‘Just come home and we can talk it out,’ I said once we were out of earshot. I skidded on the cold pavement as I tried to keep up with him.
‘There’s nothing to say.’ His breath came out in wisps of white. ‘Tonight meant a lot to me. I needed to believe we could do it, that we could still play live together – but we obviously can’t. I guess I wanted an answer and now I’ve got one.’
‘We’ll get it right next time. We’re allowed to have off days.’
‘If we were real professionals, we’d be able to pull through our off days. Back in Henley, I thought you and me could be professionals. Richie was always hungover and Carter was always chasing some piece of skirt, but you and me, Liliana, I thought we could do it.’ He took in the stupid gold dress as if seeing it for the first time – or only just realising what it meant. ‘But now the only thing we’re professional at is the autopilot interview routine. You’re the Perennial Single Girl, Carter’s the Casanova, and I’m just Muggins at the sidelines, wondering why the hell we wanted this so much.’
‘Can’t you just focus on the positive? We got two Supernova nominations.’
He shook his head. ‘No, Donadi, you got two Supernova nominations. We got one. And they won’t even let us play at the ceremony to make up for tonight.’
‘We’ll ask Amir.’ My voice was high with desperation. We stopped walking and he started scanning the New Year traffic for cabs. Saskia waited nearby, like a walker indulging her dog in a sniff but ready to yank back the leash at any point.
‘I’m done asking Amir for favours,’ said Sam. ‘Amir is not in charge of me. He’s not in charge of you, either, even though you’re acting like he is. You think I don’t know why you’re with Carter, even though you’re a million times better than that and you could’ve had a bona fide pop star instead? Someone who actually cares about you?’ My mouth dropped open at the mention of Addie, and Sam noticed, but kept going, as if he couldn’t stop. ‘You’re a serious musician with an otherworldly talent. He’s an arrogant loser who was so drunk tonight he didn’t even plug in his guitar. The only reason you’re with him is that you think he chose you over everyone else, and being with him is the one small thing you can do that Amir hasn’t approved of, so you’re doing it. But the fact is, Carter’s cold-blooded. He’s always wanted to be famous, and when he couldn’t get it himself he decided to use you.’ I flinched, and he stepped forwards to touch my shoulder. ‘I’m so sorry, Donadi,’ he said, more gently. ‘I hadn’t planned to tell you like this. Tish wouldn’t have shared that photo without his permission. I knew it as soon as I saw the picture. I think you know it too. He’s using you.’
I pulled away from him. The cars sped past us. ‘I don’t believe you,’ I said, but I remembered Carter’s quick glance to me before he assured Sam it was Tish who’d released the photos, and I shuddered. He hadn’t been reassuring me. He’d been lying.
Sam went to touch me again, but I took a step back and held up my hands to stop him.
‘Please, Donadi.’ He looked utterly broken. ‘I can’t just stand back and let him drag you down with him. You need to know what you’re getting in for with him, and the only person who’ll tell you is me. He’s been using you right from the start. He picked you for the band because you’re a songwriter, and we needed original songs to enter Battle of the Bands. He’s cheated on you ever since you first got together, and that water in his drink bottle tonight? It’s vodka. I checked.’
I stood stock still as his words hit me, each one cutting deeper than the last. Then I peeled off the jacket, thrust it at his chest and stood, shivering, in the early hours of the new year. ‘Go,’ I said.
‘Will you just listen to me?’
‘Go!’ I snarled. ‘Go back to Reading with your tail between your legs. It’s not like we need you.’
He stared at me for a second. ‘You would’ve listened to me once,’ he said softly. ‘Before all this happened. But you’re a different person now, and I guess you only listen to what you want to hear.’ He shrugged on his jacket and started walking down the street.
‘Goodbye, Liliana,’ he said, and I knew he meant it.
CHAPTER 44
The sequins on my dress twinkled in the headlights of the passing traffic. Saskia put her arm around me and led me back to the car park, where Amir was standing beside a black sedan, holding open the back door. I barely noticed Carter and Richie were missing.
As the car filtered out of the gates I drew my knees to my chest and ignored Amir’s bemused glance. Sam’s words echoed in my head, and I tried to ignore them. He really had left the band, and this whole wild journey really could end in a leather-scented sedan with my best friend walking down a highway, looking for a cab. I should have known Sam was never going to be comfortable in a band that spent more time playing the fame game than playing live. Despite that – despite everything – the band had managed to hold it together. Now that he was gone, Lady Stardust was truly adrift.
Saskia fished around in her handbag and offered me a packet of tissues. ‘You know,’ she said, ‘when I was growing up, I would have given anything to be where you are.’
My head snapped up. ‘You were in a band?’ I asked, grateful for the distraction.
‘Lord, no.’ She laughed her tinkling laugh. ‘I was a model. When I was twelve I got scouted at Alton Towers and signed with an agency.’ It made sense: her long white limbs, her impeccable sense of style, her poise. ‘I went everywhere,’ she added. ‘Milan, New York, Bratislava.’ She said the last place with a sense of humour I hadn’t known she possessed.
‘What went wrong?’ I asked.
‘See, it’s interesting that you assume something went wrong. Nothing went wrong. I had jobs lined up everywhere; I was doing great. But I had to do all these shoots of summer clothes in winter and I didn’t like my weight being scrutinised all the time and I was starting to get bored. And I’d promised my mum that I’d stop if it wasn’t fun anymore.’ Her face was bright and dark under the passing streetlights. ‘So I stopped modelling and I went to university and used my contacts from the industry to become a stylist.’
‘Do you miss it?’
She skewered me with her blue eyes. ‘One of the things about being on that side of the equation is that you have no control. I wasn’t choosing the clothes or taking the photographs or selecting the girls. I wanted a job where I had some control.’ She smiled. ‘It’s one of the things OJ and I first clicked over, actually. She gave up being a professional weightlifter so she could have a less stressful life as a personal trainer, and I gave up modelling so I could have more autonomy.’
The penny dropped. ‘You’re OJ’s girlfriend?’
‘Wife.’ She waggled her ring finger at me. ‘You know that’s the first time you’ve ever asked anything about me?’
I’d always seen Saskia as part of the Beatnik machine. It hadn’t occurred to me that she might have her own story. I started to apologise, but she waved a hand. Amir cut in from the front seat, the first indication he was listening: ‘Saskia is absolutely not saying you should leave the band, are you, pet?’
Saskia shook her head. ‘I think Sam should leave the band. This is all making him so unhappy – that’s a no-brainer.’ She leaned closer to me so that Amir couldn’t hear and said, ‘But I think what you do should be your choice.’
•
Carter and Richie weren’t home. I swayed in the hallway of our penthouse, casting my eyes over the marble floors, all of Saskia’s tastefully chosen artworks, the guitars in the corner of the living room. The clock in the hall showed it was almost four.
After Sam’s outburst, I was desperate to see Carter. I needed to look into his eyes so that all of Sam’s accusations would melt away – even the most painful ones, which were the ones I knew, deep down, were true. Carter would laugh it off and together we’d work out how to reunite the band.
There was no sign that Sam had come home, and I wondered if he really had gone back to Reading. I peeked
into his room and saw Tish fast asleep in his bed despite her promises to leave. I had a missed call from Dad and a text from Addie. With skittering hands, I opened it.
Tears filled my eyes; even now, she was kind. But I didn’t have time to think about that. I changed into my jeans, slammed a strong coffee, and went out into the firework-tinged night.
•
MudDragon was packed full of people wearing next to nothing, pressed up against each other on the dance floor. I pushed through the crowd, looking up at every tall boy in the hope it was Carter. Every time I made eye contact theirs would widen in surprise, and I’d shrink back into the crowd.
MudDragon was the third club I’d been to. My joints were stiff and my bones were sore and as I thought about the ache in Sam’s voice when he’d said, ‘He’s using you,’ I wanted to cry. But I had to find Carter. I’d called and texted him over and over, but he wasn’t picking up.
Other people bumped against me, their sweat rubbing off on my clothes as I shoved my way through. Everyone was packed in tight at the bar, waving twenties and yelling orders. I scanned the faces, looked for Richie’s silky blond hair or Carter’s darting eyes, but found nothing.
‘Hey! Aren’t you Lily Donadi?’ said someone.
‘It is you!’ said a petite girl in a skater dress. ‘I knew it was you!’
‘Will you take a selfie with me?’ said her friend. ‘My boyfriend is not going to believe I met you!’
My body tensed for flight – but maybe I could use this. I posed for the picture.
‘Hey, I’m here with the band,’ I said as casually as I could. ‘But I lost them in the crowd.’
‘Carter Tanqueray is here?’ said the first girl. ‘Oh. My. God.’
‘Have you tried the private function room?’ said the blonde. ‘There’s a massive party there.’
I’d never known Carter to turn down a massive party. They took me to a set of stairs at the side of the bar, away from the main dance floor, and the hostess scanned my face before inclining her sinewy neck to let me past. At the top of the stairs was an intimate room made up of several booths draped in velvet curtains.
Carter was in one of the booths, flanked by two girls. I stood and watched as he handed the waitress his gold Amex, knocked back a tequila shot, sucked a quarter of lime. His other hand was on the bare knee of a girl who was wearing a corset in lieu of a top.
I ran hot and cold at once, rooted to the floor. I stared as he turned to the girl, his eyes unfocused, and said something in her ear. She laughed and picked up the last traces of salt with her fingertip, then put her finger in his mouth.
He’s got the moves, they always work
One cocked eyebrow and an arm’s-length smirk
Bass thudded in my head as Richie glanced over, then spoke to Carter. Carter looked up at me, slow horrible drunk understanding in his eyes, and I turned and ran.
CHAPTER 45
I ran down the stairs, leaping from the fourth step onto the ground, and out through the pulsing people on the dance floor. The bassline was so loud I could feel it in my veins. I forced my way through the forest of bodies, frozen in the seconds of strobe.
‘Hey, aren’t you …?’ shouted one guy, but I was gone before he could finish, my name lost to the bass. I didn’t look back.
‘Just add water … Just add water … Just add water and stir,’ went the song, the DJ trapping it again just as it broke free.
I wasn’t afraid of the papers anymore, or embarrassed about what they would think. I was afraid of myself. If I let loose at Carter, after all this time, if my mouth ran ahead of my brain, I could say anything to him.
I fell to the kerb as the rain started. A gaggle of party-goers was outside the club looking for transport options home: girls with their boyfriends’ coats draped over tight dresses, boys on their phones as though it was beneath their dignity to wait for a lift.
The sobs heaved through me, so hard I could barely breathe. I twisted away from the watching queue as the drizzle seeped in through my clothes. Get it together, Donadi. The ground was wet and the cold air stung my throat. I needed to pull myself to my feet and walk away, like Sam had done, down the dark street, disappearing into the night.
But I couldn’t disappear, not really. It wasn’t like I’d dissolve. And what would happen then? I had nothing else, no backup plan, no safety net. When we’d jumped, we’d jumped hard. If I turned my back on the band now, it would be the end of everything we’d built together.
Carter’s hand on my shoulder startled me. I wanted to bolt past the empty cab rank and the crowd of people holding their phones up to capture the moment, to run until my lungs felt tight in my chest, but I knew that when I stopped, he would still be beside me. I held fast.
‘Baby, we’ve got to talk this out …’ He reached for me but I winced, and his hands curled back. ‘I messed up. I’m imperfect, babe. I’m a mess. You know that.’
He looked deep into my eyes as though he really thought that would be enough. The wind whipped at my hair and I brushed it out of my eyes with shaking hands as I waited for an explanation.
‘You know ... I’m actually glad this happened.’ His smile was lopsided, like only half his face believed this tactic would work. ‘This really shows me how much I need you, how important you are to me. You’re the one who always holds me to account.’
The Underground sign at the end of the street shuddered into life and a guard opened the iron gate. It was almost morning. I turned away from Carter and started walking towards the station, but he grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. He was angry now.
‘God,’ he said. ‘Would you just talk to me?’
‘What could I possibly have to say to you?’
‘I can go to rehab. I’ll get help.’
I felt strangely calm, like the tears had washed away my anger. ‘You think this is about the drinking?’
The people who’d been waiting for a cab were starting to move towards us to hear us better, and he lowered his voice. ‘She’s nothing to me,’ he muttered. ‘That girl in there. Nothing happened.’
‘It’s not about the girl.’
‘Well, what is it then? What’s it about? Please, Liliana, I’ll do anything.’
I surveyed the crowd of people with their cameras, and for once I didn’t feel cornered.
I took a deep breath and when I spoke, I centred myself, using every tool I’d ever learned about projection. ‘You wanted this. Fame. Cash. All the groupies you could handle.’ He cringed. ‘You even pretended to love me to get it. Well, if you want it so much, you can get it yourself. I’m not going to be a part of it anymore.’
He swayed for a second, like I’d punched him. Up til now, he must have thought I’d go back inside, that I might even join him and Richie and the girl in the corset, order another round of tequilas and watch the sun come up on a new year together. ‘Liliana … that’s not what …’ I arched my eyebrows as he spluttered. ‘I do have feelings for you …’
I pulled away from him and started down the street, towards the Underground. Maybe I couldn’t disappear, but at least I could walk away.
CHAPTER 46
Curled up on a double seat as the train sped through the dark countryside, I checked online for write-ups of our performance, but the news was dominated by the photos of Carter and me on the street outside MudDragon. I looked haunted, my hair wild and my tears flash-washed. Carter looked stressed and apologetic and very, very drunk. There would be hell to pay when Amir saw these, but our public break-up would be the least of his worries.
As I stepped onto the platform in Henley, snow was starting to fall. I texted Sam, hoping against hope that he’d meet me despite our argument.
Cold fingers of sunlight snaked across the sky as I walked along the river. I glanced across at the dark school that had once been my home. When I reached the middle of the bridge, I waited, watching swans waddle down the opposite bank and sink gracefully onto the water. Snow seeped down the back of my long
-sleeved T-shirt and I wished I’d brought a coat.
Meet me on the bridge, I’d said in my text. Sam hadn’t responded. Maybe he wasn’t awake yet. Maybe he never wanted to see me again. Maybe I should have been clearer about which bridge. It felt like a lifetime ago that we had last been here.
And then a cab turned onto the bridge and he got out, clutching a shopping bag in his fist.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurted out before he’d finished walking towards me. ‘I’m so sorry for what I said to you after the concert. You were right about everything, about Carter – I just didn’t want to admit it. We just broke up,’ I added. Already the words felt right in my mouth, as if I’d known all along that I’d end things with him. ‘And I’m sorry for screwing up like that onstage, too. I knew how much last night meant to you. I wish I could take it back – but you have to believe me. I haven’t changed. I’m still me.’
He flinched, and my chest felt tight. If he couldn’t forgive me, maybe the girl he’d known in Henley really was gone. I opened my mouth to speak, to explain everything, but he thrust the shopping bag at me.
‘I only came to give you this.’ Inside was a second-hand tartan jumper. It was the same brand as the one Ellie had given me before I left Australia, which Carter’s one-nightstand had stolen from our flat back in Brixton. ‘I got this for you online weeks ago, but they still had my old shipping address.’ He raised a half-amused eyebrow. ‘You should put it on. You look freezing.’
The fleece-lined jersey was like a warm hug after all the fitted clothing Saskia had insisted I wear. My thumbnail snagged on the inside of the right cuff, just at the place where I used to yank the jumper over my hand when I was nervous.
It was worn through.
Heart thudding, I removed the jumper and searched the back hem for the telltale ink blot, the result of a pen leak on the plane trip over. Sam hadn’t bought me a replacement: he’d located the original.
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