by René, Dani
I want to tell her that I like her more than just friends. But I can’t. Even though we promised each other to always offer the truth, I know it will only make things weird between us. That’s what we said, our pact. We said that forever friends always tell the truth, no matter what.
Shrugging, I tell her instead, “It feels like I did. My dad dropped me off two blocks from school because he had a meeting.” I roll my eyes in frustration, and the moment I say it, I notice the sadness overtake her expression. My heart hurts when she looks at me like that, and I want to hug her, but I don’t.
“JD and Autumn sitting in a tree.”
“K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
The taunting starts, and it makes me nervous. If the kids keep doing that, then perhaps Autumn won’t want to be my friend anymore. That makes me sad. I glance at her, noticing her eyes shimmering with tears, and I know if I don’t do something or say something, she’ll start crying.
“Leave us alone, idiots!” My voice echoes in the big cafeteria, and the kids who were teasing us run off, laughing. “Ignore them,” I tell her with a grin before I place her candy bar on the table. “That’s yours.”
“A whole one? For me?”
“Yeah, my mom bought them for me, and I grabbed an extra one. I knew you would need one because it’s raining today.” My heart does strange beats in my chest when she looks at me like I just told her that I’ve bought her a puppy. I always listen to her. When she told me about her fear of being out in the rain but enjoying the sound of it, I was confused at first, but then I got it. I don’t know how, but I just smiled and nodded, knowing that I’d be able to calm her down and distract her if she was ever scared.
“Thanks,” she says, smiling as she rips the wrapper and takes a big bite of the crunchy, chocolatey goodness.
“Any time, Snickers,” I laugh, calling her the nickname that I gave her not long after we met. She's always loved her candy bars, and I enjoy seeing her smile when I'm the one to bring her one every day.
“You going to get lunch?” she asks me in-between bits of chewing and swallowing.
“Yeah, you want anything?” I ask, looking at her empty lunch box. She shakes her head, looking rather happy with her chocolate, so I leave her to finish up her homework and eat her candy bar.
She’s my best friend.
My friend forever.
Chapter Three
Autumn
Thirteen years old
I hear my momma come home from work. She enters my bedroom moments later as I am just finishing up my homework for math class. It’s been so long since we moved into this apartment, but I still can’t get used to the smaller space.
Our home was beautiful. Daddy bought it when he and momma got married. It was the heart of our family, and when Dad died, we couldn’t afford it anymore. The upkeep became too much, and we moved.
“Hey, sweet girl,” Momma greets as she reaches my desk.
“Hi, Momma.” I smile, standing to give her a hug and kiss. It’s our ritual. Every time she comes home, we always greet each other properly. No matter what’s happened or even if we’ve had a disagreement. Being a teenager is hard, and being friends with a boy you love is even more difficult.
“How was your day?” Momma asks, settling on the chair at my vanity. She looks so pretty today in a red polka-dot dress. Momma sings at the local jazz club, and she’s been teaching me to sing as well. My natural talent comes from her, and I have a love of music, which only seems to make my voice stronger. I can’t explain it, but I know if I wasn’t into it, I wouldn’t be as good as I am.
“Momma,” I say, nerves tumbling in my stomach. “I wanted to ask you something. I mean . . .” My cheeks burn with embarrassment. We haven’t really spoken about boys before, mainly because I have never been interested in any of the boys at school.
Except one.
“What’s wrong, Autumn?” she asks, worry creasing her beautiful face. My momma is a stunner; that’s what Dad used to call her. It always made me giggle because I saw how she would blush.
“I don’t know. I mean, I do know, but I’m scared. Nervous.” I look at my mother, a softness in her gaze that seems to shine when she looks at me. Affection and love are two things I’ve never wanted for because my mother has given me both. I’m lucky and thankful.
“Autumn,” my mother says. “You can tell me anything. Are you hurt? Is someone hurting you or teasing you?” The worry on her face makes me feel bad.
“No, Momma,” I insist. “It’s . . .” I sigh, trying to find the courage to tell her. It’s strange telling my mother something I really should have a best friend for. And not the best friend it’s actually about. “I like JD.” The words tumble from my lips in a whoosh. When I first met him at eight years old, I never thought he would become such a big part of my life, and now, I have my first crush.
I look at her. My mother doesn’t seem at all shocked or worried. There’s a smile on her face, which makes me frown. I expected her to tell me I’m too young or to tell me that I shouldn’t like my best friend.
But she doesn’t do or say either of those things. Instead, my momma nods and responds, “I know, sweet girl. There are times when you look at him just the way I would look at your dad when I was young.”
There were so many times over the past few months that I would think about how my parents were when they met. I wondered if my mom and dad ever exchanged lunches. I haven’t asked her, but I used to see them smile at each other over the dinner table, and there were times when Dad gave Mom the last few French fries from his plate or even allowed her to steal his ice cream when we would sit watching a movie.
It was in those times I thought about the day I would meet someone who would be my person. And I knew when I grew up, I wanted a prince like Daddy was for Momma. And I’ll also smile when he kisses me on the forehead and wraps his arms around me to keep me safe from anything bad. And JD does that. He’s done that for years. It’s only now, at the tender age of thirteen, I realize he’s my person.
“You’re still young, sweet girl. And love comes in many forms,” Momma tells me. “Over time, you’ll find your feelings will change. JD is part of your life, a good part, and if he feels the same, then when you’re old enough, you can date.”
“When will I be old enough?”
“When you’re sixteen. But also, you have to remember, being careful when you’re around a boy is important. Don’t allow him to do anything you don’t want him to do. And you’re not allowed to be intimate with a boy until you’re at least eighteen.”
“Intimate?” My eyes are wide. I have a feeling I know where this is going, and even though I’m embarrassed, I can’t deny that the thought of kissing JD is about as far as my mind has gone.
“When you’re ready, we’ll talk about sex,” Momma says, and I can’t help but cringe.
“Eww.” I scrunch my nose. Momma laughs at my reaction while shaking her head. “No, Momma,” I tell her. “I just like him. I mean, he’s a nice person, and he makes me happy.”
“Then that’s all you need. Now do your homework,” she tells me. “And then we’ll see if JD wants to come over for dinner.”
Momma winks and smiles at me before she leaves me to finish up my work. Glancing at the photo of her and Dad on my desk, I can’t help but smile. I know if Dad were here, he would’ve not been happy about a boy in my life. He used to tell me I’d be a heartbreaker and he’d have his gun ready if any boy tried to take me out.
My daddy is smiling at me from the photo with his arm slung over Momma. He has gray hair and a beard, and I recall Momma would always tell him that he had to shave his whiskers, and he reminded her that she loved him as he was. Of course, Momma agreed because Dad was cool and had the best beard in town.
James’s parents aren’t like mine. They have a lot more money, and JD told me they don’t like being around other families who aren’t rich.
I noticed when we have our plays at school, and all the folks are gathered toget
her, talking loudly, his parents steer clear of Momma and me as if we’re bad. But we’re not bad; we’re just normal.
We don’t live in a big house like theirs or drive shiny cars like them. Sometimes, I wonder why people have to be so mean. But JD is different. He likes me.
He’s a good person, and I know one day, when he’s all grown up, he’s going to make a great adult. Just like my dad.
“You know, Dad, you’re probably worried about me, but I promise, JD is good. He would never do anything to hurt me. And I may not understand love just yet, but I know one day, I’ll love him just like Momma loves you.”
I think about JD then. How he smiles at me longer than he does at anyone else, and sometimes, I wonder if I would ever be able to marry him if his folks are so mean.
Chapter Four
JD
Nineteen years old
Having a friend forever was my pact with Autumn. Over the past eight years, we’ve spent almost every day together. I learned about her family; her mother and her dad, who died when she was only eight. And I got to know the girl behind the shy smiles and gentle giggles.
But as I wait for her now, I know what I need to tell her is going to break her heart. And as much as I don’t want to do that, I have no choice.
The past couple of years, I’ve wanted to work for Cole Security and even contacted Jackson, the owner, and his partner, Mark, asking about possible job openings. My dad had mentioned them in passing to one of his colleagues, and I looked them up. But I know dad has plans for me.
Even though I want nothing more than to be here with Autumn, I can feel a change is coming, and it’s not going to be good. With my father’s wishes for me, and my own for myself, the clash is going to end in heartbreak. For me and my girl.
I remember the day I met her. For an eight-year-old, she was wiser than most of the grown-ups my dad hangs around with. And me being older than her by three years didn’t bother her.
I fought my feelings for her for so long I wondered if I’d ever get the chance to tell her how I felt. She’s my best friend, my world. I want to share everything I do with her.
I don’t have many real friends I can talk to about how I’m feeling. I can’t even tell my own father I’m in love with a girl I’ve known most of my life. Instead, I play the best friend, even while she tells me about the newest pop stars she’s crushing on. Thankfully, she’s never shown an interest in any boys at school.
I think if she did, I would lose my mind.
Ever since I could remember, my folks made sure I didn’t have friends who were from the "wrong side of the tracks" as they called it. Each day I’d be questioned, and yet, I never admitted to having her as my best friend.
Most times, when we were at school, the kids would tease us because it was unheard of for a girl and boy to just be friends. But I would look after her. I didn’t lie to her when I told her I wanted to make people happy when I was grown up. That would be my job one day, and it would be something I take seriously.
Autumn will make people fall in love one day just using her voice. She sings like an angel, and even now, at sixteen, she sings at the local restaurant in the evenings. Her mother allows me to watch sometimes, so when my dad is away doing his work projects and traveling, and my mom is out with her high society friends, I sneak out and go down to the Sideshow where Autumn sings for a couple of hours every evening.
If she didn’t sing, I know what she’d be—a candy bar taster. I smile at the thought. She loves her Snickers, and every day, I bring along one just for her. It started on the first day we met—she shared her sandwich with me, and the next day, I shared my candy bar with her. And I watched her expression change from sadness to something that looked like genuine happiness.
It was a reminder of just how she would shine beside me. And over the years, I started seeing her as more than just a friend. I wanted to be her first kiss, her first love, but I never wanted to put pressure on her, so I just kept my mouth shut.
Autumn was the same age as my baby sister. The one I lost so long ago, even though I feel extremely protective over her, she’s become something else to me, something more.
My sister isn’t here anymore though, and I’m sure that’s why there’s so much bitterness and anger at home.
I haven’t seen happiness in our house for a long time. It all broke down one night when my folks had a fight. Mom took the car after storming out of the living room, and Hayley followed. My little sister got in the back and didn’t put her seatbelt on.
It was the saddest time in our house. My mother drank a lot, and my father worked a lot. And me, I would sit alone and listen to music. That is until I met Autumn.
She makes me happy.
Just like I want to make her happy.
I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love. Whether it’s a family member or not, the heartbreak is poignant, and Autumn and I have been through it. If I can make her smile every day, then I know I can be the best friend in the world.
I don’t know where she is today. It’s her sixteenth birthday, and I’ve brought her something special, a surprise. She’s always telling me how much she loves presents. And I love making her face light up in the way I’ve come to recognize as true happiness.
It’s been eight years since my eleven-year-old self sat beside her for the first time, and it’s the best thing I ever did. At the time, I didn’t realize the girl with the strange-colored eyes—one sparkling gold, the other a shimmering brown—would have such a strange impact on my life. As if she were meant to find me, or I her, and we were meant to be forever friends.
“Hi!” Her voice carries over the quad, and I glance toward her, finding Autumn racing up to me. She’s late, but she’s smiling, so whatever’s got her so excited must be good.
She's dressed in a pair of tight blue jeans and a hippie, floral top that makes her look more grown-up than her sixteen years. Her Converse-covered feet stop inches from me, her wild chestnut curls bounce, and my body does strange things when I look at her—things I haven’t wanted to think because we’re friends.
And if we’re friends, we don’t have those feelings for each other.
Right?
“Hey, you.” I smile at her. “Happy Birthday.” I wrap my arms around her, feeling her mold to me. My eyes close, and I inhale her perfume for a long moment. Her hugs have always been good, but right now, today, they feel like more. Different. As if I don’t want to ever let her go.
When we finally break apart, I shove out my hand, offering her the small box wrapped in bright, colorful paper. A squeal falls from her lips as she bounces on her feet, excitedly. Her happiness makes my chest warm, and I can’t help but grin at her.
She rips the wrapping, tearing at it until she finds the smaller box inside. The lid snaps open as she flicks the clasp, and her eyes widen when she sees the small gold locket with a bird carved into the front. Autumn clicks the lock open, and inside is the photo of us on my sixteenth birthday when she and I went out for milkshakes. The smile on her face is bright, her eyes shining with happiness, and me, I’m the stupid boy falling in love with his best friend.
“This is amazing,” she whispers, and when she glances up, I notice the shimmer in her unusual-colored eyes. The hazel is almost luminous, and the gold shines, just like the smile on her face. A songbird if ever I saw one.
I shrug it off, attempting to look cool, but inside, my heart is banging a nervous rhythm against my ribs. Autumn reminds me of what happiness should be. When I’m around her, all I want is to have her laughing and grinning. She means everything to me, even though we can’t be together in the way I want—as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Every time I’m near her, I want to kiss her, to feel what her lips feel like. I want to taste her cherry lip gloss and see her cheeks turn red like the other girls' cheeks do when I talk to them.
She throws her arms around my neck, tugging me closer for another hug, and I revel in the citrus scent of her perfume. Oranges and lem
ons. She always smells like the hottest day and the brightest morning.
“Will you put it on?” she asks as she steps back and hands me the thin gold chain. Autumn lifts her hair, turning around, giving me access to her neck. As the gold drapes over her deep brown skin, I can’t stop my eyes from drinking in every inch of her slender neck.
Finally, she faces me, and I smile when she lifts the locket and places a kiss on the front. Her lips are still shimmering, causing my heart to thump at the thought of kissing her.
“It’s going to stay with me forever.” Her gaze locks on mine, and I swear to god I feel a spark of something between us. It’s as if lightning is striking us right where we’re standing, but it’s summer, the day is warm, and the sun is shining down on us.
“Keep it safe,” I tell her.
“Of course!” Her face brightens. I can’t stop myself from noticing how beautiful she is. How her soul shines in her eyes, and my heart hurts when I realize I need to tell her about my father’s plans. And the moment I do, I’m going to take that happiness away. “This is the best day ever.”
Her admission has me stalling, and I decide I’ll tell her soon.
For today, I’ll be the best friend she’s come to know, but when soon comes, I know I’m going to break her heart.
Chapter Five
Autumn
Eighteen years old
Eighteen.
Even though I’m more than old enough to date, the one boy I’ve wanted to go out with is my best friend. And you can’t date your best friend. Can you?