On another note I had to admit that I was amused by his use of the term girlfriend. I was certain in his world it meant someone you hung out with, went shopping with – not someone you exchanged vows with under a towering oak if you too were a girl, and certainly not someone you were physically romantic with. While some people might find his more traditional outlook out-dated I found myself attracted to him even more for possessing those attitudes – coupled with his openness and tolerance however.
It was a nice evening. Matt surprised me when he asked if I might consider coming over and staying at his sister’s place. I still feared some synaptic connection firing and her remembering when we had last encountered each other. I said, I am perfectly willing to stay here the hotel, especially since I figure your sister might think something might happen if we were together in her home.” He then asked if it would be okay if he slept in and met me sometime around eleven – and he would stop by the mall and get my ring. I said it would be okay. Besides, I needed to call and cancel my operation and that would be a good time to do it. I could also check my e-mail.
Matt suggested, “Hey Melanie, shall I take you to the ocean tomorrow?” Of course I said I would love to. He dropped me off at my hotel and kissed me good night and said, “I hope you are enjoying the time we are spending together.” He turned to leave through the door but I called to him, “Come back here!” He turned and as he returned I threw my arms around him in a passionate embrace and asked, “Does this prove anything?” and then I kissed him with all the energy I could tap into. It had been a long day but I still had something left in me. He returned the intensity and I could feel his left hand begin to move from around my shoulder towards my chest. I was wondering if this was the night, but just as his hand was almost in a very intimate area he abruptly stopped and gave me a quiet, almost inaudible, “Sorry.” I merely took a deep breath and asked, “So you will be here at 11am sharp, right?” He nodded his head and as he again turned to leave I joked, “You’ll be sorry if you are late.”
That evening I felt like things were moving along nicely with Matt. Yet upon his departure I felt very alone. I collapsed on the bed and thankfully was able to fall asleep. The next morning I awoke early and went to the main lobby to check my e-mail. The only thing I had received was a little card from Nicole, “Love you and miss you a lot” was all it said with a gorgeous backdrop of a granite mountain. I sighed and wondered what I was going to do. I searched for a romantic card to send to her that assured her of my longing for her presence.
Matt called as I was eating some chips and asked me if I had any fancy clothes. I said I did and he asked me to bring them with me. Then he said, “Wait, just pack all your things and we will stay overnight at the coast, in a place called Hoquiam, if you would like to do that.” I replied, “That would be wonderful!” He instructed me, “Okay then! Just check out and drive over to my sister’s place to pick me up. You remember how to get there?” I told him I would see him at 11am in front of her house. I actually liked the idea of driving this time and was quickly out the door.
I headed to Matt’s sister’s place and he met me in his sister’s driveway. I was unsure how to act at that moment when he approached me as I had no idea who might be watching through a window. He did not seem to care though since he picked me up in his arms and gave me a kiss before even saying hello. We both laughed and I opened up the trunk so he could put his things in. In a matter of minutes we were off! Matt would guide me along on my mystery journey.
While in the car our conversation took a rather interesting turn. Matt asked if I thought he was old. I replied, “A person is as old as the activities he does for fun.” I pointed to some young, overweight guys waiting for a bus and asked, “So who will live longer, you or them?” He laughed and commented, “I sure hope I live longer than them!” I replied, “I hope the same. See? Age is not the most important factor in a relationship, is it?”
When the light turned red some kids were crossing the street. I asked, “Matt, I know religion is important to you, but I was wondering, would you ever consider someone if they loved the things you loved, and wanted a family but was not interested in your church?” He took a deep breath and answered, “Of course I would like anyone I loved to be part of my life in every respect, but I would not want to control them in such a personal way.” I liked that answer but I could tell the question had made him a bit uncomfortable, so I immediately changed the subject.
It was easy to engage in conversation with Matt, although we both seemed to compete for dominance – it was a friendly competition though. He told me more about his life and I told him more about mine. We teased each other about anything and everything. After about an hour and a half he asked if we could pull over to the side of the road.
I welcomed the opportunity to stretch out my muscles since they were quite sore from the previous day of running. After I got out of the car Matt took out his camera and asked if we could hike a couple of minutes. I eagerly accepted. Soon we came to a little stream, it was a bright day but there was so much moss that shadows dominated, with only little rays of light glimmering through the natural green ceiling. It was silent except for the little babbling of the water. Then Matt asked me to stand still as he took my picture. “There!” he commented, “I want to remember this moment!” I asked, “And what is so special bout this moment?” to which he replied, “Well, this is the occasion that I first told you I love you.” I felt an intense rush of excitement run through my mind, body and soul! I immediately replied, “I love you too!” Then I said something without thinking, something that could have potentially caused me great regret, “Matt, never, ever abandon me!” He took my hand, “I promise you and I are inseparable.” He then put his camera on a stump, programmed a delayed picture and ran over to me so we could pose together. I appreciated that our special moment was frozen in time.
We drove off and soon came to a large bay and some small towns. The bright day quickly was dimmed by the blanket of fog coming in from the ocean. The smell of the sea breeze suddenly reminded me of time in high school that Nicole, Daniel, Mark and I spent the day at the beach – this time, however, I had not spent a night executing a bully so I was far more awake.
Matt showed me a picture of a large Victorian-style bed and breakfast he had copied from the internet. “Shall we stay here this evening?” I touched my hand to his cheek and smiled approvingly. I read off the directions and we soon arrived at the hotel. It was just as in the picture except in real life it had the look of a haunted mansion with the fog enveloping the surroundings. When we went to the desk we were informed that there was only one room left – Matt’s body language betrayed his anxiety but I quickly said, “Hey, I like this place, I promise to control myself” as I put my arm around his waist. He quickly told the clerk we would take the room.
Once we entered our room it was as if we stepped into some time vortex to the 19th Century, well, except for the TV that was there. There was only one bed but it was quite large. I walked over to the windows and pulled the drapes back but the fog would make any view of the water impossible. I commented, “There’s a dark atmosphere today, I rather like it.” Matt responded, “I do as well. Shall we go check out the beach?”
On the way out Matt asked at the lobby about places to go to dinner in the evening. The clerk gave him some cards and we were off – well, first to find someplace for lunch. After a bite to eat we got in the car and soon came to a sign for “Copalis Beach.” I pulled off without even asking.
The fog was dissipating as we walked along the beach. We looked around for things that might have washed up from the high tide, as well as just splashing in the water. As a child my mother never took me to the ocean yet I had a fondness for the life force one could feel there. I never wanted to be away from it.
Matt and I continued our stroll – taking time out to build a sand castle, compete for who could find the most interesting sea shells, and occasionally just hold onto each other. On one of the mor
e quiet occasions I noticed him looking out over the horizon and wondered if he was thinking about his previous life in Japan, or of his dead wife. I wondered again about sharing a life with him knowing he had a place in his heart for another woman. It was ironic that I did as well. I guess that gave us something in common, except my lover was still alive.
When we arrived back at the car I noticed his hair of all things – it was funny how the wind had made it almost appear Rastafarian. I ran my hand through the tangles and joked about it. He did likewise to me and said maybe I had the right idea with short hair. He playfully brushed his hand on my head and then we both went silent and looked into each other’s eyes. We then embraced and I held him as tight as I could. In that moment I felt both vulnerable and safe in his arms. I wished the moment could last forever but then he whispered, “I have something special for you.” as he reached in his pocket. He then pulled out a little box and handed it to me. When I opened it to my pleasant surprise it was a beautiful gold engagement ring!
I was speechless as Matt said, “Well, I hope you like it!” It was beautiful, white gold with three diamonds and with a design that looked like the Celtic overlay of Nicole’s ring, but different – very unique. “It’s a traditional Scandinavian design. I wanted something special for you. I decided on it the night we met up on Tuesday, but then I had hesitated when I saw your friendship ring. Yet something told me to go ahead and get it – after I found your right size of course.”
I loved the ring and quickly put it on my finger. I held my hand up and focused first on it, and then on Matt. I smiled and asked, “So, you really feel like you can put up with me? I hope you won’t regret this.” He replied, “I am absolutely certain we were made for each other!” I took his hand in mine and smiled, “Well, then I accept!” We hugged and I sighed, “I am going to like my new name Melanie Lindberg.”
We returned to the hotel and I asked if I could get in the shower first. While I was in there I couldn’t help but marvel at the irony. I had been lonely most of my life and had my doubts of ever finding anyone special and here I was – engaged to two different people at the same time! Suddenly I laughed as I considered I could easily be featured on some crazy talk show – of course, I could also be featured on a crime documentary if certain facts were known. I figured I could sort things out in the future. At that moment it was Matt and I – our special time and nothing was going to get in the way of it.
I was so glad I had brought my red gown. He put on a black suit and tie, and we went to a candlelight dinner – a fish dinner in a nice restaurant overlooking the bay. We were extremely overdressed but I liked standing out, and apparently he did as well.
We arrived back at our room somewhat late. Then the whole issue of the bed came up. He said he could sleep on the couch but I assured him again he had nothing to fear. Still, I found his modesty somewhat ironic as he excused himself to change into his running sweats – I mean we had seen each other nude in the springs, but perhaps it had been safer in such a public place.
That evening I had a hard time falling asleep, harder than usual as I lay there next to Matt. I did not want this moment to end but I knew Nicole was a part of my life, and I could not just abandon her. Still the feelings I had at that moment seemed to testify to me that Matt was in my life to stay. Suddenly I was hit with a certain sense of fear as I asked myself, “What are you thinking Melanie? Nicole has killed at least one person who she actually once loved and almost certainly someone else who had loved me. And what was to stop her now?” What could I do? Dump Matt for his own safety? No, I wanted him and that was not an option. Maybe I only had one choice. The idea that came into my head was disturbing, but it would solve the dilemma of being engaged to two people at once. At that thought I moved over towards Matt and fell into an uneasy sleep.
Perhaps an hour later I woke up and discovered his arm around me. I felt safe, yet I wondered if he would feel the same if he knew everything in my life, and what I might have to do in the future. I slowly turned to look at Matt, and as I stared at him, again thinking of how innocent he really was, his eyes opened. We just looked at each other in the dim light coming in through the curtains. He put his hand on my neck and caressed me and then touched my lips. I kissed his finger and then opened my mouth and playfully took it between my teeth to see if he would pull back – and when he didn’t, I started to gently play with it with my tongue. It was then that we both knew what we wanted and embraced each other – allowing all inhibitions to be totally abandoned.
I was not sexually inexperienced, far from it, I had just never been intimate with a man and it seemed really odd to me that I was fearful of how to go about it. Yet I just let my instincts carry me through. I was used to being in the lead with Nicole but this was different, it was more shared, a passionate connection between two souls – equals in every respect, but different. When the moment came in which I knew I would no longer be a virgin the thought ran through my mind that I was glad it was with him and not some guy who was either a domineering imbecile or someone scared to commit. I gladly gave myself over to him in every respect. That night was a transition in a sense, a beautiful moment of ecstasy, but in the early hours of the morning, as we both held each other and Matt fell asleep, I felt the odd desire to call Nicole and be able to tell her of my new experience. I wondered what I was thinking – Nicole was my lover, yet she was also my best friend. I was in a state of confusion as I drifted into a deep sleep.
The next morning I woke up and prodded Matt. He turned over and put his arm around me and just said, “Good morning, I, well, last night…I hope you do not think I took advant…” I interrupted him by clamping my hand over his mouth, as I suspected what he would say next, “If you dare apologize for what we shared you may just discover you aren’t engaged to some fragile little girl.” I released him and we laughed, before repeating the events of the previous night for the remainder of the morning hours.
When we finally did decide to get out of bed I said I asked if I could take my shower first. He asked, “You think we could fit in together?” I wanted some time alone to think about the events of the past 24 hours. So I answered, “We need to get ready for lunch – maybe this evening?” I climbed in the shower and reflected on the concept that I was no longer a virgin in any sense. I felt a little disappointed I suppose as I had prided myself on having never been with a man. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely! Maybe I would not have if it had been with any other man but Matt though. Beyond the aspect of physical attraction and intimacy our bond was deeper – encompassing the cerebral and spiritual. I wanted to be with him again…and as I looked down on my ring I smiled and contemplated a lifetime as his wife. Yet could I be committed to him completely and exclusively? The thought did not feel right. I would feel incomplete without Nicole as well. Yet how could I live such a life? Even if I merely put Sara’s probable demise behind me I was certain Matt, with his religious ideals, would never dream of allowing his wife to have a female lover. And as for Nicole, I was pretty certain she would, as she had said earlier at the beach, rip the head off anyone who competed for my attention. Maybe there was a downside to my experiences with Matt. No matter which way my life went in the future I was going to feel cheated out of an aspect of my sexuality. Maybe I incapable of an exclusive relationship with any single individual and was now painfully aware of the complications I had set in motion. And even if it became necessary to carry out what I was contemplating with Nicole, I was certain I could not be faithful, even to Matt as much as the idea appealed to me.
Matt had come into the bathroom as I got out of the shower. As he handed me my towel he asked, “You look worried. Is everything okay?” I nodded my head and tossed the towel aside. I sighed, “I’m okay, I was just thinking that we didn’t use protection. What would you do if I wound up pregnant?” He embraced me and asked, “Shotgun wedding?” I laughed and replied, “I wouldn’t mind, but maybe we should go find a beautiful coastal hiking trail and explore it together. Maybe we can fin
d a place and increase the chances of that ‘shotgun wedding’ you promised!” We seemed on the same wavelength. I believed he was sincere that he would marry me if our romantic moments led to a baby. In fact, once we did find a gorgeous trail we wound up talking about our future, our goals, everything. The only thing we disagreed on was where our ideal living place would be. Oh, and one other thing. I told him, “Look Matt, while I love to discuss spiritual matters from an intellectual sense, and while I really like a lot of things about your religion, I will never join unless I could actually feel something towards God. I just want you to know that from the start.” He seemed a little disappointed as he looked out towards the ocean and said, “I promise never to try to convert you.” At that I took his hand and commented, “Matt, there is one thing. I really would love my children to grow up and turn out as well as your nieces and nephews. I want you to promise that you will make sure our kids are raised in your religion.” At that he seemed positively joyful!
The next several days were filled with hope and romance. It was like living in a dream – we even set a date, sort of, for New Year’s Eve! It was only a little over three months away but I was sure this was going to work out. He insisted on the wedding taking place in Salt Lake near most of his family. He also said he would give in on where to live and that we could make Portland our home.
The only thing in the way, a nagging question that haunted me almost every moment of what should have been total bliss, was the issue of Sara and Nicole. I had checked the internet every day of our trip and not one letter from Sara. It was now coming up on almost a month and no sign. On Saturday, in fact, I received a letter from Sara’s father informing me that they had submitted a missing person’s report to the Seattle Police Department and they finally agreed to investigate Sara’s disappearance. He even said they had told them that we were best friends, but had not told them we were lovers. He said I might get a call in the near future. I panicked! My life could come apart in so many ways now, the irony being I could wind up implicated in Sara’s disappearance. I thought about what would happen if Nicole were found out to be the killer, some piece of evidence left behind, some clue that would spell her doom. That would make my life so much easier if she were in jail – no threat to Matt after all, but perhaps a threat to me if she informed them of the killings we had done together.
Melanie's Awakening Page 27