He pulled the T-shirt over my head and threw it onto the floor. ‘God, you’re beautiful.’
There was awe in his eyes. For once I didn’t feel self-conscious about my small boobs, as if for a moment I could see myself the way he did. Up to this point I’d thought I was at his mercy, but the look on his face made me think we were equally powerless. I pushed him onto his back and pinned his hands above his head, and he let out a surprised noise.
‘Now who can’t be quiet?’ I said. His stomach muscles flinched under my touch and I loved that I could unlock his secrets so easily. In the dark, I could just see his eyes, the silhouette of his shoulders against the pristine sheets.
‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked.
I was never sure about anything when it came to Carter – but I was the one who’d come in here, wasn’t I? And I certainly didn’t want to leave. I kissed him again, hoping that was enough of an answer.
‘Do you want to?’ I asked.
He snorted. ‘I’ve been trying to get your clothes off since you turned up at the academy. If it’d been up to me, we would’ve done it at Regatta on the balcony of the pub.’
We’d never really talked about that night. We’d shed Henley like a chrysalis – the academy and everyone we’d known there. A memory of Verity’s white face suddenly hit me with such force that I winced.
‘I’m sorry about that night,’ he said softly. ‘Whenever I really want something, I sabotage myself and totally blow it. And I was so foxed I couldn’t see straight.’ His gaze skimmed over my body. ‘And I think … maybe it was all just too intense. I really liked you. You were leaving for Australia. I didn’t know what to do with it.’ He kissed me again, and I thought about his heated words in Paris: I’m not a machine. Blood surged through my body, and everything tingled. How did he do this to me? ‘You looked at me that night like you could see into my soul. I got scared.’
‘And what about now?’
He flipped me onto my back, the moment of contemplation gone. ‘I’m not foxed now,’ he said.
‘Are you scared now?’ I asked.
He smiled. ‘I’m absolutely terrified.’
CHAPTER 34
The room was bright with mid-morning sunshine when I woke to someone whacking the door so hard it was like they wanted to knock it down. ‘Carter? You in there?’ came Sam’s voice.
Carter lay back against the sheets and watched as I threw on my clothes. ‘Are you going to let him in, or shall I?’ he said. I glared at him, put my finger to my lips, and tossed his jeans to him.
‘Can I come in?’ Sam called.
‘Um, not yet,’ Carter replied, fastening his belt. He pulled me in to him. ‘Are you ready for this, Jimi?’ And then, without waiting for me to answer, he opened the door.
‘So Liliana is AWOL,’ Sam announced. ‘Doesn’t seem to have slept in her room.’ As the door peeled back and he saw me, his eyes grew wide. ‘Well, I’ll call off the search party then.’
Carter stood close to me, his arm hooked around my waist. ‘Now you know.’
‘Jesus.’ Sam zeroed in on Carter. ‘I can’t believe you would do this.’ I tried to explain, but he ignored me. ‘I didn’t think I’d have to tell you Liliana is off-limits.’ Carter shrugged. ‘To you, everyone’s off-limits.’
‘This isn’t about me! Nothing is sacred to you, is it?’
‘What’s that meant to mean?’
‘You think everything is a game.’
I hadn’t expected Sam to be so upset. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about Sam’s reaction at all. Or Amir’s, or Richie’s, or anyone else’s. What I’d been doing with Carter had been deliciously secret up to now.
‘Wait till I tell Tish about this,’ said Sam.
‘It’s not …’ I started, thrown by his anger. ‘We’re not really telling people …’
‘Oh, that’d really blow your cover, wouldn’t it?’ he snapped at me. ‘You can hardly be Addie Marmoset’s girlfriend if you’re shagging the guitarist.’
‘You know what?’ Carter said defiantly. ‘Tell her. Tell anyone. I don’t care.’ He pushed past Sam and went into the kitchen, calling out, ‘Is there any food left in this house? I’m starving.’
Sam surveyed the rumpled sheets and me standing in yesterday’s clothes. I rubbed the goosebumps rising on my arms. I wanted to follow Carter, to shrug it off like he had, but Sam was blocking the way to the door.
‘Look, I know you’re mad …’ I said.
He shifted like half of him wanted to bolt after Carter, too. ‘How long have you been lying to me?’
‘I didn’t lie to you.’
‘That’s exactly what you did. Both of you.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, and the apology hung in the air between us, fragile as a spider web. My legs were trembling and I sank onto Carter’s bed. ‘Technically, you don’t need to know. It’s between me and Carter.’
‘Well, as you are so fond of reminding us all, the band is made up of four people. And if you two are a couple … don’t you think Richie and I deserve to know?’
I started. The word ‘couple’ didn’t seem to describe what was between Carter and me. Putting a name on it made it real, like we had to face up to it whether we were ready or not.
‘You are taking this weirdly personally,’ I said. ‘I think you’re being unfair.’
‘I’m being unfair? I haven’t thrown a hand grenade into the band.’
‘I think it’s unfair you get laid every night but expect the rest of us to be celibate.’
He let out a wry laugh. ‘No-one could ever accuse Carter of being celibate. And actually, at the moment, no-one can accuse me of getting laid every night, either.’
‘Well, forgive me if I don’t come to your pity party,’ I snarled.
He cast a furtive glance down the hallway and lowered his voice. ‘I just expected better of you. You could have anyone in the world, and you go for Carter? It’s so clichéd. You can do better, that’s all I’m saying.’
‘That’s a nice thing to say about your best friend. And I’ve liked him for ages, you know that.’
‘I thought you were over it. Or have you forgotten what he did at Regatta?’ It was a low blow, and he looked like he regretted it as soon as he said it.
‘He’s changed since then.’
‘Apparently,’ he said drily.
‘Don’t you think this has changed all of us?’ I reached over and tried to touch him, but he threw me off.
‘Not that much. And for the record, I’m not pissed off because you’re shagging my best friend. I’m pissed off because he’s shagging mine, and he’s going to hurt you.’
‘I think you should let me handle that,’ I shot back. ‘And for the record, you’re my best friend too.’
‘Good!’ he snapped. ‘Glad we settled that.’
‘Me too.’
He arched an eyebrow. ‘Can we stop fighting now, then?’
I forced a laugh, but it sounded hollow.
As he turned to go, he said, ‘I’m just worried about you,’ like it was the simplest thing in the world, and I squeezed his shoulder.
‘I know,’ I said. ‘But you don’t have to be. I know what he’s like.’
‘That’s not what I’m worried about,’ he said.
CHAPTER 35
When I got to the studio, Addie was already in the mixing room with Boris, surrounded by takeaway noodle boxes and the heavy, sugary smell of MSG. She ran over to hug me, her fake ponytail swishing perfume clouds around. Now that I knew it was a wig, it seemed so obvious: no-one naturally had hair that thick.
I played ‘Stargirl’ for her, so nervous that I had to sit on the couch and keep my eyes on my fingers to avoid seeing her reaction. But when I finished, she looked impressed.
‘Lily, it’s amazing,’ she said. ‘God, I wish I could play an instrument like you.’
‘Your voice is your instrument,’ I said, and I didn’t mean it as a joke, but she smiled.
We re
corded the song one painstaking verse at a time. Once, singing with Addie had been nothing but a fantasy. The reality was tougher than I’d imagined, but I couldn’t help grinning after every take anyway. Between each session, we waited while Boris made changes to the track and played the new version through our headphones. Once, when he was focused at the mixing desk, she offered me a packet of Starburst.
‘But don’t tell Saskia,’ she winked.
We finished late at night and Boris waved us goodbye as Addie folded herself into the car. When she invited me out, I hesitated.
‘I’m underage,’ I said, my usual excuse when Carter tried to get me to join him and Richie, although I knew my age wouldn’t be a problem if I went somewhere with Addie.
‘I know how old you are,’ she said. ‘We could just get some food or something.’
We were guaranteed to be photographed. I didn’t want to have to explain myself to Carter tomorrow or, worse, run into him and Richie at a nightclub. I was dressed in my off-duty clothes. I slid my sunglasses into the pocket of my jeans and checked my reflection in the car window. Addie caught me and laughed, then tugged out my hair elastic, pulling my hair around my face.
‘Now you look like Lady Stardust,’ she said.
‘It’s not that I don’t want to hang out,’ I said. ‘I just don’t want to go to Yellow Brick Road or anywhere we might be seen.’
She smiled. ‘I know just the place.’
I sat quietly beside her while she chatted to the driver as if they were old friends, directing him to a burger shop and then to her house in Hampstead. The gates no longer seemed foreboding. As we retreated inside, a wave of relief swept over me. No-one would find us here.
She moved smoothly through the house, turning on the lights in each room. We sat at the kitchen counter, which was as uncluttered as last time except for the mannequin head in the centre, and ate. As I bit into my burger, a squirt of sauce landed on my T-shirt and I winced with embarrassment, but she just laughed and handed me a serviette from the burger bag.
‘Addie Marmoset and Lady Stardust in relish fiasco!’ she hooted.
‘Addie Marmoset and Lady Stardust snacking late at night! Could they be pregnant?’ I said.
‘Addie Marmoset and Lady Stardust return to her house late at night with burgers! What kind of weird sex game are they playing?’
I dabbed at my T-shirt with the serviette, but the sauce was definitely going to stain. ‘You do realise they’re going to call us the Stargirls now,’ I said.
‘Oh, God, they so are. That or the Hampstead Lesbians.’
‘I’m not a lesbian.’
The grin faded from her face. Addie’s mood always seemed so fragile, like she was constantly wary of the next threat. ‘Yeah, sorry, I figured. “King Cutie” is your song, huh?’
‘The whole band wrote it together,’ I said, as if this was a Dennis Chang interview. ‘But yeah,’ I added truthfully, ‘the lyrics are mine.’
‘I think it’s dead mint, you know,’ she said. ‘That you’re so devoted to your band. I wish I had some people with me who’d been there since the beginning. Who knew me before I was –’ she waved a hand around the room and the lavish furniture spoke for itself.
‘What about the girls in Perfect Storm?’
‘They’re not speaking to me. When I left, Bella said I was taking their pay cheque with me.’
I remembered the incredulous look on Bella’s face at the concert in Reading, the way her head had flicked up at Addie’s announcement. Holding my wet T-shirt away from my body, I opened the pantry in search of a tea towel. Cereal, bread and tins of vegetables lined the shelves. Spaghetti stood in tall glass jars beside an array of condiments: soy sauce, sriracha, vinegar.
‘Did you know I was coming?’ I asked.
The look on Addie’s face was a mix of guilt and pride. ‘Well, you totally food-shamed me last time. I wanted to be ready in case you ever came back one day.’
I turned to face her. ‘Thank you,’ I said, and she grinned back. A few weeks ago, the thought that she’d prepared for my visit would have filled me with a strange kind of excitement, but now it fit in with what I knew of Addie. Before I’d known her, I’d thought she was cool – but I hadn’t also known she was kind.
I found a tea towel and dabbed at the orange stain, and asked her a question to hide how pleased I was. ‘So why did you leave Perfect Storm? You guys were on top of the world.’
She started fussing with mugs and tea bags, avoiding eye contact. ‘When you’re in a group with four other voices, you have five competing harmonies. Literally and metaphorically. I kind of got crowded out. That’s why I had to branch out on my own, but I didn’t realise what I was giving up until it was too late. I’m still glad I left the group, but I wish I’d talked it over with them more – given them a chance to prepare instead of springing it on them in Reading.’
‘In one glitter-dusted blink,’ I said, and she threw me a sad smile as she handed me a mug of tea. She’d remembered that I liked it without milk. As she sprayed rosewater into the glue of her wig and began to gently remove it with practised fingers, I realised how quickly things had changed. When I first met Addie it was like meeting an alien, but the more I got to know her, the more she seemed like an ordinary girl. Like a friend, even.
‘At least I’ve got my mum,’ she said, setting the wig on the mannequin head. ‘She’s my best friend, really. When Perfect Storm first went platinum, it was really hard. Every time I stepped outside my house I felt like I had to put on armour.’ She peeled off her wig cap and massaged her scalp, as though even the memory of those first days of fame still gave her a headache. Her short hair stuck up in punky spikes. I liked it. ‘And when Val and I split up, I was a total mess, but Mum was brilliant. She turned up here with ice-cream and said I could either see fame as a curse or an opportunity, but I couldn’t go backwards now so I might as well focus on the positives. That was when I knew I had to quit Perfect Storm and try to make music that actually meant something to me. So in a weird way, Val breaking my heart was the best thing that ever happened to me.’
I gripped the mug. I felt the usual knot in my chest when girls discussed their close relationships with their mums, but something else, too – something like acceptance. I was recognisable all over the world: if Mum wanted to find me now, she would have no trouble at all. And yet she hadn’t. Suddenly it hit me: she still didn’t want to be part of my life – and the realisation was a relief, not a disappointment, because it meant I was safe from yet another heartbreak.
Addie was watching me closely. ‘What is it?’ she said. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
‘No,’ I said, and I didn’t mean to, but the whole story about my mum started tumbling out. And then she told me about how her dad hadn’t hugged her since she came out, and before we knew it the tea was cold and dawn was breaking and we hadn’t been to bed.
‘We should probably call the paps,’ I suggested as we said goodbye. Amir wouldn’t want us to miss the chance to have my sleep-deprived mug splashed across the internet.
But her eyes narrowed, and I wished I hadn’t said it. ‘Well, I won’t mention it to Amir if you don’t,’ she said. ‘Night, Lily.’
CHAPTER 36
I could practically hear Phoenix’s eye-roll through the phone. ‘Finally!’ they said. ‘It took you long enough.’
‘But you can’t tell anyone.’
‘Oh, Lil. It’s not like I’m going to call Have You Heard. Unlike a certain skater chick I know.’ The sound of the school canteen echoed shrilly in the background and I hoped Ellie wasn’t there to overhear. ‘So – is it love?’
‘What are you eating?’
‘Don’t be coy with me. I want details. Is he your boyfriend?’
I looked up at the old Raw Power poster. Our new pad was filled with tasteful Swedish furniture and terrariums, and the poster was the only thing that still felt like home.
‘He’s still Carter. It’s not like he’s had a person
ality transplant.’ I kept my voice down, even though my room was a long way down the hall from his. ‘It’s complicated.’
They let out a guffaw. ‘It’s not complicated. You chased the guy for months. And now you’ve finally got him and it’s … complicated? It’s like you want to make problems for yourself.’
‘I didn’t chase him. I fancied him.’
‘You wanted to have his babies!’
‘I wanted to have sex with him.’
‘And now you have. And …?’
‘It’s good. That part is great.’
They laughed again. ‘And what about Addie Marmoset? You look pretty cosy in these photos on the net.’
‘With Addie it’s … friends.’ I couldn’t believe I could say that, but it was true.
‘Are you really friends? I mean, do you genuinely care for her, or do you just want the kudos of being friends with a pop star that you’ve idolised forever?’
I bristled. Until recently I’d asked myself much the same thing. ‘We’re definitely friends,’ I said firmly. ‘Just friends.’
‘Does she know that?’
‘Of course she does. We’re releasing a single together.’
‘Uh-huh.’ There was scepticism in their voice.
‘Go on,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Say it.’
‘It’s just …’ they sighed. ‘I’m having a hard time believing you’re doing a duet with Addie Marmoset. The Addie Marmoset. You know, the one you had pictures of on your wall. The source of all your teenage fantasies. Miss “Rock You All Night” herself.’
‘Yes, I know who Addie Marmoset is.’
‘So I don’t believe you can be in the same room as her and not even try to get in her pants.’
It was an off-the-cuff statement, but it made me feel oddly protective of Addie. She was a person, vastly more complex and interesting than the avatar I’d had on my wall. ‘You don’t know her,’ I said. I thought of something Amir had said. ‘That’s the thing about being famous. Millions of people have the wrong idea of who you are.’
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