“Is that what you do?”
“What do you mean?”
“Pretending to be straight. Isn’t that a con?”
Hurt flashed across her face, but she washed it away with a swipe of her hand and a sip of tea. “I don’t pretend. People assume, and I don’t correct them.”
We sat silently, slurping our teas. The tension was killing me. “Practice your speech on me.”
“Thanks, but—”
I motioned for her to zip it. “Please, I’d really like to know more about Demara. And clearly, I need to learn a few tricks of the trade to stop stepping in it.”
That made her smile. “Okay, but don’t expect too much. I think you need more help than my speech can offer.” She followed that up with a heartfelt shake of the head.
Chapter Seven
A knock sounded on the door, causing me to cringe. When I had invited Josh to visit, it was during a moment of weakness. I convinced myself I missed him and that once I saw him, old feelings would surge through me. Since placing that phone call, I realized guilt had guided my thoughts. Saying I didn’t miss Josh at the G&T party, which seemed like a lifetime ago since learning about Gem, planted a seed of remorse. Lately, I’d spent more time thinking about finding a girl for Gemma and no time thinking about my own situation.
Maybe I missed the idea of having someone. Would it be possible when I opened the door and saw Josh in the flesh that I’d feel differently?
The person knocked again. “Tegan? You in there?”
“Here goes nothing,” I mumbled on my way to the door.
“Jesus, I’m tired,” he said as soon as I swung the door open. “Got any beer?”
I laughed, squeezing to the side to let him in. “That’s the first thing you say?”
His smile revealed the dimple in his left cheek I had always found adorable. Josh placed his army-colored bag on the floor and enveloped me in his arms. “It’s good to see you.”
I melted against his firm chest. Maybe I did miss him.
“Got any beer?”
I backpedaled and slapped his arm. “No! But it’s Friday night, and finding free beer in this town is pretty easy. First, you need to freshen up.” I plugged my nose.
“Sorry. Slept through my alarm and didn’t have time to shower before hitting the road.” He surveyed the room. “Wow! Your room is huge compared to mine.”
“You have to be joking.” I scanned the room. “Gem and I are always bumping into each other.”
He shook his head. “Nope. Everything’s bigger in Texas, except the dorm rooms.” He stretched his arms over his head. “Where is your roommate?”
“She’s staying a few doors down.”
He boosted an eyebrow. “Does that mean we have the place to ourselves all weekend?”
“It does.” I tried to sound seductive but couldn’t muster the energy to pull it off like I did back in high school. Was the spark gone?
Not that he bothered to notice. Josh manhandled my arm. “You’re lucky your dad splurged by getting you a room with a private bathroom. That’s another thing that’s different. I’ve been showering with other men.”
“Really? Do you need to confess anything?” I joked.
The look of revulsion on his face stunned me. “I’m not sick in the head.”
I put my hands up in mock surrender and stammered, “K-kidding.”
Most of the boys back home would say fag and faggot during heated moments, but I hadn’t thought about it too much. That was just talk—or so I thought. Was Josh homophobic?
The revulsion slid off his face. “Get naked.” He tore off his Carhartt jacket and T-shirt and shucked his boots and jeans. All he had on were tube socks and tighty whities. He flexed his arms overhead like he was competing in a bodybuilding competition. “Like what you see?”
All I could process was Josh had been wearing cowboy boots. Was that a Texas thing? Along with his homophobia? However, we had never seriously discussed gays before, so maybe he’d always been homophobic. Only now he had the added flare of shit-kickers.
He morphed into a different muscleman pose. “I’m waiting. Or are you too overcome by my manliness?”
I chuckled. “Come on, chicken legs. Let’s get you clean.” I led him by the hand to the shower room. The phone rang, but Josh’s engines were revving and there would be no stopping him now.
Before the water had a chance to get hot, Josh had me wrapped around his waist and up against the wall. I clutched his back with my eyes squeezed shut. He wasn’t as large as my previous boyfriend, but he had a firmer grasp of what made a woman feel good, and when in the zone, he had an amazing ability to hold on until I was satisfied.
I fisted his hair as he penetrated deeper. I missed this part of the relationship.
***
We exited the bathroom and entered the dorm room, both in our birthday suits since I’d neglected to procure towels.
“How do you like it here?” Josh asked.
“It’s good.” It hit me that we were acting like strangers now that the one thing that brought us closer was over. Maybe my friends back home had been right—it was better to make a clean break before leaving for college. Distance didn’t always make the heart grow fonder, and from the blankness on his face, he was thinking the same.
Before I could ponder further, Gemma, Jenny, and April crashed into the room. I yelped and grabbed the comforter from my bed.
Josh hid his penis with both hands.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” Gemma shielded her eyes. “I called earlier to make sure no one was here.”
“Oh, they’re here all right.” April zeroed in on Josh’s hands. “In all their glory.”
In the movies, Julia Roberts or someone would have had a snappy line to deflate the awkwardness from the situation, but all cleverness seeped out of my brain. “Do you need something?” I stammered, doing my best to pretend everything was normal.
“Forgot my wallet. It’s okay. I don’t need it.” Gemma rounded toward the door and shoved the startled Jenny and grinning April into the hallway.
“Gem, wait.” I snared her wallet from her desk and chucked it to her.
She nodded her thanks and slammed the door shut.
Josh burst into laughter, and I heaved a gut-wrenching sigh.
***
After the debacle in the dorm room, I couldn’t face Gemma, so I opted to drive across town for a party I had heard about from a guy in my nutrition class, knowing that the carless Gemma and crew wouldn’t be there.
Josh had made friends at the party, and they invited us to tailgate before the game the following day. We woke up late and didn’t have much time before making a mad dash to the stadium.
“Since when did you start liking football?” I asked after the tenth time he urged me to hurry once we had ditched my car, thinking it’d be easier to find them on foot.
“I’ve always liked football,” he said in a voice that claimed he was manlier than most. Another product of living in the Lone Star State?
I bit my lip. No, he decidedly did not like football, but was it worth arguing over? We only had one day left before he needed to hit the road at the crack of dawn on Sunday.
“They’re over there.” He gestured for me to follow.
“Josh, my man.” A guy named Derek chest-bumped my boyfriend, who until that moment, I’d never thought of as a chest-bumping kind of guy.
Another guy handed him a plastic cup. “Nectar of the gods.”
I glanced around but didn’t see anyone I knew, and Josh was too busy talking with his new buddies to notice I was standing all alone. Fuming, I meandered to the table and tent off to the side. At least there were burgers and brats.
“Tegan!” Jenny waved from across the parking lot. Gemma was at her side, along with Michelle and Seb. “Come on over!”
In a town the size of an ant colony, I knew it would be next to impossible not encountering anyone I knew
. Still, I had hoped we could avoid happening upon the people who saw us naked right after fucking in the shower.
I caught Josh’s eye and pantomimed if he wanted to join me and my friends. He held up a finger, laughing, and then gave his full attention to the guys he had met last night. My mind flitted to a night I’d had dinner with Josh and his parents; his mother had a bored glazed look the entire time, while his father didn’t pay her a speck of attention. I shuddered and quickly crossed the lot to safety.
“What are you doing here?” Jenny thrust a beer into my hand.
“Thanks, but I’m driving,” I said, pushing the can back at Jenny.
Gemma fished a Coke out of a cooler and popped the top for me.
“Thanks. Josh made some friends last night and insisted we tailgate with them today.”
“Is that the Josh?” Michelle asked, squinting to get a better glimpse.
“In the flesh.” Remembering what had happened the previous day, the heat rose to my cheeks.
Jenny sniggered until Gemma drilled her elbow into Jenny’s side, bringing her in line.
“I guess he prefers hanging out with the boys.” I slurped my drink, shrugging.
“No matter.” Michelle ringed an arm around my neck. “You can hang with us.”
All of them wore Hill University sweatshirts, except for Gemma, who stayed true to her Huskers. I tightened my coat. Besides the jock aspect of football, I wasn’t a fan of a sport that involved being outside on a cold, windy day.
“Have a burger. It’ll warm you up.” Gemma motioned to the grill. Too bad she didn’t have a brother, because I had no doubt he’d treat me better than my boyfriend, who was playing beer pong while I froze my ass off.
***
Josh and I stumbled into the dorm room a little after two in the morning on Sunday. He had to leave in five hours to make it back to Lubbock before midnight.
He sat on the foot of my bed. “Help me with my boots.”
I squatted at his feet. “Who helps you in Texas?” I yanked on his left boot with little success. I repositioned with my back to Josh and his leg between mine.
Josh steadied himself with his right hand on the wall. His left hand stroked my exposed backside. “I’m not usually this drunk, darling.”
“For your information, when some dudes you don’t really know or you likely won’t ever see again challenge you to do keg stands, you don’t have to rise to the challenge.”
“I always rise to the occasion.” His words held meaning I’d been blocking out of my mind all night after he ditched me to hang with the boys. From experience, his skills decreased drastically with each beer.
“You men are all the same.”
“Not true. I kicked all their butts. Not one could match me. I think I drank at least half of that keg.” He belched.
“Right. I’m so proud,” I sneered and tugged on his other boot, having to put a leg on the bed to get enough oomph to pull the sucker off. Once it became free, I tumbled headfirst into the closet door.
Josh put his arms out, too inebriated to stand and properly help me off the ground. “You okay?” Without waiting for me to answer, he said, “Come here.” He wore his I’m ready to screw smile.
Still seated on the floor, I looked at his smug grin, mussed hair from his cowboy hat (a new, and unwelcome, addition to his wardrobe since going to college), and red eyes. Reluctantly, I got to my feet with the intention of freshening up so he’d fall asleep waiting for me. “I need to shower first.”
“No you don’t. Come on.” He managed to latch onto one of my arms, pulling me down on top of him.
His kiss was overly sloppy and wet, but mercifully short. Josh rolled on top of me, fumbling with his belt buckle. Even drunk, he managed to shuck his jeans and underwear at lightning speed, and his clumsy fingers worked on mine, dispensing them too easily for my liking. I rolled my head to the side. The sight of Gemma’s empty bed made my heart lurch into my throat. Josh wedged a knee between my legs, his soldier coming to attention.
Having sex with Josh was the last thing I wanted to be doing at the moment, considering how miffed I was that he made me look like an ass in front of my friends. I wondered what Gemma was up to in Jenny’s room. The thought of the three of them experimenting in bed flashed into my mind.
“Kiss me,” Josh said. “It’s like you’re miles away.”
I forced a smile and met his lips, imagining he was someone else.
But who?
The blurry image of the person I’d rather be kissing infiltrated my mind.
All that was discernable was red hair. Weird. I’d never dated a ginger before.
Before I could overthink it, Josh’s arms gave out and he toppled onto me, his cock flickering at my entrance, causing my hole to tighten. At six-four and one hundred and seventy-five pounds, his useless, drunken body was too much on top of mine.
“You’re squashing me.” I jabbed my hip and arms upward, trying to make room.
“Sorry, darling. I’m a bit tired.” He nuzzled his face in the crook of my neck, still trying to gain access below.
I wanted to scream, “Stop calling me darling!” It was another unwelcome trait he had picked up recently, and I wondered whom he called darling in Lubbock. College had changed him—and not to my liking.
“I’ve missed you so much.” His soft penetrating eyes reminded me of the man I used to know.
“Roll over onto your back,” I said. “Let me help.”
With Josh off me, I reached for his penis, taking it firmly into my hand.
He closed his eyes and groaned. “You feel so good.”
I worked my hand rhythmically, and he clasped his hand over mine.
“I wish we weren’t so far apart. God I miss you… this.” He shuddered, and I realized he was about to come.
I frantically searched for a towel or something.
“Here.” He handed me a white shirt. “I don’t want to spoil your nice bedspread.”
I smeared his come into the shirt, spreading the fabric to find a dry spot. That was when I realized what he’d handed to me. “Josh!”
He opened his beer-goggle eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“You gave me one of Gemma’s shirts!”
He looked at the shirt in my hands. “Oh. I thought it was yours. It was under your pillow.”
“I can’t believe you.”
“How was I supposed to know? After you wash it, she won’t be the wiser.” He winked. “It’ll be our secret.”
“But—”
He placed a finger on my lips. “I have to get some sleep for the drive back.”
I whacked his chest with a fist.
“Jesus, Tegan. You’re acting like I killed someone. What’s your problem? I drove over ten hours to see you, and you’re busting my balls for handing you someone else’s shirt. Why was the shirt under your pillow if it wasn’t yours?” Some clarity glimmered in his eyes. Or was I imaging it?
“Don’t change the subject.” I shook a crusty finger at him.
He sighed. “Whatever. I’ll buy her a new fucking shirt, okay? Can I get some sleep now?” His eyes shut, and I knew from his ragged breaths it wouldn’t be long until he was sawing logs.
I swung off the bed, taking Gemma’s shirt to the sink to rinse off Josh’s spunk, but I couldn’t bring myself to salvage it. There was no way I’d let Gem slip on any article of clothing that had been contaminated by Josh. Not with his semen seeped into the weave of the cotton. It seemed like an abomination. I’d buy her three new shirts to replace this one. I buried the shirt in the trash can in the bathroom and then hopped into the shower.
Afterward, I came out to find Josh dead to the world on his back in the center of my bed—his arms spread out and feet hanging off the end as drool trickled from the corner of his mouth. I sighed and climbed into Gemma’s bed, finally feeling at peace for the first time that night. I breathed deeply into her pillow, slightly alarmed by t
he impulse and confused by the comfort it provided.
***
“How was your weekend? Sleep okay in Jenny’s room?” I asked Gemma when she returned to the room a little after eleven in the morning.
She jostled her neck back and forth. “Not too bad. Jenny had an air mattress for me.”
“She’s a sweetheart.”
“The absolute best.”
I swallowed.
“You?” she asked.
“Well, some have said I’m all that and a bag of chips.” I put a hand on one hip, jutting it out like a 1940s actress on premier night.
Gemma pointed to my wall calendar taped next to my bedside. “You need a long black glove and a cigarette on a stick.”
I studied Marlene Dietrich’s image. “Yeah, right. I’ll never be that glamorous.”
“Not with that attitude.” Gemma fell onto her bed. “Gosh, I’m sorry. I totally forgot to make my bed. What did Josh think?”
I laughed. “Josh! He’d never notice if there was an undetonated atom bomb in the middle of the room. Besides, he passed out drunk in the middle of my bed, so I slept in yours. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Too much beer pong yesterday?” With a grin so wide it split her face in two, she hugged her pillow to her chest.
Confused about why she seemed so happy, I asked, “What’d you guys do last night?”
“Nothing much. Hung out, talked, and fell asleep watching Saturday Night Live.”
“Funny?”
“Not bad.” She shrugged. “Was it nice seeing Josh?” The confidence she had exuded moments ago slithered away.
I sat next to Gem on the bed, my legs crossed and my back against the window. “I don’t know, really. It was weird. We hardly ever talk on the phone, and he’s only written me one letter. And when I saw him in a cowboy hat and boots, I didn’t know what to think. How did he change so much in three months? And have I changed?”
“He doesn’t normally dress like that?”
“No way. I’d never date a hick—” I realized what I said and to whom. “Not that there’s anything wrong with hicks. I just can’t stand fake hicks; that’s all.” I chomped down on my bottom lip and released a puff of air.
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