His shoulders rise and fall but his eyes stay glued to the screen. After a moment he turns to me with contempt in his eyes.
“Get your heart out of your head. She doesn’t need saving. She doesn’t need you.”
“You love her like a daughter…” I say through clenched teeth. “All these years…you’ve had a really funny way of showing it.”
On screen, Sage finishes in the middle of the rink. Her short frame back where her performance started, in the middle of the ice with her head low and a small smile. She’s done it; she has won. And as the flowers and stuffed bears hit the rink, the world knows it as well. But that was two years ago.
“She is not same skater from even year ago.” I tell him pointedly pausing the video. “You see this. You know I am right. She is not the same person. She’s dying. And we are the ones killing her.”
“You’ll only see her at practice.” He tells me firmly. “If I find out that you try anything with her, I’ll get the police involved. I don’t believe that you’re clean. Her aunt may want to win at all costs, but not me.”
As he stomps out of the office I call after him. “You all don’t deserve her. You never have and never will.”
Dean pulls the door open and slams it shut. The sound echoes throughout the room. It was my fault to trust that they had her best interest at heart. I should have stuck around. I should have been there. But the past can’t be rewritten. The present is here and now, and our future is on the horizon. We’ll take it back together.
Chapter 6
Sage
I’m going through the motions. The same story, just on a different page of my life. My alarm goes off every morning at three am. I went to bed at eleven and have been awake since one in the morning. Except for pain in my left ankle, today starts the same way it does every day. First, I shower and eat a light breakfast. A boiled egg and half a granola bar. I’m not too hungry. I log my breakfast, output and my sleep and wake cycle. Then I head to the gym for my ballet class. That’s where I privately practice my off-ice jumping and training with Madame Mercier.
Dean is here. I can tell that he’s worried about me. He has these permanent worry lines across his forehead whenever he thinks that I can’t see him. I wish I could make them go away and tell him that everything is alright, but it’s not true. I am in a hole. I don’t know how I got here. I only know that I can’t get out. It’s been this way for a long time. And if I can’t admit it, then why bother? I’ll just put on a happy face instead. Kiss his cheek like usual and tell him that I love him.
By five-thirty, I’m at the rink and on the ice with Darcy and Rosalie. For an hour, I practice my freestyle skate. All the while, I try not to think of yesterday’s events. I dread the ritualistic call from my aunt. She makes me recount my day and plans for the evening. She doesn’t mention Yuri and I’m glad. Maybe yesterday was a nightmare.
When I finish with my aunt, I shower, eat a snack and head to class. My first class is French translation. It begins at nine on the nose. My last class is Biology and it ends at three in the afternoon. I’m in yoga class by four and then I return to the rink at six for my practice with, Yuri.
I’m early. No one will be here for another half hour. The extra time gives me a moment for myself. A chance to relax on my skates. My days are long and exhausting. They overflow with tests, training, conditioning and studying. I’m trapped in an endless cycle of which I have no control. I look forward to this small break to just be me. A small piece of freedom.
“Hey Siri.” I shout to my phone. It is connected to the sound system. All I need is a good song and I can fly away for a few minutes.
“Play My Rink playlist.”
I’ve chosen each song on this playlist for specific reasons. Most just put my mind at ease. A few invoke certain emotions that I can only release on the ice. So as soon as the instrumental portion to Rhianna’s Stay cues up, I’m ready. One breath in. One breath out. I’m deep within my frozen sanctuary. That is what the rink is like for me. So, I push off and dive all the way in. No doubts. No more pain, no more anxiety, no more dark thoughts. Just me, my skates and an inch and a half of ice.
Yuri
Ever since we met, I’ve watched Sage skate. In the early years, I supported her. I was there when she fell during the Junior championships. I cheered when she got back up and finished with a flawless performance. I applauded when she won her first Gold at the Olympics. Held her hand and cried with her when her mother died. I spent ten years watching her blossom. Then when things got harder, I failed her.
Seeing her is still magical but my heart thumps in my chest for a different reason. Along the ice rink, I study her movements. She jumps into a flying camel that leads into a smooth donut spin. And as if that wasn’t beautiful enough, she finishes her turn sequence with a Biellmann spin. She has toned legs and arms to match. Sage is the picture of perfection. She isn’t a little girl anymore. There are no straight lines to her body. She’s all curves. Soft and hard curves that pour smoothly into her dress. I notice them all as she dances around the rink.
The song spilling out of the speakers is not something I’ve heard before. So, I won’t pretend to understand the choice. But I can see what it’s doing to her. How it puts emotion into her movements. Therefore, I follow the lyrics, knowing it will give me more insight to the woman she has become.
…the reason I hold on
…’cause I need this hole gone
Funny you’re the broken one
But I’m the only one that needed saving…
Saving. That’s what she needs. I have to rescue her from herself. She is nearing her breaking point. And I don’t think anyone sees it. No, they’re blinded by winning. Everyone wants to win but at what cost to Sage? After the recognition, the money and the gold medal, what happens to her? Who will she be when the dust has settled? I’m afraid of the answer.
I often wonder if she heard the whispers mixed in with the applause that day that she took the ice. If she knew what some people thought of a black figure skater as talented as she. Sage is the best. I don’t doubt that she can bring home gold again. But the ice world…some of them can’t see past the color of her skin.
They judge her on appearance alone. So, she must be better than everyone. Better than every expectation. Because they don’t see what I do. A beautiful, talented young woman with greatness on the horizon and gold in her veins. A little girl who I’ve wanted to protect since the moment I saw her. And a tiny blackbird that skated away with my heart as time went on.
Sage
Although it hasn’t been the case lately, I feel rejuvenated as I finish in the middle of the rink. I blame the lack of sleep. In the months leading up to the Grand Prix of Figure Skating, I can count on one hand how many nights I’ve slept well. Two and even then, it took half a bottle of Melatonin and a bubble bath to knock me out.
But I feel better in this moment. The voices still whisper in the corner of my mind. But they’re quieter, less accusing. My heart races a little when I realize my sleeves rolled up slightly on the jump. I tug at them, taking a deep breath. I’d usually freak at the thought of my arms being seen but not now. I’m just happy. Nothing can get me down.
“You delayed going into the Triple Lutz. It would cost you points. Points that you cannot afford to lose.”
Nothing. Except the sound of Yuri’s heavy accent, criticizing me. I roll my shoulders back while he skates toward me. Yesterday we practiced for three hours. I did everything in my power to not notice him. It’s harder to do today. It’s just the two off us and the ice. Without much effort, Yuri towers over my shorter frame. Like me, he doesn’t look like he belongs on the ice. He’s over six feet with devilish good looks and bone structure made to cut the ice we’re standing on. His untamed short black hair gives him a roguish look. That’s why his groupies can never seem to get enough. He looks like a bad boy on skates. But his eyes are the worst part.
They’re the icy blue love child of the bluest waters in
the Caribbean met by winter’s hail storm. They have the power to make women swoon or run for the hills in tears. I’ve witnessed a few girls do both beneath his frigid stare. He is a living legend in the figure skating world. Just ask anyone hovering near the rink at any given time. He’s an Ice God and I should be nothing less than grateful for his time. But I’m not one of his little groupies. Yuri knows me. I have my weaknesses, but skating isn’t one of them. So, Ice God or not, I’m not afraid of Yuri Meshkov.
“When you landed your –,”
“That routine was for me. Not for you.” I tell him quickly, rubbing my hands down my skirt. “I hate to break it to you, but you don’t get to have an opinion.” I move away from him. “Though I guess, it’s good to know that you don’t think I can do anything right.”
He frowns turning to the side. “I never said that, Sage.”
“Just implied it.”
“I didn’t do that either.”
Yuri sweeps me up in his gaze and I look away, so I don’t become a captive to its power. He reaches for my arm, but I won’t let him touch me.
“How have you been?”
“Like you care.”
“Sage, I care. You know that I—"
“Why are you here?” I spit out.
Yuri sighs. “For you.”
“Dean’s thinks you’re only here to win back your glorious crown. All hail King Yuri, King of the ice.” I mock.
He circles me and smiles. “And what do you think? Or does that still not matter to anyone?”
I roll my eyes and laugh at his smug attitude. “You’re full of it.”
“That’s more of Dean isn’t it? What a coincidence. I would say the same about him.”
“Pfft.” I turn aside and skate away. “Of course, you would.”
Yuri calls out condescendingly. “How’s that been working out for you lately? The whole Dean knows best.”
He knows damn well how my last competitive season went. I want to slap the smug grin off his ridiculously handsome face. He’s got some nerve and a gigantic chip on his shoulder. Maybe instead of smacking the grin off I could knock his head clean off his shoulders instead. I wasn’t looking for this today. Nor do I have the strength for it. Yuri can argue with himself, I’m not here for this.
“Goodnight, Yuri.”
I head down the ice. My mind is feeling funny again. I’ve been keeping it at bay, but the urge is creeping up my spine. I squeeze my hands into fists as if that’s enough to stop the yearning to cut.
“Sage, wait!”
No. I need to get out of here. Yuri had me once. I was a young, naïve little girl. I fell fast and hard because he was my hero. Maybe I’m the one to blame. I put him on a pedestal that he didn’t deserve. But isn’t that where heroes belong?
My name echoes across the ice again. “Sage!”
No! I’m not stopping. Doesn’t he know that I’m already gone?
Yuri
I’m losing her again. I used to always say the right things. But now I don’t have the right words anymore. It might take a lot of work but I’m going to make her see that I’m here for her and her alone.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I shout down the ice as I skate after her.
She surprises me by turning on her skates and meeting me halfway. “You are! You are getting the hell out of my life because I don’t want you here, Yuri!”
I glance down at her arms covered in long sleeves once again. Maybe she’s doing it because the arena is cold. Maybe the reason is darker. I need to know. It’s just getting the words out of my fucking head. That’s the problem. That’s always been the problem.
“You need help.”
“I don’t need help or you for that matter.”
I motion to her covered arms. “Just tell me…are you…have you…”
My struggle is met by her cynical chuckle. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me. You want to do this now? Almost a year later and you want to do this now?”
“I have to know that you’re okay.”
“Fine. I’m okay. I wake up. I go to class and I skate. I’m okay. Happy now?”
“Sage, I’m trying fix what happened between us…I’m trying to apologize.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. You were right. I was being selfish. Needed the attention and then I got it.”
“Hey!” I try to take her hand and she shoves me away.
“Go away!”
Is this what I deserve? After everything? I honestly think so.
Sage
He looks like I’ve just shot him in the chest. I back away from him frantically. My heart feels like it’s going to explode. I have to get out of here before he knows. Before he can tell that all of this is a lie.
“I can’t do this with you,” I tell him. “If you want to skate in Pairs so badly, you’ll have to find someone else.”
I move around him. He’s fast and catches my wrist. His eyes peer deep into mine. Good lord. What does he see there? What does he know?
“I won’t skate with anyone else, Sage. And neither will you. I don’t want just a gold medal. You know what I want.”
“You want to fix your reputation. You don’t want to be the druggie.”
It’s a diversion My verbal slight of hand. I know that’s not what he wants. I’m only trying to throw him off my trail. Keep him and everyone else from figuring it out. I don’t mean to hurt him.
I pull myself free from his grasp. “I’m good, Yuri. Why don’t you go entertain your little fan club.”
“Stop.” He chases after me. “I’m here to help you.”
“Help me?” I laugh sarcastically. “You say that a lot, but I don’t think you know what that phrase means.”
“I know what it means. And I can help you.”
“No one can help me.” I mutter, right as I step to the edge of the rink.
By now, Yuri has caught up to me. His large hand wraps around my bicep. Before the blade of my skate can step out the rink, he’s pulling me back and turning me to face him. I watch his eyes fall over my face. His hand slides to circle mine. His gaze trickles over my lips. He looks like he nearly always does when we’re this close. Like there is this inner battle, warring in his mind. It feels like, in any moment, he’ll let it out. But I know better. A man of many emotions, Yuri Meshkov is not. I’m wasting my time and I’m wasting my breath.
“Let me go, Yuri.”
“Only if you take me with you.”
“No.” I reply softly. “It’s much too dark.”
He leans his head to mine. “Not for me. I’ll go there too.”
I’m grateful that he doesn’t force my gaze to his again. I don’t want him to see the tears escaping down my chin. So, I remain in place as Yuri runs one hand down the length of my arm. He doesn’t know it but he’s touching my shame. His fingers are grazing over my pain as he reaches for my hand.
“My beautiful little bird,” he murmurs.
I beg him, “Don’t call me that.”
“You are.”
“I’m not.”
The grip that he suddenly has on my wrist keeps me from floating away. I feel what those words do to the pace of my heart. I fight down the urge to reach for the small gold link chain around my neck. It doesn’t matter. He knows it’s there and he proves that by walking his large fingers over my collar bone and freeing the pendant from the warmth of my breast.
“You pushed me away. A year, Yuri?” I whisper in disbelief. Since we met, we’d hardly gone a day without speaking. “You forgot about me.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t there when you needed me the most. But I have never forgotten about you. I never will.”
He drops my necklace on the outside of my leotard and takes my palm in his. Before I can stop him, we’re moving backwards along the ice. Perfectly in unison, like two well practiced ice dancers. My iPhone shuffles to a new song. I can barely hear it above the pounding of my heart. Then Yuri’s warm breath touches my ear and the entire world stops on its a
xis.
“Forgetting you, is like breathing water…” His lips move down my lobe and I crane my head to the side, to feel them as they brush down my neck. “I start to drown, if I even try.”
At his admission, I melt my weight into his chest. The electricity flows between us. It’s always there, a constant source of energy. From the moment I saw him again, I’ve been pretending like I haven’t noticed it. But who can ignore the way the moon orbits the earth or the effect it has on the night sky? Certainly not the tidal waves of the ocean as they crash down over me, whenever Yuri and I are together.
“Sage,” he whispers. “I came back here for you.”
“Yeah…well you’re too late. It doesn’t work like that Yuri. You don’t get to come back into my life and think things will magically be like they were.”
Even as he clutches me to him, I search for a way out. Before I’m caught by the undertow and I’m the one drowning again. It was better when he was mean to me. When we pretended like we didn’t want a thing to do with each other.
“This isn’t going to work. I-I have to go.” I try to free myself before the worst thing happens but I’m too late.
We have the entire arena to ourselves as my iPhone shuffles to another song on my rink playlist. I’m in trouble the second the guitar strings vibrate around us. John Cale’s cover of Hallelujah is the first song I ever danced to with a boy. Back then, I was so unsure of myself. But he grounded me by the way he held me in his arms. And the world stopped when he pressed his hand to my cheek. Those blue eyes wreaked havoc on a young girl’s heart. And they’re just as powerful now as they were back then.
This is our song. I skip over it when I’m alone. The emotions that arise with each pluck of the guitar string and throb of the piano key are often too much. And the memories are always so painful. But I feel Yuri’s grip tighten around me and I know that I won’t get the chance to run from them with a shuffle to the next song.
“Skate with me.” He requests softly, as if I have a choice. My body is already molding to his.
Chapter 7
Black Ice Page 5