“No, I don’t think so.”
He jabbed the air with a finger. “First rule, before you go in, you have to know exactly what you’re taking.”
“A diary.”
He rested his elbow on the door, propping up his head with his fingers. “You want to break into someone’s place to read their diary?”
“Not read. Burn.”
“Breaking in and burning books. Who are you? The gestapo?”
“Very funny. Will you help me?”
“Will you tell me why you want to burn the diary?”
“Do I have to?”
He bobbed his head as if weighing his leverage. “Considering I may commit a felony with you, yes, I think I should know why.”
“Because if I don’t and the contents get revealed, Gemma will dump me.”
“Ah.” He thumped his thigh with the back of his hand. “I should have known love was at the center of this mad caper.”
“It’s not mad.”
“Breaking and entering isn’t the usual course of action for someone like you.”
I huffed.
“What’d you do? Cheat?”
“Of course not,” I hollered.
He covered his ears. “No reason to burst my eardrums. If you didn’t cheat, why would Gemma dump you?”
“Because she may think I did, when I most certainly didn’t.”
He circled his fingers toward his chest. “Back it up, missy. Start at the beginning.”
I told him about the Bernie situation, discovering her affair and then the dreaded kiss.
He remained silent, looking out the side window, watching a stuffy professor in a plaid shirt unlocking a beat-up Ford Taurus next to us. “Technically, she assaulted you.”
I started to object but then realized he was right. “She did, didn’t she?”
He held up a finger. “But, not telling Gemma or anyone right away complicates things. Now it’s a he said, she said—rather, a she said, she said scenario. Is Gemma the jealous type?”
I explained what happened last semester with Erik.
“That’s a yes, then.” Cuddy inserted his fingers into his mouth and bit down.
Again, we sat in silence.
Cuddy puffed out his cheeks. “I don’t see a way around it. I have to get the diary.”
“You?”
“I can’t leave a crime of this magnitude to the likes of you.” He placed a hand on my shoulder. “Leave it to me. I’ll get it.”
I laughed. “You don’t even know where she lives.” Realizing time was ticking away, I started the car and made my way out of the lot.
“Do to. In fact, I hung out with Jenny just yesterday after her softball practice.”
“You and Jenny hangout at her place? Doing what?”
“Heroin. What do you do in your spare time? Besides boffing Gemma?”
I rolled my eyes.
“We do what other people do. Talk about this meaningless life.” He puffed out his chest professor-like.
I tried picturing Jenny and Cuddy deep in conversation but couldn’t.
Then I realized the magnitude of the situation. “Wait, do you go over often?”
“I have been.”
“So, you can distract Jenny and then rifle through Bernie’s things. Technically, that wouldn’t be breaking and entering.”
He nodded. “Consider it done. Actually, drop me off now. There’s no time like the present to steal the bitch’s diary.”
I flipped a U-turn on the side street, heading back to the main road. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
“You could let me hide in the closet when you and Gemma have sex.”
“Stop mentioning that. It’s creepy.”
“It’s so not creepy. If you two ever want to make a killing, let me know. Millions of dudes would love to watch you two.”
I swung a left at the light. “And how do you propose sneaking millions into my closet?”
“Record it, of course. How else does one make porn?”
I checked his face. “Sometimes, I really wonder about you.”
“Only sometimes? I need to up my street cred.” He tugged on the collar of his tie-dye Grateful Dead shirt.
We pulled up outside of Jenny’s apartment building.
Cuddy hopped out and released his bike. “Thanks for the lift!”
“Thanks for the help. I’ll see you later.”
“Right, partner.” He said it like an old-west gunslinger.
“Don’t get caught,” I said through the open window.
“I’ve got this. Now scoot and act normal. Fall down or something.” He waved goodbye over his shoulders, which were heaving from laughing.
“My reputation in this town is shot,” I muttered as I rolled up my car window.
***
Three hours later, Cuddy and Jenny showed up at the apartment, looking like they’d been drinking the entire time. Both pairs of eyes were a vivid red. While it wasn’t unusual for most Hill students to drink excessively, something about their furtive glances made the hairs on my big toes stand up.
“You got any chips? I’m starving.” Jenny opened the cabinet containing our plates and bowls, quickly closing it and opening the cupboard next to it. She seized a box of Saltines and immediately unfurled a sleeve of half-eaten crackers.
“Are you two high?” I squinted at their faces, trying to remember the signs from the drugs and human body class I took last year.
“As a kite.” Jenny giggled.
“Where in the world did you get pot?” I asked, knowing it wasn’t all that hard to find on campus.
Both Jenny and Cuddy pointed at the other, inciting another bout of giggles.
“Out!” I pointed to the kitchen exit. “I’m running late and don’t need your help in here.”
Jenny palmed the box of Saltines and left.
Cuddy waited a moment before tugging a leather-bound diary from his backpack. “A gift for you, princess.”
My eyes widened. “You got it?”
“Doesn’t it look like it?”
I eyed the object. “I’ve never seen it before, but it has to be it.” I cracked it open right when Gemma entered the apartment, shouting hello. I hurriedly tossed the book into the drawer where we kept our dish towels and hot pads. “In the kitchen.”
Gemma rounded the corner. “There’s my stunning girlfriend.” She kissed my cheek. “Cuddy,” Gemma said in a cheery voice.
“Good grief! Can you two stop rubbing it in my face?” Cuddy playfully stormed out of the kitchen, and I suspected he did so to offer me a moment to compose myself.
“What’s wrong with him?” Gemma opened the fridge. Leaning against the half wall next to the fridge, she popped open a Coke, the fizzing sound bouncing off the walls.
“Apparently, we both have the just fucked look all the time, and he’s jealous. He actually tried to convince me to agree to let him record us in bed to make extra dough. Men love to jerk off while watching lesbians screw, according to our big-eared hobbit friend.”
Gemma crinkled her nose. “Not sure porn star would be a great addition for my resume, considering my ultimate goal is to be a stuffy economist, in your words.”
I beckoned her with my finger. “Forget that. Come here and give me a proper hello.”
“Now that I can agree with one hundred percent.” She leaned in, kissing me, sweetly at first, but it rapidly morphed into a kiss that gave the indication she was questioning why we invited friends over today instead of heading straight for bed when we got home.
Bernie burst into the kitchen, not looking like her usual composed and ass-kicking self. “Quick! I need paper towels.”
“What’s wrong?” Gemma asked.
“Jenny cut her hand on a beer can when trying to pop the tag off.”
“We’re out of paper towels, but…” Gemma pointed to the drawer that held the dishrags and Bernie’s diary.
“No! You can’t!” I shouted, much to both of their surprise if their dropped jaws were any indication. My mind raced for a valid excuse.
The Great Diary Caper
Chapter One
“Jesus, Tegan! I’ll replace your precious dish towel.” Bernie tried to shove me out of the way to get into the drawer.
“I’m not worried about the towel. It’s Jenny I’m thinking of.” I put my hands on each of her shoulders. “Remember, I’m a nursing student. We need something sterile.” I reached under the kitchen sink for the first aid kit. The one Gemma received when she took a first aid class last semester because I had a knack for getting into precarious scrapes. My redhead probably didn’t see her concern helping me in this particular hot mess. Gripping the red bag, I asked, “Where is she?”
“On the balcony.” Bernie motioned to follow her, looking like a soldier charging into battle.
Outside, Jenny sat on one of the folding chairs, holding her right hand in her lap, rocking back and forth. “Fuck, it hurts.”
Cuddy patted her back. “Nurse Tegan is here.”
I hunched down, opened the bag, and removed a swatch of gauze. “Let’s get the bleeding to stop.” I applied pressure on her finger. “Why did you pop the tab off the can?”
Jenny squirmed. “I was going to give the fuck tab to Bernie so she’d have—”
I cut her off before she could say to fuck me. “There are safer methods of seduction.”
“Now you tell me.” Jenny’s laughter was brief. “I’ve done it hundreds of times before.”
I suspected being high and drunk played a role in the mishap. “Maybe it’s time to retire that party game.” I peeked under the gauze, controlling an urge to wince. “It’s a pretty deep cut,” I said to Bernie and Gemma, who were hovering over my shoulder. “I’m not sure if she needs stitches. Maybe she should see a doctor.” How did she slice her finger so deep on a beer can?
Jenny shook her head, leaning away from me. “I don’t like needles.”
Bernie moved to Jenny’s side. “It’s okay. I’ll be right there the entire time.”
Jenny buried her head into Bernie’s side. “You won’t leave me?” The desperation in her voice made it clear Jenny wasn’t only talking about being there at the hospital.
Bernie wrapped an arm around her girlfriend’s shoulder. “Of course not. How could I leave my injured Jenny Bear?”
Jenny Bear? To borrow a hideous eighties phrase, “Gag me with a spoon.”
Curbing my desire to rip into Bernie for everything, I rose. “Let’s get you to a doctor.” I asked Gemma to grab my car keys from the kitchen silverware drawer.
Bernie, glued to Jenny’s side, walked her down the flight of stairs as if Jenny were an invalid. It made me sick, seeing Bernie acting overly concerned about Jenny, the woman she was cheating on. Guilty, much?
“Cuddy, will you come with me?” I wheeled around to Gemma. “I think you should stay, unfortunately. Guests will keep arriving, and I’m not comfortable letting them have free rein of our place.”
“Right. Good thinking.” Gemma brushed her lips against my cheek. “Well done, Nurse Tegan. I’m proud of you.”
***
Hours later, Gemma and Cuddy walked the last G&T guest back to her apartment, which was luckily in the building on the other side of the pool.
“Did Cuddy head home? I didn’t get a chance to say goodnight and to thank him for going with Jenny,” I said to Gemma, when she reappeared in the apartment doorway.
Shutting the front door, Gem engaged the deadbolt. “I think so, but with him…” She shrugged.
“Meriadoc Cuddy, our very own James Bond.”
“Not so sure about that. He’s kinda squirrely, though, and doesn’t ever really state his intentions.” Gemma collapsed onto the couch next to me, placing her hand on my thigh. “I’m glad Jenny’s fine.”
“A few stitches and she’s as good as new.”
“And loving the extra attention from everyone. How many times did she recount the story tonight?” Gemma laughed quietly.
“Who knows? I love her, but sometimes she’s a bit much. She acted like she singlehandedly rescued kittens from a burning fire, when in reality, she was trying to get laid.” I didn’t want to verbalize my theory that Jenny intentionally sliced her finger to get Bernie to feel sorry for her. Could someone be that desperate? Asks the diary-stealing woman.
“I never got the whole fuck tab theory.” Gemma made quote marks.
“If I had to guess, a guy came up with it.”
“It’s coercion, if you ask me.”
I turned my head slowly to her. “Does that mean if I pop this tag off, you won’t put out?” I shook the nearly empty Keystone Light can. The gin had run out around midnight and most of the guests skedaddled soon after.
She flicked her fingers. “It’s different coming from you. But if some random person handed me one, I’d… punch the person in the face.”
I laughed, trying to picture my sweet Gemma knocking someone’s lights out. “I’d like to see that. And you’re forgetting a person has to accept the tab. It’s more like a contract.”
Gemma moved on the couch to face me. “Does that mean you’ve either given or accepted one?”
I slapped her thigh. “Of course not! I just know the rules; that’s all.”
“Uh-huh.”
I blinked. “You don’t believe me.”
She crossed her arms playfully. “I don’t.”
“Gemma!”
“It’s hard to trust you when I know for a fact you’re keeping a secret.”
I couldn’t see my reflection in the mirror across the room, but I sensed all the color draining from my face.
Gemma pointed at my face, laughing. “I knew it!”
I wiped my left eye, which had started to twitch. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gemma nudged my knee with hers. “I think you do.”
I placed a hand on my chest. “I don’t. What’s this secret you think I’m keeping?” My voice came out harder than I intended.
Gemma rose, disappearing in the kitchen and then returning with the black diary in her hand. “You didn’t want Bernie to find your diary earlier.” She flicked the pages, not opening it all the way. “I didn’t know you started keeping one.”
I snatched it from her hands.
She laughed, darting her hands up in surrender fashion. “It’s okay, Teeg. I’d never read it. Hiding it in the kitchen is an interesting choice.”
I needed to redirect her from the kitchen angle, because no one I knew would stash their journal there. “This is the secret you were referring to?”
Gemma nodded, still chuckling. “Yes and methinks you’re overreacting some. Not surprising, considering.”
“What do you mean by that?” I tucked Bernie’s diary under my thigh.
“It’s been an eventful night.” She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. “I don’t know about you, but I’m wrecked. Let’s go to bed.” Gemma rose, putting a hand out to help me off the couch.
“I’ll be there in a minute,” I said.
“Need time to write your wannabe Samuel Pepys?”
My face twisted into a question.
Gemma shook her head. “Don’t overreact. He’s famous for keeping a diary in the sixteen hundreds.”
“Right, because everyone knows that. Have I told you lately you’re a nerd?” I smiled, motioning for her to lean down for a kiss.
She gave me a quick smooch. “Don’t stay up too late. I can’t sleep when you aren’t next to me.”
I blew her a kiss, which she pretended to catch.
Once I heard her turn the shower on, I flipped the diary open to the first page, immediately cursing Cuddy. My eyes read yesterday’s date. “It’s brand spanking new!” I slapped the book against my thigh, instantly regretting my tantrum. “Ouch!”
Chapter Two
/> The next day, I dialed Cuddy’s number seconds after Gemma left early to print an assignment in the computer lab.
“Somebody better be dead,” he said in a groggy voice.
“You.” I twirled the phone cord around my finger, leaning against the fridge door.
“Who is this?” he responded, sounding much more alert.
“Tegan. Who did you think I was?”
Cuddy laughed. “No one. What’s wrong?”
“You got the wrong one.”
“The wrong what?”
“Diary. The one you gave me yesterday was a new one.”
“How do you know that?”
I shook the phone in frustration before placing it back to my ear. “Because of the date. Didn’t you open it and look?”
“Hey, I may steal diaries, but I don’t read them.”
Great. My James Bond had a conscience to a crucial degree.
“Listen,” he continued. “I’m going to Jenny’s later today to check on her. Why don’t you stop by, and we can find the one you need?” He stressed the words stop by.
“Yeah, that sounds like a plan. Sorry I woke you.”
“What time is it, anyway?”
I glanced at the red digits on the microwave. “A quarter after seven.”
“In the morning?” I could practically see him bolt upright in bed.
“Of course, in the morning. And we have gym class in forty-five minutes. Get out of bed!”
“Can’t do class today. I’m hanging up now. I’ll see you at Jenny’s around four.” True to his word, I heard the dial tone.
I paced the galley kitchen, wringing my hands. “This is getting me nowhere.”
I quickly dressed for the gym, feeling slightly guilty for not walking to campus with Gemma earlier and for waking Cuddy, who wasn’t much of a morning person. Although, Gemma was the only college student I knew who actually liked to get up first thing. With my hand on the doorknob, I looked over my shoulder to our apartment. The thought of losing everything we had made my stomach drop. “I don’t want to lose her,” I whispered to the empty apartment.
***
Once again, all the treadmills and StairMasters were taken. Groaning, I made my way to the stationary bikes.
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