen.”
I nod. We’re silent for several minutes, picking at our food again. I clear my throat, deciding to bite the bullet. “My dad stopped being my dad at a very young age.”
“What do you mean?”
Rubbing the back of my neck, I wonder what the hell I’m doing. I could be making a huge mistake right now, considering I don’t have solid evidence of anything on my mom or Dessa.