The idea sounded great! We had eaten there once back in high school when we stopped to see the large, marble church just off Interstate 5. I lifted Nicole up gently and began to kiss her but she pulled away and whispered, “I’d love to cuddle all evening with you my love but you aren’t the only one starving…after we get home we have all the time in the world.” I grunted playfully and said, “You’re no fun, but you’re right.” as I pushed her onto the carpet. Of course once she fell onto the floor laughing I grabbed her right hand and raised her up, “Well Nicole, let’s go then!”
When we arrived it was past the regular dinner rush so we got a really good table. It was fun to be out, and even though it was right in the middle of civilization, I felt like Nicole and I were the only people there. I remembered back to the last time we had eaten there…it had been cold, but now the atmosphere seemed different. I wondered if it was because I was with Nicole, or if it just the warmth of summer. Actually, inside the temperature was not so warm as someone seemed to have turned the air conditioner down, and we were both in light, sleeveless blouses. Once dinner arrived though it seemed the temperature was just right.
Nicole and I had a relaxing conversation, joking about everything – and apparently irritating two overweight couples sitting next to us. They were dressed like they were just from church, the men in white shirts and the women in conservative dresses. One of the women, probably in her late forties, gave me a strange look when I laughed a bit loudly after Nicole made some joke. She didn’t say anything mean, but her glance bugged me, so I decided a bit of role play would be fun.
I winked at Nicole and turned my chin down and loudly asked her, “So, when did you start stripping anyway?” Of course the rest was ad lib and it didn’t take long for the two couples to look really uncomfortable. Nicole was biting her lip as she maintained a straight face and bragged, “I worked in a real classy strip club in Vegas, but now I am thinking of a movie career.” She almost lost it though as she asked, “Hey, want to make an amateur porn when we get home?” and at that the woman, whose look originally inspired our little game, motioned to her husband and the other couple that it was their time to leave. They quickly gathered their things and were out the door. Once they left we started laughing, and whenever I tried to stop I relived the moment the woman put her fork down and demanded her husband get up, even though he still had a full plate before him. We just couldn’t stop laughing even when we were done with our meal. As we stood up to leave Nicole let out a burst of laughter and started coughing as something had momentarily lodged in her throat. Everyone was looking at us – we were on center stage.
Nicole had drunk two glasses of wine that evening while I had a couple of diet colas. Not that I needed to lose weight – even after that huge meal my clothes were loose on me. In fact, Nicole was constantly pulling up her jeans as she had returned to the shape she was in back in high school. We both probably lost ten pounds on the hike, and when I looked in the car mirror I could see I looked a bit malnourished and really, really dark after so much exposure to the sun.
When we got home Nicole went into the bedroom. I was wired from the caffeine and expected I would be up all night. I went in to Nicole but, to my surprise, she was totally passed out – looking as if she had fallen on the bed and immediately lost consciousness. I thought out loud, “Oh well, I haven’t checked my e-mails for almost two weeks”
I opened up my main account and noticed Sara had sent me several letters. I also noticed the usual spam mail and then saw something, sandwiched in-between the junk mail – it had a name that totally threw me! The name on the mail was M. Lindberg!!! I did not even bother to open up Sara’s mails. I almost called out to Nicole, but decided not to, besides, I did not want her to see the mails from Sara and ask who she was. In fact, as a precaution I set my mail to bypass the trash can feature and automatically erase permanently anything I deleted. I immediately opened up this “mail from a dead man” and was completely surprised by what I read.
M. Lindberg was Mark’s older brother Matthew! I had never met him and Mark had never really talked about his family. I read the letter to see what it was all about. Apparently he was the one who had sent the book that my mother had lost the letter to. He had been living in Japan until recently and was now in Salt Lake City. He had recently run across another book of Mark’s that had my e-mail address even commented, “I assume you and my brother had been good friends.” He concluded that he wanted to learn a bit more about his brother’s life in Portland.
I whispered to myself as I leaned back and stared at the screen, “Oh my God! What should I do with this? Mark’s life history, his final few months at least, was a fabrication – the truth was something that can never be told.” I decided to merely ignore the mail, but as I was just about to click “delete” I focused on his observation of “friend” and paused. Maybe I could send him a polite message, or maybe, just out of curiosity, find out about Mark’s unspoken life before we met. Oh well, at least I could learn a few things about him from his brother, and perhaps satisfy the curiosity I had concerning Mark’s background.
I responded to his mail and said he could ask me anything he wanted. I also said Mark had never mentioned anything about his family except he was the youngest of five children. And for some reason I told his brother he could reach me through MSN. After that I opened Sara’s mails. She was wondering what I was up to and said she wanted to repair any damage she might have caused in our relationship. She asked why I had not responded to her mails – and she signed all of them “Still Love You, Sara”
This all was a bit amusing to say the least. In one of Sara’s letters she asked if I was planning on being in Seattle in the near future and asked if we could hang out – maybe go on a boat ride on Puget Sound for the weekend. I had never really told Sara it was over, and she knew nothing of Nicole. I wrote back to her and said maybe I could arrange some time to visit. I was unsure why I did that, I never really thought of myself as someone who might cheat on a loved one, but at that moment I toyed with the possibility. Then, not even thinking clearly, I signed the letter “Love you! Melanie” and sent it. I was playing a dangerous game, but maybe it was my way to punish both Nicole and Sara for various things that they had done to make me angry. I didn’t really consider what could happen with my life if I did see Sara for a few days.
I did some surfing on the web – including checking on news stories from Seattle, but it seemed the gang-related retaliations were not as severe as authorities had feared they would be. Only two men had been killed in clashes. That was a disappointment.
Then, to my total astonishment, I saw another letter from Matthew in my mail. He must have been on at the same time I was since I had only sent my reply an hour earlier. He said that he appreciated my kindness and then he asked how I had met Mark – apparently, the information he found did not include anything about me being his student. His brother must have thought I had met Mark in some other social context. I decided it might be fun to play with his brother’s mind a little so I merely said that we had shared a fondness for psychology as well as the outdoors. I gave no clues to the truth I said we had gone on trips to the coast and to the mountains many times. Of course he didn’t have to know what we did on those trips. I told him that Mark had loved being away from civilization and that he had even trained me in survival. Again, I just never told him what type of survival. I asked about his relationship with his brother, hoping to pry out details of my long-dead mentor. I asked him to share anything he felt comfortable with and sent the mail.
I decided to take a break at that moment – it was after midnight, but I was not tired. I wanted something to do, yet when I checked on Nicole she was still passed out. I thought about going to the store and doing some much-needed grocery shopping but Nicole would hate it if she woke up and nobody was home.
I sat down again just to play with the computer and even debate on some political discussion forums – the closest thing I had to the old days of de
bate in high school. Then, just out of curiosity, I went back to my e-mail account. There was another letter from Matthew! Wow, I thought either this guy was some computer geek or…well, who knows? I opened the letter and was surprised how long it was.
Apparently he had misinterpreted what I had meant when I said asked him to share information. I wanted to know about Mark, yet instead he was telling me about himself. He was two years older than Mark. He had done missionary work for his church in Japan and wound up marrying a Japanese woman who was the daughter of some guy who he had converted to his religion. They had returned to the United States where he actually had studied business and psychology – a good combination of studies I thought.
He said upon his graduation he and his wife had decided to start a family, but she didn’t get pregnant. They went to the doctor and found out she had ovarian cancer. Not being able to afford the treatments she needed her father offered Matthew a job in Japan in his business and they moved there – she could get the treatments since they had national health care. She seemed cured but a few years later the cancer returned. She lived a few more years before dying. He stayed in Japan for a while until his father in law decided to sell the business – and gave him much of the profit as he had no other children. Then he moved to Salt Lake City to be a consultant.
His story struck me, not for any of the tragedy, but rather that not knowing me at all he had almost shared more details with me about who he was than Mark shared in the several months I knew him. I kind of thought it would be interesting to meet this guy, and so I said that if he ever wanted to meet he should get in touch. I again invited him to visit my chat line anytime.
I went to bed and just let my mind wander. Should I meet with Sara? If I did, I would have to cover my tracks really well. Then, what of this man who was telling me all about his life without even knowing me? Oh well, just some guy in Salt Lake, nothing to really think about. However, he was part of Mark’s family and I found that intriguing. I wondered what it might be like to meet this guy and even…well, seduce him! Perhaps then I could see what it would have been like with Mark. Even I had to ask myself what was happening to me. I mean, here I was lying next to Nicole and thinking about cheating with two different people. Even with all my psychological training I could not figure out why my mind was going in these directions.
The next day, maybe as some form of compensation, I showered Nicole with attention. I wanted to sit down and check my e-mails but we were too busy. I even suggested we go visit the Japanese Gardens, one of the most romantic places in Portland. Why did I think of that? We had a great time though. I even suggested we should start traditions, like maybe go to places that were special on certain days so that as we got older we remember special moments. Nicole hugged me and started crying. I asked why and she said, “It’s really weird, and maybe silly, but it’s also sad that one of us will be there when death occurs. One will be left. I hope I die before you as I couldn’t handle anything happening to you.” I pulled her closer to me, not really caring who was looking. I gently kissed her and told her to not think about sad things.
We left the gardens and by the time we stopped to get groceries it was getting late. We decided to grab some frozen pizzas to cook at home and just relax. We joked that we could pig out on food now since most of our clothes felt far too baggy after the hiking trip.
We went to bed early that night. Yet later, around midnight, I woke up and decided to check the computer. I noticed that Matthew had added himself on my chat line and that I had a mail from both him and Sara. I went to make sure Nicole was asleep and then I opened Matthew’s mail. He told me of the kinds of activities he and his brother liked to do – apparently the rest of his family was not the outdoors types as they had been. He was contemplating getting a masters degree in psychology, he liked photography, and loved travel. The way he was sharing information, one would have thought he had contacted me through a dating service rather than having just connected to get information on a family member. However, I did reply as to my enjoyment of the same things, and how I had just spent over a week hiking the mountains of Washington.
I sent the e-mail and then opened up Sara’s message just after erasing Matt’s. She said she was available anytime and that she would look into boat trips on Puget Sound. I sent her a greeting card and said I too would look forward to seeing her. While I had been setting up Sara’s card Matthew sent me another letter. Wow, here I was multi-tasking between people on-line, a sign of the times I figured.
Matthew asked me if I had ever been married, if I had children, if I was a teacher and what my degree was in. I giggled a little, knowing he had no clue I had been one of Mark’s students. I played with the idea of telling him I had a girlfriend; no, that would scare him off I thought. Why was I scared of him going away though? He was really nothing to me, but then what would be the fun of not taking this further? I decided to imply things without actually lying of course. I said I had met Mark in one of his teaching assignments, that I had been in relationships but never found the right guy and that I too was interested in finishing a masters program in psychology.
A few minutes later I noticed that someone had logged onto my chat line and it was this Matthew guy. Then Sara logged on, which was unusual since she generally did not like internet chatting. I looked behind me as I began conversations with both. This was a new experience. Here was this guy in Salt Lake, some former missionary, who had asked me about his brother but then switched to asking about me. Then there was my conversation with Sara which quickly turned from “I miss you” to discussing subjects of a much more intimate manner, subjects that certainly would not be appreciated by some religious guy living in the desert. This was absolutely amazing fun but I had to be careful not to accidentally mix up my replies.
Then Matthew surprised me when he said that he had a sister in Olympia and that if I wanted to meet him then he could easily justify a trip out west. I thought that would be interesting and maybe I could consider it. Ironically, Sara simultaneously was asking when I could come up to see her. This could get interesting so I, with my usual mischievous mind, thought maybe I could meet both of them, at different times of course, for fun in Seattle. I figured Matthew would have less ease at travel so I asked when he was available. He said that he was free all next week. I then asked Sara about her plans and she said she was totally open.
I thought for a moment, and then came up with a plan. I told Sara I would meet her on Tuesday and stay until Wednesday. I asked Matthew if he could come up and meet me in Seattle on Monday and go on a Mt. Rainier tour, which I looked up while chatting with him. I normally did not find the idea of an organized tour interesting, but I really did not know this guy so I was a bit apprehensive about being alone in a car with him. I asked if we could meet at the departure point at 7am and he said it would be fine. I wondered what it would be like if we spent the night together – that is if we hit it off.
Why was I doing this? I thought about simply cancelling what I had set up. I mean, I had not even discussed it with Nicole yet. How would I put it? Then it came to me, I could tell Nicole that I had to meet with some classmates from my old program and discuss issues relating to what we had done in graduate school the last term. I could say we were doing various activities and that we would be rooming together, just in case she asked to come along.
Sara wrote back and said she would treat me to a surprise on Tuesday. I wondered what she had in mind and looked forward to meeting with her – she said to be her at her place as early as possible.
When it came to relationships I really had little experience – but now I was creating a web of intrigue. A part of me desired to do something different, even though that might mean…well, time would tell. I guess the idea of having a double affair entered my mind, which I knew would be complicated in so many ways, yet a part of me was excited about trying it.
The next morning I greeted Nicole with breakfast in bed. She was surprised and said I was too good to her. Well,
I was not too sure about that. I suggested, “Why not work on our tans from the hike? In fact, let’s get really dark this summer!” I suggested something out-of-the-ordinary – that we go to Rooster Rock, a clothing optional state park on the Columbia. She replied enthusiastically, “I like that idea! I will pack a lunch.” Soon we were out of the house and on our way. While I drove I told her about my “seminar” that I had to go to. I said I’d have to leave Sunday night to get a room and be there early Monday. She said she’d miss me but maybe she would take some time and see her mom. Now I just had to make sure nothing happened to expose my plans.
It was a pleasant day, although it felt different. Maybe as we spread our blanket in the section of the park that seemed dominated by gay males, it felt like we were not just enjoying the beach, but in some way affirming something akin to a lifestyle choice. Yet our initial reasoning was that we chose that area because we didn’t want guys gawking at us – and that was not a problem there. While I knew lots of sun was not the best thing for my skin but we spent hours there hiking and swimming – all in all a lot of fun! Funny thing was that I felt a bit strange while we were swimming in the river. I wondered how many bodies were under the surface of those waters besides the ones we had contributed.
While we were eating lunch a group of men near us raised a huge rainbow flag and took on a pose mimicking the marines raising the American flag on Iwo Jima. A lot of people cheered and started clapping. I turned to Nicole and she shrugged her shoulders as if to say “whatever” and I smiled at her in agreement. I looked around at the people surrounding us and felt totally out of place. It wasn’t so much that we were the only women in that section of the park, it was that I did not find identify with the gay culture in any way, despite the dynamics of my relationships over the past months. Maybe I just didn’t fit in anywhere – perhaps I was too smart, too independent, and self-aware to blend into any sub culture at all. That was okay except it could make for a life of pure analysis, and loneliness.
Melanie's Awakening Page 17