CHAPTER X
REJECTED
It was after our second waltz I did it. In the usual quietcorner--which, that time, was in the shadow of a palm in the hall.Before I had got into my stride she checked me,--touching my sleevewith her fan, turning towards me with startled eyes.
'Stop, please!'
But I was not to be stopped. Cliff Challoner passed, with Gerty Cazell.I fancy that, as he passed, he nodded. I did not care. I was wound upto go, and I went it. No man knows how he can talk till he doestalk,--to the girl he wants to marry. It is my impression that I gaveher recollections of the Restoration poets. She seemed surprised,--nothaving previously detected in me the poetic strain, and insisted oncutting in.
'Mr Atherton, I am so sorry.'
Then I did let fly.
'Sorry that I love you!--why? Why should you be sorry that you havebecome the one thing needful in any man's eyes,--even in mine? The onething precious,--the one thing to be altogether esteemed! Is it socommon for a woman to come across a man who would be willing to laydown his life for her that she should be sorry when she finds him?'
'I did not know that you felt like this, though I confess that I havehad my--my doubts.'
'Doubts!--I thank you.'
'You are quite aware, Mr Atherton, that I like you very much.'
'Like me!--Bah!'
'I cannot help liking you,--though it may be "bah."'
'I don't want you to like me,--I want you to love me.'
'Precisely,--that is your mistake.'
'My mistake!--in wanting you to love me!--when I love you--'
'Then you shouldn't,--though I can't help thinking that you aremistaken even there.'
'Mistaken!--in supposing that I love you!--when I assert and reassertit with the whole force of my being! What do you want me to do to proveI love you,--take you in my arms and crush you to my bosom, and make aspectacle of you before every creature in the place?'
'I'd rather you wouldn't, and perhaps you wouldn't mind not talkingquite so loud. Mr Challoner seems to be wondering what you're shoutingabout.'
'You shouldn't torture me.'
She opened and shut her fan,--as she looked down at it I am disposed tosuspect that she smiled.
'I am glad we have had this little explanation, because, of course, youare my friend.'
'I am not your friend.'
'Pardon me, you are.'
'I say I'm not,--if I can't be something else, I'll be no friend.'
She went on,--calmly ignoring me,--playing with her fan.
'As it happens, I am, just now, in rather a delicate position, in whicha friend is welcome.'
'What's the matter? Who's been worrying you,--your father?'
'Well,--he has not,--as yet; but he may be soon.'
'What's in the wind?'
'Mr Lessingham.'
She dropped her voice,--and her eyes. For the moment I did not catchher meaning.
'What?'
'Your friend, Mr Lessingham.'
'Excuse me, Miss Lindon, but I am by no means sure that anyone isentitled to call Mr Lessingham a friend of mine.'
'What!--Not when I am going to be his wife?'
That took me aback. I had had my suspicions that Paul Lessingham wasmore with Marjorie than he had any right to be, but I had neversupposed that she could see anything desirable in a stick of a man likethat. Not to speak of a hundred and one otherconsiderations,--Lessingham on one side of the House, and her father onthe other; and old Lindon girding at him anywhere and everywhere--withhis high-dried Tory notions of his family importance,--to say nothingof his fortune.
I don't know if I looked what I felt,--if I did, I looked uncommonlyblank.
'You have chosen an appropriate moment, Miss Lindon, to make to me sucha communication.'
She chose to disregard my irony.
'I am glad you think so, because now you will understand what adifficult position I am in.'
'I offer you my hearty congratulations.'
'And I thank you for them, Mr Atherton, in the spirit in which they areoffered, because from you I know they mean so much.'
I bit my lip,--for the life of me I could not tell how she wished me toread her words.
'Do I understand that this announcement has been made to me as one ofthe public?'
'You do not. It is made to you, in confidence, as my friend,--as mygreatest friend; because a husband is something more than friend.' Mypulses tingled. 'You will be on my side?'
She had paused,--and I stayed silent.
'On your side,--or Mr Lessingham's?'
'His side is my side, and my side is his side;--you will be on ourside?'
'I am not sure that I altogether follow you.'
'You are the first I have told. When papa hears it is possible thatthere will be trouble,--as you know. He thinks so much of you and ofyour opinion; when that trouble comes I want you to be on our side,--onmy side.'
'Why should I?--what does it matter? You are stronger than yourfather,--it is just possible that Lessingham is stronger than you;together, from your father's point of view, you will be invincible.'
'You are my friend,--are you not my friend?'
'In effect, you offer me an Apple of Sodom.'
'Thank you;--I did not think you so unkind.'
'And you,--are you kind? I make you an avowal of my love, and,straightway, you ask me to act as chorus to the love of another.'
'How could I tell you loved me,--as you say! I had no notion. You haveknown me all your life, yet you have not breathed a word of it tillnow.'
'If I had spoken before?'
I imagine that there was a slight movement of her shoulders,--almostamounting to a shrug.
'I do not know that it would have made any difference.--I do notpretend that it would. But I do know this, I believe that you yourselfhave only discovered the state of your own mind within the lasthalf-hour.'
If she had slapped my face she could not have startled me more. I hadno notion if her words were uttered at random, but they came so nearthe truth they held me breathless. It was a fact that only during thelast few minutes had I really realised how things were with me,--onlysince the end of that first waltz that the flame had burst out in mysoul which was now consuming me. She had read me by what seemed so likea flash of inspiration that I hardly knew what to say to her. I triedto be stinging.
'You flatter me, Miss Lindon, you flatter me at every point. Had youonly discovered to me the state of your mind a little sooner I shouldnot have discovered to you the state of mine at all.'
'We will consider it terra incognita.'
'Since you wish it.' Her provoking calmness stung me,--and thesuspicion that she was laughing at me in her sleeve. I gave her aglimpse of the cloven hoof. 'But, at the same time, since you assertthat you have so long been innocent, I beg that you will continue so nomore. At least, your innocence shall be without excuse. For I wish youto understand that I love you, that I have loved you, that I shall loveyou. Any understanding you may have with Mr Lessingham will not makethe slightest difference. I warn you, Miss Lindon, that, until death,you will have to write me down your lover.'
She looked at me, with wide open eyes,--as if I almost frightened her.To be frank, that was what I wished to do.
'Mr Atherton!'
'Miss Lindon?'
'That is not like you at all.'
'We seem to be making each other's acquaintance for the first time.'
She continued to gaze at me with her big eyes,--which, to be candid, Ifound it difficult to meet. On a sudden her face was lighted by asmile,--which I resented.
'Not after all these years,--not after all these years! I know you, andthough I daresay you're not flawless, I fancy you'll be found to ringpretty true.'
Her manner was almost sisterly,--elder-sisterly. I could have shakenher. Hartridge coming to claim his dance gave me an opportunity toescape with such remnants of dignity as I could gather about me. Hedawdled up,--his thumbs, as usual, in his waistcoat pockets.
'I believe, Miss Lindon, this is our dance.'
She acknowledged it with a bow, and rose to take his arm. I got up, andleft her, without a word.
As I crossed the hall I chanced on Percy Woodville. He was in hisfamiliar state of fluster, and was gaping about him as if he hadmislaid the Koh-i-noor, and wondered where in thunder it had got to.When he saw it was I he caught me by the arm.
'I say, Atherton, have you seen Miss Lindon?'
'I have.'
'No!--Have you?--By Jove!--Where? I've been looking for her all overthe place, except in the cellars and the attics,--and I was just goingto commence on them. This is our dance.'
'In that case, she's shunted you.'
'No!--Impossible!' His mouth went like an O,--and his eyes ditto, hiseyeglass clattering down on to his shirt front. 'I expect the mistake'smine. Fact is, I've made a mess of my programme. It's either the lastdance, or this dance, or the next, that I've booked with her, but I'mhanged if I know which. Just take a squint at it, there's a good chap,and tell me which one you think it is.'
I 'took a squint'--since he held the thing within an inch of my nose Icould hardly help it; one 'squint,' and that was enough--and more. Somemen's ball programmes are studies in impressionism, Percy's seemed tome to be a study in madness. It was covered with hieroglyphics, butwhat they meant, or what they did there anyhow, it was absurd tosuppose that I could tell,--I never put them there!--Proverbially, theman's a champion hasher.
'I regret, my dear Percy, that I am not an expert in cuneiform writing.If you have any doubt as to which dance is yours, you'd better ask thelady,--she'll feel flattered.'
Leaving him to do his own addling I went to find my coat,--I panted toget into the open air; as for dancing I felt that I loathed it. Just asI neared the cloak-room someone stopped me. It was Dora Grayling.
'Have you forgotten that this is our dance?'
I had forgotten,--clean. And I was not obliged by her remembering.Though as I looked at her sweet, grey eyes, and at the soft contours ofher gentle face, I felt that I deserved well kicking. She is anangel,--one of the best!--but I was in no mood for angels. Not for avery great deal would I have gone through that dance just then, nor,with Dora Grayling, of all women in the world, would I have sat itout.--So I was a brute and blundered.
'You must forgive me, Miss Grayling, but--I am not feeling very well,and--I don't think I'm up to any more dancing.--Good-night.'
The Beetle: A Mystery Page 10