“Every day, the inner me is fighting against the outer me. It’s like a battle with myself, for myself.” My lips quiver. “And all I want is control.”
“Control?”
I pull open my bedside table and snatch up the journals there. Then I drop them between us. They hit his lap one by one.
“What I eat, the vitamins that I take, what goes in, what goes out.” I frenzy, pushing the journals into his hands. “It’s all there. My weight, my injuries, my fucking period. Everything. She makes me keep it all logged.”
Yuri flips through the journals. I can’t bare to watch. My entire life has been reduced to dosages, weights and dates in a book.
“Birth control, pills.” I toss the package at him.
“You were a virgin.”
“She knows that and still makes me take them because there is no such thing as a pregnant figure skater.” I mock disgustedly.
“This is insane.”
I’m not done. Far from it. He wants in. I’ll let him in. I’ll show him my fucked up life. He wants to love me, then he better be prepared. Because the packaging that this girl comes in may look beautiful on the outside, but I guarantee that what’s inside doesn’t shimmer.
“This too.” I shove the DVD’s she sent back to me. “Recordings of my practices complete with her commentary. My--my class schedule she knows by heart. Even my fucking phone, Yuri. I have because of her. Nothing is mine. Including skating. She has managed to take the one thing that makes me happy and ruin it. And I can’t do it anymore.”
“What do you mean? Sage skating is your life.”
“No!” I disagree. “Skating was my life and like everything that woman touches, she tainted it. She took the ice, which I’ve loved since I was a little girl and she put blemishes all over it. She turned the ice black. Now I hate it.”
“You can’t let her control you like this.”
“Let her?” I question with disgust. “You think I want to be treated like a god damn human guinea pig?”
“No. Of course not. I didn’t mean that.”
“You know my aunt, Yuri. She’s manipulative. But she’s my family. Her, Aspen and Ramone. They’re the only family I have. And If I don’t do this, she will take everything from me. My scholarships are all tied up to my skating. And she pays for that.”
I bawl my hands into tight fists and glance out the window. “The scholarship money pays for my classes. If I’m lucky it covers a few books. It doesn’t pay my rent. Or put gas in my car. I could take out loans, but I can’t work. Dean has me in training when I’m not sleeping or in class.”
“Does he know about this?” Yuri holds up the journals. “Does he know how she’s using you?”
“No. I could never tell him any of this.”
“How can you be sure?”
I turn toward Yuri. “How do you know that he doesn’t know about the way she treats you?”
His eyes are dark and serious. I stare into them bewildered by the question.
“Because, he’d want to give me money or ask me to move back in again and I’ve been enough of a burden to him. Yuri he’s done a lot for me.”
“I don’t doubt that, Sage.” He reaches over and brushes his fingers down my arms. “But his motives…I question them.”
I shake my head. “Don’t blame him. He’s not the reason I’m a mess. It’s me Yuri. I have issues.”
“And the people around you aren’t making them better. They’re hurting you.”
Agitated, I move away. “You aren’t listening to me. I hurt myself.”
“The only thing you did wrong, is let them make you believe that you need them. That you can’t survive without them.”
“No, that’s not true.”
“They tell you that you aren’t sick, and you believe them.”
“Stop it.”
“You believe them because you love them. But you love them more than they love you, little bird. I can see it.”
“I’m the poison. Me alone.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
My head is throbbing. I’m so confused. He wants me to believe that he’s better for me than them, but he has hurt me too. He saw those scars and ran.
“I can’t love someone who would deliberately hurt themselves.” I mock. “Isn’t that what you said?”
Shame shadows his face as he looks away from me. I don’t want to hurt him but I want him to remember his reaction before he goes around blaming everyone else.
“I was scared for you.” He mutters. “I said stupid things. You don’t have to remind me, I remember every day.”
I force my arms into his line of sight. I make him see what I hid from him for so long. “Look at what I do to myself. You shouldn’t have to care about someone who does this. No one should. You were right all along. How could you love a girl, who doesn’t even love herself?”
He lifts his hand and strokes my forearm. Yuri’s touch to my scars is soothing and soft. A million thoughts race through my head. None of them come close to the words he says to me.
“With every breath I breathe, until there is nothing left. That’s how I’ll love you.” He gently takes the sides of my face into his palms. “And one day you will see yourself the way I do. The way I’ve always seen you.”
I fall into Yuri’s lap and bury my head into the dip of his neck. I know he can feel the tears, but I don’t want him to see them.
“Listen to me.” He whispers. “I wish I could redo that night. Your beautiful face, those big eyes filled with tears that I put there, haunts my dreams every night. And after Galina…after I lost my sister. I couldn’t lose you. I thought if I put pressure on you, you’d stop hurting yourself. I was wrong.”
Galina. We hadn’t talked much about her. She was a beautiful spirit in this world and she was taken too soon. It’s possible that seeing those scars on my arm reminded him of the ones on his sisters. Maybe that’s why he couldn’t bare it. Maybe that’s why he left.
“I miss her too.” I tell him. “I’m sorry.”
He drops his head and I cradle him to me. That drunk driver hadn’t just crushed his ankle. It left him without the sister he had loved and it led to his addiction. It nearly ruined his career. And it kept him from me. For a year he wouldn’t see me. He didn’t skate either. He left to get help on his own. I didn’t blame him. I was twenty when it happened and I would have given anything to be there for him. I loved Galina too and her death left a hole in my heart.
Yuri wraps his arms around me. “I can’t lose you, too. I want you to get help.”
He rocks me in his warm and strong embrace. I hold on to him, like someone would a life-jacket in the eye of a sea storm. Telling him these things has shaken up my world. I’ve exposed myself to him. The dark pain that I’ve never let anyone see. And I’ve given him my body. He says that this isn’t too much. That he can handle what I am. But the doubt is there. So, I know his words will have to be louder than the voice in my head.
“H-how?”
“Get away from them.” He runs his hand over my he head and settles it at the back of my neck. “We can get you help and you can still skate. Your aunt may have tainted the ice or turned it black as you say. But black ice or not you skate across it beautifully. You cannot allow her to rob you that. No matter what.”
He’s right. There is still a part of me that loves being in the rink. A part of me that Auntie Carrie hasn’t managed to take. But how in the world do I step back on the ice, without her scorching it? How do I take back what I loved so much? As if my thoughts are words spoken aloud, Yuri finds my gaze.
“Skate with me.”
“In Pairs?”
“Yes. With me, you can compete and enjoy it. We can win together. Your Aunt won’t have a say. It will be about us. Just us.”
The offer is tempting. More than that, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. To skate beside him. Winning with him. But I know Auntie Carrie. She brought Yuri here for a reason. I just haven’t
worked it all out yet. And she isn’t going to just let me go. She sure as hell isn’t going to let Yuri and I be anything. No, she will make it her mission to ruin this. Because that’s what she does. She takes the little that I have and destroys it.
“Just us. You. Me. And the ice. I promise.”
“Maybe in another lifetime.” I whisper combing my fingers through his hair. “This one is way too complicated.”
Yuri takes my rejection, a lot better than I handled his. He cast his gaze away and pulls me closer. I take it that he isn’t fully convinced that my refusal is set in stone. But I know that keeping him away is for his own good. Auntie Carrie treats trash on the street better than her own daughter. Once she sinks her claws into him, he’ll be forever changed, and I won’t let that happen. She can’t do to him, what she’s done to me and Aspen.
I press my head back into the warmth of his neck. Yuri wraps me up again in his embrace. In the back of my mind, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the needle that will burst this bubble. I’m going to lose him and the reality of that puts a pang in my chest. This ache in my heart is going to last a long time. I just know it.
***
“So, are you and Yuri getting it in now?”
Kacee says to me, casually swiping through her phone as we stand in my tiny kitchen. Her comment catches me off guard. I start coughing—no choking. I’m choking on the multivitamin I tossed in right before chugging a gulp of water. My eyes water and I gag over the kitchen sink.
“What? What did you say?”
“Damn, girl. I wasn’t trying to kill you.” Kacee whacks her palm against the middle of my back.
I wave her off. “I’m okay.”
In the rectangular screen of Kacee’s phone, is Yuri and I. Performing what was supposed to be a private moment. Now it’s on display for the entire viral world. I’m not going to lie, we look mesmerizing even to me and I was there. I was the one he held close to his body as we moved down the ice. I felt the strength and power in his hands as he lifted me above him, pushed me in the air and caught me in his arms. I still feel it now.
“You guys have over 1million views, Sage. That’s insane! And have you seen these comments?” Kacee clears her throat and hops on the counter swinging her legs with glee as she reads aloud.
“These two are hot hot hot! Forget sex on the beach, try sex on the ice.” That one makes Kacee giggle and me blush. “Oh! This is my favorite. How did the ice not melt? They are fire. And then it’s like ten fire emojis. Ahh and this one is good too: PyeongChang is you ready? Yaassss!!!! Sage and Yuri are coming for Pairs. Heart emoji, flame emoji, kiss emo—,”
“Okay stop! I get it.” I cover her mouth and she giggles into my hand. I don’t think I can hear her describe one more emoji. “That was just Yuri and I messing around before practice and besides, the problem is that I didn’t post that video.”
Kacee frowns and looks back at her phone. “But it’s from your account.” She mumbles into my palm.
“Wait. Let me see that again.” I peer down at the phone. She’s right. It’s from my account. “Someone must’ve hacked it. I would never post that.”
“Who would hack your account, just to post that video?” Kacee asks.
“Aspen is the only one I can think of. She was pretty pissed with me when she left. And Auntie Carrie isn’t that tech savvy. So, it really just leaves her.” I let out a frustrated groan.
“I’m sorry.” Kacee says rubbing my shoulders.
“No big deal. I guess I can add her to the “We hate Sage Parker group. She and Kennedy would get along just swell.”
“Ohh Dean’s daughter, right?”
“Yeah” I sigh. “Angela has calmed down since I moved out but when I see Kennedy on campus she’s a bitch.”
“Do you think Kennedy was behind that poster you found on your door?”
“Probably. She hates my guts.”
“Well you do spend more time with her Dad than she does. Can you blame her?”
“He’s my coach. I can’t help that.”
“Yeah I know. I’m just saying. He does favor you…a lot. He’s a bit obsessed over you if you ask me. Always checking up on you, making sure you are where you’re supposed to be.”
“If I succeed, he succeeds. It’s his job”
“Yeah, if you say so.”
I feel guilty and push away the bowl of couscous I was going to eat with my vegetables. I take up a lot of Dean’s time. He was my mom’s friend. In some ways being with him makes me feel like I’m with her. And when my father left, Dean stepped up. He took care of me in ways I’d wished my father had. Maybe it’s selfish to want Dean in my life so much but without him, I feel like I have no connection to my mother. Auntie Carrie only brings her up for a guilt trip and uncle Roy hardly ever says her name.
“Well I did what they wanted. I moved out. I’m leaning on my family more now than ever. Working my ass off and losing my mind in the process. Isn’t anyone satisfied?” I snap.
Kacee’s widen gaze looks me over. “I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry Kacee. For real.”
Kacee hops off the counter. “I didn’t mean to imply that you deserve their anger. I just wish you would talk to Dean. I’m sure he could put them in their place. That way they’ll leave you alone. And you and Kennedy used to be really close. Maybe you could get that back.”
I’ve talked to Dean before. Kacee knows that. In the past it only made things worse. She doubled down her antics and made my life even more miserable. No, I have to handle this myself. Just ignore them until they get bored. I start to feel anxious and my mind reminds me of where every razor blade is in my apartment.
“I’m fine. I can handle it.”
Kacee gives me a half smile and a squeeze before scrolling through her phone again. “You’re the strongest person I know, girl.”
It’s hard when people have this idea of you. A concrete image they’ve painted based on situations they’ve perceived you’ve “survived”. But in all those situations what if you barely made it? You cried yourself to sleep. You screamed into your pillow. Your knuckles turned white and your fingernails broke from hanging on so tight. Are you still strong then? Did you really survive?
“So, are you going to compete with Yuri?” Kacee asks suddenly.
“No.” I clear my throat. “We aren’t good together—on the ice. We aren’t good on the ice together.”
“Yeah? Try telling that to your new fan club. #YuriSage is trending everywhere. You guys are a hit already.”
My phone rings from the living room. I grip the counter and try to block out the noise. If it’s Auntie Carrie, she’s already got a plan. If it’s Dean, he’ll want to know what the hell is going on. Maybe it’s Kennedy, ready to taunt me again. And if it’s Yuri…fuck. If it’s Yuri what will he want? The video is already replaying on Kacee’s phone as his words whisper in my head.
Just us. Me. You. And the ice. I promise.
I want that.
Chapter 13
Yuri
I live to be here. I belong on the ice. I put on my skates and it’s about discipline. It’s about ups and downs and it’s all very freeing. When I’m skating, my mind has the chance to go wherever it wants and it always goes to her. I remember conversations that Sage and I have had. I think about our fights and our laughs. The times she has cried. The times I’ve cried for her. They’re too many to number
Anytime something goes right or wrong in my life, she knows first. Her presence in my life means everything to me. This past year without her was the one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I had to get away. Finding her the way I did reawakened my own struggles. It spoke to my addiction. And I realized that I wasn’t strong enough to help her then. I often try to pinpoint the moment I knew she was lost. One particular moment always sticks out.
#
“Drink! Drink! Drink!” The guys jeered loudly as Anton chugg
ed several glasses of beer. We had been watching Russia in the World Cup at my apartment while we simultaneously drank ourselves off our asses. The music and the game had been so loud that it’s a wonder I heard my cellphone ringing in my jacket pocket. If I hadn’t left it there, I would have missed the call.
I recognized the number immediately. It was American and belonged to one person. I looked around the rowdy room. There didn’t seem like a need to excuse myself. My friends were pissing drunk and getting worse by the second. But as I made my way to my bedroom, my girlfriend Zoya tried to stop me. I gestured to her that the call was important. She frowned and I went to my bedroom alone.
“Hello?”
“Yuri…” It was Sage and she was upset. “S-something’s—my…”
I wasn’t able to make out many words at first. She was a mess. But hearing her cry had quickly sobered me up. I sat up on the edge of my bed and tried to calm her down.
“Sage? What it is? What’s happened?”
She cried harder. So, I waited. Ten minutes came and went before she could work up the words to speak clearly. The whole time I assumed the worse. I wondered if she’d been hurt. If she were out lost somewhere. Was she alone? I was nineteen and I’d never been so scared in my life.
“Sage, could you try to tell me what’s happened? Are you alright?”
She struggled to catch her breath while I held on to mine. I needed to know what was going on. I was going out of my mind with worry. When she’d finally spoken again, she was calmer. Still, her words had shook in her throat.
“My mom—she died today.”
The news hurt my heart, but not even close to the way I knew it had hurt hers. I let out a long sigh, kicking off my shoes and settling in bed. I wasn’t going anywhere for a while and that was okay. I dragged my laptop off the bedside table and opened it up. I couldn’t fix this. I couldn’t explain it away or rationalize it. She had lost her mother and while mine was very much alive, I knew that the pain must have been incredibly deep.
“I’m sorry, Little bird.” I told her as I felt the tears spring to my eyes. I was going to cry, because her pain had felt like mine.
Black Ice Page 10