The day after Christmas, a day when everyone feels a little deflated after eating and drinking too much, my bag is packed and ready, along with a whole load of excitement over going to see Sam. I haven’t seen her in nearly two years and there was a time when I would have seen her every day.
My breath is visible in the cold night air, as I stand waiting for Bowie to bring the car around to pick me up. I begin jumping up and down on the spot, rubbing my hands together, when I suddenly see Russ exiting Matt’s house, laughing and joking and stuffing something suspicious into his back pocket. Matt soon follows, waving him off before turning to look at me waiting on the sidewalk.
For a moment or two, he can’t hide the guilty look that has washed over his features. Features that are usually so wholesome you could picture him as a model pin-up for a chastity group. I frown but force myself to wave over at him, covering my suspicious gaze with a fake smile. He looks to the floor, then eventually waves back at me, just as Bowie pulls up, unwittingly breaking the uncomfortable moment between us. We both look over to the approaching car but when I return my gaze to him, he’s already retreated inside and is closing the door firmly behind him.
The whole exchange made me feel deeply unsettled, but I’m soon snapped out of my confused thoughts when Bowie rounds the front of the car and gives me his best wolfish grin to date. It’s so intoxicating, I have to take an extra breath just to stop myself from melting onto the floor, and the smug bastard knows it too. He grabs my bag and quickly shoves it into the trunk before returning to give me a scorching hot kiss, the sort that often has us hurrying up to my bedroom. I giggle over his eagerness, which only encourages him to lift me onto the car hood and none to subtly thrust his groin into me.
“Jesus Christ, Bowie, what’s gotten into you?” I push at him but giggle nervously the entire time.
“I don’t know,” he kisses me, “maybe it’s because it’s our first trip away with each other or the fact it’s been at least twenty-four hours since I’ve been inside of you, Baby. But I do know if it wasn’t for the schedule we need to stick to, I’d march you right inside and fuck you over that breakfast bar!”
“That’s awfully tempting,” I whisper and bite my lip, suddenly feeling all kinds of lusty by his rather blunt declaration. “How quick can we be?”
“Shit, Mils,” he laughs while shaking his head, “I knew there was a reason I loved you.”
Those three little words immediately silence all laughter and both our eyes practically double in size. If it wasn’t for the fact the atmosphere has just turned painfully awkward, I’d be laughing over how comical we must both be looking. As it is, I look away bashfully at the same time as Bowie jumps away and starts rubbing nervously at the back of his neck.
“I mean…we…er…let’s get going,” he points to the driver’s seat and gets in so fast he almost looks like a blur. I slide into the car slowly and try to make myself look as small as possible. If invisibility were an option; I’d be going for that too.
As soon as we pull away, Bowie puts on old nineties hits and turns it up to full volume, most likely to avoid any more uncomfortable conversations. We smile tightly at one another and spend the next hour or so trying to look anywhere but at each other. I can’t help feeling disappointed after having looked forward to this trip all week.
Those three words, perhaps three of the most powerful words in the English dictionary when used together, keep swirling around in my head like unwanted visitors. They do nothing but generate a whole load of questions I can’t ask because it would likely end in us colliding into the nearest hazard.
Did he mean to say them? Was it said in that way or was it just a flippant remark? Jeez, was I meant to say something back? Do I feel that way? I have to admit I hadn’t really thought about it. I love Grant, Sam, Mercy, and Matt, but in a whole other way. How am I supposed to know how being in love feels like? Should I say something? Or will it make the whole atmosphere a hundred times worse?
“Listen, Millie,” Bowie says light-heartedly, breaking the string of never-ending worrying questions inside of my head as well as silencing some old dance track that I swear is more noise than music. “What I said back there, I didn’t…I mean, it wasn’t…”
“It’s ok,” I break him off just as his speech becomes indecipherable, and I just want to hand him a shovel to get himself back out of the hole he’s currently digging himself into. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I kind of guessed you were just saying it as a throw-away comment. Don’t worry!”
I smile and pat his leg like a dog, which seems to have the desired effect of calming him down, seeing as his large body physically slumps in relief. Truth be told, I can’t decide if his ramble of words, or the fact that me telling him not to worry made him released a whole lot of tension, makes me feel better or worse. I try and forget about it, but that, of course, is about as easy as trying to decipher what the mystery of the ‘Cloud’ is.
We fall back into more uncomfortable silence again. The flirtatious greeting we shared seems to melt away into history. He turns the music up and I stare out of the window to avoid watching him concentrating on the road just that little bit too intensely.
So far, the weekend is off to a great start!
I guess I must have drifted off to sleep because when we arrive at Sam’s place, I can’t actually remember getting here. Bowie parks up then reaches for his phone while I stretch and yawn, trying to shake the sleep away.
“Yeah, hi, it’s me,” he says to someone familiar and I stare greedily, being more than a little envious of how happy he is when he talks to his sister. It feels like a million miles away from the bittersweet meetings Grant and I share at the prison. “We’ll be up in about five minutes.”
Quick and to the point, he hangs up but then surprises me by grabbing my hand and turning his whole body towards mine with his intense green eyes instantly holding my blue ones.
“Millie, can we start this again? I’ve been waiting all week to bring you here and I feel like it’s gone sour because I said something stupid.”
“It wasn’t stupid,” I kiss his lips and smile reassuringly. “But if it makes you feel better, I can wipe it from memory.”
I fly my hand over my head as if magically removing those words, something I half wish I could do for real. He smiles warmly before leaning down to kiss me, one that is both hot and affectionate at the same time. One that says I’m not ready to say those words yet, but I still want to fuck you in my sister’s apartment later on.
Bowie
I think my heart stops beating when the two most important girls in my life first lay eyes on each other. It feels more uncomfortable than when I blurted out the l-word earlier and believe me when I tell you, my ass felt like it was on fire after that little slip-up. Sam looks like she’s about to break into a million pieces, while Millie looks like she wants to crawl back into the safety of the car where she can take her chances with my big mouth again. Lord knows why they look terrified of one another; Sam loves her like a real sister and doesn’t hold a single thing against her. Which is a lot more than could have been said for me when it all first kicked off.
Eventually, it’s Sam who makes the first move by practically lunging towards Millie and pulling her into an all-consuming mother bear hug. Her eyes close so tightly it almost looks painful. In fact, it’s just enough to force streams of tears to fall over her blushing red cheeks. When she opens them again, they look sore and puffy, just like they did when I found her balled up inside of her room after that God-forsaken party. Millie clings back just as tightly, holding on for dear life. All I can do is watch them both with a weird sense of pride. My two favorite people re-acquainting themselves after something awful happened.
“Alright, alright!” I let out a sigh, not wanting to risk getting all blurry-eyed myself. I can’t take the sentimental show of emotion anymore. Besides, they know how I feel about them…well, Sam does, anyway. “I’m starving sis, any chance of moving this inside
where I can at least eat at the same time as watching all of this sappy shit?”
“You’re a turd, Bowie, you know that?!” Sam wipes her eyes with a grin. “Come in, Millie, make yourself at home. Still a tea drinker?”
“Of course,” Millie smiles warmly as I pull her into the living area where the sofas are more cushion than seats. “Thank you, Sam.”
Years of being out of each other’s company has made them painfully formal and polite, which is laughable when you consider my sister used to be around her house every day.
Once we’re all sat down, trying to adjust to the weird atmosphere in the room, I notice the two girls looking over at one another, silently assessing how the other has changed and whether or not they’re the same two people. My idle chit-chat does little to lighten the mood, mainly because I can see Sam looking at Millie like she’s desperate to ask about the scum who raped her. Millie looks uncomfortably between the two of us, not really knowing how or what to add to the conversation without breaking a few eggshells along the way.
“So, what’s going on between the two of you?” Sam eventually breaks the ice, and I’m glad it’s with something that has nothing to do with Grant. “I always thought you hated each other.”
“Sometimes we still do,” Millie says matter of factly, making Sam laugh while I feign shock.
“She fell for all my charm,” I tease with an arrogant shoulder shrug, “that and my dick.”
“Bowie!” Sam scolds and throws a scarf which I watch sail to the floor before it gets anywhere near me. Thankfully, Millie is used to my potty mouth and falls into laughter alongside me.
“She’s my girlfriend,” I reply without my usual sarcasm, then smile affectionately at Millie. She blushes with a matching goofy, happy face. “And I’m her boyfriend.”
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day when Bowie Phillips would give his heart to a girl,” Sam sighs as she sips from her mug, “to Amelia Thomas no less!”
“Well, I have, big sister,” I then turn to Millie who is now staring at me in shock. “She has my heart… if she wants it.”
My poor heart, which I’ve just gift wrapped to her, twists painfully inside of my chest, holding its beat as she stares back at me with uncertainty. Sam remains rigid, silently watching, even when Millie stands up and walks towards me. She confidently closes the distance between us and reaches down to kiss me, cupping my face in her dainty hands as she does so.
“And mine is yours!” she replies, finally permitting me to breathe again.
Amelia
As it turns out, when Bowie gave me his words and his heart, I didn’t need to think about my answer, it was there before me. Love seems to have crept up on me with Bowie Phillips and it feels like everything I’ve been missing. Like I finally belong to someone.
Our eyes match one another, telling each other I want you; I need you; I love you. It’s only when Sam claps her hands with a very audible sniff that we finally break apart. We quickly realize that not only do we have company, but that said company might well find this little rom-com moment horribly insensitive, given what happened.
“Oh my God!” she cries and we both look awkwardly at her, easily noticing the heavy tears pooling in her wide eyes. “I’m so happy for you both. You’re my favorite people, you know that?”
She gets up and makes us have a group hug, which is not such an easy feat given the fact Bowie is over six foot and we’re very much not. I let out a breath of relief and a giggle because at last, I’m now seeing the Sam I remember, the girl who I loved like she was my very own sister.
“Let me go and get some proper drinks…and I’ll get dinner too. Wait there and try not to hump each other on my sofa!”
As soon as she’s out of earshot, Bowie is kissing me like he’s never going to see me again. His tongue is deep inside my mouth and his hands are gripping tightly at my waist, threatening to travel south if I don’t stop him. It’s not something I want to do, and it takes a great deal of willpower to put the breaks on our sexual urges, but I feel guilty enough as it is with Sam in the same vicinity as us.
Reluctantly, Bowie gets the message and pulls away from me, but not before he whispers, “I’m fucking you so hard tonight you’ll have to bite the pillow to stop yourself from screaming out my name!” Always the one to have the last word, I whisper back, “I look forward to it.” I stifle my laugh when he shoves his fist inside his mouth and bites down hard, just as Sam re-enters the room with a bottle of Malbec and three wine glasses.
I make a quick, strategic move, to stand in front of Bowie and his obvious hard-on, just as Sam, who thankfully remains oblivious to it, raises her full glass of wine in an attempt to make a toast. However, the sound of the door unlocking grabs her attention and causes all of us to watch for who is about to come in.
“Hey, hey! Is my favorite, sexy, younger brother here?” a cheerful, female voice calls over from the front door.
A tall, willowy girl with shocking, bright, purple hair and a number of piercings comes inside with a whole load of bags from the grocery store. She grins at Bowie and Sam before setting her piercing blue eyes on me. The sight of me instantly causes her to morph her jovial expression into a confused one.
“He’s here, but he’s got a girlfriend!” Sam sing-songs towards the brightly dressed girl, still looking at me like I’m an alien species which she is trying to decide whether is friendly or not. “There’s something I never thought I’d hear myself saying!” Sam mutters to herself. “Millie, this is Trixie, my roommate, and a horrendous flirt, so don’t pay any attention to her.”
I stand up to shake her hand but she doesn’t take it. Instead, she keeps looking at me like I’m the most confusing thing in the world. My automatic reaction is to check my mouth for crumbs or dribble, or maybe look down at my top for a wine spillage I didn’t realize I had made, but then she shakes her head as if in disbelief.
“I’m sorry, but I feel like I know you,” she points and looks me over, making me feel very exposed and extremely uneasy. She then looks at Sam before suddenly gasping with wide, horrified eyes. “You’re his sister, Amelia Thomas, aren’t you?” A nauseous feeling flows through me at a rapid pace, causing my head to lose feeling because I instinctively know this isn’t going to go well at all. “And you’re dating her brother?!” She screws up her face as though the very idea is enough to cause projectile vomiting. “Bowie, that’s fucked up, dude!”
“Hey!” Bowie stands defensively and edges himself in between my accuser and me. “Don’t talk to her like that, Trixie!”
“Trixie, none of that was Millie’s fault…” Sam tries to argue but I still want to get the hell out of this stifling atmosphere and away from this girl who obviously hates me without even knowing a thing about me.
“Does your piece of shit brother know how much damage he’s done?!” Trixie shouts around Bowie’s towering body and throws her finger out at me. “I hope he rots in jail, the bastard pervert! And you? Dating her brother? Don’t you think that’s a bit fucking weird?!”
“Stop it!” someone yells, and everyone turns to look at me because apparently, I’m the one who shouted it. “You don’t know me; you don’t know anything about me!”
“I know you come from a family with a rapist in it!” she shouts back.
“Trixie, I swear to God…” Bowie grits out through clenched teeth, now pointing threateningly towards her, but I don’t hang around to hear anymore. Instead, I swerve around him and head straight for the front door, leaving everything, including my dignity, behind. It’s freezing outside but right now I’d rather take my chances in the blistering cold than stay in that room where I’m being publicly judged by a complete stranger with bright purple hair and not an ounce of restraint on her one-woman attack.
I bolt for the nearest exit, jumping down two steps at a time and all the while, feeling a cacophony of emotions: hurt, anger, shame. You name all the bad ones and I’m feeling them. The cool night air hits me like someone is finally
giving me an oxygen mask after starving without it. I greedily gulp it in and let my hands fall to my knees, trying hard not to throw up in the car park. When I finally stand tall again, it’s only to shove the palms of my hands into my eyes to try and stop them from leaking. A pretty pointless exercise but I’m not really thinking logically.
“Millie!” Bowie shouts out as he reaches for my shoulders and pulls me back into his warm and protective chest.
He soon spins me around before throwing my coat over my shoulders and holding onto me tightly, rubbing his hands up and down my arms to try and retrieve some of the heat I’ve lost in the freezing temperatures. In his arms, I relinquish my hold over my tears and let them fall without shame.
“I’m sorry, Babe, don’t listen to her. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about!”
“Doesn’t she?” I mutter bitterly. “You don’t think that’s what everyone else is thinking when they see us together?”
The Darkness Within Page 28