by Paris Lees
The Launch
Liam’s set up a meetin’ wi’ this Dean twice now – an’ he pulled out at the last minute, both times. Liam sez he’s a businessman an’ that’s just the way it is. But then Dean text me an’ asked me if I’d meet ’im without Liam, but I can’t coz Liam’d go mad. My nerves are bad enough without keepin’ secrets from Liam. He knows some really bad people, I’ll never be safe in Notts if I cross ’im. I reckon Dean’s tryna get out of payin’ ’im, an’ just pay me directly. Obviously, I’d prefer that – I don’t like the thought of Liam makin’ money out me havin’ sex – but I can’t risk it. He’s only just started bein’ nice to me. So we’re meetin’ Dean today now, an’ he’s promised Liam he won’t let us down this time. I can’t help thinkin’ it’s a coincidence that it was ma birthday three days ago, but maybe I’m just over-thinkin’ it. Some of ’em actually prefer ya to be underage. It’s hard to tell what guz through these men’s minds. It’s not like I’ve gorra deep emotional connection with any of ’em, is it?
I am excited, though. Liam sez Dean’ll gimme fifty quid an’ he mainly just wants to see us playin’ with each other. An’ he’s not bothered that I’m feminine. Liam sez he’ll like the fact I shave ma legs an’ that. An’ if he likes me, which Liam sez he will, he’ll probably gimme an extra tenner. I’ve just gorra funny feelin’ that this is gonna be a good ’un, despite all the faffin’ about.
But I can tell summat’s up as soon as I walk through the door. Liam has the big light on an’ is sittin’ on the end o’ the bed with ’is coat on. I’m like, “Are ya goin’ out?” But he sez, “Nah, Ah just wanna be ready.” Ready for what, Liam? “Sit down,” he guz. It’s the only time I’ve bin here an’ he’s not bin blarin’ out Ja Rule, so I perch on the corner of ’is mattress an’ I’m thinkin’, I hope this Dean’s not let us down again. But then he guz, “Ah’ve gorran idea.” I’m like, “OK.” “Well,” he sez, “this Dean always brings all ’is bank cards with ’im, coz I’ve seen ’is wallet.” An’ I’m like, “Right.” Then he looks at me wi’ this cheeky glint in ’is eye an’ sez, “Why don’t we rob ’im?” I’m like, “Rob ’im?” “Yeah,” he guz. ‘Rob ’im.’ I sez, “I’m not robbin’ anyone, Liam. Who’d be scared of me?” I don’t like sayin’ no to ’im, but he’d have bin better off askin’ an old friggin’ woman. “No,” he guz. “Ya don’t have to scare ’im. Ah’ll get ’is bank cards an’ hold ’im here while yo’ go ter cash point.” I’m like, “How ya gonna get ’is cards off ’im?” So he pulls ’is jacket back an’ nods towards ’is armpit. I’m not sure worram lookin’ at, at first, but then he pulls it out – an’ fuck me, he’s gorra gun.
I’ve never seen a gun before. I din’t even really think they had ’em in this country, although ya hear about it on the telly an’ that. They don’t call it Shottingham for nowt, do they? It’s menna be the gun capital o’ the UK, after London. Well, that’s summat we can all be proud of, innit? I just din’t think I knew anybody who’d have one. Even Gaz’d be shocked at this, an’ he reckons he’s seen everythin’ workin’ on the doors. Liam asks me if I wanna touch it, an’ hands it over. Somehow it’s both heavier an’ lighter than I thought a gun would be. An’ I’m not gonna lie, it’s quite excitin’. But for some reason, I just suddenly feel incredibly sad, an’ I start thinkin’ about the day I made Max come an’ see Andy Warhol wi’ me. There were an exhibition at Nottingham Castle. I sez, “It’s not often ya get summat like that round here, Max. He’s proper famous, he ’is.” An’ they had ’is paintin’s, here, in Nottingham. All them soup cans an’ that. They even had Marilyn Monroe.
When we come out, I went to the edge o’ the castle an’ looked down the cliff edge. I’m not very good at workin’ out heights, but let’s just say it worra long way down. They’ve built these posh houses into the cliffs, but they just look like doll’s houses from up there. A bit further along there’s a cave that Uncle Roger used to live in durin’ one of ’is “episodes”. I climbed onto the wall an’ stood up. Max tried to grab me, but I told ’im to let go or I’d jump. Said I’d be alright if he just left me alone. I were terrified, but it felt great. I don’t know what it is about heights. I’m scared of ’em. Dead scared. But I’m not scared of fallin’. I’m scared of jumpin’. Coz whenever I’m high up, I get this overwhelmin’ urge to just … leap off. I’m not suicidal. I don’t wanna die or owt. It’s just knowin’ that ya can. How easy it’d be to do it. An’ how summat so simple – so instant – can have the power to change yer life for ever. An’ sittin’ on the edge of Liam’s bed, lookin’ at that gun, I feel exactly the same way as I did on the edge o’ that cliff. “Alright then, Liam,” I go. “Let’s do it.”
Touch Me
I felt bad. But not that bad. He is, after all, a dirty fuckin’ perv. An’ to be honest I were buzzin’ walkin’ down that street knowin’ I’d got ’is bank cards in ma back pocket. Liam din’t have to hurt ’im or owt. He just showed ’im the gun. He told me it’s an imitation, so I were like, “Story of ma life, Liam.” Lady Die always sez fake it till ya make it. Fag Ash sez fake it till yer fake as fuck, an’ she should know. They look exactly the same on the outside. It’s summat to do wi’ the mechanism. He wun’t tell me where it’s from, but I bet it’s the Woodies, although it could’ve bin anyone really, coz Liam knows loadsa dodgy people. I guess I do now. I might even be one. I like misbehavin’, I know that. I don’t know why though. I just love it. I ran away from home when I were ten, an’ I just remember feelin’ so happy walkin’ down the lane to the dump. When I come back, News at Ten were on. Mam were furious.
I got in a car once wi’ some old bloke I used to meet in the bogs on ’ucknall market. He looked like the Farmer in ma copy o’ The Three Little Pigs, so that’s what I called ’im. He always had muddy boots on an’ a bottle of Listerine in ’is glove compartment, that he made me swig after he’d come in ma mouth coz he sez it stops ya gerrin sexually transmitted diseases. I’m not convinced it does, but it’s can’t hurt, I s’pose. He said he were takin’ me to Dead Man’s Wood, but we drove for miles down these long country lanes, then up this massive hill an’ back down again. It were like one o’ them roads ya see in Canada or summat. An’ the further out we went, the more I were thinkin’, Worram I gerrin mysen into? There were hardly anyone around, an’ I started worryin’ that he might murder me, but I kind of liked the excitement. Then he pulled into this car park in the middle o’ the woods, full of cars. Sez, “Right, out ya get.”
I step out an’ the Farmer sez, “Go down that path.” I’m feelin’ around in ma pockets for a piece of bread or summat, thinkin’, I’ll leave a trail like Hansel an’ Gretel. Although that went wrong, din’t it? But it’s irrelevant anyway, coz I an’t got any fuckin’ bread, have I, coz it’s not Olden Times an’ who the fuck keeps bread in their pockets. We go deeper into these woods an’ the sun’s beginnin’ to go down. As we get further in, I start to notice rubbish. A used condom. Pages from a porno. Empty beer cans. Then I see two men up ahead, one suckin’ the other one off. The Farmer guz, “Why don’t ya go up to ’em? They’ll be pleased to see ya.”
They were. The one who’s stood up looks at me an’ went, “D’ya wanna go, lad?” Then he turns to the Farmer, like he’s lookin’ for permission. The Farmer went, “Go on, have a go on ’im.” But he were talkin’ to the man, not me. Like he owned me. But I liked it. I liked it a lot. By the end, there must’ve bin about fifteen of ’em. It were dark by then, but they must have known how young I was. I’ve got no meat on me as it is, an’ this were two years ago. I were centre of attention. They were all fightin’ to be wi’ me. They pulled ma legs apart an’ I could feel all these hands, touchin’ me all over. None of ’em were rough or owt. It were gentle. The thing that sticks wi’ me the most though is that no one said a word. Like it weren’t real if we din’t say it out loud. An’ then one of ’em got inside me. I din’t even see ’is face. So I’ve bin fucked by someone an’ I wun’t know ’im from Adam if he tapped me on
the shoulder right now an’ asked for a light. It’s bad, innit? But the worst thing is, I loved it.
Just like I loved seein’ that money come out that cashpoint. There’s summat wrong wi’ me, I know there is. I’m a problem child. But at least I’m not a hypocrite. At least I’m not married. At least I know I’m bad. Dean has a limit on how much he can withdraw in one day, so I could only get two hundred pounds on each card. After midnight, I could try again. I got there at ten to. Liam had timed it on purpose. Clever, innee? There were three cards. One thousand two hundred pounds. I mean, I knew it was wrong. An’ yeah, I thought about callin’ the police or summat, but how could I? I’d be dead meat if I snitched on Liam. He din’t count the money till he’d let Dean go, which made me feel better coz I cun’ look ’im in the eye. I thought Liam were gonna fuck me over, but he gave me seven hundred pounds. That’s a lot, innit? Money don’t grow on trees, ya know.
Lady (Hear Me Tonight)
Peter sez ya don’t have to say “hot” if ya say “boilin’”, coz all boilin’ water is hot “by definition”. But that’s how I’ve always said it – I pulled a pan of boilin’ hot water on me when I worra baby. He sez I can’t have bin a baby either, I worra toddler if I could stand up. He’s so clever, innee? He’s teachin’ me how to speak properly. He sez I’m like Eliza Doolittle. Fuck knows what that is, but he seems to find it amusin’. Mam sez she only took ’er eyes off me for a split second. Someone were boilin’ eggs an’ the handle were hangin’ off the edge o’ the cooker – I reached up an’ grabbed it. I’d only just learned how to walk. Went all over ma chest. Mam sez I were lucky it din’t go on ma face. I could’ve bin like one o’ them people ya see on telly.
Mam had to run upstairs wi’ me an’ put me under the shower wi’ cold water. She sez ma skin were hangin’ off like tissue paper. It were at Aunty Ray’s, back when Mammar Joe still lived there. They’ve gorran “avocado” green bathtub an’ see-through taps that say Armitage Shanks on ’em. There’s always a half-used bar of Imperial Leather on the sink. I love that one coz it’s gorra little foil label on it. Gaz uses Pears. Mam gets Dove. I cun’ tell ya what an avocado were if ma life depended on it, but whatever it is, that’s the colour o’ that bath. It’s bin like it since before I were born, so I can really picture the scene: Mam, hangin’ over it, screamin’, ma skin droppin’ off in little shreds, white on avocado. She sez the ambulance took ages.
They could only afford to live in that house coz Old Mother ’ubbard won the pools in the seventies. Nottingham Forest came round with a great big cheque an’ Mammar Joe had to pretend to open the door an’ act surprised while they took pictures. They did a story about it in the Nottingham Post. Aunty Ray’s gorrit, she cut it out an’ put it in ’er photo album. They won ten-thousand grand! That’s a lot, innit? That’s how they could afford an avocado bath. Mam sez they’re dead expensive.
They put all the kids that have bin burned on the same ward an’ Mam sez the boy next to me were in a right old state. ’Is mam had started runnin’ ’im a bath by fillin’ it up wi’ just the hot tap. Well, it must have bin really hot coz he jumped in an’ got burned all the way up to ’is neck. ’Is whole body! It’s true what they say, there’s always someone worse off. That’s why you’ve gorra be grateful for what you’ve got. All I remember is havin’ to wear a vest an’ Mammar Joe puttin’ special cream on it, coz afterwards she’d say, “Right, let’s see if Old Mother ’ubbard’s got owt hidin’ at the back o’ the cupboard” an’ then pull out some Nesquik. Yer menna add milk, but I like it straight out the packet with a teaspoon. Mammar Joe still makes me put Nivea on ma chest before bed. She swears by it. She puts it on ’er face an’ I do too now coz she still looks dead young for a mammar. She’s gonna be fifty next. Ma chest’s a lot better these days. When I were little it looked like Freddy Krueger but it’s not as bad now coz it’s stretched as I’ve grown. I’ve gorra funny nipple, though. It looks like cheese on toast.
They had to take some skin from ma thigh an’ make a graft from it. I’ve never really bin ashamed of it or owt when we’ve gone swimmin’. I’m too busy worryin’ about ma general mannerisms, to be honest. Gaz hit me so hard one time that he bruised the bottom of ma back an’ Mammar Joe sez I cun’ go swimmin’ that week coz I might get taken into care. I love swimmin’. I like takin’ a deep breath an’ goin’ all the way to the bottom. I wonder sometimes what ma chest would look like if they cloned me. It’s weird when I try an’ think about not havin’ it, coz it’s just always bin there. It’d be good if I could clone mysen though, eh? I’m not really bothered about ma scar, but there’s loads of other stuff I’d make different. For starters, I’d be a girl. Obviously. I’ve always felt like a girl. But they won’t let me.
Synths & Strings
I cun’ relax in Lovezoo. They had the smoke machine on, an’ I kept thinkin’ Liam were gonna jump out an’ grab me from the shadows. It were like bein’ on the friggin’ ghost train at Goose Fair. No one were out though, apart from Die, obviously. She sez no one ever has any money after New Year’s. So of course I happened to look fuckin’ amazin’. Me an’ Fag Ash ended up havin’ this massive fall-out coz she stole ma man off me – literally the only fit guy in there – who’d bin chattin’ me up all night. I sez, “Erm, ’scuse me lay-deh, but I think you’ll find he were talkin’ to me first”, but she were like, “Actually I saw ’im arrive, so get fucked.” I were fumin’. Why does she do it? I’m sick of ’er. Well, it don’t matter now coz I won’t be goin’ out with any of ’em, ever again. An’ I’m never takin’ drugs again either.
It started wi’ speed. The guy had dropped some in ma drink before Fag Ash spoiled ma fun, so me an’ Lady Die were buzzin’ come midnight. Just dropped it in at the bar, blatantly. I don’t even like speed. It’s alright if ya wanna stay awake for three days an’ clean yer room, but I’m terrible on no sleep. It just makes me anxious. But then we both get proper mashed up, so I’m like, I don’t even give a fuck. I sez, “He’s all yours, Pavash. Knock yersen out. Before I do, ya rancid bitch.” I hope she gets SARS. I don’t stay mad for long though coz soon enough Sticky Nikki turns up an’ starts givin’ us bumps, an’ then I find a pill on the toilet floor. A Superman. Die were like, “Yo’re tekkin’ the fuckin’ piss” – then halves it wi’ me. Waste not, want not, eh? I hate losin’ drugs coz ya just know some miserable fucker’ll end up flushin’ ’em down the loo or summat. Well, the good people of Lovezoo wun’t, but not everywhere’s Lovezoo, sadly. I reckon if ya find drugs that some honest, God-fearin’ fuckhead has left behind in the confusion o’ their mind-altered night out, ya owe it to party people the world over to ingest that shit on their behalf. So we did.
As ya can imagine, me an’ the People’s Princess are pretty fuckin’ battered by this point. We leave Lovezoo coz I can’t be doin’ wi’ Mr Speed an’ that poisonous witch killin’ ma vibe for a minute longer. As we’re walkin’ up to Market Square, this car full of Asian guys shouts us over. Lady Die does ’er bimbo routine – “Hiya, darlin’” – an’ asks ’em for a light, so we stand there havin’ a fag. An’ I’m sayin’ nowt, knowin’ it’ll make ’em even more intrigued wi’ me. They’re goin’ down Leicester. Do we wanna join ’em. I ask Die if we can have a quick girl chat coz I reckon it could be dangerous if they find out our little secret. She sez it’ll be fine though coz we’re not pretendin’ to be girls, we’re just us, an’ it’s none o’ their business anyway. She’s eighteen, so technically ma responsible adult. “He’s offerin’ us a lift,” she guz. “Not a hand in marriage. We don’t owe ’em nuffin.” I’m not entirely sure they’d see it that way, but we both look good, so I’m like, whatever. Fuck it.
We end up ditchin’ ’em at the first bar anyway – “See ya later, guys, thanks for the lift!” So we try that twenty-four-hour place an’ who do we bump into but Leicester Mike, or, as Lady Die calls ’im, Go-Go Gadget Dick, coz apparently it just keeps growin’ an’ growin’. I mean, I’m not one for sloppy seconds usually, but I
wun’t say no to ’im. He’s a chemistry teacher. Twenty-seven. Dead fit. Always has loadsa pills on ’im – an’ tonight’s no exception. He guz, “Well I never, Nottingham’s leading shoplifters!” Twelve pills later an’ ma wig’s fallin’ off on the dancefloor an’ I don’t even care. The bouncers come over an’ congratulate us on bein’ “the best female impersonators” they’ve ever seen. No one else seems to have noticed, thank God, coz they’re all battered, but I’m paranoid they’re gonna start tellin’ people. I s’pose it’s better than the time we cun’ get into a bar coz the manager said they had a no drag queen policy. Lady Die sez, “We’re princesses, not queens”, but I din’t even wanna go in after that. Coz I don’t feel like I’m “dressin’ up” when I go out. I just feel like me.
An’ I honestly don’t think I’ve ever looked more beautiful. Lady Die sez I look like Madonna in the “Nothin’ Really Matters” video – big wide eyes, bright red lips an’ long straight hair. I reckon she looks like the black ’un from Sugababes tonight, so she’s dead happy wi’ that. This fit guy comes on to us an’ we end up takin’ ’im to the toilets. It’s not even a gay club. We’re gonna end up murdered one o’ these days. He were cool when we told ’im though – he wanted us to fuck ’im, but I’d never do that. I’m the girl. I want the man to do it to me. Die were like, “Nah, man. Not here. That’s rank. I’m a Christian.” But we were pretty wasted so I shoved the toilet brush handle up ’im while Lady Die wanked ’im off, an’ he ended up comin’ all over the toilet seat like a Roman friggin’ candle. We had to ask the next cubicle to pass some bog roll under.
Well anyway, he giz us some GBH, an’ oh, that’s it then. I end up proper hallucinatin’. I din’t actually think it were possible to sleep through full-blast hard house, but ya learn summat new every day, don’t ya? I open ma eyes an’ there’s these Manga mousses wavin’ at me from the dancefloor. I’m like, “Die, I’m seein’ cartoons. I don’t think I’ve ever bin so out of control in public before – innit marvellous?” An’ it is. But the absolutely best part, the big fat juicy fuckin’ cherry on the cake, is knowin’ that Fag Ash’ll be so jealous when she finds out, which she will, as soon as I see ’er, coz I’m gonna tell ’er about it in all its glorious detail.