by D. J. Manly
“Did you love him?”
“I could have. I mean I didn’t feel what I feel for…” He stopped. Damn. What had he almost said there? “I mean, I didn’t have time to find out.”
Jordon squeezed his hand. “Chase, you can’t throw your life away because of Cassidy. Put it behind you. Go back to school, and get out of here.”
“You really do want to get rid of me,” Chase snapped, sitting up in the bed.
“Chase, it has nothing to do with…” Jordon began, sitting up too. “Listen to me. I want you to have a life. Look at my sister. Do you think she has a life? She’s afraid just like you. She’s been hurt, by Dad, by her late husband, by everyone. Dad didn’t love anyone, not even himself and he made his children suffer. Amanda should have someone in her life who can really love her, but as long as she keeps hiding, she’ll never find it.”
“Maybe it doesn’t exist,” Chase said, hovering near the door.
“It exists.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t know but…we have to go on believing it does.”
Chase nodded, and left the room.
* * * *
The next day was Saturday and Chase was surprised when Jordon bounded in the door and shook him. “Get up,” he said. “We’re going biking and on a picnic.”
“Picnic,” Chase woke up and rubbed his eyes. “Where in the hell are we going to picnic around here?”
“We’re not going around here,” Jordon said, looking gorgeous in a pair of white shorts and a sand colored t-shirt. “We’re going to the Ahmanson Ranch area, about ten miles out of Santa Monica.”
An hour later, they were on the road, Chase surprised at the invitation. Jordon had packed two trail bikes up on top of his four by four, and had brought a cooler filled with food and drinks.
He couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. They drove along a road through gently rolling hills dotted with huge, spectacular oak trees. After a big loop around, the trail headed northwest to a place called Las Virgenes Canyon where there was a small creek.
Eventually, Jordon stopped the vehicle and got the bikes down. They biked along in the serenity, pausing only to drink some water every once in awhile. By the time they turned around and headed back to the vehicle, the sun was beginning to dip low in the sky. They got out the lunch and sat by the creek, watching the beautiful sunset turn the sky the color of flames. It was beautiful, and the sandwiches tasted delicious.
A cool evening breeze had picked up now, and Chase watched as Jordon’s hair blew gently across his face. For a moment, he couldn’t decide what was more beautiful, the sunset or Jordon.
“Why did you invite me to go with you today?” Chase asked suddenly. They hadn’t said much all day. They had biked side by side making small talk, mainly about the scenery, and when they stopped to eat, it was just too beautiful to talk.
“Did you enjoy yourself?” Jordon asked him.
“Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever been out of the city.”
“It’s good to get away, to take a fresh look at things,” Jordon said.
“But you don’t even like me.”
“True, but all my other fuck buddies were busy,” Jordon said, then grinned at him.
Chase shook his head, then started to laugh.
“Chase, I never said I didn’t like you. I said it would be better for Amanda if you left.”
“She’d only get another.”
“Maybe.”
“I was going to leave before…”
“You still can.”
“What about you?”
“I’m going to give Amanda my share of the house,” he said.
“She’ll be happy. She thought you were hanging on to it out of sentiment.”
He laughed. “Nothing sentimental for me here, just pain and loneliness. I was trying to prompt her to do something else, but she is genuinely attached to that place. With her money, she could travel more, but I’ve realized that I can’t tell her how to live her life.”
Chase nodded. “You had good intentions.”
“Yeah,” he laughed, “and you know what they say about that. You know, it may sound funny but Amanda is all I have left, and in spite of all the shit in our past, most caused by our father, I want the best for her.”
“What about you, Jordon? What do you want?” Chase asked him.
“Right now at this moment,” he said, reaching over and touching Chase’s hair, “I want you.”
* * * *
It was a nice drive home, the streets of L.A. dark and quiet as they drove into the city. Chase could still taste Jordon’s kisses on his mouth. They had made love there by the creek, in the cocoon of nature as the sun went down in the sky. It seemed so bittersweet. To feel so high on love, to have everything he’d ever dreamt about in a man, and to know it wouldn’t last. It couldn’t, of course. He and Jordon Nash were as different as two men could be. They came from different universes, and either he had to accept these stolen moments and absorb the pleasure, or save himself and put a stop to it. The latter was impossible. The former spelled only heartbreak.
Chase knew he would be going to Jordon’s bed when they walked up the stairs. It was inevitable. Jordon was like a magnet pulling at his heart, and he couldn’t let go. At the top of the stairs, Jordon stopped and pulled Chase up against him. He kissed his mouth, running his hands down over his arms. “Come with me,” he said, his voice laced with passion. “Say you want me tonight, Chase.”
“I want you tonight,” Chase replied. I want you every night.
They fell together on the bed, Jordon kissing him again. Christ, the guy could kiss and it seemed that Chase couldn’t get enough of those kisses no matter how long they did it for. Jordon had a mouth made for kissing and as Chase had discovered earlier and was about to rediscover, it was made for fucking too. On his knees, Chase fed Jordon his cock, who took every inch of it. Chase began to fuck his face, his hands in his silky hair. They gazed into each other’s eyes, Jordon’s mouth stretched over Chase’s thick, fully erect cock. As Chase’s cock began to pump its liquid into Jordon’s mouth, he swallowed it. Chase could feel Jordon’s eyes on him as he came, shouting in sweet release.
Chase’s eyes ran over Jordon’s naked body as he pressed him back to the pillow; his hand roughly fondling his cock, massaging his balls. He felt aggressive suddenly, as if he was a panther and Jordon the prey. He wanted to devour him. Jordon began stroking his own cock as Chase leaned down over him, whispering. “Sit on my cock. I want to fuck you with you on top of me. I want to see it going inside you, I want to…”
Jordon placed a finger on Chase’s lips. He sat up, reached over into the drawer, and began to lube himself. Then he undid a condom and rolled it onto Chase’s cock. Chase never took his eyes off of him. “Do it,” Chase whispered to him, “do it, baby.”
Jordon straddled him, his eyes searching his. He positioned Chase’s cock and began to take it up inside of him. Chase whimpered softly, letting his tongue move over his lips. Jordon bore down. Chase felt himself inside Jordon, then Jordon began to move, to use Chase’s cock exactly the way he wanted to. “Chase,” he hissed, “damn you feel soooooo…yes, yes…” Chase reached out and played with Jordon’s erection, stroking it, squeezing it. Jordon bounced up and down on his cock, taking it all the way out, then laying siege to it again. They both cried out, Jordon’s cock exploding, spraying Chase’s face and hair. Chase reached up and grabbed Jordon’s arms and pulled him down on top of him. He kissed him passionately, deeply, bruising his mouth. How in the hell could he ever let him go?
It was Chase who heard the car. He poked Jordon, and said, “Oh my God, I think Amanda is home.”
He yawned. “Okay,” he said.
“So,” Chase said, “I…we…”
“It’s been nice,” Jordon said, looking into his eyes. “I guess this means you’ll have to go to…”
“Yes.”
“Think about what I said, okay?” Jordon said. “I’ll
be leaving here in a week. I’m going to tell Amanda she can have the house.”
Chase’s stomach knotted. “Where will you go?”
“Back home. I have a house in New York. I do most of my work from there so…” He got up and went to put on his robe. “I’ll go downstairs and see her, give you time to…”
“Right,” Chase said.
After Jordon left, he got out of bed and went back to his own room. In the shower, he gulped back hot tears. This was the moment. It was here, and it hurt deeper than he thought it would.
Chapter Seven
That night at dinner, Amanda chattered on about London. She was in an especially happy mood. Everything had turned out with her business interests there, and Jordon had already told her he was giving her his half of the house.
“I don’t see why you have to go back to that crappy city so soon,” Amanda said to Jordon.
“I have work,” he said.
She reached over and hugged him. “Things are different now. We’re closer and I’m afraid to lose you again.”
“You won’t lose me,” he said.
No, Chase thought, she wouldn’t lose him, but he would.
“You promise?” Amanda said.
“I do.”
Chase noticed that Jordon had been avoiding his eyes all evening. It seemed to be his way of saying … turn the page. It’s behind us.
Amanda refilled the wine glasses. “Chase, I have a surprise for you tonight.”
Chase blinked. “Really. What’s that?”
Amanda looked at Jordon. “Now, no comments from you.”
Jordon put up his hands defensively.
“A new boy, I called the Agency from London to see what they had. He’s pretty special. I thought you deserved something special after the famine.”
Jordon cleared his throat. “Well,” he said, pushing back his chair, “time’s getting on. I’m supposed to meet some friends so…”
“Jordon,” Chase put a hand on his sleeve. Jordon met his eyes. “Ah, have a good time.”
Jordon kissed his sister’s cheek, and left the room.
“He didn’t finish his supper.”
Chase’s eyes were on the open door. He had all he could do not to get up and follow him. He didn’t want any new special boy from the Agency. He wanted Jordon. “Amanda,” he said, “I can’t.”
“You can’t what, love?” Amanda asked.
“I’m in love with your brother.”
Amanda’s face went white. “ Wha … What?”
Chase stood up and ran out of the room. As he did, he heard the car skid away from the house. He opened the door and called after him. All he left was a cloud of dust.
Chase placed his forehead on the door and banged it a few times. Amanda was at his elbow. “Did you say you were in love with…Jordon?”
Chase turned around. “Amanda, you and I…we have to…we can’t be afraid anymore. You need a man in your life, a man who loves you, and I need a man in mine. Amanda, listen to me,” he took her by the shoulders. “I’ve never felt in my life what I feel for your brother. I can’t let it go. I can’t let him go. I can’t go on pretending. I don’t want to have sex with a string of strange men. I want Jordon. He satisfies me in a way that…” He let her go.
Amanda shook her head. “They all leave me, first Scott, then you. I can’t believe you fucked my brother when I was gone.”
“It just happened. Amanda,” Chase followed her down the hallway, “Amanda, I’ll pay you back every…”
“You don’t owe me anything, Chase,” she said, sinking down in her seat, “I owe you everything. Now, I’m going to be alone.”
“Your brother loves you, and I love you, and if he’ll be with me, then…well…” Chase took her into his arms and hugged her. “You’ll gain a…brother-in-law?” He suggested comically.
She laughed a bit. “Does he love you?” Amanda asked.
“I sure as hell hope so,” Chase breathed. “Any idea where he could have gone?”
She shook her head. “He’ll come back.” She stood up now, putting some space between them. “Good luck, I’ll be rooting for you,” she said.
“Amanda,” he called after her, but she had left the room.
* * * *
It was almost three in the morning when the door opened and Jordon walked in. He was none too sober. Chase raised his head up off the dining room table and walked briskly out into the hallway. “Jordon?” he said.
“Oh,” Jordon replied, “didn’t expect to see you down here. Thought you’d be upstairs with the…”
“Jordon,” Chase interrupted, trying to put his hands on his shoulders.
“Chase, no,” he said. “It was fun. It’s over now and it’s not my business who you…”
“Yes it is, because I love you,” Chase said, meeting his astonished eyes.
“You ah…what?”
“I love you, and I don’t give a shit…I mean I do give a shit if you don’t feel the same way. I’m risking humiliation here. I’d risk everything…everything…” Chase sunk down on his knees in front of him, “for you.”
“Chase,” Jordon said with a smirk, “get off your knees. What will the neighbors think?”
“Joking? You’re joking?” Chase said angrily, punching him in the flank.
“Ow,” Jordon said.
“I’m telling you I love you and…” Chase was close to bursting into tears.
Jordon leaned down and took his chin in his hands. “Look, tonight I left because the thought of you with someone else, no matter how special he is or…” He stopped. “Look, Chase, for Christ’s sakes get off your knees. Leaning over like this makes me feel sick.”
Chase scrambled off his knees.
“That’s better.”
“What were you saying?” Chase insisted.
“I was saying that…fuck…I’m crazy about you.”
Chase began to laugh and cry all at once. He pulled Jordon into his arms and hugged him to him. “I love you, Jordon, shit, it hardly seems possible…I…”
Jordon separated himself from Chase for a moment. “You have to promise me, no more of this stuff…” He waved his hands around in the air. “And you go back to school…’cause I’m not supporting your lazy ass,” he laughed.
“I’ll do anything for you, baby,” Chase kissed his mouth, then made a face. “Whew!”
“Yeah, yeah…I know. It was either that or come back here and kill the guy.”
Chase smiled.
“And listen to me. I don’t want you to do it for me. I want you to get your life together for yourself. You have to put Cassidy in the past and…”
“Okay,” Chase said. Suddenly he really felt like he could do that.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and throw up.” He hurried away and shut himself into the downstairs bathroom.
Chase watched him go helplessly. It wasn’t exactly the scene he had in mind for declaring their love. But shit, it would do for the moment.
* * * *
Ten months later
Chase sat there nervously as he heard each name being called. He turned around and looked behind him. Amanda waved to him with a smile. He wasn’t going to make it. Jordon had called earlier to say he had missed his flight due to a meeting that went overtime, but he was taking the next one out. It was okay, so he wouldn’t be here to see him walk up and get his diploma. He’d see him tonight. He’d have him all night. That brought a smile to his lips. God, he hadn’t seen Jordon for three weeks. Jordon flew back to L.A. every chance he had, but lately he had been working long hours and traveling to Europe to attend ceremonies for the initiation of the new race car he’d helped design. Chase had stayed behind to finally finish his degree.
Now, here he was, and Jordon…damn…where was he? This time was the last time they’d be parted because Chase was going to go back to New York with him. They had spoken briefly on the phone last night. Jordon sounded excited, talking about all the places he’d take
him in New York.
He heard his name. Someone patted him on the back. He stood up, stumbling forward toward the podium. He took one last look at Amanda, then from the corner of his eye he saw a man hurrying down the aisle. Jordon! He’d made it. Chase smiled and turned to mount the stairs. He took the diploma, and the handshake, then walked down the other side. Jordon met his eyes when he was facing the crowd. He gave him a slow wink.
That wink made his heart beat like a drum in his chest. Damn, he was gorgeous. When the ceremony was finally over, Chase made his way through the crowd to Jordon and Amanda. He wanted to hold Jordon with a fierceness that made him dizzy. He went instantly into his arms, and Jordon rubbed his cheek against his. “Congratulations, baby,” he whispered. “Now you can support me in my old age.”
“Ha, ha,” Chase said, reluctantly letting him go. He looked flushed, as if he’d been running. He was wearing a dark blue suit, and his tie was crooked, his hair disheveled.
Amanda was kissing him now, hugging him tight. Chase looked over her shoulder at Jordon and smiled. Jordon returned it.
“Okay, Chase, I’m taking you to the best restaurant in town to celebrate. Let’s go,” Amanda said.
It was a nice gesture and he really did appreciate it, but all through dinner all he could think of was fucking Jordon. Every movement Jordon made, every gesture, even the sound of his voice was making him hard. Jordon seemed to be aware of it himself because when Amanda got up to go to the bathroom, he leaned over to him and said, “I’ve missed you too.”
Chase laughed slightly. “You hide it better. I’m in pain.”
Jordon shook his head. “Hold on. It won’t be much longer.”
“So,” Amanda said, returning to the table, “what do you say we go out on the town?”
“Ah…Amanda,” Chase said abruptly, “I’m a little tired and…”
Amanda looked from Chase to her brother. “Um, I’m not stupid you know. I know you can’t wait to rip my brother’s clothes off.”
Chase grinned and looked at his plate.
“Okay, let’s have dessert and then you guys can go and have more dessert. I had the bed made up in…”
“No,” Jordon said. “Thanks, Amanda but I’ve reserved a room tonight…a special place.”