Amir pushed Carter out first, holding his T-shirt by the scruff. Carter stumbled towards us, groaning, one arm against his stomach, his head lolling onto his shoulder. Richie toppled out afterwards, pressing random notes onto the driver. I froze at the kerb while Sam pushed past me, hooking his arm around Carter and helping him forwards.
‘Come on, Carter,’ said Amir, scanning the upstairs windows for light. ‘Let’s go in.’
Carter slouched like a zombie against Sam, lit up by the lobby, and didn’t budge. His skin was grey. Richie let out a high giggle.
My whole body was tense with panic. ‘What the hell is going on?’ I gulped.
‘He’s just had a bit too much to drink,’ said Richie.
A gin palace in Camden. Amazing cocktail list. You can make out with me on the dance floor if you’d like.
There was nothing reassuring about Amir’s arm around my shoulders. ‘I know this is confronting, Lily, but he’ll be fine. He just needs to vomit and sleep it off.’ His certainty flipped me over the edge.
‘I’ve seen him drunk loads of times,’ I said. ‘He’s never like this!’ I ducked out from under his arm. ‘Why were you out with them anyway?’
‘I wasn’t. I was actually on my way to Addie’s launch when Richie called me,’ Amir said, looking pointedly at me. ‘But I’ve seen this before, and trust me, it looks a lot worse than it is.’
Sam pressed the button for our floor several times before any of us remembered you needed a key card to operate the lift. In our living room, Richie swayed uselessly in the doorway while Sam set Carter down on the couch.
‘Listen to me, mate.’ Sam’s eyes flicked to me. A self-destructive streak. No one here gets out alive. ‘Where are you?’ he said. ‘Do you know where you are right now?’
‘Sammy, you’ve got to help me …’
Sam exhaled. ‘Oh, Jesus. You’re OK, mate, you’re home now.’
Carter just whimpered.
‘Carter?’ I croaked.
Sam drew me over to him with one hand. ‘Stand here.’ I clung to Sam’s arm, my body fraying, afraid to touch Carter. ‘It’s all right,’ Sam said, but I couldn’t tell which of us he was talking to. ‘It’s going to be all right.’
Carter reached out a trembling hand and touched the waistband of my jeans. His hand on me broke the spell: he was still Carter, no matter what state he was in. I leaned into Sam, absorbing his strength while the rest of the world was losing its mind. Think, think.
‘We have to take him to hospital,’ I said to Amir, my voice rising. ‘You shouldn’t have brought him here – you should have called an ambulance!’
‘And you shouldn’t even be here,’ Amir said, glaring at me. ‘You’re supposed to be at Addie’s launch. Look, Lily, he can’t go to hospital – it’ll be all over the papers tomorrow. We might lose the New Year’s Eve gig.’
I was starting to shake. ‘Who cares about a stupid gig?’ I turned to Richie. ‘How much has he had?’
He shrugged. ‘I wasn’t with him the whole night.’
‘If you’re not going to help –’
He held up his hands. ‘All right, all right. We had gin at that place in Camden. He had more than me. Then we kicked on to MudDragon. Vodka and Red Bull. Then some tequila shots and …’
‘No hospitals,’ Amir repeated, trying to snatch my phone from me.
I looked at Carter groaning on the couch, the concoction battling away inside him. ‘Sam ...?’ I pleaded.
‘OK,’ said Sam. ‘We call an ambulance.’ His arm tightened around my waist. ‘It’s going to be OK. You hear me? It’s OK.’ And this time I was sure he was talking to me.
CHAPTER 39
The rubber soles of my shoes scuffed on the hospital floor. Sam was outside talking to the doctor but I’d stayed in the private ward, holding Carter’s hand over the sheets. I watched his chest rise and fall with his breathing. He’d had his stomach pumped and was finally asleep. I scooped my greasy hair into an elastic band and shivered, still wearing the jeans and old T-shirt I’d put on when I removed the dress after Addie’s launch. My stomach was churning and my eyes were tight and dry, but I couldn’t leave his bedside. If I left, I’d have to think about everything that had happened last night, and I couldn’t face that.
Sam came in and stood beside me. ‘His mum’s on her way down from Birmingham, but the doctor says he should be back to himself tomorrow.’ He nudged me. ‘You were right. You made the right call. Now all we have to do is make sure it doesn’t happen again.’
‘How are we meant to do that, Sam?’ I snapped. Sam was an easier target for my anger than Carter. ‘This is totally out of our control. Do you think any of us can stand between Carter and what he wants?’
Carter needed our help, that much was clear. But I had no idea where to start.
As the fight went out of me, exhaustion rushed in to take its place. The tears started and I clung to Sam and sobbed, my body wracked and aching, machines beeping all around me.
•
Amir was right: the papers found out Carter was sick and Sam, Richie and I had to lie our way through a press conference, saying Carter was in hospital being treated for pneumonia. When I finally checked my phone later that day, there was a text from Addie.
With a flood of guilt, I realised I hadn’t even texted her since I’d left her launch without explaining why. I was too tired and numb to think of what to say, so I told her to come over. Somehow, I’d have to tell her about Carter. I hoped that wouldn’t ruin our professional arrangement, let alone our friendship.
Her bodyguard drank tea in the kitchen with Sam while I led her into my room. She sat on my bed and I stood for a minute before taking a seat beside her, not too close. She smelled like expensive soap, but she wasn’t wearing any make-up and was dressed simply, in a sweater and black jeans.
‘I had to see you before I left,’ she said. ‘I want to apologise for kissing you last night.’
Last night seemed so long ago now. ‘Oh, don’t even …’
‘Don’t do that. Don’t do that female thing where we pretend it’s nothing. I know it upset you or you wouldn’t have left.’
‘I was just … surprised …’
‘I should have asked if it was OK with you beforehand. The thing is, it kind of took me by surprise. I think I got carried away in the moment.’ She levelled her eyes, but I shied away from her, trying to ignore what she was telling me.
‘It’s hard for me to open up to people,’ she continued. She took my hand and held it, gently. ‘I’ve been burned so many times. But with you … I feel like you understand me.’
I thought about Carter, surrounded by machines, and the way he’d begged me not to go to Addie’s launch party. If I hadn’t gone, I wouldn’t have kissed Addie, and he wouldn’t be in hospital now, needing my help to get better. ‘You got carried away with the performance,’ I said firmly, trying to stop her from going any further. Her eyes went wide with hurt and I softened and admitted, ‘Maybe I did too.’
She was still holding my hand. Slowly, she stroked one of my fingers. ‘I … I don’t know if it was a performance. Lily … I’ve been blocking people out of my life for years. Anyone who might hold me back, anyone I got close to. Val, the band, my friends from school. But since I’ve met you, I’ve realised that’s no way to live. It might stop me from getting hurt, but it also stops me from really connecting with people.’
I flinched and withdrew my hand. I wasn’t worthy of this. I hadn’t told her about me and Carter. How could she say she felt connected to me when she didn’t even know I had a boyfriend?
The injured look returned to her eyes, and without thinking I reached out to trace the line of her chin.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I just … I like you. I really like you. But …’ I couldn’t tell her about Carter. Not now.
The skin of her jaw was so soft. I pressed my palm flat against her neck, fingers reaching behind her ear, and then I was pulling her face to mine. She blinked in
surprise, a moment where she didn’t trust it, and then we closed the gap between us. Her waxy lip balm tasted of honey. My heart was rushing. When we drew away, she smiled with such relief that I wanted to tell her everything. But I also wanted to be the girl she thought I was, the honest one, the one who made her want to change – and I couldn’t be that girl if I admitted I had kept so many secrets from her.
‘I have to go,’ she whispered. ‘I want to stay, but my flight …’
‘Let’s talk when you’re back from the States,’ I said, buying myself time.
•
Phoenix started crying when I rang to apologise. ‘I’m the one who was out of line,’ they said. ‘I just miss you, that’s all. I keep hoping you’ll come home and it’s hard to accept that hanging out with celebrities is really your life now.’
As I started to tell them what had happened with Addie, my voice broke. ‘You were right,’ I said. ‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’
‘You’re still you, Liliana,’ they said. ‘Just … different. And I just need to get used to it.’ It was like we’d never argued in the first place. ‘Besides, Addie Marmoset seems to like you, so you can’t be all bad. What are you going to do, anyway? You can’t date both of them.’
‘Addie’s in America all the time. And her career always comes first.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘Now I know how Ellie must’ve felt – I was always putting music first.’
‘Addie seems really great.’
‘She is, but I just don’t know if I can be Addie Marmoset’s girlfriend. Or if that’s even what she’ll want from me when I tell her about Carter.’
‘And what about the elusive Mr Tanqueray?’
‘I can’t break up with him while he’s in hospital! And when he’s not drunk, things are great. He’s gorgeous and attentive and god, Phoenix, so hot. And if we split up, I don’t think the band would survive it. The band has to stay together. The Supernova awards are coming up and if we get nominated, well, that would be amazing – but it’ll be useless if we’re not even a band anymore. But I can’t do another night like Saturday.’
They sighed. ‘Look, Lil, I get that the band matters, but you matter, too. I think it might be ultimatum time.’
•
Carter came home after a few days, looking drawn and tired and smelling slightly clinical, like he’d used disinfectant instead of soap. When he held me, my resolve began to leak out and I struggled to remember the words I’d practised with Phoenix.
‘You can’t go on like this,’ I said. ‘You scared the hell out of me on Saturday.’
‘You scared the hell out of me, Liliana,’ he said softly. ‘That video … I didn’t know what to think.’
He looked so fragile that I couldn’t tell him about Addie, about the real kiss we’d shared just a few days ago in my room. Instead, I said, ‘I didn’t know she was going to kiss me,’ which was the truth, if a bit beside the point.
‘I’m struggling, Liliana,’ he said. ‘I just … I don’t want to share you.’
‘And I want you to give up drinking.’
‘Is that what you want?’ He ran a hand over his head. ‘Man. Is that all you want? Then I’ll stop. I promise.’ He ran his hands down my back. ‘I didn’t mean to end up in hospital. It scared me too, Jimi,’ he whispered, and the nickname melted me. He kissed me softly and I kissed him back, but after he had fallen asleep I lay beside him in the dark, wondering if a promise made that easily was really a promise at all, and thinking about Addie’s lips on mine.
CHAPTER 40
Addie was in America for weeks, but I wouldn’t have had time to see her even if she had been in London. We were deep into rehearsals for the Royal Albert Hall gig on New Year’s Eve, our first full show in the public eye. I was scared I was going to forget all the choreography, accidentally move around onstage like always and find myself blocking a camera angle at midnight. When I thought back to last New Year’s Eve, at a house party at Ellie’s before I’d even applied for the academy, it felt like a million years ago.
Sam was like a different person and I realised the toll that the endless promotion had taken on him. For him, playing music was a need, as essential as breathing. Tish came to our rehearsals and watched on with pride from the wings. Richie was still partying late every night, but Carter stayed home, keeping his promise to me.
Addie’s messages to me from the States were friendly but not flirty, and she never mentioned what we’d talked about in my bedroom – or the kiss we’d shared there. When she told me she was meeting up with Valentina Salazar for coffee, I tried not to feel disappointed. Of course she would want to see her ex, even though she obviously had unresolved feelings for her. It wasn’t like I had any claim on her. It would have been unfair of me to expect anything when I was still with Carter anyway. So I texted back cheerfully, wishing her luck, and tried not to think about her in a coffee shop, sitting across from a supermodel. I resolved to tell her about Carter as soon as she got back.
I didn’t tell Carter about the kiss with Addie in my room, either; there was no point in mentioning it, especially now she was acting more like a friend. I told myself that I had been scared of losing another friend after my fight with Phoenix, and Carter had been in hospital, and that our kiss had only happened because I was emotional and confused. I tried hard to believe it.
A few days before Christmas, after a long day of rehearsals, I met Dad and Jack at the airport. Dad looked disorientated and I realised it was more than a decade since he’d last taken a long-haul flight, back when he’d visited his cousins in Italy. He held me so tight in the arrivals hall that I had to tell him to let me go. When he pulled away, his eyes were wet.
Outside our apartment, glittering baubles hung from the telegraph poles. As our cab pulled into the kerb, photographers scattered like a flock of pigeons.
‘What’s going on?’ Dad asked. I tried to play it cool, but I knew something big had happened.
Amir was inside, and after he’d introduced himself to Dad and Jack he wordlessly handed me a newspaper with a front page photo of me and Carter, curled up together at our rehearsal at the Royal Albert, his mouth on my forehead. The angle suggested it was shot from the stage.
Humiliation pricked me all over. Carter and I had been sneaking kisses backstage, or touching fingers briefly in an interview, and over time he’d become bolder, less patient when I shrugged him off in public. Deep down I had always known we would get caught. That was part of the thrill. But this wasn’t just pictures of me being kissed by my boyfriend in a newspaper; as far as the world was concerned, it was pictures of me being kissed by someone who wasn’t my boyfriend in a newspaper. Phoenix’s angry words echoed in my head: It’s not like you. Well, now the whole world thought it was like me.
I didn’t know what I’d say to Addie. I’d told her she could trust me, in those early weeks before we had even become friends, and certainly before it had developed into anything more, and she’d said, ‘Yeah, I think I can.’ There was no way that she’d think that now.
Amir hit the roof. ‘If you’d just told me this was happening we could’ve played the whole thing out! You and Addie could’ve split up quietly, wishing each other all the best, like it had just run its course. Then we’d do a few interviews where you and Carter hold hands, a nice photo shoot. “Perennial Single Girl Finds Love In Her Own Backyard.” This isn’t the way to do it.’
I pulled my knees up to my chest and folded my arms around myself. Dad stood in the kitchen, slack-jawed with jet lag, as this man he’d only just met tore into his daughter. I was relieved that Jack had already gone to sleep in the spare room, exhausted from the flight. Sam went briskly to close his bedroom door so we didn’t wake Tish.
‘Of course you had to take it out of my hands,’ Amir went on. ‘Is it really so much to ask that for once you acknowledge that I know more about this industry than you do? If you’d just told me this was going on, we could have come up with the perfect moment to launch Brand Liliarter – maybe ons
tage at the Supernovas, if you still get a nomination after this.’
‘Why wouldn’t we get a nomination after this?’ said Sam. ‘Surely what’s happening in Liliana’s personal life shouldn’t affect that?’
Amir exploded. ‘She’s cheating on the most beloved pop star in the world and you think they’ll turn a blind eye? How long has this been going on?’
There was silence, then Carter shrugged and admitted the truth. ‘Since Paris.’
‘So you’ve been smart enough to keep it under wraps for – what – nearly three months? What made you suddenly think this was safe?’
I finally snapped. ‘I was rinsed and it was late, and I guess I just let down my guard,’ I said. ‘I didn’t think anyone would be taking photos.’
‘So what happens now?’ Carter said. ‘I mean, we didn’t plan it, but it’s done now, right?’
Something in his voice made me wonder whether he had planned it. He didn’t seem at all surprised.
Amir threw up his hands. ‘The only option is to try to convince Jen it’s a great move for Addie’s career. If we’re lucky, she might overlook the catastrophe it poses for your own.’
‘Well, it was going to come out at some point,’ Carter said. He pressed me against him, but I didn’t feel any better. ‘At least we don’t have to lie anymore.’
Amir pointed at me. ‘You need to call Addie,’ he said. ‘The least you can do is pay her the courtesy of telling her yourself.’
My hand trembled as I closed the door to my bedroom and pressed ‘call’. I sat on the bed where Addie had kissed me a couple of weeks ago and waited for her to answer. How was I going to explain this? My mind raced through the options: to say that Amir had insisted on secrecy, or that Carter hadn’t wanted anyone to know, or that the relationship had only evolved in the last couple of weeks, while she’d been in the States? But as soon as she answered, I knew I had to tell the truth.
‘Lily?’ she said, sounding groggy. I hadn’t checked the time difference: I’d probably woken her up.
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