You have a big family, don’t you? Are your sisters twins? I ask since both are twenty-nine. You might be saying you’re not a workaholic, but run, work, gym, work, is the pattern of an overworked CEO. Do you live on coffee and single malt? Let me guess, you like your coffee dark and bitter—like your soul. I noticed you didn’t list eating in your weekly schedule. Do you wait until the weekend to eat?
I don’t know the brands of tequila you mentioned, I’ll make sure to check them out when I travel to Mexico—never.
You have hobbies. Winter sports, maybe hiking. Do you fish? You’re one of those outdoorsy people, aren’t you? I’m shocked since you live to work. Again, see your schedule above before you protest.
It’s up to you to answer the questionnaire. If you don’t have a reservation ready for your wife’s birthday, it won’t be my fault. Your dry cleaning won’t deliver itself—you’re in charge. Thankfully, you don’t own a pet. I won’t worry about any pet services, or that poor Rufus would die of boredom. If your birthday is within the next three months, may I remind you to make a doctor’s appointment for your physical? I don’t have that information either.
Most of our clients are easy going and understand that to serve them, they have to trust us. You have trust issues. I can’t wait to start my assignment this upcoming Monday.
Amy.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Last word
Sunday, March 6th, 7:23 p.m.
We’ll see who gets the last word, Ms. Walker. Does your boss monitor these emails? What do they think about your work etiquette? I’m curious. I’d fire my employees if they were talking like you do to our clients. Unfortunately, you’re right. I have to deal with you until Carla is back. She’s not taking my calls. Thank you for sending her the flowers and the gift.
My sisters are twins. The babies of the family. My parents wanted a girl, they got two for the price of one. Of course, I eat during the week. My housekeeper prepares my breakfast every morning. When I arrive at work around eight, there’s always coffee on my desk. Large, triple shot latte with nonfat milk and one sugar. I don’t drink it black. Carla makes sure I have a Reuben sandwich on rye and chips for lunch by eleven thirty with a Pellegrino water. For dinner, I eat out on Wednesdays, cook for myself other days, or Carla orders me a pizza if I plan on working late at the office.
Mexico is an excellent place to vacation. My brothers and I like to go down to Cozumel. It’s a great place for scuba diving. I guess you’re right. I enjoy winter sports, water sports, and watch hockey when we have time. By we, I mean my dad and my brothers. We only fish when Dad invites us, but it’s not something I’d do otherwise.
I don’t live to work.
You’re a picky eater. I bet you’re one of those people who swear they eat everything, but in reality only eat a few things.
Don’t worry about my wife’s birthday. I don’t have one of those. My housekeeper takes care of my dry cleaning. My birthday isn’t until September. Alex’s birthday was today, and Carla made sure to wrap the present I bought him. I can buy my family gifts, you don’t have to worry about them.
J.
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: So many questions …
Sunday, March 6th, 8:39 p.m.
Are you sure you won’t answer my questionnaire?
So, whoever says the last word on June 10th wins?
I can’t wait to claim the prize. What do I get?
Who is Alex?
Our emails, chats, and calls are monitored for training purposes and to ensure the highest quality service.
Will I get to wrap any presents?
I’m surprised to learn you have a housekeeper. Did she sign a top-secret NDA? Poor woman, I feel her pain.
You like hockey? Hmm, you might not be as bad as I thought.
I hope you enjoyed your day with your brothers.
Amy
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Re: so many questions
Sunday, March 6th, 9:10 p.m.
Clearly, you don’t understand the word no. I won’t answer your questionnaire. There is no prize. I guess if you last until June 10th, I won’t complain to your supervisors and get you fired. Alex is one of my brothers. Jason is only a year younger than me, then there’s Alex who turned thirty-one yesterday.
Unless you come to pick up the gifts I buy, I can’t see how you’ll wrap them. I love hockey, and I have season tickets.
How do you know I spent the day with my brothers?
J
Chapter Three
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Impressed
Monday, March 7th, 8:05 a.m.
I see what you did, and I have to confess, I’m impressed. If we were keeping score, you could say, you won this round. Make sure to transcribe the recording I sent you through the portal.
Well played, Ms. Walker.
J. Spearman
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Transcriptions
Monday, March 7th, 9:41 a.m.
The transcription is ready. Zoe just messaged me to warn me that your ten o’clock arrived five minutes ago.
Would it be intrusive to ask if you only drink coffee at eight? I’m good at my job, but I’m not a mind reader, Mr. Spearman. Lunch will arrive on time. Let me know if you do the meat lovers or only pepperoni for that pizza. It’s Monday, I have the feeling you will be staying late today.
Amy
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Tasks
Monday, March 7th, 1:05 p.m.
Please find a list of tasks, have them done first thing tomorrow. Next time, I’ll need a glass with ice for my water. Are you a ninja?
J. Spearman
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Ninja abilities
Tuesday, March 8th, 7:41 a.m.
Martial arts isn’t my forte. I tried Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I liked it but I don’t have time to attend class. I should check other places to see if I can work it into my schedule. Though, being a ninja would be incredible. I did a couple of years of Taekwondo when I was seven. My mom decided to pull me out of class after I used a few moves on a bully at school.
Let me guess, you played lacrosse.
Amy
P. S. The glasses are in the breakroom.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Reuben Sandwich
Tuesday, March 8th, 11:33 a.m.
I don’t understand what you sent me for lunch.
Rueben, I eat Ruebens for lunch.
Not a box filled with tempura, sushi, and noodles. What’s next, a salad? Attached is a picture of a Rueben sandwich along with a list of ingredients, to make sure that you order the right thing. I won’t stop repeating that word until I see one of those on my desk—with chips. Not edamame.
And no, I didn’t play lacrosse. We played football, basketball, and baseball depending on the season. Jiu Jitsu? Seriously? Who are you?
Of course I can get my own glass, but then what would I need you for?
J. Spearman
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Food
Tuesday, March 8th, 11:41 a.m.
I was hired to be your assistant, not your waitress. I’ve attached my job description, since it seems like you can’t grasp the duties of an assistant. Just for that, I’m pushing your Rueben order to April. Good luck lunching on one of those—unless you order it yourself.
Yes, that’s what I said. Jiu Jitsu. I’m a person who likes to try everything until she finds what she likes. You’re lucky I don’t only work for
who I like, or you’d be fetching your own lunch.
Amy
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: E. Lancaster
Subject: Assistant
Tuesday, March 8th, 1:47 p.m.
I would like to exchange my current assistant, I don’t think we can keep her around until June 10th. Do you monitor her emails? She’s extremely unprofessional. I’m willing to pay extra if you remove me from her roster today.
Thank you,
J. Spearman CEO
* * *
From: E. Lancaster
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Re: Assistant
Wednesday, March 9th, 7:00 a.m.
Dear Mr. Spearman,
We monitor emails, calls, and chat rooms for quality and training purposes. I appreciate you reaching out to me. We pride ourselves in servicing our customers with the best assistants. I’ve never had a complaint about any of them. Miss Walker is one of our best, as well as most experienced employees.
Attached is the contract your company signed with us. I want you to read through it, please. If you decide to discontinue our services, you’re still liable for the three months of service regardless—because of your case. I understand from your application that it’s difficult for you to trust other people, including your employees. (see attachment).
Miss Walker is trying to do her job as best as she can, but if you prefer to suspend her services, I’ll be happy to send you your final bill. We don’t have another assistant who can handle someone with your description. Again, see attached emails. Your company signed an agreement that excludes switching assistants, and for the service to be paid in full despite early termination of the contract.
Thank you for using our services,
E. Lancaster, CEO
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Moving forward
Wednesday, March 9th, 7:49 a.m.
I am stuck with you. Please understand that I need you to be more professional.
Regards,
J. Spearman
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Professional
Wednesday, March 9th, 7:49 a.m.
I’m 100% professional, Mr. Spearman. You’re the tattle-tale who went and spoke to my boss. Next time you have a complaint, you should send me the draft so I can fix it. Because it’s clear that you can’t present a good case. You gave up too quickly.
Do you know what this means?
If we were keeping score, I’m winning 4 to nothing. But we’re not.
Amy
P. S. Today’s lunch is ramen soup. I’m attaching the picture and ingredients (so you know what I’m talking about)
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: VAES Contract
Wednesday, March 9th, 11:59 a.m.
Do you know why I don’t terminate the contract?
Because I want you to quit. It’s a challenge, let’s see who wins. Please, make sure you have enough copies of the attached document for my five o’clock meeting.
J. Spearman
P. S. I know what a ramen soup is!
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Copies and my resignation.
Wednesday, March 9th, 4:39 p.m.
The copies are in the conference room. I hope you find the catering to your liking. You can expect my resignation, when you start acting civilized. Should I call you a therapist? I can gather your family and organize an intervention … I feel like you have a lot of unresolved issues and that’s why you’re so angry with the world—and your employees.
Not to worry, I’m making it my mission to turn things around. Please tell Dear Amy what’s bothering you.
Regards,
Amy
P. S. Maybe you just need a simple dose of anger management.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Anger management and toys
Thursday, March 10th, 7:56 a.m.
Leave my family out of this mess. I can’t believe you sent a box of gadgets for anxiety and anger management to my office. A manual on how to deal with my inner-ogre? I didn’t believe it was a real book until I googled it. Where do you get this shit?
I’m not paying for any of it, and I already emailed your superior regarding the prank. What’s the return address? I’m sending it all back.
J. Spearman
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Returns
Thursday, March 10th, 8:01 a.m.
The box comes courtesy of VAES. I think of it as a little help for the entire company— maybe even the world. Please, take your time to read the material I sent you. It’s recognized by the best therapists around the globe. Ignore chapter seven. We already established you don’t have issues with your mother—at least you assured me you didn’t.
I’m just trying to create a better work environment for the two of us. If you need any further assistance, there’s a list of anger management workshops attached to this email. Have a wonderful day.
Amy
P. S. For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Fortune cookies
Thursday, March 10th, 11:37 a.m.
We didn’t hire you to hand out fortune cookie quotes. Please, keep our environment professional—and my ass out of conversations. Could you please tell your messenger that my name is not, man? Did he seriously just drop off a bottle of CBD?
I can’t believe you’re sending me drugs.
J. Spearman
P. S. Get high on Life, not Drugs.
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Returns
Thursday, March 10th, 4:22 p.m.
Dear CEO of one of the top 500 companies in America,
Did you read the bottle that my messenger sent you or you just glanced at the word CBD and decided I’m your dealer?
And … did you get those quotes from old anti-drug posters?
The CBD is made out of hemp and doesn’t have any psychotropics. It only helps with your mood—you need lots of help.
Have you ever been fired as a client? Because I’m so close to just dropping your negative energy right about now. I’m waiting for a heartfelt apology. Or at least some kind of apology, because, rumor has it, you don’t have a heart.
Amy
P. S. Anger is one letter short of danger.
–anonymous.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Apologies
Friday, March 11th, 5:23 a.m.
I have a heart, I don’t waste it on people who don’t deserve it.
J. Spearman
Sent from my phone
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Fuzzy and warm
Friday, March 11th, 7:02 a.m.
I feel so fuzzy and warm inside. You woke up early just to answer my email… and you created a quote of your own. So proud of you, Mr. Spearman. There wasn’t an apology included, but that’s okay, I’ll give you a break because it’s Friday and apparently you went through some soul-searching journey where you came up with that nice quote for me.
Enjoy this magical Friday!
Amy
P. S. Writing the word apology on the subject line doesn’t make it one.
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Copies
Tuesday, March 15th, 7:59 a.m.
The courier just delivered the documents you need t
o sign to the receptionist. Please return them as soon as possible, so we can overnight them.
I’m glad to know you can finally get your own glass with ice. I knew it wouldn’t be too hard. I won’t celebrate yet, since it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. Yours are dreadfully infuriating. That reminds me, your receptionist mentioned you’ve been sneezing and looking pale. I made a doctor’s appointment for 10:30 a.m. I also rescheduled your appointments for next week. Nothing is urgent. I’ll take care of the rest.
Remember, you’re responsible for an entire company. If you ignore your health, you’ll be lowering your performance and others might get sick too.
Contact me if you need me.
Amy.
P. S. Make today the best one yet.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: More important things to do
Tuesday, March 15th, 8:17 a.m.
I don’t know how you found my doctor’s name and number, but I feel like you’ve infringed the contract in some way. If that’s the case, my lawyer will find a way to sue you personally. Not the company you work for. Move my schedule back to the way it was.
J. Spearman
P. S. Your P. S. sounds more like BS
* * *
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Sick days are real.
Tuesday, March 15th, 8:26 a.m.
Maybe you don’t care about your employees, but I do about mine. My courier reported back to me and said you look like hell. His words. I asked him to take extra vitamin C and Echinacea. If he gets sick, I’m charging your company for his medical expenses and the days I have to hire a temp. I’ll be the one suing you, personally. He has a family that will get sick too, because of you.
Carla gave me the number of your primary physician and your dentist in case of an emergency—part of the information she had to fill out for you. See attachment.
You have to go to the doctor.
Amy.
P. S. Quotes aren’t BS. You need more inspiration in your life.
* * *
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: Tasks
Tuesday, March 15th, 11:17 a.m.
Maybe Later Page 2