by Temi Oh
Astrid looked down at Juno. ‘You were dead,’ she insisted. ‘Jesse saw you. I saw you. You weren’t breathing.’
‘So you think, what? I came back to life?’
Astrid looked away again.
‘That it was a miracle, like Lazarus,’ Juno said, sneering. ‘That I came back from the dead.’ Astrid still didn’t respond. ‘I suppose it was a kind of miracle. The miracle of modern science. Like penicillin or—’
‘Are you making fun of me?’
‘What else can I do?’ Juno sighed, and leant back in the bed, the old weakness coming over her. ‘I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes or a white light or the face of God.’ Astrid flinched. ‘I know I didn’t actually die, but it was strange. I do feel as if . . .’ She spread her gloved fingers out in front of her face and watched the lamplight seep through them. ‘As if something happened to my body. As if I went somewhere.’ She stopped herself. ‘It’s crazy, though. I know it’s crazy.’
‘It’s not.’ Finally, Astrid turned around to face her. Her cheeks were wet. ‘I saw you Juno; you were dead, actually dead. Your heart stopped beating. I could feel it, then I couldn’t. And your eyes, they were still open but they were . . .’ She looked as if she was about to cry again. ‘I’ve seen death before. I dragged Ara’s cold body right out of the water, so I know.’
Juno looked away from her and tried to swallow the bile she could taste in the back of her throat. She wanted to make her voice sound light when she spoke. ‘So that’s why you’re treating me like a leper?’
‘Juno . . .’ Astrid was going to cry.
‘I’d have thought you might be a little happier to see that I didn’t actually die.’
‘I am. But . . .’ she frowned. ‘What if I told you that I brought you back to life?’
‘I’d say no wonder everyone is worried about you. So what are you now? A magician?’
Astrid tried to laugh. ‘I made a bargain with God.’ She sighed and closed her eyes. Maybe she hadn’t slept for a long while, there were shadows under her eyes and dirty tear stains streaked her hollowed-out cheeks.
‘It was something Jesse said,’ she began, ‘about Abraham, and how he had to kill his son.’
‘Don’t tell me I know more Bible than you do. Abraham was told to kill his son and then God stopped him at the last moment.’
‘That part doesn’t matter. He was asked to give up the thing he loved the most. To make a sacrifice.’
‘That part matters the most. What does this have to do with anything?’
Her lips were quivering. ‘I’ve been thinking about the thing that I love most. My heart’s desire, the thing that drove me to cheat the tests at Dalton. I had to give it up in order to save you.’ A slow tide of dread rose up in Juno’s stomach. She wanted to reach out her hand to stop Astrid before she could say something terrible.
‘I have to give up Terra-Two . . . and I have to go back to Earth.’
‘I don’t understand,’ said Juno. ‘You wanted to go the most. Out of all of us.’
‘I know . . .’ Astrid swallowed. ‘But I was thinking about Tessa Dalton. I always felt sorry for her. That she was the prophet. The woman who discovered Terra-Two but never actually went there. But then Igor said that maybe that was never the point. Maybe she never had to.’
JESSE
26.02.13
TEMPERATURE: -24°C
O2: 57% SEA LEVEL
HOURS UNTIL RESCUE: 48
JESSE KNEW THAT IF it had not been for their profound luck – crossing into the path of the Shēngmìng – they would certainly have died before the Russians reached them. The captain of the Chinese ship had agreed to send a resupply vessel with the spare parts they would need to repair their service module, along with two flight engineers. Jesse had asked Poppy to ask Xiao Lin the reason for her generosity.
‘Out here,’ she had told them over the speaker, ‘we are all fellow travellers. Maybe one day, when we too reach Terra-Two, the crew of the Damocles will remember our kindness and embrace our children and grandchildren.’
Even in the final two days before the engineers on the resupply shuttle were due to rendezvous with the Damocles, it felt as if everything was falling apart. The cold was devastating and drilled at their bones relentlessly. Although the Beta huddled in the dim light of the crew module, wrapped in duvets, both Harry and Eliot now had fluid in their lungs, and struggled to breathe without assistance.
Something about the helplessness of their situation roused dormant leadership qualities in Jesse. He found that he was the one who could remain calm in the face of death, did not check his body obsessively for the signs of it: frostbite, pulmonary oedema, hypoxia. He exhorted everyone to try to move as much as possible to keep their blood flowing, he cracked the jokes. A couple of days after Poppy had told them about the Shēngmìng, it was he who had gathered them all in the kitchen for the meeting.
‘So,’ he said, standing up at the end of the table, ‘I’m sure you’ve all been counting down the hours until the Shēngmìng’s shuttle arrives, but in case you haven’t, we’re down to about forty-eight.’
Astrid clasped her mittened hands together. ‘Thank God!’
‘They’re going to mend the service module and bring us some new medical supplies,’ Jesse said. ‘Once the repairs are done, we’ll be back on course, to Terra-Two. In a couple of months we’ll reach Saturn, Igor and Eliot will launch the gravity-assist drive and then there’s no turning back.’ The table between them was satined with frost, and their breath clouded the air. ‘So, I’m offering everyone the chance to decide again. Do we, knowing all that we know now, all the risks, want to keep going? Does anyone want to return home, on our shuttle? With the help of the engineers, Astrid and Eliot can refit the life support system that they removed and anyone who wants to can return to Earth.’
Poppy’s eyes widened, and she looked around at the rest of the crew. ‘You’re saying that some of us can still go home?’
‘That’s right,’ Jesse said. ‘But whether to stay or go: it’s not a choice anyone can make for you.’ They all shifted uncomfortably.
Not one day had gone by for Jesse without the keen pain of longing for the comforts of home. For the habitable envelope of Earth’s atmosphere, for the safety of solid ground. He wondered who would say it first.
He looked around the table and his eyes met Harry’s. Harry, whose scars were still hidden by bandages, one arm in a sling, voice slurred and slowed by the painkillers he had not stopped taking. Jesse had never believed that he could feel sorry for Harry when, for years, all he had felt was envy for the boy who seemed to have everything. But he’d abandoned it all on Earth; his parents’ wealth and fame, the well-charted route his life could have taken. University, a graduate scheme, his father’s investment company, doe-eyed wife and straw-haired kids.
‘Well,’ Harry said through chattering teeth, ‘t-this is the end of this hellish ride. For me. I-I want out.’ Harry looked around the table for support, expecting a chorus of agreement. It didn’t come. His gaze fell on Poppy. ‘Don’t you?’ he asked.
Jesse would be sorry to see Poppy go. The crew needed someone like her. Someone who was gentle and empathetic, who resolved arguments and tried to understand everyone’s point of view.
‘You know,’ said Poppy, ‘I think if you’d asked me the same question a month ago, I would have said yes in a heartbeat.’
‘And now?’ Juno glanced at Poppy hopefully. It was almost as if the ordeal of the past few weeks had filled her with a new and clear resolve. Her storm-coloured eyes shone in a way they hadn’t before.
‘Now I have a family. Now, I have sisters.’ She took Juno’s hand and squeezed it. ‘Even if they can be stubborn. This place is my home.’
‘And mine, also,’ said Fae.
‘Did you hear about it?’ Poppy asked, glancing between Fae and the rest of the crew. ‘Fae’s fiancé—’
‘Moritz, meine Liebe.’ Fae smiled to herself, twisting her ring aro
und her finger.
‘We heard from the Russians that he’s been chosen for Die Ersten Vierzig,’ Poppy explained. ‘The German group going to Terra-Two. A few people dropped out. After what happened to us and the Orlando, not so many people want to sign up to die in space. So Moritz was chosen from the backup crew.’
‘We will be reunited on the other side. On Terra-Two,’ Fae said.
‘But you can be together on Earth too,’ Harry said.
‘Yes,’ Fae agreed. ‘But then what happens to you? When I was asked to come in Maggie Millburrow’s place, for a little while, I have to tell you, I hated all of you. But now . . .’ She shrugged.
‘I think that’s the closest Fae will ever get to saying she likes us,’ said Poppy.
‘Well, I do,’ Igor said. ‘You brave young people. But I was never going to leave. My mission is here.’
‘Mine too,’ said Cai.
Jesse didn’t want the others to feel pressured to follow in their footsteps. He turned to Eliot and said, ‘Well, if, like Harry, any of you would prefer not to continue, now is your chance.’
Jesse knew that they would need Eliot’s engineering genius on Terra-Two. But, back on Earth, he could recover from his breakdown. Found a start-up with skinny-jeaned whizz-kids in Silicon Valley.
‘But you need me,’ Eliot said. He looked down at his wrist and pinged an elastic band against his skin. ‘I made a promise to Ara that I wouldn’t go to space without her. I’ve basically spent the past few months racked with guilt about breaking it. But . . . I don’t want to end up the way she did. I don’t want to go where she is.’
‘We’d be glad,’ said Jesse, ‘if you stayed.’
‘They’d be ruined if you left,’ Juno said. ‘I mean . . . they need an engineer.’ She sat at the end of the table in her dressing gown, an oxygen tube hooked over her ears and under her nose. Jesse wanted her to stay more than anything. Wanted her practical way of thinking, her Damocles Document and her laws. He wanted to go to sleep with her every night, as he had only once, and wake up to the sound of her breathing.
Juno looked at her sister and said, ‘This is the worst choice I’ve ever had to make. Go home and be with Astrid, or stay and . . .’ She looked at Jesse, and he glanced away. Afraid that he might lose his composure and begin to beg.
‘Astrid and I always thought we were only half-suited to this mission. That she’s too naive and I’m too—’
‘Cold?’ Harry said.
‘Practical,’ Juno corrected.
‘Hopeful,’ Astrid said.
‘I wish I were hopeful,’ Juno said, her voice taut with longing. ‘I wish I woke up in the morning kicking the covers off my legs, just ecstatic about the sun rising. I’ve been fighting a lot of conflicting emotions.’ She paused and looked at her sister. ‘Devastated that you’re leaving and angry about the reason. But I’ve had a little while to think about it, and now I know that you gave up the thing that was most important to you to save my life. It’s because you love me.’
She turned to Jesse. ‘But then, I think about the world we’d be going back to. It’s bloodstained history. How could I give up my chance to start again? To be part of something new. Something we’ll try to make better. I’m excited to go,’ she said to him. ‘I still want to go,’
Then they all turned to Jesse, their future commander. He took a deep breath, and told them something that his father had liked to tell him and his sister. ‘There’s a story, a legend, that the Antarctic explorer Ernest Shackleton placed an advertisement in a newspaper, looking for men to accompany him on his expedition.’ He paused, looked round the table, at every one of his crewmates, his friends, his family. ‘The ad read: MEN WANTED for hazardous journey, small wages, and bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful, honour and recognition in case of success. Not everyone who read it would have applied for a position on the team, but the response was overwhelming. Perhaps because the triumph at the end would be all the sweeter because they’d know where they’d been. Perhaps because the men knew that nothing would be easy. Every day would hurt, but, when they came to the end of their mission, it would not be with regret but with rejoicing.’
JUNO
26.02.13
TEMPERATURE: -27°C
O2: 58% SEA LEVEL
HOURS UNTIL RESCUE: 24
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE resupply shuttle arrived, Juno dreamed of Terra-Two for the first and only time. She dreamed of seeing it through the window of the Atlas module, as close up as Europa and then closer still when they swooped into low orbit over an alien sea. She saw Jesse’s face, the light in his eyes as he took them down on the lander, as he steered them flawlessly through the most dangerous point – entering the atmosphere.
The crew tumbled from the ship, shocked and uncalloused as newborns. Wobbling under a different gravity, learning again to walk, to focus their eyes on new horizons and on the violet sky.
Juno dreamt of erecting a flag they had painted, together. Everyone’s hands on it – Poppy’s, Jesse’s, Eliot’s and Fae’s – as they pushed it down into the sand. Giving their first gift to the land – a name, their country.
By the time they arrived, they had lived the journey so long that it was all they knew. Once they reached their destination, each of them flailed for a new purpose. The first night, Juno slept under the stars with Jesse, whose body she had come to learn by heart. She looked out at the sky and wondered if this had been worth everything she had given up for it. Could it ever be?
Now was the year to discover if her dreams of Terra-Two had been only dreams, and even as she beheld the twilit beauty of the planet, she realized that they had. Juno and her family had feasted, for two decades, on dreams alone. Now it was the time for the hard work.
They would face the first Terran winter unprepared. Welcome other expeditions as they descended from the sky, planted their own flags into the soil and fought in foreign tongues. An alien fever would wipe out two-thirds of the population and two members of the Beta. It would take generations to tame the land and even then – never completely. Their great-grandchildren would fell the ancient forests near the shoreline, build silicate towers and spill poison into the sea. They would remember, forget and remember again the lessons of their ancestors. But there would also be more to celebrate; Fae’s wedding to Moritz, their long-held love preserved over time and distance. Eliot would play the guitar and Poppy would gather up wildflowers from the meadows and Moritz would place a crown of them on Fae’s silver head. Juno’s Damocles Document would become the foundation of a new constitution. They would sing songs and write plays, myths would flourish, vivid tales of the voyage, the void, the sacrifice and the loss of the old home their children and their children’s children would never ache for. But they would still celebrate Landing Day with dance and fireworks. Once a year, they would cast their gaze up to the decommissioned Damocles as it twinkled in its graveyard orbit, making slow arcs across the sky.
When Juno opened her eyes, though, the dream was already forgotten. Nothing remained but a vague hope, and it gave her the strength to finally say goodbye to her sister. She was the one who helped to pull Astrid’s helmet over her head, and she watched as the hatch, at last, slammed shut. She bit back her tears for the time it took for the shuttle to disappear from the porthole, and then when she finally turned around and broke down, Poppy, Jesse, Fae and Eliot all opened their arms to hold her.
ASTRID
12.05.2013
WHEN ASTRID STEPPED OUT of the shuttle the final time, it was just like the day that she left. Except that, this time, the sun was blinding. There was a sour smell of fuel on the air, and the scent of grass and sea was an assault on her senses.
They were not heroes, today. They were victims. The world believed that they had been barely more than children, brainwashed and abused, then hurled into the void to die. An inquiry was being held into the human rights abuses at space academies, experts questioning the ethics of filling studen
ts full of facts and then sending them off to found nations.
Harry was awarded a medal for bravery, for piloting the crew from the Orlando back to the Damocles.
Astrid and Harry slept off the weakness in quarantine, curled up together some nights clumsy and quiet as newborns, because they weren’t used to facing the nights alone. One evening, Astrid woke to find Harry sitting on his bed opposite, sobbing. When he noticed her, he looked out the window and said softly, ‘In my dreams, I’m still up there.’
ASTRID DISCOVERED THAT SHE’D been wrong about home. She thought her heart had abandoned it forever.
Her father had come to pick her up from the space centre, embraced her with tears in his eyes and helped her into the car. She had returned with nothing, no bags or belongings. As they drove through the city, Astrid felt as if she was seeing everything for the first time.
When they stepped outside in front of her house, she realized that her home was different from any place her feet could ever find. She had thought that the sight of her own street would be the greatest disappointment after circling the rings of Jupiter. She couldn’t have known that the skin under her soles had never forgotten the feel of the cobbled path, the dandelions springing up between the stones. Her father’s rough hand in hers. The dull sweetness of apples turning pink on their tree.
Astrid hadn’t expected that when she blinked their front garden would be peopled with old ghosts; herself and Juno at five, six and nine making daisy chains with clumsy fingers or pressing their faces to the eyepiece of their father’s telescope, jostling for another look at Terra-Two.
Their teachers liked to tell them in astronomy class that the light from the stars took years to reach their eyes on Earth. That the most distant stars could have burned out billions of years ago, but still their light brightened the night sky. Cosmic proof for the existence of ghosts. Ara had asked, ‘What do they see, when they look back at us?’
Astrid used to think that home was wherever her sister was, but as she lingered before the front door, she finally understood that, somewhere in space, they were still together. They were still skipping stones across a duck pond at nine, devouring mint ice creams in Hyde Park, lying on the common looking for constellations. In the same way, Ara was forever dancing in the courtyard at the space centre, catching raindrops in her fingertips and saying, ‘What would you do, Astrid, with this day, if you could do anything at all?’