He was tucking his white shirt in and had the most boring tie I’d ever seen hanging over his shoulders. He explained, “I need to wear this, you’re not the only one who needs to be seen. My boss is going to think I’m just hanging out and partying with you guys if there aren’t some pictures of me in full work mode.” His brow wrinkled a little. “How much do you think one of those Saudi jobs pays?”
Levi walked in and started digging through my closet. “Foster’s right, Rob. We’re going to have to smuggle the two of you onto campus, and it’ll only take about ten seconds for the crowd out front to figure out you’re Secret Service in that budget-rack suit.” He pulled out a pair of khakis and a rugby shirt and tossed them to me, and handed Rob a pink tie with bright green whales swimming across it. He looked on the rack hanging from the back of the closet door and handed him a baseball cap with an Apple logo on the front of it. “Lose the jacket and wear this stuff at least until we get to campus.”
Rob held the tie up and studied it. “This is so ugly it has to be expensive. Okay, I’ll wear this stuff until we’re through the gate, but after that I’ll have my shoulder holster and jacket on. I’m going downstairs to call the office and give them an update.”
I got dressed and Levi studied me. “You’re a little overdressed for Hawthorne, but it’s what the press will expect—I’m not going to make you wear an argyle sweater or anything. But you should wear a hat.” He pulled a John Deere cap off the rack and said, “Wear this, it reminds me of home and nobody on campus will recognize the brand. I’ll be here, I want to run some ideas by Sheldon.”
Spence and I split a joint and as we headed down the steps I washed one of Brent’s pills down with a bottle of water. When we got to the bottom of the steps Levi walked outside with Spence to grab his car from the parking lot. Rob stood next to me and was grinning from ear to ear while he studied himself in a mirror. “When I head home can I keep this tie, Foster? It’s starting to grow on me.”
I nodded as we cut through the dining room. “Sure Rob, you can keep it. If you like it that much you I can give you the pants that match it—they have little crabs and lobsters on them.”
“Sweet.”
We watched through the window as Spence backed his car up to the side entrance of the house and popped the trunk open. “Okay, Foster. Climb in and get comfortable.”
I looked at the trunk and shook my head. “No fuckin’ way.”
Levi nodded sternly at me and said, “Don’t make me have to babysit you on this trip, I need to stay here. And you need to be invisible. We’ll never get you past those reporters, you’re just too photogenic to not be noticed.” I smirked at Spence and he just pointed at the trunk.
I was curled up in the trunk checking text messages when the car came to a halt and I bounced off the spare tire. I squinted my eyes at the bright sun as Rob and Spence helped me to my feet. “I still don’t understand why I had to do that! There are about twenty other bros that look just like me, with a hat and a pair of sunglasses I would have been fine in the back seat.”
Rob smiled and patted me on the shoulder. “No doubt. But then we wouldn’t have had the fun of cramming you into that trunk.”
We walked through campus and Spence pointed out some of the more spectacular women to Rob. I was trying to stay focused on following the sidewalk without losing my balance and wondered if Brent could just hook me with an IV of whatever that last pill had in it.
Spence ducked into a building and came back out with Starbucks for each of us. He took a napkin and wiped the corner of my mouth. “You’re drooling just a little, Foster. Now let’s see if you can walk and sip this down before you get to class.”
Rob scanned the area around us. “I see a ton of hot girls, but I don’t see anybody taking pictures. That’s good, I’m not sure Levi would be thrilled to see pics of Foster stumbling like a homeless guy.”
Spence pointed around us. “If anything it just helps Jake blend in to the crowd. Look at the rest of these people wandering by us—they’re not exactly monks and nuns headed to church.”
When we got to the building where the class was held I realized just how I buzzed I was, and began to have my doubts about things in general. “Maybe we should just head back to the house. I mean, I can just watch the online lesson like I usually do. I don’t technically have to be in there.” They shook their heads and pointed at the front doors to the ancient looking brick and ivy hall that had been built two years ago. I walked in and immediately ducked into the men’s room.
Rob sounded stern and asked, “What the hell are you doing, Foster?”
I shook my head and unzipped, “What does it look like, between the water and coffee I’m about to bust.”
Spence said, “Well, that’s not a urinal, Bro. It’s a...potted plant.”
I looked over my shoulder and saw the urinals lined up behind me on the wall. “Right, I know. I was just...going green?”
Rob was leaning against a wall adjusting the shoulder holster under his jacket. Spence was at the sink running wet fingers through his hair and basically admiring himself in the mirror. I splashed some water on my face and tucked the John Deere cap in my backpack. “Let’s get this over with. Maybe I’m not thinking clearly, but doesn’t it seem a little odd that the only class I’m goin’ to this week is political science? A lot of these people might be payin’ attention to the campaign or whatever, we might be playing to a relatively hostile crowd.”
Spence looked at me and shook his head. “If this scandal didn’t involve your father and Megan would you be paying attention to the campaign or the news?”
We wandered down the hall and Spence pointed out the right classroom. As soon as we walked in he pulled me down into a seat in the back and joined me. Rob took a position right behind me, standing like a statue with his hands crossed over the front of his pants. “Yeah,” I looked at the other students staring at us. “I’m sure nobody’s going to notice the three of us.”
Rob whispered down to me, “I thought somebody said there were a hundred people in this class. The class is kind of crowded, but there’s only room for about twenty people.”
Spence nodded. “It must be a really popular class. Only five people showed up at my last physics class.”
A guy wearing a denim shirt stretched over his gut, brown corduroys, and a campaign button with the Democratic candidate’s name pinned to his PETA cap walked up to the podium at the front of the little room. “Grad student,” Spence and I moaned in unison.
I felt hopeful when he dimmed the lights and the flat screen behind him came to life. All hope was lost when my father and Megan appeared larger than life and began babbling to the press. “This,” our unbiased instructor began, “is probably the single happiest moment in American politics. That one party could be destroyed by the uncontrollable sexual urges of two complete morons clearly demonstrates the weaknesses inherent in the current form of American government. In order for this country to succeed we need sweeping reforms that will return the government to the people and end the tyrannical rule of the financial elite. Ninety-Nine Percenters should be able to take back control—”
“Excuse me,” a guy in the middle of the room spoke up. “But how, exactly, is this going to cause government reform?” The guy’s voice sounded a little familiar but I couldn’t see his face. I could make out a little curly black hair below a baseball cap and a pair of wide shoulders covered by an Under Armor long-sleeved tee, but that didn’t really narrow down who he was very much. “If people decide they can’t trust a guy who lets his daughter screw around with some power junkie who thinks with his cock, and the public votes him out of office, doesn’t that actually prove the system works?” There were a few murmurs of agreement but grad-student guy looked pissed.
He clenched the podium and I saw his knuckles turn white. “As the only expert in this room on politics and government I can tell you people you’re just being naive. All of the politicians at that level are corrupt, and the only
way the average American will thrive is if we get rid of our current outdated constit—”
“But wait,” the guy in the middle of the room argued, “if they’re all corrupt can you explain that button on your hat?” He turned his head to the side and I realized it was Phillip.
Grad guy hesitated and pointed at the TV behind him. “Let’s stay focused on this current...scandal that’s happening. As it stands now, this guy running for VP, he...”
The wanna-be communist behind the podium kept blabbering like he was lecturing a stunned middle-aged woman wearing a fur coat, and all the chemicals in my blood stream let me shut him out and focus on the frozen picture of Megan and my father behind him. Megan’s face was beaming and my father looked like he was standing in wet concrete. When I looked at my father’s image up there I really wasn’t sure what I felt. I felt some sympathy for him because I understood how your hormones could lead you down some unexpected paths. I wondered how someone who was so close to having everything he ever wanted could throw it all away for something he wouldn’t be able hang on to. It was like being on a game show and choosing the box full of candy instead of the new car you needed. He didn’t look all that thrilled but he seemed hopeful. Suddenly the screen went blank and the lights in the room came back on.
“...so,” the guy at the podium was still droning on, “without a viable vice presidential candidate on the ticket what will happen next?” The room was quiet except for people tapping texts or lightly snoring. “I can tell you, you ignorant, naive, spoiled spawn of the elite, what will happen next. The President won’t be able to move forward without a vice-presidential candidate on the ticket, he’s ruined.”
Spence kicked me in the shin when I spoke up. “Hey, PETA head, what the fuck are you talkin’ about? I checked my syllabus this morning and according to it we should be talking about the Bill of Rights—you should be teaching the subject I’m paying you to teach. I may not show up here in person a lot, but I’ve watched every webinar and taken the weekly quizzes. If you’d like to sit down I’d be happy to teach this class for you. It seems like you’d rather be preaching out in front of the friggin’ student union, anyway.” Rob was tapping me on the back of my head with his knuckles and Spence was stomping on my foot. “If I wanted to hear political talking points for either side I’d listen to Rush Limbaugh or James Carville. Rush may be talking as a conservative but he is free to listen to on the radio. If I pay 75 grand to come here, and this class is one of five I’m taking, and this is only half of the school year, then I’m still paying 7500 for you to be a pretentious ass for three hours a week. I may be a little high, and I’m not that great at math, but that seems like a lousy return on my investment. And unlike a unionized public school, I can make a donation to this college, a check that wouldn’t put a dent in my bank balance, and have your ass put out on the street.” The camera phones were starting to turn in my direction so I wrapped things up. “You, Sir, are an absolute waste of my time.” Rob put a hand on my shoulder, he was so close behind me his belt buckle was tapping me in the back of my head. “And I might be a One Percenter, but I think the parents of middle-class folks should be pissed that they’re working extra jobs, saving and sacrificing, for their kids to be indoctrinated into either party instead of getting a good education. Ponder that, you douche.” Suddenly Rob had his hand on my collar and Spence was tugging on my belt, and I was yanked out the door.
We hustled outside and into a happier world. “I don’t think,” Spence said solemnly, “that he’s going to give you an ‘A’ for class participation.”
I dug into my backpack and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. I lit one with shaky fingers and looked around us. “Well, I don’t know about you two, but I think that went pretty well.” Rob and Spence nodded and we started back to the car.
Rob stared at me. “No, offense Foster, but you seem a little buzzed. Will you even remember that rant next week?”
“Sure! Well, maybe not. But I still stand by what I said.”
Phillip caught up with us and seemed to be at a loss for words. I shook his hand and introduced him to Rob and Spence. “You recognize Phillip, right Spence? He waited on us at breakfast the other morning.”
Spence looked at the guy and shrugged. “I guess so. Wait, the phone number in my fruit salad?” Phillip and I both turned a little red and Rob raised an eyebrow. “Right. So what’s the deal, do they let employees audit classes or did you just sneak in?”
I stomped on Spence’s foot and he took a step back. Phillip shook his head and said, “I’m a student here. I’m here on a wrestling scholarship, but to help cover costs I work part time for food services.”
Levi’s photographer walked up and asked us to pose in front of a statue of some old guy. I think he was the founder of the school but I couldn’t remember his name. I pulled Phillip into the picture and put him between me and Spence. We stood there, and smiled, and I tried to look sincere and innocent. The only bright spot was when Phillip gave me a shy grin that meant a lot to me, and then he wandered off.
After the photographer left, Spence checked his watch and handed me my phone. He told Rob, “I’ve got a seminar that starts in about fifteen minutes. It’s on money laundering and I really don’t want to miss it—it’ll give me and my dad something to talk about the next time I see him.”
Rob raised an eyebrow. “It’s none of my business—well I guess being a Secret Service agent it actually is—but is your dad in the mob or something?”
Spence shook his head. “Good guess, but no. He owns a brokerage firm. Anyway, Foster has water-polo practice and he needs to work off all of the beer and doughnuts he’s had in the last few days. Could you take him to that and we’ll meet here by the statue in an hour?”
I shook my head and said, “I really don’t need a baby sitter.”
Rob grabbed my arm and started pulling me away. “Don’t tell my boss that, I like it here. I don’t want to end up stuck with a former First Lady who gardens and goes on book tours.” He looked distressed and added, “Or decides to get into politics herself.”
We walked to the ancient natatorium and went down to the basement. The building was about fifty or sixty years old and the locker room was dank and dimly lit. Pipes ran all over the ceiling and up and down the walls, it was like the inside of a sub in a war movie. And every sound—the clank of a locker opening, a shower running, a cell phone ringing, guys talking—it all rang out and bounced off the old dingy tile. I opened my locker and started hanging up my clothes. Rob was sitting on the bench and staring at a guy toweling off at the other end of the row. I told Rob in a low whisper, “Stop staring at naked guys, Rob, unless you wanna start a fight.”
Rob whispered back, “He looks shady, you never know who’s a threat, Foster.”
“That’s probably what he’s thinking about you, dumbass.”
“Huh?” He stood up from the bench. “So, I guess I’ll just hang out in the bleachers or wherever until you’re done. I can check messages, maybe call my wife.”
I shook my head. “You’ll be the only guy who’s not in the pool. You’ll basically be sitting there alone staring at a bunch of guys in speedos.” I saw Jeff, the instructor, walking past the end of the lockers. “Hey, Jeff, what’s on the schedule for today?”
He looked at Rob, who was sitting there studying every clothed or butt-naked guy walking past. Jeff mumbled, “Yeah, we’re uh,...who’s that?” He shook his head. “Sorry, Foster. We’re just doing conditioning today. Yeah, just laps today, a bunch of guys are late for practice because of the clusterfuck at the gate. You know, because your...so, yeah. Just laps.”
I reached into the locker and pulled out another bathing suit. “There you go, Rob. You can join me in the pool. A few laps will be good for ya.”
He held up the speedo. “No fucking way. Not gonna happen.”
I nodded at him and he sighed and pulled his tie off.
When we got out to the pool there were a few guys already swimming laps.
“We’ll swim for about thirty minutes and then cut out.”
Rob looked panicked and was about to say something when Britt called out to us. “Foster! Rob! You escaped!” I gave her a hug while Rob stood there looking awkward and covering the front of his speedo with both hands. She turned to Rob and nodded. “That burn is getting better, but your face is still pretty red.” She turned back to me. “I’m meeting some of the sisters over in the practice pool, we’re working on a synchronized-swimming routine for some kind of recruiting podcast for the sorority.” She suddenly looked inspired. “Why don’t you two come join us! It’ll be a lot more fun than swimming laps!” She seemed really excited and was jumping up and down so fast I thought Rob was going to have a heart attack. I waved my hand in front of his eyes and he snapped out of it long enough to follow us to the other pool.
We stood at the edge of the pool and Rob elbowed me. “I should really be armed and watching over you. I have a problem with this, maybe I should go back down for my suit and gun.” He was staring at all the girls in the water and shaking his head.
“Just keep your hands over that thing until you get in the pool. You’ll be fine.”
“No, I mean I’m not the best swimmer.”
“This will be easy, Rob. It’s just treading water and shit, they don’t expect us to learn their whole routine. I thought you’d rather swim with them than a bunch of guys.” I dove in and joined the girls. He sat down on the edge of the pool and slowly lowered himself into the water, then he grinned at the girls and began heading toward us. I’d never seen anybody swim like that before, it looked like a crazed three-legged armadillo had fallen into a creek.
Britt stared at him as he struggled to keep his head above water. She asked, “Are you okay, Rob? You’re not having a seizure or anything, are you?” He shook his head and tried to follow Brittany’s instructions, but after about five minutes he gave up and flailed to the edge of the pool. He finally told us between fits of coughing water out of his lungs that he’d meet me in the locker room. He crawled away for about ten feet until he managed to get up on his feet.
Foster's Fall (Foster's Life) Page 9