Hunter was leaning against the edge watching Britt walk, too. He turned to Rob and said, “Just so you know, Bro, my door is locked. And I’ve burned all of my socks.”
I was dozing in my chair when something blocked the sun and I looked up to see Levi standing over us. “How’s everyone doing today? It looks like you’re handling your house arrest well, Foster.” He was wearing a navy blazer and khakis and sat at the foot of my chair with a sigh. “How’s your father? How did all of that go?”
I passed a joint over to Rob and he immediately handed it to Britt. He had been holding a towel in front of crotch ever since he got out of the pool, I had no idea where the gun was. I told Levi, “It was fine, it was...good to see him? We met some cool girls, had a few beers, nobody kidnapped me or tried to interview me or anything dramatic like that. It was just dinner with...friends and family. And Secret Service people. And riding in a trunk again.” Rob shrugged and gave Levi a thumbs up as he passed the joint back to me. “How are things on your end, Levi?”
“Just peachy, Foster. I’ve crushed so many phones and laptops that my workspace looks like a plastic recycling center. I’ve learned how to say ‘piss off’ and ‘no comment’ in twenty languages. I’ve got campus and town police threatening to turn fire hoses on the press out front—”
Quinn flexed his biceps and asked, “Can I give them a hand with that?” I nodded at him and looked at Levi for an answer.
“I wish. I called home to see if our crop-dusting pilot from back there could do a fly by with some pesticide, but he’s already on parole for doing that at the county fair. Our hands are tied, we can’t do anything to hurt Hawthorne’s image and the only way I think this is going to end is to throw Foster over the gate and let them feast on the poor dumb jock.” He looked at me and spoke like he was encouraging a chicken to lay an egg. “Ashley might be away for longer than I thought. I’m not sure how these things work but her voluntary ‘vacation’ has morphed into some kind of involuntary detention. The people at the ‘resort’ have signed some paperwork or something. I’ll be standing right up at the podium with you Foster, but you’re going to have to—”
Rob shook his head. “Not until I can coordinate things with my office, his father’s security people, the local law enforcement, and we have time to sweep the building for explosives or shooters.”
Quinn offered me a beer and I pounded it. “What the fuck? You think if I try to talk to the press somebody is going to assassinate me?” I stared at my so-called protectors and panicked a little.
“Not at all!” Levi said, “You’re not a government official or anything, I don’t think it would qualify as an ‘assassination’ or anything like that. It’s just murder, nothing special.”
Rob nodded. “He’s right, it’s pretty much a standard homicide. It’s not even a hate crime, I’m guessing.”
I looked around and a lot of people seemed to be paying attention to us. “Odds are I wasn’t going to make it out of Hawthorne alive anyway—”
“Ella’s one step away from proving that on paper,” Spence said.
I glared at everybody. “Okay, fine. But it’ll have to be after my test tomorrow, I’m not going to risk anything less than a ‘A’ in a course like 70’s history. And I hope you understand, Levi, that I have absolutely nothing to say to the press. I don’t have a dog in this hunt.”
He nodded, “The cow’s out of the barn, that’s for sure.”
Quinn looked at us and sounded impressed. “Are you two speaking in code. That’s kinda cool.”
I told Levi, “As long as we agree this will be a press conference about nothin’. They’re not going to ask anything I’m gonna fuckin’ answer the way they want or expect. And absolutely nothing of any value or substance or whatever, is going to be accomplished.”
Levi nodded, “Exactly, it’s a boilerplate press conference—you could do this in your sleep.”
Somebody passed me a joint and I sucked in about half of it. “That, Levi, is what I’m counting on.”
I dozed off again and when I woke up I heard Dave and Brittany arguing about who was going to put sunscreen on Rob’s back. I rolled over on to my stomach and held my phone in the shade to see who had left messages. Phillip had shot me a text saying he would be at the party and I felt hopeful. My father had sent me a text asking about the flight home and telling me they were on their way to France—something about the climate being better over there. I started to reply and I was lost, so I deleted it and knew he’d be calling after my press conference anyway. I hit the callback button when I saw my mother had called and she picked up on the second ring.
“How’s your father?” She asked.
“I think if he’s going to keep up with a twenty year old girlfriend he needs to start exercising more—that sounds bad, I mean—”
“I saw their press conference, she’s a wild one, no doubt. What are you doing?”
“Hanging out by the pool, it’s really nice here for this time of year.” Rob pointed at the phone and smiled. “My Secret Service agent says...hi.” He nodded while Britt and Dave were battling for unprotected skin on his back, his expression suggested he was close to a happy ending.
“Tell him I said...thanks for keeping you alive? Shouldn’t you be studying?”
“I’m about to head in to do...research, for an exam tomorrow. And set your DVR, sometime in the afternoon I’m going to do the whole press conference bullshit.”
“I hate those.”
“You get paid for them. Why else would anybody watch a feature length film about disgruntled otters? It’s not even Disney, or animated or whatever.”
“Just pretend you’re selling underwear, Jake. You’ll do fine. You’re not going to actually tell them anything, are you?”
I watched as Britt walked around to play volleyball. Rob had rolled back over on his back to watch her and he had the gun towel pressed down on the front of his shorts. Dave was standing over Yoda, who was lifting his breasts and pointing at the crevasses. Dave threw the suntan lotion over the fence and walked over to the basketball court.
“No, I don’t have anything to say. I just need to get it over with, we’re having a big party here this weekend and I’m already feeling stressed,” I told her.
“What’s the theme?”
“Dress Like You’re Going to Class.”
“Nice. That should reduce your stress. You can stick to the theme and sleep right through it.”
I wandered around for a while talking, smoking, and drinking. It was one of those perfect afternoons that I just couldn’t let end, because there couldn’t possibly be anything better than this in my immediate future. I was talking to a few of the girls sitting under the shade of the porch when Hunter walked up with some other guy following him. The guy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, khaki shorts, and giant aviator sunglasses. He had short brown hair and a decent tan, and I was sure I knew him from somewhere. Based on his body I wondered if maybe I’d seen him bench pressing at the gym on campus or at one of Dave’s wrestling tournaments.
Hunter stood there looking a little unhappy. He had his hands on his hips and his shorts were hanging about two inches lower than that, the girls sitting by me had taken off their sunglasses and were staring the two guys down. “This guy says he knows you, Foster. He showed me a badge, and that made me doubt it...or believe it, I’m not sure. But then I recognized him from out front. He’s a cop, the guy you call Officer Douchebag.”
I figured the cop would be pissed but he just laughed and offered his hand. I shook it and he said, “It’s Officer Duncan—Paul Duncan. I’d almost rather be called a douche instead of hearing all the other officers call me Duncan Donuts.”
I didn’t realize how buzzed I was until I said, “I don’t see a single bit of donut fat on you. You’re in pretty good shape from what I can see.”
He took off his sunglasses and watched me turn red. The girls followed Hunter to the pool and the two of us sat down at the table. “So, Officer Douche D
onuts—Paul. What are you doing in our backyard? There are way too many illegal things going on out here for you to think one cop handle it.”
“Don’t forget about me, Foster,” Rob said. He was standing in front of us dripping wet, and the front of his shorts looked like a roadmap of his package.
“Sit down or use your gun towel, secret agent man. You’re junk is blocking my view of the pool.” I caught Paul checking out Rob and I realized things could get interesting.
Paul looked puzzled and said, “What—I mean, I really came back here to check out this air force you guys seem to be operating. I’m not saying I disagree with the intent, it’s just that we’ve had a few FAA people asking questions. By the way, what the hell is a ‘gun towel’?”
Rob stood there dripping and it looked like his shorts were slowly siding down under the weight of the water soaked into them. “You’re getting burned again, Rob,” I told him. “Maybe you should head upstairs and get cleaned up. We need to start watching the movie soon.”
He nodded and looked around. “I wonder where Dave is, I could use some aloe on my back.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to kill that little fella if you keep...leading him on. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He nodded. “We’ve already had that conversation. There’s no harm in it, he knows aloe is all I’m looking for. And he’s going to ambush me somewhere inside, he’s already warned me. He’s a sneaky little fucker.” Rob looked at me and Paul. “Can you keep an eye on Foster, Officer Douchebag? I can’t leave him out here without some kind of protection.” Before Paul could even answer he unfolded the towel and handed his gun over. “Give this to Foster after—well, I mean, when you leave here.” And he wandered back inside.
“So,” Paul said, “let’s take a look at whatever kind of war room you have in there.”
Sheldon was more than happy to give a tour to Paul and the two fell into a deep conversation immediately. I felt a hand on my shoulder and Quinn was standing there, still a little wet from the pool. He asked me, “Are you heading upstairs to watch the movie, now? Dave told me about the ‘study session’ or whatever. I thought I might join in after I shower and whatnot. You wanna head up there together?” He was looking over at Paul and frowned a little. Sheldon was holding Rob’s gun up to the prototype drone and taking measurements while the officer shook his head.
“I’ll be up in a minute, Bro. I just need to wrap things up with Officer Dou—Duncan before I leave.”
Quinn started climbing the steps and Paul walked back over to me. “I had to get that gun away from that guy before somebody got hurt.” He looked around and said, “I’ve never been down here, I usually just stand at the front door waiting to serve warrants.” I was noticing his eyes and he nodded. “Show me around.” When we got into the weight room he pointed at the door in the corner. “What’s that?”
“A steam room.”
He walked over and opened the door. “Hey, Jake. I’m probably about ten years older than you, but I’ve got an idea—”
I pushed him through the door. “That’s okay. I could use a little adult supervision in my life right now.”
When we got back out to the weight room he buttoned his shirt and said. “That sauna was more intense—I mean...hotter—No! I mean steamier or—I mean, I need to get cleaned up—dammit, I keep sticking my foot in my mouth. I guess I just need to get going.”
I laughed. “I know what you mean, I could use a shower myself.” I sniffed my armpit and winced a little. “But what you were stumbling over, I think all of that applies to what just happened. It was hot.”
We headed up to the front door and he shook his head. “I used my badge to get in here, my car’s in the parking lot. I’ll cut around through the backyard. Oh, and Levi filled my boss in about the press conference. I’m going to be there, I kind of requested it. But that,” he pointed downstairs, “well, do you think that may happen again? I mean, somewhere cooler? But if you don’t want—”
“I do. I mean, tomorrow’s going to be busy, I think. But you know where I live.”
He grinned and nodded and I headed upstairs.
It took some time to get everybody showered, semi-dressed, buzzed, and fed before we could start the movie. I heard some weird noises coming from under my bed and I noticed some toes sticking out and wiggling. I got down on all fours and looked to see what was going on. “Really, Dave? You don’t think this may violate a few federal laws or something?” I pulled Rob out from under the bed by his foot. He was wrapped in a sheet and bound by duct tape with one of my old socks stuffed in his mouth. I pointed at him and told Dave, “I don’t have time for what’s gonna happen when we release him. I can tell you one thing, the days of you rubbing him down with aloe are most likely over.” I pulled a hunting knife out of my nightstand and started to free him, he kept making muffled noises and I pulled the wad of cloth out of his mouth.”
“Thank god Ella’s crew does your laundry, that could have been a lot more unpleasant. And there are remarkably few dust bunnies under there, give her my compliments.”
I noticed Dave was sporting a black eye and some serious bruises on his chest. “It was a fair fight, Foster! I tackled him from behind while he was putting on your underwear.”
I threatened Rob with the sock. “Stop borrowing my underwear, Rob. Or next time this won’t be freshly laundered.”
Quinn walked in but started backing out the door until I waved him in. I cut every thing off of Rob and he fell onto the bed. He warned his captor, “And Dave, you, you little peckerhead, you got lucky. Foster had my gun. Go get the aloe, you owe me one.”
At some point Brent wandered in and passed out a few capsules of something. We had to wait about five minutes until they kicked in and then I started the movie. Maybe it was the combination of shit in my bloodstream and the happiness I felt with sharing this masterpiece with about ten of my brothers packed into the room, but I was blown away by the movie. I laughed and cried and was an emotional wreck when it ended. “That movie,” I pronounced, “is cinematic genius, plain and simple.”
Quinn was crowded against me on the couch and tugged at the hem of my boxers to snap me out of my zone. “Tell me one—just one—significant thing that you remember about that movie. You’re too wasted to remember any of it. I have doubts about you passing your exam.”
I shook my head and knocked his hand off my thigh, hoping no one else noticed. “You’re wrong about that. And, I’ll ace the exam. I get what that movie is all about, it’s a true slice of Americana, it’s not meant to have a real plot. And if part of the exam involves disco dancing I’ll borrow the suit Gustav tailored for Rob, it’s designed for it.”
Rob said, “You can’t use my suit tomorrow, I’ll need it for the press conference.”
I nodded and started walking to the bathroom to take a leak and Spence followed me down the hallway. “That movie was...a comedy, right?” He asked.
I nodded and then said, “Night Fever is going to be an earworm for a long time. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.” We parted ways and he disappeared into his room.
I started to go back to my room when the door opened and Rob walked out carrying Dave. He nodded at me and whispered, “Shh, the little fella’s sound asleep. I’m going to put him in his own bed, I like him but who knows how well he’d behave if he slept in ours.”
“Yeah—wait, ‘ours’? Maybe I should call your wife, maybe I’m the one who should be concerned.”
He pushed the door to Dave’s room open with his foot and went in. I went the other way and hesitated when I passed Quinn’s room. The door was cracked open and I took a quick look inside. In the semi-gloom I saw Quinn’s ass flexing up and down between some girl’s thighs. I wasn’t all that surprised when Britt raised her head over his shoulder and waved me in. Quinn twisted his body and looked back at me. “Bro, I was kind of hoping you’d stop by. Shut the door behind you.”
I shrugged and joined them.
&n
bsp; I had dozed off in a tangle of limbs and had to wiggle around to get back on my feet. Quinn whispered, “She’s out cold, you want to hang around for a little while longer?” I gave him a grin and then slipped out of the room.
I walked down the hall and when I climbed into my bed Rob yawned and rolled over to face me. “I smell pot, beer, and sex. You’ve been having a busy night,” he mumbled. He rolled over and went back to sleep before I could think of anything to say.
I woke up when I heard my door thud shut. Rob walked in still dripping a little with a towel wrapped around his waist. “What time is it?” I moaned.
“Nine thirty, you still have some time, Foster.” He started digging around in the closet for his suit.
Levi made me jump when he spoke up from the couch. “We need to go over a few things just in case we don’t have time before the press conference.”
I climbed out of bed and threw on some shorts. I sat down next to him and yawned. “What’s there to go over?”
He handed me a little piece of paper. “Here, I have it all written down on this Post It note. The main thing is to just be casual—wear jeans or shorts and a t shirt. And you need to shower, you smell like you just got off a plane after two weeks in New Orleans or Vegas or somewhere equally as sinful.” I noticed he was wearing jeans and short-sleeve dress shirt and looked like he’d just left bible study.
“Okay, let me go get cleaned up and we’ll head down to breakfast—it’s French toast day!”
I was showered and was in the process of shaving when Dave walked in and paused before he walked into the showers. “Am I dreaming this?” He asked, “Or did Rob tuck me in last night?”
I wanted to keep him guessing so I just shrugged and said, “I’m not sure. I wouldn’t know.”
Quinn wandered in tugging at the back of his boxers and groaning. He stopped when he saw me and mumbled, “Foster, I had the weirdest dream last night. You, me and Britt were doing some wild—”
Foster's Fall (Foster's Life) Page 17