by Grace Palmer
This wasn’t going well. Eliza was hearing herself talk as though she was watching a movie. As though it was someone else doing a bad impersonation of her.
She shook her head and tried again. “A hairdresser. She bought the bottle for me this morning, and—”
“You bought this bottle this morning?” he asked. “The only time you left the house today was for daycare drop-off.”
“Hatch’s opens at eight! It’s normal.” She was getting defensive. But he needed to understand. Eliza hadn’t done anything wrong.
Oliver dropped his head and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly. When he spoke, it was on a sigh. “You bought alcohol on the morning daycare run and then passed out drinking while our girls are sleeping ten feet away?”
Something swirled in Eliza’s stomach, making her feel seasick. It was either shame or wine. Maybe both.
“It sounds bad when you say it like that, but you don’t understand—”
“Our girls are sleeping ten feet away,” he repeated, pointing at their doors for emphasis. “And you’re sitting in a puddle of water next to an outlet. What if the house had caught fire? What if Winter had crawled out of bed and found you like this?”
Eliza’s face burned hot. “I waited to make sure she was asleep.”
Oliver looked at Eliza like he’d never seen her before. Like he didn’t recognize her. “Whatever is going on with you, you need to fix it,” he said.
“That’s what the wine was for!”
The words slipped out before she could stop them, and immediately, Eliza wanted them back. She wanted to grab them out of the air and shove them back into her mouth. Because they were the exact wrong thing to say.
“The therapist prescribed me drugs, and what’s the difference, really?” she asked. “A little wine helps me relax. It helps me sleep. It makes me feel better. Isn’t that what you want? For me to feel better?”
Oliver shook his head. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about. You sound crazy.”
Crazy. The word resounded through her like a gong.
Was she crazy? That’s what Dr. Silver thought. And what Dr. Geiger thought. And what “it’s a small world” Andrea from the pharmacy and daycare thought.
“I’m not crazy,” she bit out.
“That isn’t what I—I didn’t mean that,” Oliver sighed. “But since when do you go to a therapist?”
“I don’t.”
“Well, maybe you should. You’ve been acting weird for weeks, and if this is how you deal with it, you clearly need help.”
White hot shame boiled under Eliza’s skin. “I do everything around here!” she yelled, standing up, ignoring the squelch of water in her shoes. “Of course I need help! But not the kind you mean. I don’t need to see a therapist.”
Oliver stared at her for a few seconds, the anger on his face melting into something else. Something Eliza couldn’t read.
Her head hurt. She felt sick. Off balance. She wanted to sit back down. She wanted another drink.
“Your brother went through this,” Oliver said softly. “Addiction can run in families. And if that’s what this is, you need to get help. From someone.” He shook his head. “Because unless you do, you can’t stay here. It’s not safe.”
She knew what he was saying, but she had to ask. “What does that mean?”
Oliver had come to Eliza a broken man that morning, begging her for answers. Now, his back was straight, chin high.
He wasn’t asking questions anymore.
“It means,” he breathed, “that I won’t let you risk the lives of our girls. Until you are ready to get help and make things better, you have to leave. Now.”
Before he even finished speaking, Eliza had spun around. Her head swam. She could feel her heartbeat in her throat, could feel the tightness creeping in around her chest.
He was right. She had to get out. Had to leave. Couldn’t stay here.
Oliver said something behind her, but she didn’t hear it. Eliza scooped her keys off of the coffee table—barely resisting grabbing the bottle of wine, too—and rushed through the front door.
It was raining again, the sound a steady thrum that drowned out the noise in her own head for a minute. The rain woke her up. Felt refreshing the way she remembered it used to.
She was like a raindrop. Falling and falling and falling for so long. Too long. Then, finally, crash-landing on the pavement. Splat.
What happened next? Where should she go from here? Where did the rain go?
Eliza watched rivulets of water wash down her bare arms and run the length of the driveway, flowing to the curb, moving down the slope towards the rain gutters. The gutters, she knew, would carry the water away. To the ocean.
Of course. On Nantucket, everything revolved around the ocean. It’s where raindrops like her ended up. And it wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go.
When she hopped into the front seat of her car and started the engine, Eliza didn’t hesitate, didn’t look back, didn’t second guess. She followed the example of the rain and drained towards the ocean.
26
Holly
Nantucket High School
Her straightened and hairsprayed hair stuck to her sweaty neck, the underside curling from the heat of dancing. So much dancing. Holly couldn’t remember the last time she’d let loose like that.
One dance with Andre had turned to two and five and ten. Their old classmates moved in and out of the picture. They formed dance circles, everyone taking a turn performing some ridiculously outdated dance move while everyone else cheered. They formed conga lines, gripping each other’s hips and shoulders tightly, kicking their legs up.
Andre stayed close, laughing and smiling and making Holly feel like the coolest girl in Nantucket High School. Even if it had come fifteen years too late. When they finally stumbled through a side door for fresh air, Holly was breathing hard.
“It’s raining,” Andre said, hugging the brick wall, trying to tuck his large frame into the narrow eighteen inches of dry concrete that was protected from the rain.
“I’m so sweaty I can barely tell.” Usually, Holly wouldn’t admit something like that, but she didn’t care anymore. She’d steered clear of the cash bar, but she still felt buzzy and light. Buoyant. “Tonight was so fun.”
She spun in a half-circle, stumbling into the rain a bit. It actually felt nice. And who cares if she ruined her makeup or her hair? Everyone was starting to leave, anyway. From where she stood on the far corner of the building, Holly could see people filtering across the lot from the front doors to their cars.
“It was,” Andre agreed. He was leaned back against the wall, his ankles crossed casually. Looking effortlessly cool. “I had an amazing time with you.”
With you. The words felt like a caress. Holly looked up at him. His mouth was tilted up in a half smile, his eyes locked on her.
“Yeah, it was fun to see everyone. I didn’t know what to expect, but everyone was so nice. And Lindsay and Caleb really hit it off, don’t you think? I wonder how that will—”
“I hardly noticed,” Andre said, interrupting her as he stepped away from the brick wall. “I was focused on someone else.”
A warning bell went off somewhere in the back of Holly’s mind, but Fun Holly was still in command. And Fun Holly didn’t take Andre’s playful flirting seriously.
“Well, it seems like they’re both planning at being at your house tonight, so I’m sure you’ll see them then.”
He tipped his head down, looking up at Holly under thick brows. All the while, he moved closer to her, closing the distance. “Will you be there?”
Holly didn’t have her fitness watch on like usual, but the last time she’d checked, it was getting late. Then again, Pete and the kids were out of town. And unlike when she’d actually been in high school, she no longer had a curfew.
“I don’t know,” she smiled. “You might be my boss soon. Maybe we shouldn’t party together.”
She was joki
ng, mostly. Andre wasn’t throwing a “party.” Just a casual hangout after the reunion. No big deal. Maybe Holly could go and only stay for a little—
Suddenly, Holly felt a hand at her waist. At some point, Andre had gotten very, very close. Too close.
He squeezed, his fingers gathering a handful of her dress, lifting the hem even higher up her thigh. When he spoke, his breath washed over her face. “I was hoping we’d do a lot more than party together.”
Then Andre was leaning in towards her, eyes closed, full lips puckered.
Holly stared at him as if it was happening in slow motion. And then, just before his lips could touch hers, Holly slammed the heel of her hand into his chest.
Andre grunted, but didn’t stumble back. He was too big for Holly’s hit to have had much effect. Still, he rubbed at the sore spot just above his heart. “What was that?”
“What was that?” Holly echoed, backing away from him, wrapping her arms around her body. What she wouldn’t give for one of the giant tablecloth dresses from Aqua Boutique now. She felt exposed.
Andre chuckled, but his eyes were dark. “It was going to be a kiss.”
“But I’m married!” Out of habit, Holly threw up her left hand. When she remembered her ring was missing, she tucked it away quickly.
Andre shrugged. “And I’m a Virgo. Some things are irrelevant.”
The sprinkle of rain had turned to a drizzle. Holly could practically feel the drops sizzling and evaporating on her skin. She felt hot all over. “My husband is incredibly relevant to me,” she said. “I told you this morning I was married. I made it clear that—”
“Clear? The only thing ‘clear’ was that you were into me,” Andre said. He looked angry, but his voice was still deep and alluring. Almost like he couldn’t help it. “We danced together all night. How was I supposed to take that?”
“You offered me a job! I didn’t want to be rude.” That excuse had stopped being true by dance number three or four, Holly had to admit. After that, she’d just been having fun. Letting loose. Trying to have a good time. To let people know she was more than a boring stay-at-home mom. To let herself know that she was more than that.
“And I was giving you the opportunity to sleep your way to the top,” Andre snapped.
The words struck Holly like a physical blow. Her stomach turned and she thought she’d be sick. “You thought I’d sleep with you?”
“I didn’t spend the entire night dancing with you to not get something out of it.”
Holly blinked at Andre, studying the exterior of him, trying to find any outward hint of the monster tucked just under his skin. How could the warm, funny, charming man she’d been with all night talk like this now? It didn’t make sense.
The reunion had been fun. A much better time than Holly ever imagined. And now? Now, it felt tainted. Every second had just been Andre trying to manipulate her. Trying to butter her up and get her into bed. He’d even offered her a job, and…
Holly wrapped her arms tighter around her stomach, desperate to keep all of the finger foods and cookies she’d snagged off the snack table from coming back up. “Did you really want to offer me a job?” she asked. It hardly mattered now. Holly would never accept it. She could never work for Andre after everything. Still, she had to know: had he actually seen any potential in her or had it all been a ruse?
“Yes, definitely,” Andre said, nodding his head. “I thought you’d make a great secretary. Plus, your husband works, your kids would be in school, so when I visited the island, you would have been… available.”
Holly groaned. “You’re disgusting. You’re absolutely disgusting. I can’t believe you would—I can’t even look at you.”
Andre laughed bitterly as Holly turned on her heel and marched around the front of the school building. “You looked at me plenty enough earlier. Don’t think I didn’t see you admiring me, Mrs. Goodwin.”
Tears burned at the back of Holly’s eyes. She needed to get out of here. Now.
She hadn’t done anything wrong, had she? Maybe she’d flirted too much, but she’d never had any intention of being unfaithful to Pete. She would never want to ruin what they had. Would never want to betray him that way.
She loved him. So much. And their kids.
Holly loved her quiet, stay-at-home-mom life, and she’d nearly ruined it for Andre Wellington.
A sob broke from her lips, but Holly swallowed it down. She could see her car. She just had to hold it together until she could walk past the front doors, across the lot, and make it to her car.
Lindsay and Diana could ride home with someone else. Holly would text them and explain. Right now, she needed out.
But just as she crossed the sidewalk in front of Nantucket High School’s entrance, the glass doors burst open and Lindsay, Diana, and a host of their old classmates came stumbling out.
“Holly!” Lindsay slurred, gripping the metal rail as she climbed down the stairs. “There you are! Are you ready for the afterparty? Where’s Andre?”
Even hearing his name—not to mention the insinuation that she should know where Andre was—made Holly feel dirty. She shook her head. “No idea.”
Lindsay shrugged, but Diana walked over, eyes narrowed. “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to cry.”
“I’m fine,” Holly said, even as a tear slipped down her cheek. She swiped it away quickly, but not quickly enough.
Diana grabbed her arm. “What is it?”
“Where’s Andre?” Lindsay asked again, her tone more violent this time.
Holly waved them away. “I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home. I can’t stay here.”
“No!” they protested in unison. Lindsay followed Holly further down the sidewalk, talking all the while. “What about the afterparty? We’re going there now. Come with us.”
“The afterparty at Andre’s house? I’d rather chug battery acid.” Holly grimaced. “Not a chance.”
“What happened?” Diana asked. “It looked like you two were having fun.”
“If that’s what fun is, then my fun days are over.”
“Wha… What does that mean?”
“It means that I’m not built for the kind of lives you two lead,” Holly snapped, the anger and shame and frustration bubbling over. “I’m a mom and a wife. I don’t have any cool hobbies that get me seen in galleries—”
“Whoa,” Diana said, holding out her hands, but Holly couldn’t stop.
She turned to Lindsay. “—or an amazing job that gets me written about in magazines. The one guy who thought I had any potential at all was just trying to hire me so I could be his Nantucket booty call.”
Lindsay and Diana stared at her, eyes wide, mouths open. Holly felt bad, but not bad enough to take any of it back. She needed to get these thoughts out. She felt like an overfilled balloon. If she didn’t release some air, she’d explode.
“I’m just going to go home,” she said, backing away from her friends. “You two have fun. My vacation from reality is over.”
Before she could turn around, Lindsay stepped forward. “I haven’t finished a design in six months.”
Holly froze. “What?”
Lindsay let her shoulders sag forward. “I’ve hit a wall. Every project I’ve finished in the last six months was actually done by an employee. I’m… creatively blocked up.”
“Oh,” Holly said, unsure what else to say. “I’m sorry?”
“I had to pay the galleries to show my ceramics,” Diana blurted, her cheeks going pink. “Troy bought me a potter’s wheel after I caught him cheating the last time. I’ve been making terrible pots on it for months, but no one wants to buy them. So I’ve been paying galleries to show them and then wasting Troy’s money buying them back anonymously.”
Lindsay let out a long, low whistle. “Dang.”
Holly was still reeling, struggling to process everything. “But you both said—”
“We lied.” Lindsay threw her arms wide in a shrug. “Clearl
y.”
“We lied big time,” Diana said, lowering her head. “Coming here was my vacation from reality. At least here, I can pretend my life isn’t a hot mess.”
“And I could pretend I’m not one more failed project away from being ousted from my own company.” Lindsay twisted her lips into a tight knot, eyes cast off to the side where a group of guys were gathered around Caleb Mendoza’s sports car.
Diana stepped forward and grabbed Holly’s hands. “If this is your vacation from reality, then try to enjoy it. Don’t let Andre ruin it for you.”
“Yeah,” Lindsay echoed. “Come to the party with us, drink, and pretend your life is amazing. That’s what I’m going to do.”
Holly looked at her friends. Really looked at them for the first time. And when she did, it made her sad. Who were they? What had they all become? The answers didn’t look to be pretty.
She shook her head. “No, I think I’m okay. You two go on without me.”
Before either of them could say anything else, Holly turned and walked towards her car. She didn’t need to pretend her life was amazing. What she needed to do, rather, was start appreciating how amazing her life already was.
Holly was just going to go home. Home. To her cozy house where she lived with her faithful husband and her beautiful kids.
She was pulling out of the parking lot when her phone vibrated. She nearly ignored it, assuming it was Lindsay or Diana calling to try and convince her to come back, but when she looked at the screen, it was Eliza.
“Hello?”
There was a long pause. Long enough Holly almost hung up, thinking it was a butt dial.
Then, finally, she heard a raspy voice. “Holly, can you come here?”
Holly slammed on the brakes, her car jerking to a stop. “Eliza? What’s wrong? Where are you?” She’d never heard her older sister sound like that. Raw and dejected. The hairs on her arms stood up.
“At the beach,” she said. “I’m walking on the beach. Following the rain.”
Was she drunk? She sounded out of it.
Holly reversed out of the space, heading towards the main road. “Eliza, tell me where you are. I’m coming to you right now. Where are you?”