by Cate Corvin
He was here. He was safe. A little sooty and frazzled, but here. My arms were around him, holding him just as tightly. A little too tightly, judging by the wheeze he let out.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Sawyer,” I said, relaxing my grip. I moved to release him, but he only clutched me tighter against his chest.
“Hell no. You’re staying right here until I convince myself you’re really alive and in one piece.”
Any other time, I would have been fine with that. Enjoyed it even, the chance to feel him pressed so firmly against his amazing body. Instead, the moment of relief faded quickly and I just needed to be free. Free and alone. No domineering men or gargoyles shadowing me. I needed to feel like a person again. My arms dropped to my side.
“I can’t.” He went stiff for a brief second before his own arms fell away and we were just standing in front of one another. When I looked up to meet his eyes, they were so tightly shuttered that I had no chance of seeing even the smallest hint of his emotion. Thank god for that jaw. The clench and the rhythmic tick told me just how hurt he was by those two simple words.
“I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s not you, I swear. I just… after everything, I need some time, and the assholes upstairs weren’t willing to give it to me. So I snuck out and I have to get the hell out of here before they come and drag me back up to that fucking penthouse.”
“Go.”
“I’m sorry?” I couldn’t have heard him right.
“Go, before we’re overrun by those stony bastards. I’ll go up and distract them so you can have a few minutes to yourself.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Because you need it. You know I’d do anything for you. Anything you need.”
The conviction in his voice made my throat close up and the back of my eyes burn, so I nodded shakily in lieu of thanking him. I rose up on my toes, pressed a brief kiss to his lips, but when I tried to back away, he held me back.
“Wait, take this.” He shrugged out of his jacked and draped it around me, pulling it closed around me to cover my filthy, ruined clothes. A quick dip of his head to brush his lips on my forehead, then he spun me around and gave me a gentle push toward the door.
I didn’t look back.
One Month After the Fire
It was like the first day of high school all over again. I smoothed the front of my uniform, checked my badge and name plate. Double checking the epaulettes on my shoulders and making sure my shoes were still tied, I pushed open the door that led to the bullpen.
As I crossed the threshold into the bustling room, a row of dominoes toppled in my direction. Starting with the officer closest to me, heads turned in quick succession, a hush falling over the space.
I’d expected this. I’d known it was coming, but it still made my skin crawl and my palms start to sweat. It wasn’t the attention so much as the pitying looks that were unsettling. It was what I’d been afraid of as the day of my return to work drew closer and closer. I’d been ready to go back long before then, not nearly as devastated by the loss of my ex-fiancé—or fiancé as far as everyone else was concerned—as I should have been.
Thanks to regs, I’d been forced to wait thirty days after the death of a partner in the line of duty before I was cleared by the department shrink to return. Each day had dragged endlessly as I itched to don my uniform and head out to the streets. Now that I was here, though, I missed the comfort and solitude of my new apartment. It was shabby and undecorated, but it was mine, and free from assessing eyes.
“Sterling.” My gaze snapped to the door of the Captain’s office, and I was glad to have somewhere safe to look. I couldn’t meet the stares of my fellow officers, not without fear that they’d see inside me and know that I wasn’t sad about Josh’s passing. The captain crooked two fingers, beckoning me forth.
Head high—because I had nothing to be ashamed of, right? —I strode to his office, stepping inside and closing the door behind me.
“Sir.”
“Have a seat, Officer.” Captain Colton Raymond took his own seat behind his desk, leaning back in the leather seat and steepling his fingers beneath his chin.
I sat right on the edge of the seat, back ramrod straight. There were only a few reasons that we were typically called into his office, and since I hadn’t done anything particularly meritorious as of late, his silent assessment didn’t bode well.
“How are you holding up, Sterling?”
The question was innocuous, even a bit perfunctory, but I could understand that. We had never been closer than the captain/officer relationship dictated, so his interest was on a purely professional level.
“I’m fine, sir. Ready to get back to work.”
“Are you?”
“Absolutely.”
“I know you and Aberdeen were more than partners. There’s nothing wrong with you needing a little more time to get your head around things.” He sat forward, elbows propped on the desk. “Zara. Don’t ignore what happened. Don’t bottle it up and come back before you’re ready. Having your heart broken can be just as bad as taking a bullet to it.”
Wow. That was the first time he’d ever called me by my first name, and there was nothing but sincerity in his expression. It made me feel worse than ever.
“Thank you, Captain Raymond. Truly. But I mean it, I’m good. I took the time off to get myself together and I’m more than ready to return to duty.”
He assessed me and I did my best to hold my posture and keep the neutral expression on my face. A smile seemed wrong, but I also didn’t want him to think I looked too morose. That would only lend credence to his suggestion that I wasn’t ready.
After an eternal moment, he gave me a sharp nod and lifted a sheaf of papers from his desk. “You’ve been assigned a new partner. Officer Sawyer Hawkins. Do you know him well?”
“No, sir, but we’ve been introduced.”
“Any problems I should know about?”
“None, sir.”
“Alright. Your psych eval says you’re cleared for duty, and I don’t have any reason not to allow you back on your beat, so you’re free to go. Officer Hawkins has your new assignment and will catch you up on anything pertinent. Dismissed.”
“Thank you, Captain.” I rose and turned to leave, but his words stopped me as my hand outstretched for the doorknob.
“We’re all here for you, Zara. You aren’t the only one who lost him, so anything you need, you let us know.”
I didn’t turn to meet his eye. I couldn’t, because of everything, that was what threatened to make me cry. Knowing that my precinct family was there for me, no matter what.
“I will, sir.” I was out of his office with the door pulled shut behind me before he could say anything else.
The same hush didn’t fall over the assembled officers as I exited Captain Raymond’s office as when I’d entered, but there were still plenty of eyes on me. Some were pitying, some were curious, but either way, I wanted out from under their scrutiny. I searched the crowd for Sawyer’s blond head, but instead found yet another stare fixed on me.
This one was calculating.
“Hey, Sterling. Glad to have you back.” Jake Selter walked up and placed a hand on my shoulder.
It took effort not to shake it off. I’d never really cared for him, despite his closeness to Josh. Hell, maybe because of that closeness. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was about him that rubbed me the wrong way, but any time we interacted, I walked away with my skin crawling.
“Thanks, Selter. Appreciate it.”
“I’m gonna go talk to the captain, see if I can get assigned as your new partner.”
Wait, what? What that fuck for?
“Um, what about Moretti? You guys have been partners forever.”
“Yeah, but I gotta watch out for you. Can’t have Joshie’s girl out there without someone watching her back.”
“Thanks, but, uh, I’ve already been reassigned. Cap paired me with Hawkins.”
; A dark look crossed his face, and the hand on my shoulder tightened to the point of discomfort. I still refused to flinch away. I wouldn’t give him that kind of power over me, no matter how small and inconsequential it seemed.
“That’s bullshit, I’ll fix it. Hawkins won’t have your back like me, I know what you meant to Josh—”
“No.” The word was sharp, and louder than absolutely necessary, given the eyes that turned our way. “No, it’s fine. I’ll work with Hawkins. Besides, I don’t want Moretti on my ass when he’s partnered up with some rookie.”
Jake’s eyes went hard, the muscle in his jaw tight as he gritted his teeth. “If that’s what you want, Sterling.”
“Thanks for the concern, Selter. I appreciate it, really.” I reached forward and patted his shoulder, mirroring the hold he still had on me, then stepped to the side to get around him. It forced him to drop his hand, and I tried not to let my relief show too obviously as I crossed the rest of the space to reach Hawkins.
I’d spotted him during Jake’s horrible partner proposal, and as I drew closer, I noticed a furrow between his brows, marring his normally jovial expression.
“Howdy there, pardner,” I greeted him, my best—but still completely awful—country twang making him grin.
“Well, shucks, ain’t you a sight for sore eyes, little lady!” His accent was no better, and we were both chuckling in seconds. This. This was what I’d missed. The camaraderie of a partner without all the underlying complications. “Ready to head out? I’ll fill you in once we’re in the unit.”
“Yeah, let’s hit it.” I let him lead the way out of the precinct to where his patrol car was parked. The one I’d shared with Josh had been damaged in the fire, but I didn’t want to think about it. Before we reached the door, Selter caught my eye where he stood next to the water cooler. No cup in hand, not reaching for one, just standing there.
Staring.
My blood chilled at the naked animosity in his eyes, and I could only thank every deity in existence that I hadn’t been paired with him. I didn’t know what the hell his deal was, but I had no desire to find out, either.
Hawkins and I climbed into the car and he turned down the radio, squawking with calls other officers would be responding to. It only threw into stark contrast just how quiet the radio had been that night with Josh. Sure, it had been the middle of the night, but that’s when we were usually the busiest. But we’d only gotten that one call. One we were already so close to…
“Alright, they’ve got us headed to the upper west side for now, but that might change now that you’re back. I’ve been solo, so they’ve kept me in areas with simpler calls I could handle alone.”
“Why haven’t you been assigned a partner before now?”
He raked a hand through his hair, the movement making his uniform sleeves go tight around his biceps. Damn, those were some impressive—
Nope. Hell fucking no, Zara! Did you learn nothing?
Clearly not. But then again, this wasn’t anything new. I’d found Sawyer attractive since the day he joined our precinct, something Josh was aware of and never let me forget. I would never have pursued him while I was engaged to another man, but Josh didn’t seem to grasp that fact, throwing Sawyer in my face at every opportunity.
“I, uh… I talked to the captain while you were gone. They tried to partner me with Branson, but I asked if they’d wait until you came back and pair us up.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I could ask questions, try to find out what his motive had been, but I didn’t think I was really ready for those answers.
“Oh. Okay.” I remained facing forward, but I could see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. Once again, it took me back to that night, when Josh had been the one in the driver’s seat, staring daggers at me as he spewed his vitriol. Sawyer, on the other hand, had a faint blush going and was trying to hide the fact that he was gauging my reaction to his announcement.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat and started the engine. It sputtered a bit before it turned over and roared to life. Good ol’ department-issued vehicles. “So, uh, let’s get going then.”
“Alright.” Damn, I felt so bad. He clearly didn’t know what to make of my silence, and I didn’t want to get us off on the wrong foot. I needed to lighten the mood before it became a thing. “Let’s saddle up and ride, pardner.”
When I glanced over to meet his eye, the grin on his face was genuine, alight with mischievous humor. He tipped a non-existent hat in my direction. “Yes, ma’am.”
The next few months were blissful. Sawyer and I grew closer every day, working in tandem like we’d been born for it. Each tiny bump in our road was easily smoothed over with a simple conversation. No screaming matches and name calling, just honest communication.
Nothing like a great partner to drive home the fact that your dead one truly was a piece of shit.
We didn’t hit our first real divide until the day we got a call about an active shooter at an office building on our beat. Sawyer acknowledged the call and I steered our vehicle toward the scene. I hopped out like I would any other day, going for the trunk, but Sawyer was in front of me in a flash.
“Stay back, secure the perimeter and I’ll head inside.”
Had we been the first on the scene, I may have capitulated and allowed him to run into danger while I stayed outside—despite how that worked out for me in the past—but there was already another duo on crowd control. There was no reason we both shouldn’t get a closer look and assess the situation, then get in there to take down our intended target once backup arrived. From what we knew so far, it appeared to be a disgruntled employee who wanted to have a “chat” with the boss who’d fired him.
“They’ve got it, let’s get into position and see exactly what we’re dealing with.”
“There are a lot of gawkers, Sterling, they could use the help.”
I surveyed the crowd, confused. There was a group of pedestrians taking in the situations, phones out and pointed toward the building, but nothing that merited extra crowd control yet. Other cars would be responding soon and they could assist as needed.
“It’s good, Hawkins, come on—”
“Zara!” Sawyer snapped my name so sharply that I whipped around to face him. “I’ve. Got. This. Just stay out here, alright?”
Oh, hell no. He wasn’t about to start giving me orders. I’d had a partner like that, and I’d be damned if I ever had to suffer through another one.
“Not gonna happen. There are people in there, and the longer we wait out here arguing, the longer they’re in danger. We have a job to do, so let’s fucking do it.” The last was said through a clenched jaw as I struggled to maintain my comportment. This wasn’t the time, but he was absolutely going to get cussed out later.
“You could get hurt, Zar,” he insisted, voice softening as his gaze filled with concern. “I can’t be worried about you and any innocent people in there.”
My heart twisted in my chest. I knew exactly what he meant. I would be on edge thinking about his safety, too, but that was par for the course with partners. We put our lives on the line for each other every time we went out on a call. This was no different.
“We’ve had the same training, Hawkins. If you’re equipped to go in there, so am I. Now quit fucking around and let’s do this before someone innocent gets hurt.”
He looked like he was about to argue with me, but I didn’t give him the chance, upholstering my weapon and taking up a position beside the door. He was either going to come with me and follow protocol, helping me sweep and evacuate until we reached the floor where the shooter was, or he was going to stand there being an ass while I did it alone. Either way, I wouldn’t have any innocents’ blood on my hands.
He got into place on the other side of the doorway, locked eyes with me and gave me a tight nod. Shutting off my thoughts about his sudden change of heart and the trickle of trepidation that flowed down my spine, I went on autopilot and raised my w
eapon.
We made quick work of the lower floors, only coming across two people who’d taken refuge in a supply closet off the main hall. Other units had been hot on our heels, so there were other officers behind us to guide them out to safety beyond the barricades.
When we crested the landing of the ninth floor, we could hear a man shouting from the other side of the door of JPJ Insurance. A frightened squeak sounded afterward, so there was at least one hostage inside with him. We hadn’t had time for more than our Kevlar, so I had a clear view of Sawyer’s grim-set face. Whatever he was feeling, he’d tamped it down and was completely in the moment, which set my mind at ease. If we were all gonna make it out of here alive, we had to keep our heads in the game.
I signaled to him to hold his position and turned up my radio just enough that I could hear if we were being hailed. A quick, hushed conversation and we knew that SWAT was still about ten minutes out, and our instructions were to hold tight and not engage.
Sawyer nodded his affirmation that he’d heard the order as well, and he lowered his weapon. In the grand scheme of things, ten minutes was nothing. In a high-pressure situation like this one? An eternity. It gave the mind too much time to wander, to imagine the worst possible outcomes—
The shouting beyond the door escalated, drawing my attention with laser focus. It was faint at first, but I could hear it… a second voice. This one was calm, firm where what I assumed to be the shooter’s voice was frantic and pitchy. Despite the second man’s soothing tone, the shooter got louder and louder until one look at Sawyer told me the same thing.
There’d be no waiting for SWAT.
He gestured that he’d go high, and I nodded my assent, taking a deep breath into my lungs and holding it. As I let it out, I reached for the doorknob. Sawyer swept his weapon into the doorway, eyes alert for the threat, but the shooter wasn’t in our eyeline. I did my own assessment and saw that every door stood open, save one at the toward the back of the room.