“I cannot imagine a quirky unicorn.” My answer was clipped, but Will didn’t seem to notice.
“Exactly. Unicorns are so vanilla.”
“What’s it like trying to dig yourself out of a hole this big, Will?”
“I’m struggling, but I’ve got less practice at it than you do.”
I pressed my lips tightly together. We pulled up against the wall and both of us put our backs to it, leaving us isolated enough that we could talk in low voices without being heard. Will sighed and shook his head. “Sorry, that was meant to be a joke. What I meant to say is, you look amazing.”
Oh.
I tried to smile, but my face fought back. Who knew heartache worked better than Botox?
A part of me wanted to bring up the other day, and apologize for saying I loved him and making things weird. Even though we’d seen each other a few times since then, neither of us had brought it up. And you don’t just forget to mention something like that. Also, I couldn’t help but feel like Will was overcompensating. He’d been acting a little too cheerful and upbeat lately, but it was like trying to hide a skunk spray with a spritz of perfume.
A pile of bricks sat in the pit of my stomach. My limbs felt weighed down, and my chest was filled with a weird, tight pressure that I could only relieve by exhaling. Again, and again. Which came out sounding like a series of passive-aggressive sighs.
Apparently, my emotions had a sassy attitude of their own. Note to self: never play poker.
The song changed over, and I recognized the first few bars. So did everyone else in the room, apparently, because a cheer went up and the crowd swarmed onto the dance floor like fire ants attacking an innocent gardener with a family.
Will shrugged one shoulder and nodded toward everyone. “Do you feel like diving in?”
I hated dancing so much—my style could best be described as “toddler bopping along to the Wiggles.” But if the other options were either standing here alone or skirting around pink elephants with Will, then … woo, party, yay.
The dance floor was hot and crowded, and people weren’t so much dancing as they were jumping around to the music. Luckily, jumping around to the music was actually within my rhythmic skill set, so I threw myself into it with a surprising level of enthusiasm for me.
All at once, Will and I ended up surrounded by Renee, Renee’s boyfriend, Lara, and Matt, along with a few other basketball guys. For probably the first time ever, I didn’t even feel self-conscious. It was actually fun. I was part of a group, and we were all singing loudly enough that my throat got scratchy after a few songs.
And Will was right beside me the whole time, his face bright while he threw his head back and his arms out. He was singing to nobody, but from the way he kept sending sidelong glances at me, it felt like an oddly energetic serenade. Then he caught my eye, gave me a mischievous grin, and turned to me to sing right at me, still jumping around to the music. And all at once it didn’t matter that he wasn’t out, or that he didn’t care enough, or that I’d been vulnerable and let myself get trampled. For just these few minutes, it didn’t matter at all.
So I sang back to him.
Suddenly, he stopped jumping and grabbed onto my arm, pulling me into him. For the wildest half second of my life I thought he was going to kiss me, but instead he said into my ear, “Look, look, look—over there. Darniamh!”
Straight through the middle of the dance floor, Darnell and Niamh were making out. Not just kissing, but French-kissing, hands in each other’s hair, going for it. They didn’t even seem to be aware they were surrounded by hundreds of their closest friends.
“Eurgh, yes!” I shrieked, grabbing Will back with one hand and pumping the other in a fist. “We called it.”
“Anyone with eyes could’ve called it,” Will said with a laugh that faded rapidly. I followed his line of sight to Matt, who was giving us a funny look. Like, a really funny look.
I let go of Will’s arm the same moment he shook me off.
“I’m gonna grab a drink,” he muttered, and stalked off into the sea of people without inviting me as a new song started.
Well, at least I wasn’t alone on the dance floor. But suddenly I didn’t feel like dancing anymore.
I forced myself to stay as long as I could stand it, so Matt didn’t get too suspicious, then I bounced my way over to one of the tables. Bounced, because if I didn’t put on fake cheer, I would’ve moped my way over like the love child of Eeyore and Squidward.
Once I was sitting down with my phone, I felt calmer. No one was paying any attention to me, anyway—they were all perfectly content having fun with each other. Why couldn’t Juliette be here? She was the most dependable person I’d met in this town, and she’d gone and bailed on me in my time of need. And all just so she could attend the biggest audition of her life. So selfish, Juliette, what do you think this is?
My unlikely hero came wearing a floaty pink dress and a scowl. Lara flopped into the chair next to me and crossed one leg over the other, shoving her nails in her mouth.
“Why, hello,” I said.
“She basically just turned her back on me,” Lara said, purportedly to me, but mostly I think she wanted the opportunity to vent out loud in general. “Just shut me out of her romantic little twosome.”
“She’s dancing with her boyfriend?”
“She’s dancing with her boyfriend.”
“The sheer nerve.”
Lara shot me an icy glare, and I turned back to watch the room.
The basketball guys stood in a group against one of the flower arrangements, posing with Matt in the center for a photo taken by Niamh. As she took the photo, Will held up a hand to keep her there and gave her his phone to take a second photo. The guys rearranged themselves into America’s Next Top Model–type poses, with Matt lifting a leg in front of Will’s chest—held in place by Will, naturally—and Darnell crouching next to them with his head tipped back dramatically.
If it had been another group, it would’ve been a funny, cute pose. But I got the feeling that, for these guys, the humor lay in the femininity, not in the drama. And the difference mattered, if you asked me.
Niamh went to hand Will’s phone back to him, but Matt grabbed it first. The guys made a show of gushing over the photos, as Matt flicked through the options. Then, all at once, they burst out laughing, and Will went to grab the phone. Matt held it out of his reach, with one of the other guys blocking Will’s lunge. Will shoved the guy roughly out of the way and snatched the phone out of Matt’s grip, stuffing it into his pocket with a storm-cloud face. Will said something, and the guys fell about cackling.
Jess, who’d been hovering nearby, went over to the boys at this point. Probably to ask what all the commotion was about. I would’ve liked to know myself, to be honest.
Jess seemed like a nice enough girl, but she was the ex of my kind-of-boyfriend, so I irrationally disliked her. She had shoulder-length, straight black hair, dimples, and a perfectly symmetrical face. Her bright red dress was longer in the back than in the front, and she paired it with enormous black pumps.
She looked great. Awesome. I hated it.
But I was about to hate it quite a bit more, because at that moment she grabbed Will’s hand and led him onto the dance floor. Probably to take his mind off whatever had just gone down. She was probably being really thoughtful and sweet. She was probably a thoughtful, sweet person if Will had dated her.
I freaking hated it.
I was in the middle of striking a deal with the Great, Ethereal Being to send her uncontrollable, unattractive food poisoning—I was willing to volunteer at an animal shelter, take my parents out to a nice dinner, and sacrifice my eternal soul if she just went home in the next thirty seconds—when Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” came on. Will glanced over his shoulder at the basketball guys, then grabbed Jess’s hand and slowly spun her around. When she finished he pulled her into him, his hands slipping down her waist to her hips. Jess seemed startled, but she laughed and
went along with it, swaying her hips in time to the song, with their pelvises way closer together than any two platonic friends would consider reasonable.
“What the hell?” I murmured.
“What?” Lara asked, lifting her head. “Oh shit. Am I psychic or what?”
I glowered.
“Get a sense of humor, Ollie, I’m joking. But … hmm. Wow.”
An out-of-breath Matt came over to our table and sat next to Lara, folding his leg so it pointed in her direction. “Hey, beautiful people,” he said. “How’s your night been?”
Jess had turned around so her backside was pressed against Will, and he leaned right into her, grabbing a handful of her skirt while they rocked, like he wanted to pull it right off her body. She twirled around to face him and put one hand in her hair, the other on his shoulder, and she brought her face close enough for him to kiss her, biting her lip and flirting the whole time. He didn’t kiss her, but he didn’t back away, either. And as far as I was concerned, he was about thirty seconds from kissing her.
My night was fucking swell, thanks for asking.
“I’m going outside,” I said to Lara, before staggering across the back of the room to the side door.
Holy shit. Had that really just happened? Will, my Will, had just practically hooked up with his ex-girlfriend in public, where he knew I could see him. And barely twenty minutes after he’d been dancing with me.
How could he?
And how could I let him do this kind of thing to me again? How many times was I going to put up with Will doing whatever the hell he wanted, whenever it suited him?
The air in the parking lot was icy. I gulped it down in huge gasps until my head cleared up. The lot was deserted. The dance wasn’t over for another two hours. It was too early for anyone to be leaving yet.
I wandered a few feet away from the door and sat heavily on the edge of the sidewalk. Screw tonight. And screw Will. I was going to make sure Lara had a way home, then I was leaving.
But after ten minutes I hadn’t made a move to do anything of the sort. I just sat, feeling empty and numb and tired.
I heard the door open, and my first thought was it was Will, coming to apologize.
But Will wasn’t wearing high heels. They clicked on the concrete, getting closer, until their owner sat down next to me in a rustle of pink chiffon.
I sighed. I was glad to see Lara, but I was disappointed she wasn’t Will. Because that meant Will was still inside with Jess, not caring that I’d disappeared.
Lara sighed right back at me. “I think I know why Will was acting like that.”
Because he was self-absorbed, self-interested, and devoid of empathy? “Why?”
“Matt just told me the guys found a picture of you on Will’s phone. Wearing his jacket.”
“Oh.”
“They gave him a hard time about it. Apparently Will was trying to say you guys took the photo to show how silly you’d look in a jacket that big, but they didn’t let him off the hook.”
“Right. So he wanted to prove himself?”
Lara smirked. “Apparently. Because he’s so super straight, right? ’Cause if you dry hump a girl that makes you straight. I, personally, turn straight every time I kiss a guy, too. That’s exactly how it works.”
Well, I didn’t miss the sarcasm that time. “Sometimes I think I don’t like him very much.”
Lara shrugged. “Hate away. I’ve hated Renee for over a year now, I think. Doesn’t mean I don’t love her.”
“Isn’t that a contradiction?”
“Nope. Apathy is incompatible with hate. Love works okay.”
We sat in silence for a few seconds, then Lara kicked at a few loose pebbles. “Be careful, though. Sure, you can forgive someone for hurting you by accident, right? But if they keep accidentally ripping your heart out over and over again, doesn’t mean they’re terrible people, but it probably means you’re better off getting to a distance where they can’t keep doing that. Accidentally or not.”
It didn’t seem like she was just talking about Will.
“We’re better than that, right?” I said.
“We damn well are.”
I was so angry that Will could so easily hurt me, without any hesitation.
But it made me even angrier to know that I’d let him.
I’d let him. He’d made it perfectly clear that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. So why had I stuck around? Why was I so willing to accept whatever scraps he handed out?
All this time, I’d been wondering when my needs would start to really matter to him.
Maybe I hadn’t spent enough time wondering when my needs would start to really matter to me.
A cheer rang out from inside the hall as a Post Malone song came on. We glanced back, but neither of us made any move to get up, even though it was freaking freezing out here, and even though we were sitting kind of near the Dumpsters, and something sounded like it was rummaging through them, and maybe it was a raccoon. We stayed outside.
“How come you asked me to come here with you? Really?” I asked to change the topic.
Lara examined her nails. “Like I said. Neither of us had anyone better to go with.”
I couldn’t help myself—I actually laughed out loud at that one. Was it possible that Lara’s jabs weren’t able to hurt me anymore? Or was it that I was starting to get the sense that her jabs weren’t meant to be taken personally? “Flattering. Thank you.”
Lara reached for her purse then, and I thought it was time to go back in. But instead she rummaged around in it, then paused with her hand still hidden inside. “Um. I got you something. For being my date.”
I was fairly sure Lara buying me a present was listed as an end of times sign in the Bible, between false prophets and stars falling from the sky. Which was terrible news for humanity, but it did brighten my night up a little. “You did? Oh … I didn’t get you anything.”
“We’re playing swapsies with oppressive gender roles tonight. That’s the theme of this stupid dance, right?” she asked. “Anyway. Here.”
She handed me a rose-gold chain, longer than the ones the girls wore. It didn’t have a rose on the end, though. It had a dagger.
I turned it around in my fingers and fought a lump that had turned up in my throat unannounced.
“Daggers represent the polar opposite of roses,” she said. “But they’re paired together a lot, like in tattoos and stuff. When they’re paired together, it’s supposed to represent the balance of two different parts making a whole. Because you kind of round out the group. And also, because you can’t get our exact necklaces anymore.”
I rounded out the group.
“Can I wear it?” I forced out.
“No, you’re supposed to keep it in your pocket. Of course you wear it.”
When it was fastened, the dagger rested on my chest an inch below my collarbone. I doubted you could see it with this shirt, but I felt like I must look completely different somehow. I felt different. Like I properly belonged somewhere I never thought I could.
Against that, Will dancing with Jess didn’t seem so catastrophic. Not anymore.
The dagger made me brave enough to ask a question that would never have left my lips before tonight. “Hey, Lara? On the first day of school, when I told you guys about Will … how come you didn’t tell me you knew him? You could’ve warned me.”
To my surprise, she burst out laughing. “Come on, Ollie. We knew nothing about you. For all we knew, if you realized Will went to our school you’d out him to the class. I wanted to give Will a heads-up before you figured out what was going on so he could do some damage control if he needed to.”
I tried to work through this new information. “Wait, so that’s what you and Juliette were doing at the party?”
“Trying to. But Matt wouldn’t let me get Will alone. He was all talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.”
“But why’d you wait until the party to tell him?”
“I couldn’t find him at sch
ool, and he didn’t reply to my texts. Then I asked Matt, and he told me about the whole grounding thing. Remember?”
Of course. Will hadn’t had his phone.
So the party hadn’t been about humiliating me. It was difficult to wrap my head around, and to be honest I didn’t completely buy it at first. “That seems awfully thoughtful of you,” I said, raising a pointed eyebrow.
“No one deserves to be outed against their will,” Lara said.
And this time, I believed her. Lara, who was secretly in love with Renee. Who laughed along with the group when they teased her about her party behavior like it was all one big joke. Who snapped when Will made a comment about my clothing.
Lara’d had no intention of letting me come into her school and out one of her friends.
And why shouldn’t she have thought that? I’d outed Will to the three girls, after all. On purpose or not. The consequence was still the same.
I cleared my throat and changed the subject, a little overwhelmed. “Well, hey. If things don’t work out with Renee, at least you can be pretty sure Matt’s an option.”
Lara barked another laugh. “Oh God,” she said. “Oh, I used to have the biggest damn crush on him.”
“Really?”
“Yes, oh my God, yes.” She grinned. “I’m bi as fuck, Ollie, in case you haven’t noticed. I swear, he’s only paying me attention now because I like Renee. That boy only wants what he can’t have.”
Ugh. Straight guys.
“Can I confess something?”
Hearing those words come out of Lara’s mouth felt odd. Like a vegetarian asking you to pass the meatballs, or a mermaid asking to borrow your shoes. Guilt + Lara = system error. And yet, here she was, looking at me with what was almost definitely a guilty expression.
“Shoot.”
She shifted in place and lowered her voice. “Well, the first time Renee and I kissed, it was on a dare. And I already liked her, so, you know, jackpot.”
“Right.”
“Right. Then it was suddenly a really easy way to kiss her. Let’s do it on a dare, let’s do it for this group of guys. I used to think it was funny. Actually, not even that. I thought I was twisting the whole ‘girls performing for guys’ thing. I was using them to get what I wanted.”
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