by Eden Beck
Dana isn’t in the room when I get there, so I just grab my towel and a change of clothes and I head out in search of something she mentioned a while back when I first got here. Aside from the regular showers, there’s supposed to be a mineral bath on campus … kind of like the old Turkish baths they have in movies.
If there is one thing I could use right now, it’s a good soak.
I’m relieved to find that there’s no one in the bath when I get to it. There are two doors clearly marked, male and female. Separate baths. I wonder why, until I step into the female changing room and see a sign that reads ‘no clothing beyond this point’. Oh. It’s a nude bath. So much for the swimsuit. I leave my clothes in the changing room and take only my towel in with me. I’m not quite a prude, but I’m also not the type to go prancing around in my birthday suit when I can help it.
It’s deliciously quiet and peaceful in here. Even though the water smells funny, from the minerals I’m sure, it’s the perfect temperature for the soreness and pain to start seeping from me. I relax in the steaming waters and force myself to let all of my worries go. For the time that I am here, I do not allow myself to think of any of the people I am so concerned about; the ones who are bullying me, taunting me, teasing me, driving me slowly out of my mind. None of them are in the bath with me, and none of them are allowed in my head while I’m here.
I need this. To focus on me, for a change. I’ve been so focused elsewhere.
I wish I could stay longer, but I do still have one last evening of detention to deal with.
The mineral baths must be magic, I’ve decided, because I haven’t felt this relaxed since the day I walked into this school in my too-big, shabby black dress. It’s like I can breathe again, and for the first time, I actually feel like everything is going to be okay.
I rise from the water and walk into the changing room with my towel wrapped around me, only to immediately stop short. My clothes are gone. I look around, wondering if someone just came in to tidy things up and might have put them in another locker, but they’re all empty. I even go so far as to check the bathroom stalls ... only to find nothing.
That’s it, my clothes really are gone. I am standing there in nothing but a towel, and I realize that I’ve been had again. I’m starting to think that they must have followed me, but then … they could always have one of their many cronies do that for them. It doesn’t matter. Either way, it’s where I am now. I’m just glad I still have the towel.
It could always be worse.
Isn’t that what I said about my old life? I thought this new one would be different.
Anger flushes through me, washing away all of the temporary zen happiness I found. I tighten the towel around me and yank the door open, stepping into the hall. No one is there. Of course not; they’re never there. They torture me and then disappear. It’s one of their favorite games. It’s like whack a mole, except somehow I’m the mole and they’re the mallet.
I hurry through the hall and hope to get to my room and change before I’m late to detention. The last thing I need is to be found running around wearing nothing but a towel in front of the rest of the school.
I come around the corner and I know that I’m going to have to head up the main lawn to get to the dorms, but I’m desperately hoping that if I hurry, maybe I’ll be lucky and only a couple of people might be around. Or no one. That’s possible too, though not probable.
Somehow, I get all the way to the dorms without being spotted by anyone important. I catch a few younger students making out behind a couple of trees, but there’s an unspoken agreement between all of us to never tell. I’ve almost forgiven the boys, writing this off as one of the less harmful of their pranks, when I throw open a door into a back stairwell and come face to face with all three of them. They’re all standing on the stairs, watching me, waiting for me.
The holy trinity, and all of their entourage, except for Victoria and her two wing ladies. I don’t have time to wonder if they’re too hungover to join, or just weren’t invited—because I’m discovering that this was only the very beginning of the prank.
Everyone laughs and starts pulling out their cell phones the minute I step inside, but they aren’t filming me. I draw the towel closer to my body as my eyes follow to where they’re all looking. When I see it, my jaw falls slack.
I’ve found my missing clothes.
And it’s worse than I imagined.
There, pinned to the wall, is my bra. The word ‘whore’ is written boldly above it, and underneath it are five photographs; 8x10 glossy prints of me in a blue dress, laying on a sofa underneath Blair. In some of them his hand covers my breast and in others it’s disappeared between my thighs. It doesn’t matter that nothing really happened, because these photos make it look like we’re going all the way.
I scream.
I have never been so horrified in all my life.
“Nice work, Wills,” Astor tells him loudly, giving him a high five. “You should be a photographer.”
“Should be? I’d say I already am. I think those came out pretty well.” Wills laughs coolly, and I turn to face them bitterly.
“How could you?” I shout at them, but they all just laugh. It’s Blair that hurts me the most. He winks at me when he catches my eye, like this is all some funny joke. Another game for his ‘Bunny’.
I race halfway up to my room before I collapse in a corner of the stairs. I can still hear them several floors below, their voices and laughter melding together in a confusing cacophony of voices. This time, I’m unable to keep the tears from flowing. They sting at my eyes and spill over, staining my cheeks with wet streaks.
But I can’t stay here. I won’t stay here to be found out.
I don’t stop crying the whole way up to my room, or through getting changed, or even running back down a different staircase. I try to focus my mind on where I need to be. I can’t think of what I just saw, because every time I do, I have to stop and press my face into my hands so no one passing sees my ugly tears.
I’m nearly to the classrooms when I spot Astor walking alone … and suddenly my emotions shift to indignant rage. I’m no longer hiding—I’m on the warpath. A streaky, snot-nosed and tear-stained warpath … but warpath all the same. Those bastards have gone too far this time.
It’s so rare to see Astor alone, I can’t miss this opportunity. I’ve tried to be Sadie, and look what it’s gotten me. I’ve had it. I’m all Teddy now.
Within seconds I’m behind him. I grab his arm and dig my nails in it, dragging him around to face me.
I have a hundred things to say to him. I have a thousand swears to curse his name. None of them come to the surface. No words can undo what he’s done.
So instead, I use actions.
I’ve never known the devastating power of being on the giving end of a slap before. My hand stings and my shoulders heave, my eyes trained on Astor’s face pointed away from me. A redness springs to his cheek in the shape of an outstretched palm.
In the silence the follows, with his face still twisted away from me in shock, I finally find those words.
“What the hell is your problem, Astor Hawthorne? You are a bully and a spiteful, mean, horrible human being. Don’t you dare come around me again! Ever! I’ve had it with you! Go to hell and take all of your friends with you!”
Fuck their threats. I don’t need them. I’ve never needed anyone.
I spin on my heel to take off, angrier than I have ever been in my whole life. I only begin to realize that I almost said too much, when I feel a strong hand close around my arm, and before I can yank it free, I am hauled around and I’m looking up into Astor’s tormented face.
The redness has started to darken, and I know it’s going to leave a bruise.
Serves him right.
But then, I see something else in that face. He’s not gleeful and gloating. He’s miserable.
He closes his free hand on my other arm and I am locked in his grip. Without a word, he pulls me to
him and kisses me.
It’s a hard kiss, intense and powerful, and I’m so shocked that I go limp. He brings his hands to my face and holds me firmly as he parts my lips with his and kisses me even deeper. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t move.
A long minute later, Astor breaks the kiss and shoves me away from him. He gives me a cold, bitter stare, and then turns and takes off across the lawn, headed away from me like he’s the one running for his life.
Chapter 15
Even though I ended up making it to detention that night, Mr. Davis could tell something was terribly wrong and ended up letting me leave early. Blair, of course, did not show up. I doubt he ever intended to, or … like Astor … he was ever really expected to.
The holy trinity.
They should be called ‘the untouchable’.
I need a break from their games. I avoid them as much as possible during classes, and my trips between them become a complicated maze that keeps me from running into them. Eventually, even Blair starts giving me some space. His pestering is only fun so long as I show a reaction, and all I have left for him is stony silence.
It turns out I have quite the poker face too.
Dana and I are sitting at breakfast in the dining hall after a couple surprisingly uneventful weeks later when Victoria, followed of course by Alisha and Laura, comes sailing up to me and drops down in the chair at my side.
We haven’t spoken much lately. She, of course, claims she knew nothing about the last horrible prank … but I have my doubts. I really think the reason she hasn’t been hanging out much lately is because Astor hasn’t been anywhere near me in so long … I’m almost half starting to miss him.
Almost.
Dana’s eyes grow wide and her cheeks turn pink at the new addition, and I know she’s struggling with her unrequited love for the school queen. I’ve been working hard to repair my friendship with her. I tried to keep her from the drama that happened, but she of course found out. She forgave me for everything a lot quicker after that.
I ignore Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumber who are engrossed to fixing their lip liner and focus on Victoria, who is just a little too chipper for this hour of the morning.
“Okay. So,” Victoria starts, and I already know from the tone of her voice that something’s up. “If you’re done being a shut-in, I want you to come to the party this weekend.”
I glance over at Dana, but she’s just picking at her cereal like it’s suddenly made of maggots. The last time I went to a party with Victoria … things got a little complicated. Not to mention the incredible hangover I got the next day.
“I don’t know—”
“Stop,” she says. “Before you say something you’ll regret, I have to tell you. This is not a party you want to miss. I throw the absolute best Halloween parties. Anyone who’s anyone is going to be there.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” I say, my eyes flickering up to see if any of the boys decided to come down to breakfast today. I don’t see them, and I feel a slight twinge … but I don’t know if it’s relief or disappointment.
“Oh please,” Victoria says, “Don’t let them spoil all your fun.”
I still don’t know. The last time I went to a party with her it didn’t turn out well, but to be honest, that wasn’t her fault. She might be shallow and a little pushy, but she’s never been the one actually bullying me. Not like the others.
That last party left me with regrets that will last the rest of my high school career and probably beyond. It’s still painful to remember the photos Blair had of us taken together. It’s an intimate moment tarnished forever. I trusted him. Just for a moment. I can’t make that mistake again.
I’m about to just tell her no and effectively kill my social career here, when I catch Dana’s eye on accident. I hurts to see such a look of longing there when there’s nothing I can do about it.
Or, actually, maybe there is.
I might not want to go to that party, but that’s just me being selfish. If Victoria wants me there that bad … well then … we’re just going to have to compromise.
“Fine,” I say. I’m about to tell her my terms, but she overwhelms us all with a delighted squeal.
“Yes!” She claps her hands together and immediately starts gushing all the details. I have to close my eyes for a moment, trying to block out the sunshine overkill. I take a deep breath and look at her again.
She’s oblivious to her annoying hyper-happy buzz effect on everyone else. She just keeps rambling on about the ‘Classic Hollywood’ theme until I finally have to basically shout over her to be heard.
“Fine,” I say again, “I’ll come … but on one condition.”
“Anything!”
I reach across the table and grab Dana by the arm. “She’s coming with me.”
Victoria blinks and notices for the first time that I am not sitting alone. She only half-glances at Dana before turning her face away and looking back at me. Dana is just stuck in a state of wordless, mouth-moving-but-no-sound-is-coming-out shock.
“When I said anything I meant, well …” she trails off and rolls her eyes. I grit my teeth and kind of wish that I could smack her just then, but I remind myself that I’m doing this for Dana.
“It’s both of us, or none of us,” I say.
For a second, I think she’s actually going to say no. But then she just sighs and gets halfway to her feet.
“See you on Saturday, losers.” She takes off with Laura and Alisha tailing her like birds in flight.
I turn to look at Dana. “Are you okay?” She’s beginning to breathe normally again.
She shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so. I mean … she’s the love of my life and she doesn’t know I exist … and now I’m going to her party.”
Her breath grows rapid and staggered again, and I have to pat her a couple times to try and get her to calm down.
“She’s just a person,” I remind her. “A person who is going to seriously judge us if we don’t get our costumes right. Any ideas?”
I’m hoping the shift in subject will keep her from having a full-blown panic attack. Where many of my other plans haven’t worked, thankfully, this one does. Her eyes immediately light up and she starts pulling up pictures of old famous movies stars while he head to our first class. Still, I really hope I don’t end up regretting getting her an invitation.
After class, I’m called in to Dr. Baxter’s office. It’s unexpected, and my stomach tightens as I begin to wonder what’s going on. It occurs to me that Astor might still be punishing me, and he might have fessed up and actually told Dr. Baxter the truth about what happened at the lighthouse. I should have known he’d find a way to get back at me even though I’m ignoring him. Up until that kiss … he’d really been bent on making my life a weird, twisted, hell.
I still can’t believe he did that. It was so unexpected, so out of character. So … opposite of the boy who’d just effectively humiliated me in front of the entire school. I still get looks occasionally, especially from the boys, and I know from the looks on their faces exactly what they’re thinking.
I can’t make heads or tails of him, and even though I’ve tried to stay away from him it’s driving me up a wall.
I can’t think of any other reason I might be called to Dr. Baxter’s office, so it has to be the lighthouse. I steel myself, trying to prepare for what’s about to come. Astor is sure to have told him the truth, so my only hope is that enough time has passed that the principal has cooled off a little, and whatever punishment he has in store for me is going to be less severe.
Ms. Mason sits me down outside of Dr. Baxter’s office and keeps a side eye on me while I wait. I know her well enough by now to know that she never misses a beat. That woman knows just about everything that’s going on in the school, and almost nothing gets past her. I feel bad for ruining her things. It was an accident, but there’s no way to apologize without admitting my guilt.
And I’m not quite ready to do that yet.
It’s just over a five minute wait, which of course in my seat feels like an hour and a half. I’m so nervous when I go in to see him that I trip over my own feet and I have to catch myself on a chair before I fall to the floor. He gives me a wry look.
“Ms. White. Thank you for coming in. Please, take a seat.” He offers one of the two leather bound chairs before his desk. I take one and sit in it, as instructed.
“Do you happen to know why I’ve called you in here?” he asks, leaving it in my lap.
Ha. I know this trick. He’s hoping I’ll just confess under the pressure, but this isn’t my first rodeo. I keep a slightly confused look on my face and shake my head.
“You’re here in my office today,” he says evenly, leaning forward and opening a file before me. It’s a thick file, and thick files are rarely good things. He continues, “because your grades have taken a serious dive, and you need to find a way to bring them back up before you flunk out of class.”
He indicates the pages he’s flipped to and I sit forward in the chair and look down at them. The letters I’m looking at stun me. They’re the lowest grades I’ve ever gotten. I may have had a crappy home life, if you could even call it that, but my grades have always been good. Or, at least, as good as can be expected. Sadie might have struggled like this all the time, but this is new territory for me.
I’ve been working on getting my grades up, but it turns out those first few weeks did a lot more damage than I thought. Math, French, English Lit, even sailing … I’m doing fine. But my biology and history scores are abysmal, even after all the work I’ve been putting in.
Dr. Baxter is watching me. He wants to see my reaction before he drops the next bomb on me.
“Miss White, you have a mid-term coming up the first Monday of November. If you fail it, there’s no possibility for you to pass these classes. I need you to fully understand the gravity of the situation.”