These days when I face criticism or doubts, I try to maintain a long-term perspective and focus on the bigger picture so I won’t be discouraged by short-term missteps. I also try to learn from my mistakes as well as those made by others. I try to take the time to minimize blame and finger-pointing and, instead, focus on what I can learn. I try to think of these as educational experiences.
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I BELIEVE THE ENVIRONMENT IS CHANGING FOR THE BETTER, PARTICULARLY WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY YOUNG, GIFTED AFRICAN AMERICAN QUARTERBACKS SUCH AS RUSSELL WILSON, PATRICK MAHOMES, AND LAMAR JACKSON ESTABLISHING THEMSELVES AS TALENTED, COMPLETE FOOTBALL PLAYERS.
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Most of all, I try to stop and consider all the love that’s in my life, no matter what is going on in the moment. Because not everyone is going to love what I do, but I am surrounded by love in my life, and that makes it so much easier to stop listening to the voices of the doubters and listen to the voices of those who care about me instead.
PASS IT ON
•Have you seen or experienced a subtle form of negative stereotyping? Where did it occur and how? Did others around you notice it as well? Did anyone say or do something? What happened?
•Consider the stereotypes you harbor about other people. Think about how you express them. What steps can you take to eliminate that sort of thinking in your words and actions?
•Have you had an experience of blaming someone else unjustifiably, or, by the same token, have you been blamed by someone else for something that simply wasn’t reasonable? If you’re the guilty party, did you take the time to apologize to the other person? If you were the one receiving the blame, how well were you able to keep it in context, to not take the criticism too seriously or personally? Do you have a strategy to remind yourself that we are all flawed and we all make mistakes?
YOUR CHALLENGE
Make a list of all the people and things that you genuinely love. Then say why you love them. Make this a living list—keep adding new types of loves as well as reasons for loving them. Additionally, the next time someone expresses doubt about you or what you’re doing—or, more unfortunately, says something that you find offensive—try wishing that person well regardless. It’s a really liberating feeling!
CHAPTER 8
BEND, DON’T BREAK
I grew up in the South, where there are palm trees pretty much everywhere. To some, they’re funny looking, all tall and skinny with great big leaves on top that make the trees look like they’re about to fall over. They’re gangly and strange. As I got older, I noticed something interesting about them. When big storms would roll through, we’d end up with downed power lines because trees would fall on them. Sometimes you’d see these big old oak and maple trees that, despite their giant root systems, had snapped like splinters, but I noticed that the palm trees never seemed to share the same fate.
I moved to Houston shortly before Hurricane Harvey, and after the storm, the same thing was true there as well. The city of Houston and surrounding areas were littered with broken limbs and trees that had been completely uprooted, but most of the palm trees had survived reasonably intact.
Then I learned the secret. Palm trees aren’t actually made of wood but of a spongy material that allows the trunk to bend over in the wind. They’re more closely related to grasses than regular trees, and they twist in the same way that a grass blade bends when the wind hits it. That flexibility is what makes them so good at withstanding strong winds; when a storm comes, a palm tree will bend but not break.
A leader, likewise, has to be able to withstand the storms that come without being knocked over. Leaders have to be able to bend but not break.
This ability to bend but not break is at the heart of the success I’ve enjoyed throughout my life, and the same can be true for you, regardless of where you came from, what you do, and where you hope to go. Bending but not breaking is really about resiliency—the ability and commitment to come back after some sort of mistake, problem, or even outright tragedy. That’s what makes a leader.
Every one of us is going to experience failure or discouragement sometime in our lives. We’re all going to have to deal with disappointment. Unfortunately, all of us will have to cope with some type of tragedy—even a devastating one.
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BENDING BUT NOT BREAKING IS REALLY ABOUT RESILIENCY—THE ABILITY AND COMMITMENT TO COME BACK AFTER SOME SORT OF MISTAKE, PROBLEM, OR EVEN OUTRIGHT TRAGEDY.
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We can’t change this. But what we can change is how we react to those issues and problems. We can develop the strength to continue moving forward, learning from the experiences, and, as a result, becoming stronger and more confident. That’s the goal of the servant leader—to endure hardship, to become a better person as a result, and to encourage others to do the same.
One of the first and most powerful examples I experienced of bending but not breaking was my mom’s battle with tongue cancer. It was terrifying, and we didn’t know how it was all going to turn out. But my mom refused to break. Not only did she keep fighting the disease until she ultimately won, but she made certain that, whatever the outcome, our family wouldn’t break as a result. I’ve never seen a more courageous commitment to bending but not breaking in the face of ominous odds.
As various challenges have come up in my own life, I’ve reacted differently, depending on the situation, but in the end the challenges haven’t broken me. I hope hearing my stories will both comfort and inspire you to better deal with the storms in your life.
One of the most obvious challenges I’ve faced in my career is the series of injuries I’ve suffered—often happening at the worst possible times. For instance, my first significant ACL tear couldn’t have occurred at a more devastating moment—two games before Clemson’s game versus in-state rival South Carolina, a team I had promised Coach Swinney we would never lose to as long as I could stay on the field.
I managed to overcome that pain, keep playing, and help us win that game by focusing on my vow to Coach Swinney. As I’ve said before, a servant leader’s word is his absolute bond—you never say anything you don’t fully intend to do, no matter the circumstances. Yes, the injury was painful to play through, and, yes, it did end my season, but I kept my word to my coach, my teammates, and my university. That’s all that mattered—then and now. I never came out of that game, and in my mind, that showed I had bent but hadn’t broken.
My next experience with developing resiliency had nothing to do with any sort of physical injury, but in many ways it was more painful than any muscle tear or broken bone. The national championship loss to Alabama in early 2016 was one of the most devastating losses I’ve ever experienced. A lot of that had to do with the setting, with a national title in the balance and millions of people watching on television. There could not have possibly been a bigger, more visible stage. Losing hurts that much more when it’s conspicuous.
The loss to Alabama was incredibly tough in and of itself. But what made it all the more difficult for me was my own performance, and not in the way that you might assume. I didn’t play poorly—anything but. Throwing for four touchdowns and more than four hundred yards against perhaps the best defense in the country was an achievement of which I was justifiably very proud.
But I still left the field thinking I could have done more—made one more complete pass or audibled a different play. Looking back, it was a powerful lesson: sometimes your greatest disappointments occur not when you fail to perform to your ability but as the result of the nagging feeling that somehow, someway, you could have changed the outcome. I’m not suggesting you beat yourself up but instead stretch your goals and definition of success a bit further.
I recognized my own particular responsibility for the defeat as the team’s leader. When you’re out in front, it’s your job to shoulder much of the accountability, regardless of the outcome. Servant leaders embrace a special sort of joy when their group succeeds—and they also have to cope with an oversized amount of hea
rtache when things don’t go their way. It’s challenging, but it’s all part of the responsibility you take on.
Losing that game was tough, but I had to make sure it didn’t break me. Leaning on the support of others was critical in this time. For instance, my friend Cam Newton’s thoughts and encouragement were indispensable in helping me regain my mental and emotional balance following our loss. Being a servant leader means being strong when you need to be and seeking out support when you need it. Turning to others is a sign of strength; it shows that you appreciate the help they can give.
Much of learning to bend but not break has to do with how you react to defeat. Always maintain perspective, no matter if it’s over the short term or your focus is on long-term goals and dreams. Maintain your emotional and mental balance as much as possible. Make learning from the experience part of your determination not to break.
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BEING A SERVANT LEADER MEANS BEING STRONG WHEN YOU NEED TO BE AND SEEKING OUT SUPPORT WHEN YOU NEED IT.
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In my case, I learned to never take a loss lying down. I make it a point to get back to work as soon as possible after a defeat—because if you haven’t learned from a loss, it can’t make you stronger.
That Alabama game battered me like a storm, but I survived, and I was stronger for it. I decided I had to get to work right away to begin preparing for the next season and, I hoped, another chance at a national championship. Losing that game redoubled my determination for a better result whenever the next time came around.
As you know, that opportunity came in the championship rematch with Alabama the following year.
Coming back from a ten-point deficit late in a game against a vaunted defense certainly showed that I and all my Clemson teammates were capable of continuing to get back up again after being knocked down.
An interesting thing about getting up again when you’ve been knocked down is that it’s habit-forming. Once you realize you are, in fact, that much stronger for the experience, you know you can and will get up again. It becomes part of your DNA. Doing anything else seems out of character, even weird.
Of course, by the time I’d gotten to college, I’d already endured many things that could have broken me. From growing up without a dad to living in government housing to my mom’s cancer, I had spent much of my childhood bent against the wind. Because of this early struggle, I was flexible enough not to break when these challenges arose in college. My early years taught me to focus on and appreciate what I had instead of wondering what might have been. I tried to identify the positives in many seemingly hopeless situations.
And because of all the people who had helped me through those times, I wasn’t trying to be strong for just myself. Every time I awoke at 5:00 a.m. to get ready for another day of mental and physical challenges, my first thoughts were for my family—my mom, my siblings, and my aunts and uncles. For all that I was trying to achieve personally, I also hoped that my achievements would make their lives better. Bending but not breaking meant moving my thoughts away from just myself and paying attention to others in my life who could benefit from my work and dedication—the lesson my mom had nurtured in me.
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MY EARLY YEARS TAUGHT ME TO FOCUS ON AND APPRECIATE WHAT I HAD INSTEAD OF WONDERING WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
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My rookie season with the Texans challenged me too. By this time, I was getting a little tired of my ongoing struggles to keep my knees healthy. My knee injury that ended my first season with the Texans was particularly frustrating—rather than occurring in the violence of real game conditions, I tore my ACL while making what seemed to be an innocent, completely routine cut during practice. It reminded me that challenges can come anywhere and at any time.
As I came to learn, an injury I’d sustained during my high school playing days back in Gainesville had been misdiagnosed, effectively making me all the more vulnerable to additional injuries moving ahead (my current doctors had the diagnostic resources to identify the past oversight). In a way, that intensified the challenge of bending but not breaking—if the doctors had properly diagnosed my injury when I was in high school, I might have avoided all that happened.
Immediately, I went back to work, studying film, giving my teammates what advice and suggestions I could, and devoting myself to rehab. I also focused on my public image, how teammates and others saw me. I tried to seem happy all the time, in high spirits, confident, and committed. The image I wanted to project was that my injury was just another bump in the road. And for the most part, I truly believed it to be.
Those closest to me knew otherwise. As I rehabbed, I spent a lot of time talking on the phone with Brian, a friend I’ve known all my life and the one who remembered my role as the Big Bad Wolf in grade school. During one conversation, Brian hesitated a moment before asking me, “This thing really has you down, doesn’t it?”
I had to admit that, yes, there were times when my injuries made me feel as depressed as I had ever been in my life.
But I did my utmost not to let it overwhelm me. Acknowledging to myself how I was feeling was essential to my overall health, but I also recognized I had to remain confident and committed. That was how I was able to keep moving forward.
Another element of resiliency is learning to correct mistakes as quickly as possible. It’s an important part of leadership, and it’s part of how you can survive the storms, but I have to admit that doing so doesn’t always make me the most pleasant person to be around.
For instance, my family had come to Houston in September 2019 to watch a game against the Carolina Panthers. It was a disappointing game. I missed on two very makeable but critical throws, and we lost to the Panthers. After the game I was in no mood to socialize, even with my loved ones. They just flew home because they knew full well what the next few hours for me would be like.
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ANOTHER ELEMENT OF RESILIENCY IS LEARNING TO CORRECT MISTAKES AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
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First, I took care of the required postgame press conference. Framing the loss as a learning experience, I walked the reporters through everything I had noticed about the Panthers’ defense. I wanted them—as well as anyone else who would hear or read about what I had to say—to know how it felt to be on the field and the challenges of having to react quickly and intelligently.
After the conference was over, I reached out to Quincy Avery, the quarterback coach I had worked with since high school. Normally, Quincy comes to Houston every game day to share his notes and feedback, but he wasn’t there this time, so I asked him to fly in as soon as possible. Something about my disappointing performance made me need Quincy—right then and there.
Quincy and I immediately watched film of every single play in that game. Then we went out on the field to practice those throws that I knew I should have made but simply hadn’t. After a couple of hours, I concluded that my timing was just a bit off, that I was moving in the pocket more than was absolutely necessary.
I knew I had to address those sorts of mistakes at the very first opportunity I had—which, as it happened, was right after the game itself was over. That was how I responded to loss, and it made me a better quarterback.
I think “bend but don’t break” is at the heart of what it looks like to me to be a servant leader. You get knocked down, learn from it, and get back up again, stronger than before.
PASS IT ON
•What gives you strength? Is it your faith, your family, your community? How do you tap those resources for your own personal strength?
•How comfortable are you turning to others for support to boost your sense of strength? Do you consider it a true sign of servant leadership? If you feel it’s a sign of weakness, what can you do to overcome that damaging form of self-criticism?
•Do you truly value what you have rather than hungering for something else? Are you able to balance the value of the present with a healthy focus on the future? Make a list of what you value in your
life today. Keep the list handy, and add to it as new things occur to you.
•Are you able to narrow your sense of focus in a particular situation so you know precisely what you need to do in any given moment? If so, what steps do you follow? Do you stop and carefully think things out, or are your instincts more reliable? The more you practice acting with focus in the moment, the better you will get at it.
•Think about how you come back from failure or disappointment. Are you eager to review what you did as soon as you can, or do you prefer to let the dust settle a little bit before you address what went wrong?
YOUR CHALLENGE
Try bending but not breaking in a couple of ways when looking to rebound from some sort of setback. In one instance, start going over what happened as soon as you can. The next time you deal with failure or adversity, allow some time to pass before you begin your investigation of what went wrong. Over time, see which approach is more effective for you.
CHAPTER 9
Pass It On Page 11