by Callie Vegas
“Fuck off, Katie.” I know it’s her without even opening my eyes.
She laughs. “Come on, Joss, we’ve a tight schedule to stick to today. We can’t be late.”
“All brides are late to their own wedding.” With a deep and heartfelt groan, I turn over in the bed and bury my face under my pillow.
The pillow is lifted from my head and the sunlight from the window shines onto me. The last time that happened I was in bed with… I can’t think about that night—every time I do I’m riddled with guilt. To be honest, I don’t know how I’m going to walk down the aisle today. I don’t even know if I want to get married to Jeremy when all I can think about is that one night with a stranger. Yet his body will never be a stranger to me, I would recognise it anywhere. He awoke things in me I didn’t know I needed. That I didn’t know I wanted. Now I’m not sure Jeremy can give them to me. Before that night I wanted Jeremy to be the one. I wanted him to be romantic and take me for the first time on our wedding night.
Now I’m not so sure what I want.
“Joss please,” I hear Katie plead. “I’ll get reinforcements if necessary.” I know she means Ash, and I don’t need her jumping on my bed this morning.
Opening my eyes, I sit up slowly. “I’m awake, I’m awake.”
Katie sits down on the bed. “You don’t look very happy. Maybe we shouldn’t have said all those things at your bachelorette party, maybe we shouldn’t have encouraged you to go wild. That night has changed you, Joss.”
“I know. That night, I didn’t want to admit Ash was right. But, now I can’t get him out of my head. I think of him when I go to sleep. He’s my first thought when I wake up. It feels like I can’t breathe knowing I won’t ever see him again.” My heart squeezes and I start to cry as I shudder my way through my next sentence. “But I don’t feel like that about Jeremy.”
If I think about it too long then I won’t go through with it, but I can’t do that to Jeremy, it wouldn’t be fair.
Katie wraps her arms around me. “Joss, listen to me. It’s not too late to change your mind. It’s not too late to call it all off.”
“I can’t do that. My family’s here for the wedding and Jeremy’s, we can’t cancel.”
“That’s not the right answer, babe. You should have said, I can’t cancel because I love Jeremy and want to be with him.” She shakes her head and looks at me sadly.
I take a deep breath. “I’m marrying Jeremy today. He loves me and I love him in my own way. I’ve made my bed and I’ll have to lie in it. Hopefully after tonight, Jeremy will fuck me so hard I won’t remember Paul.”
“I hope to god he does.” Katie mutters under her breath, but not quiet enough, I still hear her. She gets up from the bed. “Come on let’s get you showered and then the make-up lady is coming followed by the hairdresser.”
With a deep groan, I climb out of bed, stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. I always see a short, fat woman staring at me, but Paul didn’t make me feel like that. He made me feel that those things were beautiful about me. I need to stop thinking of him or I’m going to be miserable for ever.
Walking into the bathroom I smile. “Let’s get married. It’s going to be a beautiful day, a beautiful ceremony. And tonight, when I am Mrs. Wilson it’s going to be a beautiful night.”
I shower all my thoughts away, including my doubts that a marriage to Jeremy is going to be anything but amazing. When I come out Marie, the make-up artist is here. She hands me a take-away coffee she’s picked up on the way over and then starts to work on my face. I take a few sips, savouring the sweet, hot liquid as it glides down my throat. Just what I needed to kick start the day.
Watching myself being transformed into a beautiful woman is amazing. I see my lines; blemishes, spots and imperfections, magically brushed away.
I would love to be able to do that with my life.
I look in the mirror when she is finished and I see a different woman staring out at me. She looks strong, determined and oddly nothing like the person that I look at every day.
“Oh my god Marie, you’ve done an amazing job. I look beautiful.”
“You sure do, Sugar. Jeremy is going to be so proud to call you his wife when he sees you.” She hugs me and then leaves me sitting at the dressing table looking in the mirror.
I wonder whether he will be proud of me, especially if he knew what I did ten, long, days ago. I have to stop thinking of my mystery stranger. I’m never going to see him again. I’m going to marry Jeremy and live happily ever after—right?
“Come on, Joss, snap out of it. You’re the saddest bride-to-be I’ve ever seen,” Katie grumbles at me.
“I’m sorry. I’m just feeling extremely guilty about that night.”
“Push it to the back of your mind, Joss. I know we encouraged you, but it’s over and you need to think about Jeremy and what you want for the rest of your life. If it doesn’t feel right, then now is the time to walk away. Not after the service, but now.”
“I’m tempted to run away as far as I can and hide from everyone, but I know Jeremy would be devastated. I can’t do that to him.” I stand up. “Get me my dress, I’m getting married in an hour.” I walk over to the bed and grab up my lingerie. Sliding it on under my robe ready for my dress.
Katie starts to laugh. “Joss, you need your hair doing first. You’re not going to sit here with your dress on.”
“Oh yeah. Shit, I’m all over the place today.” I walk back over to the mirror and sit down. There’s a knock at the door and my heart starts banging, what if it’s Jeremy and he’s found out about Paul? What if he’s changed his mind?
Katie leans down and whispers in my ear, “Stop overthinking. It’s Helen, the hairdresser.”
I relax a bit. What would I do if it was Jeremy and he wanted to stop the wedding? Would I be upset? A bit. I’d be hurt, but then I’d get over it I suppose.
Helen comes in and gives me a quick hug. We met a couple of times to practice hairstyles. She’s lovely and knows what she’s talking about. “Now, let’s style this beautiful, blonde hair.” She gives me an up-style, with a few loose tendrils hanging down my face. I look gorgeous and I have tears in my eyes because I can’t believe that the woman I am looking at is really me.
The hair’s taken an hour and Helen gets ready to leave us to it. “Your fiancé is a lucky man,” she says. “You’re so beautiful and you just don’t see it yourself. That’s a good trait to have. Have a fantastic day and good luck!”
When she’s gone, Katie helps me to put on my dress and when I turn around she has tears in her eyes. “You look so beautiful, Joss. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, Katie. Mind out of the way so I can look in the mirror.” Moving past her I stand in front of the full-length mirror with my mouth open. “Wow is that really me?” I ask. From within the reflection, is a beautiful, sexy woman staring back at me.
Katie laughs. “Yes babe, it’s you. Jeremy is so lucky, and I hope he gives you what you desperately need tonight.”
I laugh as well. I feel so sexually frustrated since my forbidden encounter, that it has meant the no sex before marriage thing with Jeremy has driven me insane. I wonder what he’s going to feel like. Will I compare him to Paul? No, I can’t do that because I already know that no-one will compare to him. I have to put him to the back of my mind if I want to make my marriage work, and I do want it to work.
“Are you ready?” Katie asks as she opens the door to the corridor. We stayed in the hotel where the ceremony’s being held, rather than leave from my small apartment. “Your audience awaits.”
A burst of a nervous chuckle lifts from my lips. “Lead the way,” I say.
When we get downstairs she holds my arm, leads me through the reception area and down to the specially blessed room that will make me Mrs. Josslyn Wilson.
There are some latecomers going into the room as we turn the corner, but then they close the doors I can’t hear the chatter any longer.
“S
o, is this really happening?” I ask Katie.
“It sure is. You’ve still got time to change your mind you know if you’re not one hundred percent about it. I’ll stand by you, whatever you decide.” She smiles at me and I know she means it.
Believe me I’ve thought about cancelling the wedding so many times in the last ten days, but I’ve been planning this for over eight months now. “No, let’s do this.” I put on a huge smile, albeit fake.
Katie’s walking me down the aisle. She’s taken me under her wing since my parents died. When I asked her to walk me down the aisle, she cried so much I thought I’d broken her.
She opens the door briefly to signal for the music to start begin. I chose You & I by John Legend. I’m no longer sure it’s the right song considering my feelings right now. The nerves kick in and I remind myself to breathe.
Katie opens the door and someone holds it for us to both walk in. “Come one, babe,” she says as she links my arm.
I’m so nervous, my heart races under the constraints of the white satin. The dress is suffocating me and it feels like the room is basking at one hundred degrees.
I look around the room, anywhere but at Jeremy. Our friends are all sat and smiling as I take the first couple of steps. I can hear muttering through the people, probably talking about my dress or how stupid I look.
“You’re beautiful Joss. I know what’s going on in your mind. Stop overthinking,” Katie whispers.
She really does know me.
My eyes finally settle on the end of the aisle. Jeremy is there in his light gray suit with the pale pink pocket square and cravat we chose together. He’s so good looking with his chiselled face and perfect skin. The small square of colour sets off his dark brown hair which is always pristine and never out of place like mine.
Smiling, he offers his hand as a homing beacon, so I know to keep walking towards him. Yes, this is right. This feels right.
Katie tightens her grip on my arm and then gasps sharply. Surprised I turn and find her focused on the altar. I follow her gaze. Then I start to feel faint, and sweat creeps along my skin, leaving damp rivers under my dress. I want to puke. Next to Jeremy is his best man. His best friend in the world, the guy I’ve never met because he’s been in the army for ten years and hasn’t been home on leave for at least six of those.
Jeremy’s told me he’s dying for me to meet him. He thinks we’ll get on like a house on fire.
He’s right, we will.
Standing next to Jeremy is the one person that’s changed my life. The one that I think about before I go to sleep. The man that I think about as soon as I wake up. And the man that I miss when he’s not with me. Paul.
3
Saul
NINE DAYS AGO
The moment Joss walks out of my apartment I know I want to go after her, but she doesn’t seem that happy, so I let her walk away. I’m hoping that she’ll ring me. I slap my hand against my forehead. Fuck why didn’t I take her number?
I jump into the shower to wash away the smell of sex. God I’ve never been as turned on by a woman in my life as I was last night. I just wanted more and more—I couldn’t get enough. Maybe she’ll ring me later on today when she’s had time to think about everything we’ve done and how good it feels. In the meantime, I’m hitting the gym. I need to work off the sexual frustration I know I’m going to get every time I think about her.
As I’m leaving the gym, I notice I have a missed call. Immediately I think about Joss and hope it’s her. It’s not though, it’s from Jez. Jez has been my best friend for years, since kindergarten actually. As neighbours growing up we played together every day. Through middle school and high school, I was a jock and Jeremy was always a geek. He was into computers and I always knew he’d make something of himself. I saw him every day until I enlisted, then I only saw him when I came home on leave.
The last time I was home was six years ago. It was like any other home visit. I rang him, he came over and we went out on the town. I was always desperate for some pussy and he liked being my wing man. This particular night was no different to any other except I didn’t pick up a woman. We ended up going back to his house, drinking some more and chatting. I suppose we were catching up on the last few years in one night. When I started yawning and wanted to go to bed, I noticed Jez was acting a bit strange, but then again, I was pissed.
“Right I’m off,” I say standing up from the couch. “I’ve got to see the family tomorrow for dinner and then I’m heading off again. I’ll see you when I get back, Jez.” He gets up as well, I assume to say goodbye. Who knows when will next see each other. I sway, unbalanced, and as I reach the door I fall into Jez, stood right behind me.
“Whoa.” He puts his hands on my arm to steady me.
“Sorry, we sank too many shots, buddy.”
“No problems, don’t worry about it. Um Saul?” He asks.
I turn around and before I can open my mouth to say another word he sticks his tongue in my mouth and starts trying to kiss me. I sober up instantly and push him away. “What the fuck Jez?”
“Sorry, I’ve just wanted to do that for so long Saul.” He looks at me with wide eyes and I know that whatever is going to come out his mouth is going to change our relationship. “I love you. I think about you all the time and I worry so much about you when you’re gone.”
“Jez, are you gay?” I ask, but I know the answer already.
“Yeah, I thought you knew that. I thought you would’ve guessed. You know me better than anyone else.” He wipes the sweat off his forehead.
“No, I didn’t know that. Not that it makes a difference. Don’t ever try it on with me again, Jez!” I turn and reach for the door.
“Don’t leave Saul, I’m sorry.” His voice begs. “Can we talk about it?”
“Look Jez, I’m drunk. You’re drunk too and you’ll regret it in the morning.”
“No, I won’t. I love you Saul.”
“I’m going. I can’t deal with this. We’re best friends, nothing more and we’ll never be anything more than that. I like women, no fuck that I love women. I’m sorry you feel that way about me, but it’s not reciprocated. I’ll ring you tomorrow before I leave,” I say as I open the door to leave. When I turn around to close the door behind me I find Jez looking like a broken man. I don’t stop to think about it anymore. He’s my friend and that’s all.
“Saul?” He shouts as I walk down his driveway.
“No, Jez. I’m going home. We both need to sober up.”
I walk home to try and get the image out of my head. I have nothing against gay men and a lot of my friends are gay, but I never expected my best friend to try and cross the line with me.
The next morning I’m no clearer on what to do. Do I just ignore what happened? Will I embarrass Jez if I talk about it? Before I have chance to think about it my phone rings, it’s Jez.
“Morning Saul. I’m sorry about last night. I was drunk and was out of line. Please don’t let it affect our friendship. We’ve been friends too long for this to get between us.”
“I’ve forgotten it already, but Jez…” I say.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t try that again.”
“I won’t,” he says, and I know that is going to be the end of it.
Within twenty-four hours I’m deployed, and we never speak of it again.
I didn’t go home for years though just in case he’d a few too many to drink. So I was really surprised in one of his letters to me. For a guy who likes computers he always enjoyed the old-fashioned letter writing. I was shocked when he mentioned getting married, but assumed him being gay must have been a phase. When he asked me to be best man, I knew I wouldn’t say no. He’s been my friend for so long that I was delighted to accept.
What Jez doesn’t know is that I’ve been back in the States for about six months. One of my army buddies opened a club, in Vegas, Silk Tie, and wanted someone to manage it for him. I took him up on the offer as I’d been medically discharged a
nd didn’t want to go home. Being in Vegas meant I could have the distance from my family but be able to get home quickly if they needed me.
I ring Jez back.
“Hey,” he says when he answers.
“Hi, everything okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to find out when you are coming home. Will you be able to make the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding? I know everyone is dying to meet you.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to let him down. Getting married is huge, and he’s been my friend for a long time. “I’m not sure, Jez. I’m working in Vegas right now and I know I’m on the night before the wedding. I’ve booked a really early flight, so will be with you in time for breakfast. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone.”
“That’s a shame I know Jo was really looking forward to meeting you. Guess you’ll meet her after she becomes my wife then.”
“Wow that’s some commitment Jez. How do you feel about it?”
“I love her. She’s pretty special. She’s one of those girls that you don’t need to worry about her straying.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well she’s not one of those really high maintenance kind of girls. She has her own style and doesn’t care if she’s not 100% polished. But when she needs to she can be really beautiful.”
“I’m confused Jez. That’s a fucking strange thing to say about the woman you love. Your future wife.” I’m not one to mince words, so I call him out on it. “Do you really love her or is it a marriage of convenience for you, Jez?”
“I love her, but you know the truth, Saul.” He goes quiet for a moment and I think he’s hung up.
“Jez are you still there?”
“Yeah. She, um, she doesn’t float my boat.”
“What the fuck Jez? Why are you marrying her?" I’m stunned. I can't believe he’d be this cruel to someone. “Is this so that you don’t have to come out of the closet? Does she know about you?”