Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE DOCTOR

  For many days they had now travelled without meeting with any adventure,when one evening they saw coming towards them a bright young lad, whowas leading by the hand an exceedingly learned-looking old gentleman.Their appearance was such as to arouse the King's curiosity to such adegree that he asked the boy the time as he was passing, and then, whenall stood still in the road, he led the talk from one thing to anotheruntil at last, emboldened by their friendliness, the King came to thepoint, and asked the lad who he was and whence he had come.

  The two strangers then sat down at the side of the road, and the ladthus addressed the King:--

  'You may not believe it, but I am the original Ptolemy Jenkinson, theonly and well-beloved nephew of that great and celebrated doctor,Ebenezer Scrout, whom you now see at my side. When, a trembling orphan,I was thrown upon an unfeeling world, he alone of my numerous uncles,aunts, so-called friends and guardians, undertook to find me acomfortable and even luxurious home, and so to educate me that I mightprove worthy of occupying the exalted position for which I am destined.

  'Uncle Ebenezer was my mother's brother and, a true Scrout, he inheritedall his good qualities from my grandfather, Phelim Scrout, thewell-known turfcutter, from whom, by the way, I inherit most ofmine--but of these it does not become me to speak.

  'Many people, jealous perhaps of his great fame, have ridiculed myuncle's claim to be a member of this ancient family, but to set thismatter for ever at rest, I have here copied a few notes from theScroutean genealogical tree, preserved in the archives of the family.'Ptolemy Jenkinson here took from his pocket and handed to Bill a sheetof paper upon which the following notes were written in a clear boldhand:--

  MISTS OF THE PAST

  PHELIM SCROUT = MOLLY? (The well-known turfcutter) | | ---------------------------------- | | TOD SCROUT = MANDY M'GUIRE PEARL (died of | megrims at an | early age) | ------------------------------------------------------ | | | | | | LU EBENEZER MANDY CASSANDRA = WAT LIL TOM JENKINSON | PTOLEMY

  When these had been examined by the company, Ptolemy resumed his tale:--

  'Uncle Eb, as I very soon learned to call him, was ever the victim ofhis own generous heart. Continually adopting people, both old and young,he was doomed to be taken advantage of by those to whom he was mostkind. How well can I remember, amongst many another ungrateful adoptedson, uncle, aunt or cousin, young Sigurd, the birthday-monger, whoentered the family about the same time as myself. It was he who secretlywrote his name on each page of Uncle Eb's birthday-book and received apresent every day from the absent-minded old gentleman until he wasdiscovered writing his name twice on some pages and was straightwaydisadopted.

  FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS]

  'Not alone to his own family circle was the doctor's kindnessconfined; it extended to all with whom he came in contact. Beforesending in his bills he always provided his patients with enough moneyto pay them, and promptly returned the cash with the receipts, deductingonly one penny for the stamp in each case.

  'Invariably most sympathetic with his suffering patients, he spent manyyears of his noble life in studying how to make his medicines aspleasant and sweet to the taste as the most delightful confections everplaced upon the Lord Mayor's table, while his greatest endeavour wasalways to make a period of sickness one also of pleasurable relaxationfor his patients.

  'In time the children went mad with excitement, and jumped for very joyon learning that they had contracted measles, and would far sooner, anyday, have the mumps than a birthday every week. And oh! what thrills ofjoy would pass through their little frames on learning that they wouldhave to lie up for a bilious attack and be attended by the good-naturedDoctor Ebenezer Scrout, and treated with his delicious jalaps andpowders.

  'Unfortunately, however, so pleasant was the treatment, that thechildren in time were even tempted to make themselves ill on purpose, byeating as many jam puffs as they could buy with their Saturday monies,and soon nearly every child was down with a bad bilious attack, and allthe schools had to be closed.

  'Even the grown-ups began to indulge in these jam puffs, buying them inlarge quantities and falling ill one by one, much preferring to betucked up snugly in bed with a comfortable bilious attack and thegood-natured doctor in attendance, to ordinary good health and hardwork, with the many disappointments and trials of everyday life.

  'First the Lord Mayor was taken bad--then the leader of the town bandand all his bandsmen. Now the shopmen began to feel queer, and one byone the aldermen toddled to their beds. In time everybody was laid up,and no one was left to do the work of the town. All the shops, theatres,markets, and railway stations were closed, and the streets quitedeserted except for the doctor and the puff baker, each trying to undothe work of the other.

  'Hardly a sound could be heard in the streets except perhaps the clinkof a spoon against a bottle from a room above, as some patient preparedhis evening dose, or the shuffling footsteps of the old doctor as hewent his daily round, and sometimes the loud rat-tat of the puff bakerwould awaken the echoes of the lonely streets as he called from door todoor for orders in the morning.

  'Strange grasses and sweet-scented wild flowers began to grow in thestreets, and mushrooms and straggling carrots forced a way between thecrevices of the pavements. Sprays of wild spinach hung from thelamp-posts, and the market-place became one waving jungle of broccoli.The very sparrows, deprived of their daily crumbs, grew thin and nervywith the green diet they were compelled to subsist upon. Croaking andgriding, instead of chirruping musically to their young as is theirwont, they so affected the good-hearted doctor that he could never passthem without some cheering word, and never could he withstand thebeseeching look in their eyes. Within doors the prospect was hardly moreencouraging. Strong vegetable-marrows twined their branches and theirmany tendrils round the table legs and the chairs; great turnipsstoutened and burst upon the stairs; spring onions bristled in thecorners of the Lord Mayor's dining-hall, while his grand piano wascompletely hidden in the gorgeous festoons of mint that, unchecked, hadrun a ragged riot about the place.

  THE PUFF BAKER]

  'At last, after two months of sickness, and despite every attention andkindness on the part of the doctor, the patients began to weary of beingill and kept to their beds for so long. The Lord Mayor was the first toarise and, although very weak in the legs, he managed to crawl to thetop of the stairs, and looking down, beheld, to his dismay, the dreadfulstate of ruin in which everything was involved. He called for hisservants as loudly as his weakness would allow him, and, obtaining noreply, he scrambled down the stairs on his hands and knees, andclamoured shrilly for a cut from the joint. As, of course, there was noone to procure this for him nor, indeed, any joint from which toprocure a cut, he boiled himself an egg, and was able to survey thescene more calmly.

  TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS]

  'Presently the aldermen crawled down one by one, then the shopmen, thenthe bandsmen, and, finally, the rest of the inhabitants, disturbed bythe weeping and yells of those already arisen, struggled downstairs, andin agony beheld the general devastation.

  'Resolved not to touch another drop of the doctor's medicine, theysatisfied the cravings of their hunger, which now began to be felt, onthe wild marrows, turnips, and mushrooms that everywhere abounded, andby degrees regained a little of their former vigour.

  The Lord Mayor held a long council]

  'The Lord Mayor and aldermen, already feeling a little more comfortable,held a long council, at which it was decided that it would be lessexpensive to burn the old town, and to build a new one on its site, thanto try and clear up the old one. It was also dec
ided to arrest theunfortunate doctor, whom they all now joined in accusing as the cause oftheir trouble, and bring him to trial.

  AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE]

  'In the course of time the town was rebuilt, and the doctor was thefirst prisoner to stand on his trial at the new Town Hall.

  'On the appointed day the Hall was crammed to its utmost, as at one timethe prisoner had been much loved and looked up to by hisfellow-townsmen.

  'When the Lord Mayor arrived in state, between two Admirals of theFleet, and took his seat, the foreman of the jury awakened hisbrother-jurors, who had been dozing off, and called for three cheers forthe Lord Mayor, in which everybody joined. The Lord Mayor made no reply,except to frown severely at the foreman, and proceeded at once with thebusiness in hand. "Lock all the doors and bring in the prisoner," criedhe in a loud voice, after clearing his throat. The doors were instantlylocked, but some confusion arose when it was discovered that they couldnot bring in the prisoner unless one were unlocked again. On this beingvery politely pointed out to the Lord Mayor (who did not seem quite tolike being corrected), he altered his order, and cried out: "Bring inthe prisoner, and lock all the doors." Immediately the band struck upthe most martial music and the prisoner was brought in, tied tightlywith twine, sealed with red sealing-wax, and guarded by a squad ofinfantry, who at once formed fours, and marked time for the rest of theafternoon.

  'When the music had ceased, and the general excitement caused by theentrance of the prisoner had subsided, the Lord Mayor politely requestedhim to take a seat, which he very gladly did, on being untied by thepoliceman.

  'Now, as every one knew that the doctor had really been the cause of allthe trouble, the only point to be decided at the trial was whether hehad done it intentionally or not, and the Lord Mayor addressed himaccordingly, asking him if he had anything to say upon the subject. Thedoctor happened to be thinking of something else at the moment and,moreover, had his head turned in another direction, watching a fly onthe window of the hall, so that he did not hear the question. The LordMayor waited about a quarter of an hour for an answer, and receivingnone, he called, in an annoyed tone, for the witnesses for theprosecution.

  THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN]

  'The principal witness for the prosecution was a Sicilian char-woman,whose evidence was translated by one of the many aldermen present toassist in case of need. It appeared that in her young days she had madethe acquaintance of a young and handsome Sicilian waiter, a distantcousin, and a native of the village in which she was born. So friendlydid they become in time that he had confided to her many of the secretsof his life, and, amongst others, one that had weighed very heavily uponhis mind. Some time previously, when employed at a well-knownrefreshment hall, on the coast of Lombardy, he had waited upon adistinguished young gentleman of considerable means, and had overheardhim whisper to a chance acquaintance, seated at the next table, that afriend of his, a tall dark man, had met a young lady at a whist-party,whose greatest friend had an aunt, formerly engaged to a well-meaningcurate, who averred that his brother knew for certain that IT WAS DONEQUITE INTENTIONALLY BY ---- Here the waiter was called away to anotherclient, and did not hear the rest of the sentence.

  'Now the Sicilian char-woman, on hearing this from her good friend, wasmuch puzzled, and not knowing to whom the words might refer, made amental note of it at the time. On reading of the arrest of the doctor,however, and of what he was accused, she concluded that there must besome connection between him and the man mentioned by the brother of thewell-meaning curate formerly engaged to the aunt of the greatest friendof the young lady who was met at the whist party by the tall dark friendof the young gentleman of considerable means who, as you know, waswaited upon by the Sicilian waiter at the well-known refreshment hall inLombardy, so she had hastened from Sicily to tell her tale. At theconclusion of her evidence a murmur of admiration was heard all over thecourt, and the Lord Mayor was so charmed with her and the reallypleasant way in which she had told her tale, that he lightly threw ahalf-crown to her across the hall, which she very neatly caught. Shethen sat down, amidst the cheers of the crowd.

  'The principal witness for the defence was a young journeyman tailor,who stated that on cleaning out the pockets of an old coat which hadbeen left at his house for repairs by a dark gentleman of mysteriousappearance, he had discovered an old envelope upon which he could justtrace the figures 56--6.30 A.M. The coat was never called for, and thetailor pondered over the envelope, but could make nothing of it. Heshowed it to every policeman of his acquaintance, but not one couldunravel the mystery, and, as a last resource, he procured anintroduction to the principal policeman in the British Museum Library.This great man examined the envelope very carefully, but with no result,and the only advice he could give him was to call at every housenumbered 56 at 6.30 in the morning and see what would happen.

  'The tailor followed this advice diligently for some time and met withmany rebuffs, as he had nothing to say on the door being opened to him.At length one morning he came to an empty house numbered 56, the stepsof which were littered with straw. Gazing hopelessly at this for sometime, he noticed that three pieces pointed distinctly in one directionto the corner of the street, and you may well imagine his surprise when,on following the direction indicated by the straw, he came across thispostcard.'

  Ptolemy Jenkinson here handed this torn postcard to the company.

  POSTCARD]

  Ptolemy again proceeded with his story:--

  'Now the tailor, more puzzled than ever, took the card home, and, afterweeks of deep thinking, decided that the card must have been completedthus.'

  Ptolemy here handed the remaining portion of card, with the tailor'ssuggested completion, to the company.

  'You may guess the surprise of every one present when the tailorproduced the completed card. The Lord Mayor gazed at it in astonishment.He turned it over and over, and suddenly noticing that there was aforeign stamp on the other side, he became more excited than ever, andasked if he might tear it off, as his son had rather a good collection.This the tailor readily allowed him to do, and this put the Lord Mayorin a good temper for the rest of the afternoon, and gave a more cheerfulaspect to the case altogether.

  POSTCARD]

  'After the tailor's evidence, which, of course, proved that the doctorhad not intended to bring about the harm of which he had been theunfortunate cause, there was nothing for the Lord Mayor to do but toacquit the prisoner, which he did, much to everybody's relief.

  'The Lord Mayor then retired, after ordering a new suit of clothes fromthe journeyman tailor, and inviting the Sicilian charwoman and the otherwitnesses to progressive whist and to be introduced to his family.

  'So, Gentlemen,' said Ptolemy in conclusion, 'my uncle and myself arequite free at last, and entirely at your service.'

  Such a valuable offer could not very well be refused, so, afterexplaining the object of the expedition to their new friends, the wholeforce moved joyfully on.

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  THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMANAND THE BOY SCOUT]

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