by Ruby Reade
'I promise it will be a night to remember and you have nothing to worry about.' I confirm and pat his shoulder.
'Thanks mate. It's important you know. My last night before marriage, god that feels weird. It makes you question everything. Kind of like New Year’s Eve when you're really drunk, wondering how your life is going to change and thinking of all your plans. Only this is worse because you're sober and suddenly all your plans aren't just your plans anymore. You have got to share them. With her.' He looks a bit washed out like a man on death row being given his execution date.
'Don't try and tell me you're getting cold feet. It's not just your celebration you know. Do you realise how long it's been since I have been on a stag do?' Pete is jabbing his finger waiting for an opportunity to join in.
'You might want to think of me if you feel bad. You're just giving her your name. I am becoming a dad. I have responsibilities and ties. Life will never be the same again. Do you know how much kids cost? You and Kate can carry on basically as you are.' I don't know if he is trying to make Luke feel better or get the rant off his chest. He is breathing heavy. I reach over and pat his shoulder. All this shoulder patting and I'm starting to think I could be a good counsellor.
'My life is never going to be the same again. Kids cost shit loads, and not just at the beginning. Forever. That baby owns me now and all my plans are about Jen and the baby and I will always be last.' He sags down into his chair.
'Kids.' Luke holds his pint of orange up and we all lean in and cheers slowly.
'Sorry, it's just sinking in now. I better go home.’ He stands up, his head so low it is almost snapping off.
'It will be alright mate.' I pat him again.
'Don't worry mate.' Luke calls after him as he shuffles out.
'Don't worry mate?' I ask Luke. 'Don't bloody worry. The guy looks like a walking condom advert. They should send him around to all the schools and teen pregnancy will drop about ninety percent. I think he has everything to worry about.’ I shake my head at Luke.
'Don't you ever think about kids? Me and Kate touched on it.’
'Stop right there before I lose my shit.' I warn him.
'But.'
'Look if I wanted someone to hate my guts that much then I would think about having children.' I say.
'You're twisted. At least we know we would treat them better than ours did. They showed us exactly what not to do. It makes us better, not worse.' He tells me.
'Yeah, well, I have to find the lucky girl first before contemplating that one. Talking of that, I thought me and Lucy were back on last night.' I say watching his face for a reaction.
'Lucy? What do you mean you thought you were back on?' He asks frowning.
'One minute we were having a laugh and cuddling, you know how it is,' I hold my hand up to stop him from interrupting. 'Next thing I know, she has to go to the toilet and left me some poxy little note. I don't know what to make of it to be honest.' I chuck my sunglasses onto the table. My hangover has faded finally, giving way to a bigger headache that only women can cause.
'The way I see it, fuck it, let's get a drink. It'll sort us right out and then I'll tell you your options.' Luke seems to have come alive. He doesn't need to ask me twice. I almost teleport to the bar and back with two pints.
'Cheers.' Luke holds his glass out to me. I clink my glass not so sure what I have to cheer about.
'So, what's the plan mate? I hope you have some amazing insight hidden away in that alcohol sozzled brain of yours before I'm doomed to become a slowly depreciating bachelor, heading into retirement where I have only nurses to perve over in an off-putting manor.' I clearly paint the picture of my imagined fate.
'Right.' He puts his glass down. 'The way I see it, you have two options. You can go and see her and talk to her about the note and find out what is going on. Tell her you needed time to think about what she wrote, girls love that shit, and say you want to sort it out. Or, what you do is leave it completely and have a break for a while. The latter might be a bit difficult seeing as it's the wedding next week.' He holds his hands palm up and makes a balancing action at me. 'Mind you, the wedding could be a good place to meet a suitable distraction?' He wriggles his eyebrows at me. I sigh and roll my eyes back.
'Fuck knows. I really don't know anymore. Our whole relationship is an example of opposites not attracting. It is a train wreck every time we get together and all the passengers on board get destroyed. I know I sound like a bitch, but she has this thing, and I miss her.'
'Kev mate, it's simple then, go and apologise and sort it out. Sometimes in adult relationships you have to act like a puppet and keep saying sorry for a few days and then it's all back to normal.' A bit of arse kissing might work on Kate, but I don't think it will wash with Lucy. I need a big demonstration.
'That's it.' I have it. I grin at him.
'I told you. A drink and chat with your best mate and it's all sorted. Now don't forget to tell her she was right about everything and you can't believe how out of line you were. Tell her you agree with her completely and then it will all be fixed as if nothing ever happened.' God help Kate for the next however many decades she will put up with this.
'No, no, no, no, no. I need to do something big.' Before I get a chance to expose my master plan, Drew the back-stabber strolls in.
'Have I missed the meeting?' The bastard asks. I twist around to Luke.
'You invited him?' What is going on here? I don't move as he jumps in next to Luke.
'Kev, it's not like that. Come on mate. This has gone on too long now and frankly it's getting beyond a joke. We have been mates since the first day of nursery and now look.' Luke tries to reason with me.
'Yeah, look at us.' I say knowing there is no way on Gods earth he would stand for this from anyone, let alone one of us. 'He treated me like any other prick, and not one of his supposed best mates.' I say as if they need reminding, but it makes me feel better.
Drew leans forward clearly building up for his speech, but I stop him in his tracks. 'Everyone thinks I should forgive you well no. Fuck that. And fuck you. And fuck anyone who tries to tell me what I should do.' I turn to face Drew square on. 'Fuck you if you think I am going to just roll over like some pussy and say hey, don't worry mate, water under the bridge. You fucking selfish prick.' By the time I'm finished I am breathing hard and standing up.
'Drew, mate, you started all this shit. Remember how you felt when Leah went off with that bloke, and he wasn't even your mate. Let alone your best MATE.' I shout the last bit. All the adrenaline is flooding my veins and I am as close as ever to killing him. He puts his head down and at least has the grace to look ashamed, whether he feels bad about it or not is another thing altogether.
'Look Kev I know you hate me and nothing I can say will make this right between us. But I really, really am sorry. You just, well you have everything.' He tries to explain.
'And you took it. You took it and tried to make it yours. Well she's not yours, she's mine and I love her. You just think you do, so fuck off and go and find someone of your own. By the end of the week I will have her back and you will just be an insignificant blip.' I look around and finally notice the scene that is giving the punters a lunchtime story.
'That's what I've been trying to tell you. That's exactly how it is. She wants you not me. She always wanted you. Maybe this time you will treat her better if she does take you back instead of acting like she should be grateful to be with you when really, it's the other way around. You were the lucky one, not her and you never even knew it. You kept acting like you was waiting for something better. I've never known someone to keep a girl hanging on like you. You couldn't even call her your girlfriend. I mean, what the actual fuck is that about?' He is standing as well now squaring up to me.
Luke is still sitting down sipping his pint not getting involved.
'I didn't act like that.' I shout back at him.
'You did do that sugar.' Is the first thing Luke helpfully inputs.
&
nbsp; 'Shut up. Just shut the fuck up both of you. Wait till next week then we'll see who is laughing you fucking imbeciles.' I am pacing up and down now. I need to do something to expel some of the rage building up inside. 'I'm fucking going now. I'll see you at the epic stag do I am organising, we are going to have the best night because of me, and Lucy is going to love me again. Just you wait and see.'
'Really? Because you are sooo loveable and didn't treat as her like rubbish.' Drew carries on.
'Shut up. I'm warning you to shut up now. I'm going.'
'Go on then.' Drew waves his hand at the door.
'Kev, come on.' Luke tries to calm things down finally after it's too late.
'You two are pricks. I'm off.'
I leave to them oooohing me out of the door.
I'll show them. I'll show all of them exactly what I am talking about. You think I have everything, well almost. When I do, you can spend the rest of your pathetic life wishing you were me.
Chapter 37
Lucy
Jen's room is the biggest, so we are all in there to start the pre-drinks for Kate's Hen Do.
Me and Jen tastefully decorated the room with hanging blow up dicks, massive L plates, willy straws, printed t-shirts and have more booze than an Off License. It's perfect.
As soon as Kate walks into the bedroom we are all screaming and throwing confetti everywhere. It doesn't take long for the party get started. The room quickly smells of alcohol, various perfumes and smoke. The music is blaring. We have got old school nineties music on and singing as loudly as we can.
I keep checking on Jen, who as the only sober one can't be having as much fun as we are. She said she might have to duck out early if it gets too much and her ankles swell up again. I might have to join her if I carry on at this rate.
'Okay ladies.' I shout over the music and climb onto the bed. I clap my hands to get their full attention. 'So, as leader of this shindig, I am about to unveil the first part of the master plan. Wardrobe.' I pause and wait for the lovely Jenny to open the doors showing off the prepared costumes. There are a couple of gasps and one groan. All I take in a positive way. 'Tonight, we are going to be, Bunnies.' I announce and jump down clapping myself.
'It's brilliant.' Kate says smiling and grabs me for a hug.
'It could be worse I guess.' Laura says almost smiling. It must be the confession she made in the toilet last night, or the fact she went home with Satan, making her uncomfortable.
I free myself from Kate with a smile and reach over to hug Laura. 'We're okay you know.' I say quietly in her ear.
'Good. Good, thanks.' She says eyes welling up.
'Right. This is a party, so no more emotional bumpf. We have precisely forty minutes to make ourselves look lovely and get pissed before, get this, a pink limo turns up.' I announce to a chorus of shrieks and whoops.
In our matching outfits, we are completing the final tweaks. I am just perfecting Kate's eye makeup when Jen jumps into the room with a massive smile.
'Oi, Oi. I would just like to say a quick toast to Kate. This is going to be a momentous occasion and the funeral of your single life. So, let's go out with a bang.' She says and raises her glass of lemonade to our champagne. As we drain our glasses, Jen pops back out the door and instantly reappears with a tray of vodka shots in true old school fashion of our nights out. I watch Jenny's face to see if she is feeling left out, but she is smiling and I think she is living the night through us. I grab another one. In for a penny and all that.
I turn as Kate chokes on hers and spits it all over me.
'No more drink for that girl until we are safely in a club.' I say rubbing a wet wipe down my outfit. It had to be me that got caught. Always me.
'Girl's the car is outside.' Mum calls up the stairs.
'Tell them five minutes.' Jen shouts back.
She hops to her wardrobe and grabs a bag from the bottom. I take the goodies from her and start passing them out. Tiara's. L plates. Veil. Flashing badges for the bride and others for the hens. We all take some and get to work finishing off Kate's ensemble.
Taking a step back to look at the final product I'm happy. We even stuck on condom packets. She looks priceless. We all rush to take photos to add to our already growing collections. As we are leaving, I remember the handcuffs and place one furry pink one around her wrist. 'The other one is for any lucky guy you meet tonight.' I say with a wink. Failing that, if I can’t get her home, I can cuff her to me and drag her back.
When we get downstairs my mum is waiting, camera ready.
'Pictures. I need pictures girls.' My mum says and we dutifully line up for her in front of the limo. I feel like a bit of a twat if the neighbours are looking but it's all for a good cause. After about ten minutes of posing enough is enough. 'Come on mum we have to go.' I say putting a stop to the show. I need to get in the limo and pull the bunny outfit out of my bum. I think they came up a bit small.
We all fall inside the limo excited to get going. Before we have even pulled away from the curb, I have the champagne and glasses out.
The top explodes out showering us in bubbles. I quickly pour the drinks and dish them out. I can't wait to do my toast.
'Hold it.' I shout before they pounce on them. I get down on my knees in the middle of the car and the girls circle around me.
'So, here it goes. Kate, you have been a brilliant mate, enjoyed your single life more than most and now I want this night to be a celebration of all the drunken, random, mis-spent nights we used to have before you go and get yourself hitched tomorrow.' I raise my glass and wait for the satisfying clink of all the glasses together. 'Love you mate.' I say and grab her into me for a squeeze.
'Love you too baby girl.' She says into my shoulder.
'What's the plan tonight then oh fearless leader.' Laura asks. 'If you say it's the Dogs, then I will point blank refuse to get out of the car.' She warns us.
'Nope. Luckily for you I haven't stooped that low. No tonight, we are going to the new bar that is opening called the Banana Bar. I managed to wrangle us some tickets.' I say grinning.
'Oh wow, I saw an article on it. It's supposed to be really trendy and very expensive.' Kate claps her hands together. I am so pleased she is excited. I can relax a bit now.
'The Banana Bar? It sounds more like somewhere an eighteen-year-old goes when they come back from Malia and wants to reminisce. But I’m game for a laugh.' Laura shrugs. I can't work out if she is joking or not, either way it's Kate's night and if she loves it, that is all that matters.
I had imagined our entrance with us pulling up outside then all of us stepping out of the limo to gasps, and oozing sophistication, just like the celebs do. Instead, we pretty much fall out of the door in a pile and need to rearrange our outfits and hair, while we wait for Jenny to be helped getting out of the car. Not exactly what I pictured but at least we are here, and no one expects a Hen party to be too sophisticated surely? We are here to have fun and get drunk.
The outside isn't as trendy as the article promised. Instead it is bright yellow with a gigantic yellow banana hanging over the doorway. There are palm trees either side of the door with girls dressed in hula outfits handing out complimentary shots.
Thankfully we have VIP passes and can jump the queue and go straight in and missing out on the gigantic line of people who look unsurprisingly just eighteen. Maybe Laura did have a point. She was also right that we are out for a laugh and a fun time so sod what anyone else thinks.
I hand my tickets to a short and skinny bouncer who is hopefully harder than he looks come chucking out time. And we are in. I walk straight into a wall of people.
'It's bloody tiny in here. As in, my front room kind of tiny.' Kate shouts in my ear. It is so packed that you can’t help but have body contact with somebody at every angle. It feels like the train carriages at peak time on the underground, but with loud music and lights.
'At least the cocktails are buy one get one free.' Kate tries to put a positive spin on things. I l
ook behind me and Jen is guarding her belly.
'That's if we can make it to the bar.' Laura shouts at us. Trying to worm her way forward.
'There is only one fucking toilet.' Jen shouts at me. I don't attempt to reply, to busy trying to work out where to go and how to get there.
I can barely think straight the noise is engulfing me so my whole body is shaking with the vibrations of the music and people shouting. I couldn't tell you what was being played it has been turned up so much that it is just noise, well either that, or I am suddenly too old for it all.
'Stay here. I'm going in.' I shout at the girls. I have no idea if they heard me or not, but I dive into the crowd anyway. Head down and just walk. I use my elbows and knees to wedge my way into the smallest of gaps, slowly edging my way through.
It takes forever, but finally I am only one person back now. I have one hand reaching though and clinging onto the bar, holding my place in line and waiting for one of the people in front of me to leave. I work my knee in between them as well now. I am almost there. The swell of people behind me push me into one of the men whose place I am trying to take. He turns around and glares at me. I give him a wink and a smile. He just growls at me and sticks his elbow out so if I get any closer then I will get jabbed painfully in the stomach.
By the time I get served and start to make my way back to the girls, I have sobered up and just want a juicy burger and my bed. Hopefully the round of Tequila's and cocktails will sort me back out.
'Finally.' Kate claps me. She is hopping from one foot to the other. I can only guess the alcohol has worn off for everyone else as well and her shoes are taking their toll. I quickly hand out the shots and Screaming Orgasms out to the girls with a J2O for Jen.
'Whoooooo!' We all scream and down the shot first. I laugh watching as they have the same reaction on their faces as mine. I bloody hate Tequila.
'I was going to get more but I think we will move on after this one.' I shout and mime leaving. They all nod at me. We can't stay here and really enjoy ourselves. I think I would need to be trollied to enjoy this place.