Panicked, Hope jumped to her feet, her chair crashing to the floor behind her. She wouldn’t let him go. “Why not?”
Her heart cried out, and she fought for control. He was too important to let walk out of her life. She couldn’t when he’d come to mean so much to her.
She rushed around the table to get close to him. He had to feel the connection between them. Each touch had heated her skin. “Tell me what’s going on.”
* * *
On his knees, Josh ignored Hope while he searched under the sofa for his left shoe. He focused on that because he couldn’t leave without it, and thinking about something other than the hurt on her face would keep him from losing it.
“Talk to me,” Hope pleaded.
The confusion in her voice cut into him.
“I…” He saw his shoe, grabbed it, and then stood. “I like you, Hope.”
“I like you, too.”
Hearing those words didn’t make him feel better. He hadn’t realized what he was doing until eating breakfast this morning and saying the word addicted. A warning sound had blared in his brain.
A wake-up call to something he’d been blind to. Or maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it.
He’d been warned against this—against starting a relationship—repeatedly. But that was what he’d done. Relationship, romance, whatever one wanted to call it.
All his feelings for Hope, the rush he got being around her, how he felt whole being with her…
This was more than friendship, and he wanted her badly. He needed her like he needed air to breathe and water to drink. Only he couldn’t trust if his feelings were real. He couldn’t trust anything, especially himself.
“This isn’t your fault. I screwed up.” He’d known the rules. Sam had even mentioned this to him on Tuesday, but Josh hadn’t let that stop his growing feelings and attachment to Hope. He combed his fingers through his hair. “I’m not supposed to date or start a new relationship during the first twelve months of rehab.”
“I didn’t know that, but we live on opposite sides of the country and won’t be seeing each other for a while.”
“True, but I…”
No matter what he said, he would hurt her like her ex-husband had. That was killing Josh when her trust in him was as clear as the lips, eyes, and nose on her face. But he couldn’t hold anything back. That wouldn’t be fair to her.
“You’ve been kind and understanding.” He wasn’t sure where the words were coming from or if they were the right ones, but he owed her an explanation. “My sweet angel, my Hope, but since meeting you, I’ve been lying to myself, to everyone.”
Lines creased her forehead. “Lying about what?”
“You.”
She flinched. “I don’t understand.”
Josh wanted to kiss her confusion away, but he forced himself to put on his shoes instead. He had to leave. “We haven’t known each other long, but I’m falling for you. Hard.”
Her eyes danced, the gold flecks like flames of confetti, and a smile returned to her face. “I feel the same way about you. So what’s the problem?”
Josh needed her to understand why their feelings weren’t enough. He took a breath and another.
“Part of my recovery has made me look at myself. I don’t like what I found.” He dragged in yet another breath, letting it out on a shaky exhale. “People have made my life easy because I could throw a football and scramble for yardage. So easy I became a spoiled, entitled brat. I wasn’t an adult, but a man-child, an arrogant jerk only looking out for himself.”
Maybe that was why he’d enjoyed the ‘making amends’ step so much. It wasn’t only a way to show others he’d changed, but also himself.
“I may have thought my injury pushed me into alcoholism, but I’d been on that path long before I got hurt. I no longer want to be that guy.”
“You’re not.”
“I’m a work in progress.”
“I’m willing to wait.”
The emotion in her voice made him want to sink to his knees and beg forgiveness. He wanted to ask her to wait, but he couldn’t because he had no idea if or when he’d be the man he wanted to be. He wouldn’t hold her back like that.
“Go home. You need time. I get that.” Her voice was calm and soothing. “But we can still get to know each other better in the meantime. That’s one of the beauties of technology.”
If only they could, but he’d never been a do-things-in-moderation kind of guy. It was cold turkey or nothing. That was how he quit drinking. That was the only way to get over these feelings for her—ones he didn’t understand nor trust.
“I can’t.” He forced himself not to touch Hope. If he did, he might not ever let go.
Yes, he was being selfish by not giving her a choice in his decision and hurting her, but at the same time, letting her go wouldn’t be easy for him. He wanted her. Needed her. But if he held on the way he wanted, he’d never know if what he felt was real or a substitute for his first love—alcohol. Hope deserved more.
“The way you make me feel is incredible,” he added. “Being with you has been wonderful, but I’m afraid you could easily become another addiction. Something I need to function rather than a beautiful addition to my life. If you aren’t already.”
Pain flashed in her eyes, but it was gone in an instant, replaced by a vacant look that crushed him. Her features went slack. “I, uh, didn’t understand. I know little about recovery or what you’re going through.”
“Don’t blame yourself.” He didn’t want her to make excuses or feel bad that she hadn’t known. “You were great last night. What I needed. I wish things could be different, but I’m still finding my way.”
She stared down her nose. “But…”
“I can’t chance anything right now. A relationship would be a huge risk, especially when I’ve been warned against it.” Saying the words deflated him, even if he knew that was what he needed to do for himself. He only hoped she would forgive him. “It’s my choice to stay sober or to drink. No one else’s. But I need to limit distractions and regain my focus. If I relapse…”
“I know you don’t want to relapse. I don’t want that, either.” The words flew rapid fire from her mouth. “Do whatever it takes to stay sober.”
“Even if it hurts you?”
“Even then,” she said without missing a beat. “I care what happens to you, Josh. I want only the best for you. Sobriety. You have my support.”
Her selfless words were killing him, and he was reminded again how he didn’t deserve her. Josh blinked back tears.
“None of this is your fault. All of it’s on me. But you’re paying the price for my mistakes.” His voice cracked. “Being with you here in Indigo Bay has given me such a sense of peace, a way I haven’t felt in a long time, but going into that bar to help Dare’s sister reminded me there’s no safe place for an alcoholic. The demon is always in reach, always waiting for one more chance to take hold.”
Her lower lip quivered. If he hadn’t been staring at her so intently, he would have missed it.
Josh couldn’t take seeing her pain any longer. He hugged her, burying his face against her hair, smelling her sweet strawberry scent. “I’m sorry. I keep talking about what I need to do, but I’m thinking of you, too. It’s better to cause a little hurt now than risk shattering your heart later if I drink again. You deserve more.”
She squeezed him before stepping away. “I understand.”
He wanted to hold her again. Even now, he didn’t want to let go. She had to be the one.
Hope took a breath. “Focus on yourself, staying sober, and being healthy. Forget everything and everyone else, including me.”
His breath hitched. She was giving him an out, full permission to do what he needed to do, without a thought to herself. “I won’t ever forget you.”
“You have to.”
Josh hated this was happening. He wanted to be stronger, so he didn’t have to hurt someone so caring, but he wasn’t there yet. He di
dn’t know if he ever would be. “I wish it could be different.”
Her gaze locked on his. In the depths, he saw the truth. She might be telling him to go, but she wanted him to stay.
Josh didn’t know how long they stood staring at each other. He never wanted the moment to end.
Hope glanced away, breaking the contact, the connection. “Life doesn’t always turn out as we wished it would, but there’s usually a lesson to be learned from that.”
“Please don’t hate me.” The words came out an anguished cry.
She touched his cheek. “I could never hate you.”
He leaned into her hand.
Hope lowered her arm before grabbing her phone from the coffee table. “I don’t want to be a distraction for you. I’m going to delete you from my contacts. I want you to do the same.”
Disappointment sat like a boulder in his stomach. What she suggested needed to be done. A total break. No contact. But hearing her say those words slashed his heart in two.
“The twelve months might be a guideline,” she continued, but he wasn’t sure if she was talking to him or herself. “Every person is different. This way, neither of us is tempted to reach out. Get your phone.”
He did.
Hope’s index finger trembled, but that didn’t keep her from pressing on the screen. “Done. Your turn.”
Josh blew out a breath, raising a finger that felt as if it weighed a ton, and then deleted her info. “Done.”
Eyes gleaming, Hope blinked. “Do you need a ride back?
“I’m good.”
Leaving was the last thing he wanted to do. He’d rather hold her, kiss her, stay by her side forever. That told him he needed to get away from her.
Josh stood. “Thanks for everything.”
“You’re welcome.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. Her breaths came faster. “This is for the best.”
“The best,” he repeated, when all he wanted was a do-over.
“No regrets, okay?”
“No regrets.” He hoped that wouldn’t turn into a lie once he was back in Berry Lake.
Hope followed him toward the door, but her normal warmth had vanished. She seemed stiff, distant, even though they were less than two feet away from each other.
“Sometimes doing the right thing is hard.” She opened the front door. “You’ll get through this, Josh. Come out stronger.”
“I’m counting on that.” His throat burned. Each breath took effort. If he weren’t careful, he would cry. He had no idea if she felt the same awful ache in her chest as he did, but she was being too nice when he was the one leaving. “Goodbye, Hope.”
“Bye, Josh.” She stepped back, making a hug impossible. Probably better this way. “Have a safe flight home.”
“Always.”
With that, he stepped onto the front porch. The door closed behind him.
As he put one foot in front of the other, forcing himself away from her and toward his cottage, four words swirled around his head.
It’s for the best.
Yes, Hope was correct about that, but that didn’t stop the stinging in his eyes or the loneliness threatening to engulf him. He couldn’t let either get to him. Josh needed to concentrate and do what needed to be done.
He unlocked his phone. Hit a number on his favorites list. “Hey, Rudy. It’s Josh. Sorry to call so early, but there’s something you need to know.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“I did the right thing.”
Hope sat on the floor with her back against the front door, repeating the words to herself between sobs. She wrapped her arms around her bent knees. This was better than the fetal position, right? Though she’d been tempted to roll over and try that more than once.
Saying the words aloud didn’t take away the ache in her chest or the empty feeling inside her, nor did it convince her what she said was true. She couldn’t stop the tears from falling for Josh and for herself.
“I did the right thing.” Based on the pauses between each word, she didn’t sound too convincing.
Why did it have to hurt so much?
Somehow in front of Josh, she’d remained in control. Hope wasn’t sure how that happened because she’d been ready to break down, but she was grateful she’d held herself together.
He’d been on the verge of tears, which had only added to her heartbreak. If she had cried, she wasn’t sure what would have happened. Not losing it had taken every bit of her strength, but the less emotional the goodbye, the better for Josh with a long flight ahead of him and his continued journey to sobriety.
As for her…
Watching him leave was impossible to do without crying. She’d shut the door before letting the tears fall. She wasn’t sure if she’d been sitting here for fifteen minutes or five hours. All she knew was Josh Cooper had left. She hadn’t known him long, but that hadn’t mattered to her heart.
It had only been a few days, but she’d fallen for him. Was it love? Until he’d said he was leaving, she hadn’t been sure, but now…
I love him.
But her love equaled another addiction to him.
Well, a possible one as he saw it.
Josh might as well have taken a knife and stabbed her heart after saying what he did. The effect would have been the same.
Her love was too dangerous for him.
Because of that, she’d done what was best for Josh, even if that meant losing him forever.
I miss him already.
Why had she risked her heart again?
He had been worth it. And so was she.
Somehow, she needed to remember that when all she wanted was to beat herself up for allowing her feelings to get out of control.
She rubbed her sore, wet eyes.
Josh’s well-being was the most important thing. Hope would do anything to help him. He was the one who had to decide to remain sober. More than anything, she wanted him to move forward and pursue his dreams, whether they were in the broadcast booth, the sky, or somewhere else.
“I did the right thing.”
Not being a part of each other's lives was the best for Josh. Logically, she knew that, but her heart wasn’t there yet.
Hope wiped the tears from her cheeks. Von would be home for dinner tonight. She didn’t want him to see her like this. Or, worse, give him another reason to say ‘I told you so’.
You did the right thing.
She rose from the floor, making sure to lock the front door. A shower might help, and then she’d have to see what else could take away the emptiness inside.
* * *
Back in Berry Lake, Josh talked to his family and Dr. Kettering about Hope. They’d been understanding and forgiving about his not mentioning her while he’d been away. More than he’d been with himself, but he was working on that. Rudy had told him to keep showing up for himself, but Hope’s words kept him going.
Focus on yourself, staying sober, and being healthy. Forget everything and everyone else, including me.
Josh was trying, except no one else would let him forget about Hope, especially his brother.
“Don’t be a jerk,” Sam said a week later when he’d called on Sunday morning. He hadn’t made it to Berry Lake for the weekend as planned. “I just asked if you’d heard from Hope.”
“The answer is the same as it was three days ago. I haven’t.” Josh sat in his parents’ backyard under a clear blue sky. “We deleted each other’s numbers from our contacts.”
From his earliest sessions with Dr. Kettering, she’d warned him why relationships the first year of recovery were a bad idea. That was why he’d understood how a new addiction could take the place of alcohol, and what he feared was happening with Hope. But that hadn’t stopped him from wanting to learn more about the chemistry of love since he’d been home. If only to prove that five days wasn’t long enough to fall for someone. That what he’d felt for Hope was nothing more than chemicals causing the same reactions in his brain as drinking had.
“I
t’s for the best,” Josh repeated what Hope had told him.
“You sound certain.”
“I am.” Even if thoughts of Hope struck him at random times. “I’ve been home longer than I was with her. That’s made me wonder what my real feelings for her were.”
“Distance and time will make that clearer.”
“You think, oh wise one?” Josh teased.
“Hey, I may be younger, but some of the stuff I see during calls makes me feel ancient.” Sam sounded off.
“Rough night?” Josh asked, not used to hearing his brother like this.
“One of the worst.”
Yet, Sam had called as he said he would. The youngest brother had gotten all the responsible, nice-guy genes in the family. Only Sam had been silent about his life in Seattle, sharing only a funny anecdote or two. Nothing about his job, which must suck at times. Maybe all the time.
Guilt sliced through Josh. His brother was trying to protect him. He couldn’t be angry, per se, but he wanted to be part of the family—not the one everyone worried about and watched over. “Seattle’s a big city. Move back to Berry Lake. I bet the sheriff would love to hire an officer with your experience.”
“I’d die of boredom.”
“Boredom might be better than working one rough night after another.” Josh took a breath. Something niggled at him. He had to ask. “Are you drinking?”
Sam swore. “After what you’ve gone through? No, man. I’m not drinking other than one beer if I’m out with the guys. I’m not self-medicating, either, if that’s your next question.”
“It was.”
“Now you sound like an older brother.” Sam’s tone was skeptical.
“I am older, though I haven’t acted like it.”
“You’ve apologized for that. Just stay the course.”
The love in Sam’s voice hit Josh hard. He’d been a lousy brother and son. Sam was the baby of the family, but Josh had assumed the role. Their parents loved all three of their children but had allowed him to become a golden child diva.
How much had that hurt Ava and Sam? Josh didn’t want to know the answer. Not yet anyway. “I will.”
Sweet Beginnings Page 14