She froze. "I'm sorry, I guess I asked too much."
"No, your request was reasonable in the circumstance." He put his arms around her bringing her close to him.
She was almost afraid to move, lest he change his mind. "Thank you, Roque. It means so much to me. After the experience I've had, it's really been neat to be with a man who didn't want to, you know. I'm really sorry I came on to you the way I did before. I guess control and restraint are the biggest things I've been learning. I just somehow thought that the only way to please a man was—"
"Please desist, before you embarrass me further."
"Sorry," she said, chagrined.
"There is something I must tell you," he said gravely. "Aspects of it may not please you, and if that is the case, you have my apology, and I will understand if you prefer to separate yourself from me."
"You're going to send me home!" she cried, stricken. "No. Were you listening when I talked with Orlene last night?"
"Yes," she said faintly.
"Then you are aware that I have never married and never was able to develop a close association with a member of the opposite sex. There is an aspect I did not discuss, however."
"No! You can't be gay!" she exclaimed in horror.
He laughed. "No, that is not my situation. But certainly I have had a secret vice. I am, despite your impression, typical of men in my desires. In my private imagination for many years I have pictured an event of a nature I have never cared to advertise. In this vision an attractive young woman approaches me and states that she has conceived an inordinate passion for me and wishes to indulge herself with me in the wildest of sexual orgies. This is of course forbidden, for she may not even be of legal age. Yet in my vision I am sorely tempted, assured that no other party would know."
Vita lifted her head. "You're joking!"
"Far from it. When you stated that you wished to be my mistress, you fulfilled that secret desire. I knew that I should send you immediately to some other facility. I knew that I was wrong in my failure to do that. Even then, I knew that in time you and I would find ourselves as we are now. I accepted the ruse of Orlene's control, knowing that she would free you for this encounter. Therefore, I can not claim any surprise; I wanted to be alone with you. This is the manner you have misread me; I am no better than any of the men who have used you in the past."
Vita was stunned. "You—You wanted me all the time?"
"I did. I fought against it, knowing how wrong it was to implement any part of my fell vision, and lost. But I assure you that this is as far as it will go. I have no intention of molesting you, and if I have repulsed you by this confession, I certainly understand."
"But last night Orlene was willing, and you didn't touch her."
"That was less nobility than expedience. My desire is not for Orlene, though certainly I would be interested if that were her wish. My desire is for you."
"But you knew I was watching! You could have done it with her, and I could've pretended it was me."
"She offered herself as a legitimizing personality, she being of age and experience to know her mind. She did not truly desire this kind of interaction with me, but felt that she owed it to you, for the use you have allowed her of your body. I find that a fine gesture on her part, but it is not one I care to indulge. My vision is illicit; my desire is for the body and personality of youth."
"Young flesh!" she exclaimed. "All day you put away pimps and women who do it, and you crave it yourself!"
"That is my secret shame. I regret destroying your image of me, but I felt you should know the truth."
"You don't really care for me, you just want young flesh!" she charged.
"The irony is that I do care for you. I have been impressed by the manner you settled down and worked at learning, and by your increasingly proper deportment. I know that many times at meals and during our walks in the roof park the others have relinquished your body to you, and that after your first declaration, you have not shamed yourself in your actions or words. You have been helpful to Vaasta; indeed, she has spoken favorably of you. You are becoming a fine young woman, and it ill behooves me to interfere with that. This is why my illicit passion for your flesh is such an evil; it spoils what would otherwise be an excellent relationship."
"But you know if you asked me, I'd be glad to spread my legs for you!"
"That is one reason I have not asked you. The willingness of the girl does not excuse sexual abuse."
"So you just figured to get me here like this, and tell me your desire, and that'll maybe turn me off, and it'll be over," Vita said. "You aren't one for force or rape or anything like that."
"I am afraid so."
"But you sort of hoped it wouldn't turn me off, and I'd dive right in with you anyway."
"It is the time for candor."
Vita thought about it, not moving from his embrace. "I guess I should ask Orlene."
"She well might have some sage advice for you at this stage."
"But I'm not going to. You know what I really wanted, when I said I wanted to be your mistress?"
"Love, security, attention."
"That's right! And the best way I ever knew to get it was to please a man, and the best way to please a man was by having sex with him. I didn't know any other way to win your interest, and I wanted it real bad."
"I think I was aware of that too. Certainly you are not obliged to prostitute yourself to me for—"
"Oh, shut up, Roque! I want your love! Now I know that it's not the same as your sex. Can you say you love me?"
Roque hesitated. "I cannot say I do not."
"Why not just lie to me?" she flared. "Say the magic word, and I'll do anything you want!"
"This is, of course, standard procedure with men," he said. "To tell a woman it is love, when the true object is merely sex. I would not care to deceive you in that manner."
"Why not?" she demanded.
"It would not be ethical. But apart from that, I am uncertain of my feeling for you. It would be foolish for a middle-aged man to love a child in that manner."
"Then tell me you don't love me!"
"I cannot."
"If I can't have your love, I'll give it to you for honesty.
Nobody ever seemed to care much before how I felt about it, and you do."
"True."
"Oh Roque, could you maybe just kiss me and see how it is?"
"I am not certain that would be wise."
"So call me out of order!" she said, and turned her face to find his in the dark. She kissed him emphatically. He remained passive for a moment, then his arms tightened around her. He kissed her back. It seemed to go on forever, and her feeling ignited, and she half climbed on him, trying to get closer than close.
"Oh, Roque," she gasped. "If that isn't love, I'll settle for it!"
"It is passion," he said. "Not to be trusted."
"Look, I know a girl's not supposed to get all hot and eager, especially when she's underage, but I've just got to have you! All those bad men I've had in me, let me get one good one and erase all the rest!"
"This isn't right—" he began.
"You have your vision, I have mine too! I want you to want me, to want me so bad you just can't help yourself," she said, clawing out of her nightie. "Maybe the world will end tomorrow if you do it, but you're so hot you don't care, you just gotta have me, and I'm yours, Roque, I'm yours." Free of her clothing, she started to work on his. "Your vision is my vision, you crafted it just for me—that's what I want to believe!"
He could not withhold his mounting passion. "Ask Orlene!" he cried. "Ask her if she can tolerate this!"
You're doing great, girl! Orlene thought, feeling hot herself. Maybe it is wrong, but it's got to be!
"She says to go for it!" Vita panted, getting his pajamas open.
"We shall surely regret this in the morning," he said, his resistance crumbling.
Then they were kissing again, and merging, and Vita felt the thrust of his loin and the
jet of his culmination, and she went into a feeling she had never had before in sex with a man, and clung to him and stretched to kiss him and touch his tongue with hers while the feeling spread through the rest of her body. "Oh, Roque! Oh, Roque!" she breathed, over and over.
"Oh, my darling," he breathed back. "Though I go to Hell, it is worth it!"
"I'll go there with you, my darling, my love!" she babbled, clinging to him, trying to keep the fading feeling, trying to hold him within her. But it was useless; they had to separate, lying beside each other.
"We have been quite crazy," he remarked. "Yeah." Then she realized something. "Hey, you never felt me up!"
She felt the shake of his laughter. "I fear it is late for that."
"No, it isn't! Here, do it now!" She grabbed for his hand and hauled it to her breast. "Squeeze!"
He squeezed, gently. "Do you know, it does give me pleasure, even at this moment when my sexual urgency has been sated."
"So maybe you really do love me."
"So maybe I do," he echoed.
She caught his hand again, guiding it to her other breast. "Every one of my johns, he was hot to kiss me and feel me before, but once he got his meat in, that was all, he just wanted to be outta there. How come it's different now?"
"Because we did it for love."
"Oh, Roque, can you say it now?"
"I think perhaps I can, foolish though I know it to be."
"Say it! Oh, say it!"
"I love you, Vita," he said.
"I love you, Roque." She had thrilled to his presence, and to their dialogue, and to their culmination, but the thrill she felt now was deeper and finer than any of these. "Promise me you won't change your mind in the morning!"
"You know I cannot promise that, Vita. In the morning the full realization of my folly will be upon me."
"Well, it won't be on me! I could stay here like this forever!"
"So could I, Vita. But morning will come despite us."
Morning did come. Vita did not remember sleeping, just lying there holding his hand to her breasts, but now the light was filtering in past the cabin curtains. Roque was in his bathrobe, clean-shaven, his hair combed.
He saw her stirring. "Perhaps I should absent myself while you clean up and dress," he said.
She felt her hair plastered to her face in sodden hanks. They had sweated last night! "I must be a sight!"
"You are beautiful." He walked toward the door.
She scrambled up, heedless of her nakedness, and ran to him. "Don't go, Roque! I've got this notion that if you do, you'll never come back! You'll realize it was all a terrible mistake, and you'll resolve to never let it happen again and I'll lose you forever!"
"Well—"
She caught him and tore open his robe, then plastered herself against him. "Please, please, please, Roque, this is all the time we have. I swear I'll behave when we're back in the city, let me be your nymphet now!"
"You are trying to seduce me!" he exclaimed with mock outrage.
"Anything you want, Roque! I've been waiting all my life for right now, and I'll never have another time like this. I've got to make the most of it! I love you, I love you!"
"And I love you—even in the morning," he said, and she knew she had won.
"Don't forget to feel me," she reminded him.
"You are amazing," he said, running his hand over her buttocks.
Soon they were into sex again. She didn't think of it as making love, because this entire experience was an unremitting making of love; the sex was only its most emphatic manifestation.
Jolie woke from the vision of the memory. "The whole vacation?" she asked, flabbergasted. "Solid sex? You were more than naughty!"
Solid love, Orlene corrected. I thought I was going to have a limited affair with him, for the benefit of Vita, but she wound up doing it herself.
You liked it too! Vita put in.
I liked it too, Orlene agreed. I stayed out of it, overtly, but really I did participate. We were wanton! That poor man hardly got any rest at all. Now we leave the pieces for you to pick up.
Jolie tried to be angry, but this vision was too fresh and strong, too full of the delight of abandon. She remembered her seduction of Parry when he was a friar. How sweet it had been—but with what a consequence!
Unfortunately this, too, would have a consequence. Now Jolie remembered something she seemed to have forgotten. "I must tell you something I learned," she subvocalized. "You must not repeat this to any mortal. We want to consider Judge Scott as a candidate to become an Incarnation. This means that I shall be observing him to decide to what degree he qualifies. But—"
Oh, no! Orlene thought. And we just caused him to sin!
"Gaea disagrees. She feels that natural, consenting love is no sin, and if it is to be considered such, then the definitions of sin need amending."
Yes! Orlene agreed. He is a good man. he deserves an Office!
But if he should become an Incarnation, Vita asked, what would become of him?
"He would step into an immortal plane and leave his ordinary mortal existence behind. He would no longer age, or be vulnerable to mortal mishap."
So then he wouldn't be interested in any nymphet.
Jolie saw her point. "You knew this could not be permanent, Vita. In fact, it could not extend beyond your one wild fling. So that wouldn't make any difference to you."
Yes, it would! I want to be near him always!
"However, if there should be any longer-term relationship, it is not unknown for Incarnations to retain them," Jolie continued. "I maintain a relationship with an Incarnation, though I am a ghost, and Luna Kaftan maintains one with the Incarnation of Death."
Maybe there's a chance for me. Vita thought, relieved. Which Incarnation is he being considered for?
Here Jolie drew a blank. "I—I think it could be any one of them. But each is so important mat it is vital that no errors be made."
Vita was dismayed. We made him sin—and now he won't qualify? she asked.
He didn't sin! Orlene demurred. Maybe we did, but he didn't. He tried to do the decent thing all along, but in the end he was human, and I am glad of it.
"The question is, how does he feel about it?" Jolie asked. "If he feels it was a sin, then there is evil on his soul, and it will hurt him."
Perhaps you should ask him, Orlene suggested.
Jolie sighed, knowing she would have to do it.
She broached the matter as they rode the carpet to the city. "I understand the girls were active during my absence," she said.
"Exceedingly," he admitted. "I am sure you are aware that my interaction was with the child, not the woman, despite expectations."
He would not bend a bit to protect himself! "What are your intentions?"
"I shall report myself to the board of ethics, which I suspect will suspend me pending investigation and retire me thereafter."
She had been afraid of this. "Roque, I left because I felt that what was contemplated was wrong. But now I see it otherwise. There was no force, no coercion, no promises founded or unfounded. There was only love between man and woman. A young woman, granted, but old enough in experience and in guidance to know her mind. I don't believe that should be the concern of the board of ethics."
"The law is clear, and I am charged with the upholding of it. When I transgress, I must pay the price."
"When the board investigates, they will question the girl. She will testify that nothing untoward happened. What will then be the disposition of the case?"
"But that would be untrue!" he exclaimed.
"The girl is young and has a checkered history. She knows what would happen to you and to herself if she confirmed any intimacy between the two of you. Do you think she will indict you?"
He stared at her. "This is blackmail!"
"This is reason. In your heart you know that no crime was committed and that the lodging of the report you contemplate would only hurt each of you. What is your ultimate definition of
justice?"
"You speak like a creature from Hell!"
"I am the consort of the Master of Hell."
He pondered. "The girl must leave my house. Only then may we be assured that the event was isolated."
No! Vita thought.
"She loves you, Roque."
"And I love her. But it must be."
Jolie sighed. "You are a good man, Judge Scott. You hold to higher standards than we do. We shall depart your residence at our earliest convenience."
No! I can't! I'll die!
Quiet, you silly child! Orlene snapped. She has something in mind.
"Thank you, Jolie," the Judge said, looking miserable.
"You are not welcome, Roque."
At that he had to smile. "I think it best that you not relinquish control until the departure is accomplished."
Jolie nodded. He was indeed a good man.
Chapter 6 - DEATH
Jolie took them to Luna's office. She borrowed the Judge's personal carpet; it would return to him on its own when she got off and dismissed it.
So what's your plan? Vita demanded. You know it's my body; you can't keep me away from him forever!
"I can as long as I retain control," Jolie said. "But fear not, I am on the side of romance, having been the route myself. The Judge had to do what he did; it was his compromise after I threatened him with your noncooperation. If he couldn't pay the penalty for his deed, he had to make certain that no further abuse occurred. So he will not report the matter, and you are gone from his household. But that does not mean gone from his life. We shall be seeing him again soon enough, I'm sure."
When? How?
"We are about to determine that. Meanwhile, Orlene, I think it is time we resumed your quest for your baby. You have recovered your equilibrium, and can now exist as a ghost without sinking to Hell."
Oh, Jolie, of course I want to do that! But "But you are halfway in love with Roque yourself, and wish to leave him hardly more than Vita does."
It is true. I have not forgotten Norton, nor do I wish to encroach on Vita's interest, but—
It's okay, Orlene! I feel so much better with you along. Without you I couldn't have been with Roque on that vacation, and even when you let me do it with him, you were there, helping me not to make too much of a fool of myself. Without you I'd revert to H; I know you and Jolie are helping me get over the craving, and with three it's much easier than alone. I really need you! I have no jealousy of you; you're part of what Roque sees in me.
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