The next day I was feeling really tired and asked Nicole what she might like to do. She said she was open to anything. I was feeling anxious, probably with all the complications running through my mind. I then thought of doing something, anything to kill the anxiety. So, in a crazy moment I guess, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I pulled hair back and over my ears. I contemplated how I would look if I went ahead with a new look. I let my hair drop down again and stared at the image. I liked my hair, but maybe it was time for a change. My curiosity was growing and finally I pulled my hair back one last time and looked at myself from different angles. It was then I made my decision. Before I could change my mind, I called for Nicole. When she walked in I asked, “Well, do you want to leave the old me behind; if so to get the scissors!” She enthusiastically took off and returned with a stool and all the necessary hairdressing instruments.
Maybe I was trying to make sure I proved my devotion to Nicole or maybe I was indeed just curious. I may even have been motivated by resentment of Sara’s comments about my less-than-feminine appearance earlier that week, who knows? I just said, “Have at it – I trust you know what you are doing.” I removed my shirt and sat down, awaiting the inevitable. And in a few moments I could feel the scissors slicing away. Soon chunks of auburn hair were starting to cover the floor. At that point there was no turning back so I was anxious to see the result. It wasn’t long before I could feel hair clippers, the same ones my mother used to cut Gerald’s hair, around my ears, and then further up. I wondered what I would look like after she was done. In a few minutes she faced me, clipped a little of what was left of the hair around my forehead and said, “Awesome!” She asked me to remain still as she touched up the sides with electric clippers. She then proudly proclaimed, “Finished! You look absolutely irresistible! Now go wash off and let me know how you like it.”
I didn’t look immediately in the mirror…I just turned on the shower and stepped in. It was odd, I had never had short hair before and now it felt as if I hardly had anything left on my head. I rubbed my hand around my ears and could only feel a kind of short stubble and skin. I felt the hair on my head and it was barely enough to grab onto if I made a fist. It felt so different, yet at the same time it was liberating as it only took a matter of seconds to dry off. And better yet, I did not even need to comb it afterwards. I cleaned off the mirror and looked, it was really different. Of course there was no turning back, but I did not want to. In fact, for a split second of insanity I toyed with the idea of having Nicole go ahead and finish the job and leave me with a totally butch crew cut, after all, I was almost clean shaven on the sides and it would not take much to have the top match. I kept a level head though and decided to try this look on for size before anything really drastic.
I decided to play around a bit, and I put on an old loose fitting t-shirt with no sleeves and a pair of my old denim cut offs. I went out to the living room and joked, “Hey woman, get me a beer!” and we both started laughing. Nicole looked me over and said, “My God I love how it turned out! How do you like it?” I sighed, “As surprising as it sounds, I love it as well!” Of course I was also thinking to myself, “The things we do for love.” I suggested we go out so I could test the new persona. At first it felt different but in the next several days I got used to it. It did not take long to develop a totally different mental image of what I looked like – and I liked the transformation that was occurring. I even caught myself resenting ads for anything feminine, like shaving products and make-up, when they were advertised on TV.
In the meantime Matt had sent me a couple of pictures of him and some of his cousin’s kids in Salt Lake. I had sort of forgotten about him when I had asked Nicole to scalp me, and I wondered what he would think of this look. When we were chatting later that evening I said that I had re-styled my hair but maybe it turned out too short. He asked for a picture so I sent him one. I waited a moment and he replied, “Now that’s short” but he continued, “You know though, it really brings out your eyes. You look a lot like a young Audrey Hepburn.” I liked classic movies so I knew who she was and I took that as a compliment. I said I would like to see him in person soon but I wasn’t sure when. He just asked for me to let him know.
The next few days were pleasant. Nicole seemed to like my “butch” look and we both thought it was fun to go do the things we liked to do anyway, but me dress up sort of manly and her feminine just to observe people as they would sometimes look at us. Then, for some reason that weekend, Nicole suddenly became withdrawn and depressed. I was wondering what was up but she wouldn’t say anything. She did ask me if I seriously loved her and I told her I did each time she asked. Then, on Sunday, she asked if I would mind if she spent a few days over at her mom’s house – she said it was to help her with projects. I volunteered to help but she said she needed some time with her.
Nicole said she would leave Wednesday morning and be home on Saturday night. I said I might take the opportunity to visit Eugene and hike the trails I had loved to explore when I was younger, and suggested we go camping and hiking in the Three Sisters Wilderness Area when she was done. She brightened up with that suggestion. Then she held me, put her forehead on mine, and said something weird – she said, “When I get home you and I should decide on some goals for the future.” I asked, “What goals do you mean?” but she only responded, “Oh, you should know – goals.”
I asked if Nicole wanted to go on a bike ride to the store with me to grab some junk food. I was glad she passed on the opportunity since my plan was to be alone and call Matt. When I was safely away from home I called and asked if he wanted to make some plans for Wednesday through Friday night and he didn’t even pause – he said he would drive back to Olympia and set up a “splendid” itinerary for us. I was flattered by his desire to be with me and surprised at his apparent ability to be spontaneous. I thought that at least I would have another chance to see what direction this experiment would take, and I was really looking forward to meeting with him again. I was playing with fire and I liked it, but Nicole’s comments were still bugging me – what was she up to?
Chapter 15
I talked with Matt one more time on the phone Monday night. I took the opportunity to apologize for the short notice but he said he had an extremely flexible schedule and had a trip planned for us that I would never forget!
Nicole was still withdrawn. Tuesday morning she woke up the same time as me and asked me to stay in bed with her for a while. She held me tight, like an insecure child might hold a parent for re-assurance, or not wanting them to go on a long trip. She released me and we laid there staring at each other. She then said something creepy, “Melanie, I just want you to know that if I were ever arrested, like if I were implicated in a murder but not you, I would take the full blame. I would never hurt you…you… you know that, don’t you?” I nodded and caressed her arm. She continued, “If anything ever happened to me, promise you would never forget or forsake me!”
Nicole then started crying. I pulled her towards me and tried to reassure her by holding her tight again. I asked what was wrong but she didn’t answer. She only started talking about how she enjoyed being with me but then, between all the reminiscing of fun times we had had, and the re-assurances of our mutual affections. And again she said something I would think about later. She asked, “Melanie I have to ask…am I good enough for you? I mean, I don’t have as much education as you do. Does that make you unhappy?” I immediately replied, “Nicole, you are the smartest person I know! I have never, ever noticed any differences between us, and that is the truth.” I began to wonder if she was hinting at something more profound than some momentary feelings of self-pity, but she jumped out of bed and headed off into the bathroom without any further discussion on the subject.
When she came back into the bedroom I reminded her that we would be going to the Three Sisters when she returned from her mom’s. She said she couldn’t wait. I tried to analyze her verbal and non-verbal communication but
I couldn’t detect any overt self-destructive clues. I was still concerned over her moodiness though. I tried to be with her constantly before her departure. I did not even check my messages, or even go for a run or bike ride. I analyzed every action, every word, and all I could detect was a vague anxiousness. I thought for a moment and remembered this is how she acted before she and I killed Daniel, but I couldn’t for the life of me pinpoint anything she had said that would even be a minor disturbance in her life. And we had so much fun the last week, what could be troubling her?
On Wednesday morning Nicole put her things in her car and said she would see me Saturday evening. I asked if she wanted to do anything special when she got home and she hugged me and, violating our little rule, began to kiss me with almost violent passion. When she stopped I tried to catch my breath but caught the sight of one of our neighbors walking with her children. I could hear one of the girls, maybe five or six years old, ask her mom why two women were kissing. It was an awkward moment, but more so when her slightly older brother said, “Shut up Jenny, the one with the short hair is a guy,” I took a breath and rolled my eyes as the mother seemed to be trying to rush them along. She turned and gave us a dirty look as she passed by. Nicole did not even seem to notice and merely climbed into her car. The comments really bugged me however.
As Nicole turned the key I asked her to be careful, and she insisted I do the same. I waved at her as she pulled out of the driveway and then I ran into the house. “What a stupid little brat!” I yelled out loud. I switched on the computer to boot it up and then looked in the mirror. I was a bit shaken – I did look a little like a guy actually. I wondered what to do to have a more female appearance for Matt, while not ruining Nicole’s strange fetish for me to be more like a guy. I looked at my legs and under my arms, and even though I had not shaved for a month, it was not all that obnoxious – yet. As for my head, my hair was really short, but my body was still far from boyish. So I looked for some ear-rings that gave me a truly feminine look, and I replaced the several tiny gold studs that ran up both my ears with tiny diamond and gold stars. I also packed some nice slacks in case we went out – along with some jeans. I chose conservative blouses and looked around for anything else I might need. At the last minute I remembered my hiking boots and packed them as well, along with some make-up of course.
I checked my e-mails one last time before leaving. There was yet another letter from Sara asking me about setting up a visiting arrangement. There was none from Matt but I figured I would be seeing him soon. I had no idea where in Olympia I would be staying that evening but I thought I would make those arrangements on the way.
As I was throwing the last things in the backseat of my car I had the misfortune to hear a voice, “Excuse me!” I looked up and the mother of the two kids came up my driveway. She was alone and she took a somewhat arrogant tone and said, “I’m not one to tell other people how to live their lives, and no, I don’t even belong to any church, but I don’t appreciate having to explain to my kids why some women like other women in a ‘special’ way.’” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Hey look, I’m in kind of a hurry.” She folded her arms and raised her voice, “No you look here young lady! From now on just be a little more discrete! You catch my drift?” I clutched my car and looked away from her. I didn’t say a word, just took several deep breaths then got in my car and started the engine.
She backed up and as I left I shook my head at her. I figured there was nothing to gain from antagonizing her, but I thought about how fun it would be to do something wicked to her property if it weren’t for the risk of hurting her kids.
I was filled with curiosity and excitement as I headed off to Olympia. What would the next few days bring? I chose another of my favorite symphonic metal band CDs, opened the window and turned the music on full blast. I would call Matt in about an hour I thought.
While lost in the fantasies I played with in my head as I listened to the music, I suddenly noticed my cell phone light was blinking. I was stressed, I was in the process of passing a huge motor home in the right lane so I pressed the answer button and accelerated to practically 90 mph to clear the obstacle and find a comfortable area to drive. I turned off the radio, grabbed my phone frantically, and said, “Hello!” and all I could hear was Matt’s laughter in the background. He greeted me, “Hey there girl, great music. I have several songs from that group on my MP3.” I was surprised, and as we talked it was apparent he had that in common with his brother – a taste for darker music. I was impressed. I wondered what other traits he shared with him.
We kidded around with each other a bit and he said he was arriving in Olympia later in the afternoon. He asked if I would go out to dinner with him to which I was happy to accept, and he said he knew a fantastic Italian restaurant near his sister’s house. Then he asked where I was staying and I said I was unsure. Then, in a “thinking out loud” manner he said, “I wonder if my sister…no wait, she wouldn’t go for that. Hey, just get up here and meet me at the first Olympia exit heading north. There’s a gas station if you turn right, so call me a few when you are near, okay? Then we’ll find a place for you to stay so we can get a really early start in the morning.” I asked what he had in mind but he wouldn’t answer. I would trust him at this point, besides I knew how to take care of myself just in case.
The rest of the journey I continued to wonder about what my plan was. I had to admit that I was attracted to Matt. I told myself that it was on a more mature level than the connection to Mark had been since there were no artificial barriers to our doing whatever we pleased. Then I thought about the complications – not the least of which was my involvement with taking eight or nine or maybe ten lives, depending on how you counted it. I had only killed three people directly, without assistance though. Matt’s brother had a role in more killings than that.
Of course there was Nicole, my soul mate in so many ways. Throw in Sara and wow, what a complicated mess. I giggled when it hit me that I could be a guest on one of those crazy talk shows. More seriously though, what would be the end result of my exercise in deception? I found myself longing for the 1960s – then we could all come together and have some sort of group marriage and live in a communal state. Matt might actually like it. I mean he was a Mormon. Then again he probably would not be so enthusiastic if he became aware of the relationship dynamics between his “wives.”
I gave serious thought to driving right past the Olympia exit, maybe I could instead spend some time with Sara. However, I took a deep breath and called him up. Sure enough he answered and gave me specific directions for our rendezvous point. Within a few minutes I arrived and I saw Matt waiting by his car. It hit me as I parked next to him that I had forgotten to put make-up on. Great, there was nothing I could do so I hoped he liked my new, unfeminine look.
I got out of my car and Matt came up and gave me a hug. He looked at me and commented, “Wow Melanie, I would not have recognized you if you hadn’t sent me the picture.” I smiled and asked what he thought to which he gave me a “thumbs up” and said, “It’s really nice, I like it a lot!” I thought he was either being really polite and nice or he really meant it. Matt suggested we go get my hotel set up and then maybe take a walk at a park he thought I might enjoy. Then we could go for dinner.
We drove off and soon came to a really nice hotel. Soon I was checked in and Matt was carrying my luggage to my room. Once we arrived he apologized about his inviting me to spend time with him but then not being able to have me stay with him at his sister’s place. He just said it would not be something she would consider appropriate. He did insist on paying for the three nights at the hotel though. Some would say he was probably trying set the stage for something a bit less innocent with his nice gesture, but if that were the case I was certainly not going to object. He then put his arm around my waist and we headed to his car.
With most people I tried to set up a defensive perimeter at all times. Even with Nicole I would try to think about how she might misinte
rpret something I would do or say. But as we strolled in the park and talked about various subjects it felt I could let my guard down. He was interested in my views on life, psychology, even politics. Then as we were walking we saw what appeared to be a huge family get-together. There were about sixty or seventy Hispanic people of various ages all gathered around picnic tables covered with food, and kids playing around the tables.
Matt commented, “Strange how many people have forgotten how wonderful big families can be.” I said I agreed and he suddenly asked, “Really? How do you feel about kids?” I looked away and contemplated how to answer that and decided to reply, “I would love to have kids. I was raised an only child and such, but it seems everyone I have dated in the last three or four years would like to hang a ‘no kids allowed’ sign around my neck as a prerequisite to my being with them.” Matt looked at me, with a disappointed face, and commented, “That’s really a shame. First, you seem to want a family of your own and second you are bright, attractive and healthy – you should definitely be having children.” I didn’t respond immediately, looking at some of the children playing, but then it hit me! Mark appeared to think the way I did on eugenics! I joked, “You better watch out, someone might accuse you of being politically incorrect!” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I couldn’t care less what people think!” Maybe just to tease him I asked, “So, you feel smart and attractive people like us should have lots of children to make the world a better place?” He laughed and picked up a rock. He tossed it into the water and replied, “Yes, I think God wants people to have families. Maybe too many people who are bright actually skip having children so they can advance in their careers.” I sighed and replied, “Yeah, and then the overweight and less intelligent wind up having all the kids.” Matt looked at me funny and stated, “I wouldn’t say they shouldn’t have kids. I know a couple in my church. They are both pretty average, and yes they are on the heavy side, but they both yearn so much for a family. I feel sad they can’t have kids.”
Melanie's Awakening Page 20