I can’t put into words what makes me want her, but I do. The fact that my best mate is yapping on and on about being in love with her and I’m still wanting to claim her as my own, speaks volumes. First off, I’m a fucking awful friend. Secondly, Millie Thomas has me hook, line, and sinker, and finally, I’m either going to lose Matt or Millie. I can’t have both.
Sorry Matt.
Chapter 21
Amelia
When the shrill ring of my alarm clock goes off like a little dictator having a hissy fit, I growl into my pillow before reaching over to turn the damn thing off. If I’ve managed to have two hours of sleep, I’ll count myself lucky, because all I’ve done is wake up and then taken what feels like eons to go back to sleep again. In a nutshell, it’s been a shit night’s sleep.
I literally begin to beat the bed up with my flailing limbs, really feeling like I can’t be bothered to pull my ass out of it, but seeing as it’s only Tuesday, I can’t just bunk off. A Friday, possibly. Even a Monday perhaps, but not a Tuesday. That would be the beginning of just giving up and changing my ambition to becoming a bum, and I can’t do that. I’ve got Grant and Stanford to think about.
When I finally get downstairs, feeling so tired I’m not entirely sure how I got there, I’m stunned into full alert mode by the sight of my father leaning up against the breakfast bar, coffee in hand, wearing a dressing gown and a pair of slippers. He looks at me like we’re a happy-go-lucky family from a Disney movie. It’s so bizarre I look behind me, wondering if Mom and Grant are going to show up and yell, ‘Surprise! The last two years of your miserable life was a huge prank!’ Both the reality and the thought of that hypothetical situation have me frowning so deep, I’m convinced it will leave a deep crevice behind, even after I’ve relaxed my facial muscles.
“Drink?” he asks but starts to make me tea before I even answer him. “We need to have a chat. Your mother and I have been neglectful and it’s inexcusable.”
I gape at him like a fish for a moment or two, wondering if this is one of those cases of the body snatchers. He takes my hand and leads me over to the couch where I sit obediently but not quite inside of my body. This is so surreal, I end up floating in a fog, watching the two of us sitting together like we’re a couple of actors on television.
“What’s going on, Dad?” I shake my head, finally getting a hold of my senses, and calling his bluff on all of this touchy, touchy bullshit. At this point in our relationship, it’s a little creepy. “Just spit it out and stop pretending like you care.”
“I…we do care, sweetheart!” I give him an incredulous look, almost a little angry over the audacity he has to try and claim that. To my surprise, he manages to pull off a guilty expression, rubbing his hands together and avoiding my eye contact. “But I think you know our marriage has come to an end.”
And here it comes, the real reason he’s here. I end up smiling smugly at him, crossing my arms defensively, and readying myself for the blow before it hits me.
“Let me guess, you and mom are getting divorced, selling the house, and moving on with your lovers?” I say in a very bored tone of voice because at this stage of the game, that’s all it is. Very boring.
“I wouldn’t have put it quite so bluntly, Amelia,” he laughs nervously, “I can’t believe we’re that transparent.” I let out a long sigh, then make a move to get up, now wanting nothing more than to get out of here and go to school. “Millie, we won’t sell the place until you finish school and then we’ll get you your own apartment, wherever you decide to go to college. Where are you applying by the way?”
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” I cry back at him with a sarcastic laugh to my voice, my hands flying to my head as I think about the gall of this guy! This almost perfect stranger to me. “You have left me to look after myself for the past few years, disowned my brother, dropped this bombshell on me, and you want to know where I’ve applied for colleges?! Fuck you and fuck Mom!”
I grab my things, still only looking half ready to go out in public, and bolt for the door, making sure I slam it as angrily as I can. He makes no attempt to come after me; not even a phone call, a text, nothing. In my head, I disown him.
This has to be one of the first-ever days I’m early for school and it’s a damn good thing too because when I barge into the bathroom and take a glimpse in the mirror, something from the zombie apocalypse is looking back at me. I literally gasp in horror over how awful I look. I proceed to pour some crap out from my backpack and begin doing whatever I can to look vaguely human again. This includes ripping out hair from its follicles when I try to brush it, subsequently turning the air blue with my potty mouth.
“Ok, Millie,” I point to myself in the mirror, desperately trying hard to ignore the lump in my throat, “you look…ok-ish, and I know you want to cry the shit out of everything right now but suck it up!”
I jab my finger out towards my reflection one more time before finally braving it to walk out into the corridor, now packed with students going about their pre-lesson business. I sigh over the monotony of everyday life just as I pull up in front of my locker and lazily drop my bag to the floor.
“Millie!” a familiar voice shouts over the throng of students and all their chatter, making me instantly look up to find its owner.
Confused and dazed, I stare at Bowie, who is now walking towards me with determination, all the while the people around us spectate whatever this new little showdown is going to be between us. I brace myself for it, the intensity of his eyes tells me it’s going to be the subject of gossip for a while, whatever it is. The angel on my shoulder tells me it can’t be any worse than what my father delivered to me this morning, at the same time as the little devil is hauled over on the other shoulder, laughing at said angel for being ridiculously stupid for being so naive.
I stand rock solid still as a sweat-inducing heat climbs all the way up from my feet, just staring at this strange boy unwavering in his quest to reach me and deliver whatever blow he has today. Moments before he is within touching distance, I take in a large breath and close my eyes, which is when I feel his hand spread along my cheek, cupping it gently and pressing his lips onto mine. A few gasps mirror my shock as he deepens his kiss, but I can’t help but reciprocate, totally ignoring the fact that everyone is watching us make out in broad daylight.
“What are you doing?” I whisper-shout when we come up for air.
“Being brave and making you mine!” he smiles proudly over his answer, moving his hands around to the small of my back where he balls my shirt inside of his fist. My hands instinctively fly up to his neck and I weave my fingers through his velvety hair.
My heart pounds the whole time, savoring the moment and mentally fist-bumping the air, no doubt with a ridiculous grin all over my face. He chuckles over my excitement but it’s there in his face too, even when he leans down to sling my bag over his shoulder and grabs my hand to lead me, in public, to my first class.
Of course, with our newfound happiness comes the one casualty in all of this, and with him, the moment when our cheesy romcom scene comes crashing down around us. The whole corridor turns eerily silent when we come face to face with Matt, the boy who has claimed to have loved me for nearly two years now. His wide eyes and broken expression cut through my chest, and I have to look away. Bowie, however, stands defiantly staring back at his friend without emotion. I guess he knew this was coming as soon as he decided to kiss me in the middle of the school corridor. Unlike me, he’s already prepared for it.
“I fucking knew it!” Matt shouts out in a voice I’ve never heard from him before; one that wants blood; one that is a little bit on the edge of madness. “You motherfucker, Phillips! Outside NOW!”
His eruption makes me jump but Bowie simply kisses my temple before releasing my hand to follow Matt outside. The rest of the corridor follows suit, rushing out to see the impending fight which is about to take place between best friends, leaving behind the girl who unintentionally started it all.
The crowd of students all vying for the door to watch the showdown holds me back, stopping me from trying to break them apart, to try and stop the madness before it even begins. They yell and cheer, choosing their sides over the two heavyweight popular boys of the school. It’s all a farce though, no one really cares about the boys underneath all the reputation and social status. They just want a show and a good piece of gossip to whisper around the corridors, just like they did with me after Grant was arrested. It’s like feeding time at the zoo and I feel my blood boiling while I desperately try to get to the two men still left in my life. However, I just keep getting hauled back behind greedy spectators.
Matt lunges towards Bowie with bared teeth and raised fists, taking him down to the ground before punching him in his jaw and then to his right eye. I think I scream, though I can’t even hear myself over all the hollering from the crowd. Bowie grabs hold of Matt’s shirt and swings him over to the side where they wrestle for a bit before Bowie returns the punch to Matt’s face. He then raises Matt’s chest from the ground before slamming him downwards again, with blood pouring from his nose and lip. The crowd chants an ‘ooooh’ sound, wincing in sympathy for Matt’s obvious painful impact with the concrete beneath him.
When I finally get to the front, I scream at them, using every ounce of energy I have, to tell them to stop. But it’s not enough for them to hear me over the roar of bystanders, all wanting more blood to be spilled between the two alphas of the school.
“You knew, you son of a bitch, you knew how much she meant to me!” Matt shouts through clenched teeth, now laced in crimson. “I’m going to fucking kill you, you motherfucker!”
“And I told you to take the hint!” Bowie snarls as he continues to slam his body against the ground, the whole time Matt keeps punching Bowie’s sides with his fists.
“Move!” some pimply Sophomore yells. “Morris is coming!”
The crowd scramble in a bid to get away before Principal Morris arrives and whips them all into detention. I look up to see his furious face headed this way with a few other teachers coming over to help break up the fray in front of me. Bowie and Matt continue their brawling while I hover at the side, feeling both weak and pathetic.
Just as Mercy pulls up by my side, scooping me up in her arms as I tremble into a stupor, one of the male PE teachers hauls Bowie from Matt’s chest. Mr Morris pulls Matt back to his feet, who is still thrashing around like a wild cat, clearly not going to be satisfied until he’s successfully had his kill.
“You’re not going to get away with this, Phillips! I’ll finish you!” Matt spits at him.
Bowie, who is now physically and mentally coming down from the fight, doesn’t retaliate, just drops his head sadly. I never wanted Matt to find out like this, but I guess it was always going to come out badly for him. At this moment, seeing them beaten and bloody, I despise myself for being the one to come in between these two men and want to sacrifice my happiness so they can be friends again. Unfortunately, it’s too late for that. Instead, I fall against my friend, crying and watching as they are led away separately, with at least two teachers flanking their sides.
“I think we need to have a chat, don’t you, Miss Thomas?” our guidance counselor, Miss Perkins, says with a concerned smile on her pretty features.
She can’t be much older than we are, but I take what she’s offering because, right now, I’m lost and in desperate need of someone with a pair of ears and some much-needed advice.
Matt and Bowie aren’t seen for the rest of the day, and if the rumors are believed to be true, then they’ve both been suspended until tomorrow to cool off. So, now I can add paralyzing guilt to my clusterfuck of emotions.
Given the look on Miss Perkin’s face during the whole time I had spewed everything out, all in one, long, emotional diatribe, I’m fairly certain she’s put me on meltdown watch. After I finally finished, losing a good few pounds in tears and snot, plus using up a whole load of energy to rant and rave, she fumbled around her desk, trying to find as many relevant self-help leaflets as she could. She then insisted we meet up weekly, even if it’s just to check I haven’t stepped out in front of the nearest bus. Afterward, I stuffed the aforementioned leaflets straight into the black hole that is my locker before walking home with a raging headache.
Mercy texted me after school, trying to insist she should stay at mine, but in all honesty, I just wanted my own pity party, which would consist of me lying fetal on the sofa. I want to try and forget everything…apart from when Bowie kissed me in front of everyone. Call me selfish and callous, but that was the one amazing thing to happen to me today. After laying into his friend like a silverback gorilla, he may well feel like it was the worst decision of his life, however, for a few, brief moments, I was happy.
A bang on the window throws me back to reality with a stab of intense pain inside my eye sockets, warning me to take some painkillers before it gets to the migraine stage. First, I see Matt’s angry face staring through the glass of the bi-fold doors, then I look at the clock to see it’s already seven o’clock. It seems hours have passed by without me even realizing. I return to the raging beast at the window, brace myself, and go to let him in. I knew this was coming and he deserves to have it out with me, even if I am bricking it.
“Matt, I-”
“Shut up, Amelia!” he growls and aggressively pushes his way inside of my living room, my safe haven, even if it is a lonely one. “How could you?! How could you be with him?”
“I never planned it, Matt, it just sort of happened. Believe me, it shocked me as much as it’s shocked you.”
“I have worshipped you for the past three years, been your friend forever, yet you choose that piece of shit who has bullied you! Do you realize how stupid that makes you? Do you?!”
“Please, Matt…” I swallow hard as tears sit at the ready along my lower lashes, just waiting for the order to let go. “I tried not to. I desperately tried to develop my feelings for you, but I guess your friendship has been worth so much more to me!”
“Have you slept with him?” His tone scares me, but I can’t lie, because I think he already knows the answer.
“W-what?” I stutter when he moves to stand mere inches from me, towering way above my much shorter height.
“You heard,” he crosses his arms and leans in with his eyes narrowed to slits, “have you opened your legs and let him fuck you?”
I swallow back the bitter taste of his harsh words, trying my best not to throw up here and now on the living room floor. I feel frightened, guilty, and angry, all at the same time. His accusatory stance doesn’t falter, and I push myself to fight back, to stop having to explain myself to everyone, and to rely on my own courage to defend myself. Neither Grant nor Gabe is here now, it’s all on me. Taking in a silent breath of nerve, I cross my arms and defiantly jut out my chin.
“We’ve had sex, yes.”
“You fucking slut!” The sting registers before the sound of skin slapping against skin and it takes me a moment or two to respond to the burning sensation spreading with intensity across my cheek. When I finally comprehend what he’s just done, my hand instantly reaches up to cover the spot where his hand made contact. I look at him with both shock and horror.
“Millie, God, Mils, I’m so sorry, please, I didn’t...fuck!” His anger morphs into an alarming realization of what he’s just done, and his hands immediately slam over his mouth.
“Please leave, Matt,” I whisper before turning away from him, no longer able to keep my eyes on the boy who used to play childhood games with me. When my back is to him, I let the steady stream of tears leak down my face.
“Mills, I’m so sorry, please…” his hands are flapping around me, desperate to comfort me, but he’s too afraid to.
“Get out, Matt!” I yell, then march over to the kitchen to get a cold compress, anything to get away, to keep my mind focused on logic before I break down completely. My back remains facing him until, thankfully, I hear th
e quiet sound of the door clicking closed. Only then do I sink to the ground and let it all out with hard, ugly, painful crying.
Chapter 22
Amelia
After a few hours of lying fetal on the sofa, my new go-to position in the face of any kind of animosity, I eventually decided to get up and make some dinner. The thought of eating makes me want to hurl but seeing as my head and body are already on the verge of giving up altogether, I thought I better at least try to be sensible and take in some sustenance.
It’s slim pickings when I glance inside the fridge, but a potato and block of cheese make my choice all the easier. I shrug and grab them from the sad-looking shelves which offer little else. I place the potato inside the microwave and set it off, then take the cheese over to the breakfast bar to grate.
As I’m pushing the block down the grater without much effort behind it, I feel large hands sliding around my waist and a warm chest leaning against my back. I jump even though I already know who it is; I can smell his aftershave. It’s intoxicating and sets my butterflies off to a rave inside of my chest.
The Darkness Within Page 23